Homesick - aphelionaphelia - League of Legends [Archive of Our Own] (2024)

Chapter 1: "Something About Him" Brockhampton

Chapter Text

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Here's the Homesick Soundtrack that will build as the story progresses: spotify

Chapter One (Aphelios)

Something About Him - Brockhampton

“Well, I guess that means it’s just us.” Sett frowned, looking at the message from Ezreal explaining that he had gotten a call from his old label, meaning that he, too, would be unable to make it. “Still wanna watch the movie? I don’t mind if you just wanna head back… I’m gonna chew those guys out though, flakin’ last minute. This is supposed to be band bondin’ time…”

They’d known Yone had an appointment out of town, and K’Sante had managed to catch a cold for the first time in years. Why Kayn couldn’t make it was less clear, but it was likely intended as a statement on his feelings about the current state of Heartsteel. Aphelios could feel the awkwardness coming off Sett in waves, fretting and making a show of being too-focused on his phone, his long bushy tail swishing with agitation. The discomfort was mutual. Especially when Aphelios realized this would be the first time he and the band co-leader had spent a significant length of time alone together.

And that wasn’t something Aphelios had especially hoped to remedy any time soon. He hadn’t forgotten what he’d overheard Sett saying about him the week before, and it appeared like Sett remembered perfectly fine, too. But perhaps that was precisely why Aphelios felt compelled to prove him wrong now.

He beckoned the beast-man to lean down, pulling his mask away from his face so his quiet voice could be heard above the din of the movie theatre lobby.

“Let’s stay and watch,” he said, inadvertently watching the way Sett’s fluffy red ear swivelled to better pick up his soft, accented voice.

If anything, at least he could no longer be accused of not making an effort. Of ‘acting like he was better than the rest of them.’ And, he’d be able to tell his sister there was incontrovertible proof he had left his room. There were witnesses.

“Alright then,” Sett gave a toothy grin, looking genuinely pleased, which was… surprising. He seemed relieved, and the friendliness was not an act as far as Aphelios could discern. “I got a confession to make, though. I’m kinda chickensh*t when it comes to creepy movies.”

Aphelios waited for Sett to lean in again, raising on his own toes, catching a whiff of Sett’s potent cologne. It smelled like musk, spice, leather; expensive. “Aren’t you the one who suggested ‘The Haunting of the Du Couteau Family’?”

Another grin, a little bashful. “I didn’t say I don’t like scary movies, I just can’t handle ‘em. You gotta promise me that if I do anything embarrassin’, you ain’t gonna breathe a word of it to the others, ‘kay? I’ll know it was you.”

Sett was teasing him. Interesting, and… a little endearing. It reminded Aphelios a lot of the man who had DM’d him a few months ago; bright, confident, open, inspiring. Aphelios pushed his voice to be heard one last time, teasing Sett back with ample, cheeky sarcasm heard even in his rasp. “I won’t tell. You can even hold my hand if you get scared.”

🎶

Aphelios had been joking, but more than once Sett had clutched his arm suddenly, and when he’d grabbed his thigh right as the main character was being stabbed, it had startled Aphelios into nervous giggles. He’d looked over, thinking Sett would be miffed to be laughed at, but the huge man had started laughing at himself, apologizing under his breath for nearly clawing Aphelios’ leg off.

“Almost pissed myself when that stupid f*ckin’ haunted cabinet slammed open,” Sett was saying as they left the theatre, uncaring about putting up any front of macho bravery, and any whiff of awkwardness long discarded. “And when that guy got possessed and started barfin’ his guts out, I think I’ll have nightmares ‘bout that for weeks. You didn’t seem scared at all though, you’re a total pro at this!”

Considering whether to be honest with the Vastayan, who was enjoying himself and being thoroughly scared, and factoring in that they finally seemed to be relaxing around each other, Aphelios decided against being candid about how he had thought the movie had been stupid and corny.

i dont scare easily, he offered via text, each member of Heartsteel was used to that quirk at least, no one having learned sign language yet. but it was pretty entertaining. That much at least, especially with Sett’s reactions, was true.

He listened as Sett recapped his favourite parts of the movie, sometimes animatedly re-enacting moments as they walked down the sidewalk, headed to the subway as a matter of course, on their way to return to the shared Heartsteel house.

Aphelios wouldn’t say he knew Sett any better now, but he certainly felt a little more comfortable with him. It hadn’t been a bad night, not at all, and Aphelios wasn’t especially upset that the others couldn’t make it. It had given the two of them a chance to smooth some of the tension brewing between them, which had been so unexpected given how things had initially started with so much promise.

“Actually,” Sett paused at the subway stairs, looking like he was working up some courage. “I’m kinda hungry. You wanna get somethin’ to eat? There’s a nice dessert place a couple blocks this way, they got great parfaits. Pretty quiet too, so you won’t have to strain your voice.”

Aphelios was about to answer when Sett cut him off to hastily add, “I don’t mind it though, when you gotta use your phone. That ain’t what I meant.”

While all of the new members of Heartsteel had been fairly accommodating of Aphelios’ disability, though more often than not he just said nothing. Sometimes Yone tried to prompt him to provide his thoughts, but Aphelios felt scant desire to contribute. And that was if he wanted to leave his room to be around the others at all.

It wasn’t that he had no opinions, it was just that by the time it took him to type out something or how often his quiet, strained voice was spoken over, whatever he had to say hardly felt worth it.

So it was nice, that Sett was clearly sensitive to his limitations, and was going out of his way to try and make Aphelios comfortable. He appreciated that much, even as he wondered if it was just Sett still felt bad over what had happened. Maybe, as co-leader, the Vastayan felt extra pressure to make things right, but that wasn’t necessarily Aphelios’ problem, either. Even so, Heartsteel wasn’t something Aphelios had joined on a whim, and, seeing the proffered opportunity to work things out, he accepted with a nod.

The cafe was, as promised, a nice little venue with soft music and close seating, and most importantly, the menu boasted two entire pages of different types of parfaits. In all honesty, it didn’t seem like a place that a health nut like Sett would even know about.

do u know all the macros for each parfait? Aphelios messaged Sett, watching as he read and smiled.

“I just get this one, here,” he pointed to one of the last options on Aphelios’ menu. From the description it seemed to be a low-calorie, glorified fruit cup. “Came here with Ez and Yone once though, Ez said the strawberry shortcake one was awesome, packed away the whole thing and nearly ordered a second.”

Scanning the menu again, Aphelios read the strawberry shortcake description, deciding it sounded exactly like something Ezreal would love, but a little too rich especially after movie theatre popcorn.

can u pls order me the earl grey and biscuit one, Aphelios messaged again, having decided.

“Sure thing.” Looking pleased with his task, Sett scanned the cafe, trying to catch a server’s attention, but cringing violently when a waitress noticed.

“Ah f*ck, this is f*ckin’ awkward,” Sett muttered under his breath, barely caught by Aphelios’ hearing. The young man studied the waitress as she came over, bewildered by Sett’s bizarre reaction to someone who seemed to be perfectly normal, if awfully sexy to be working in a parfait shop. He observed Sett’s reactions intently, puzzling him out, making judgements.

“Haha, heyyy Sarah… just my luck. Or should I say, just my fortune?” Sett’s attempt at breezy casualness was about as buoyant as a lead balloon. The use of her name in the absence of a nametag clarified a lot instantly, this had to be someone from Sett’s past that he hadn’t necessarily wanted to ever see again. Aphelios’ morbid curiosity was definitely piqued, even though he’d already come to several likely conclusions.

“Very funny. Still waiting on that call back, Settrigh,” she smiled down at him, her expression bearing no warmth. “It’s been, what… ten months now? A year? You sure take your time returning a girl’s phone calls.”

Chagrined and clearly ashamed, Sett looked like he was actively trying not to cower in embarrassment. With her red hair, blue eyes, and ample bosom, Sarah looked very much like a female Sett, and Aphelios felt some of his respect for the Vastayan dim. He didn’t care if two adults fooled around, but it seemed pretty pathetically narcissistic to be your own taste in women. Aphelios rolled his eyes, and tried to tune out the rest of the conversation, to little avail.

“Hey listen, I’m sorry,” the beast-man apologized. “You know sh*t hit the fan last year, I didn’t mean to leave ya hangin’...”

“Yeah, I heard you punched someone and got kicked off your old label.”

Sett made a face and looked very much like he was considering just getting up and leaving, but admirably he controlled himself and answered Sarah in an even, calm voice.

“I really am sorry. If ya want me to leave, I will. I’m sorry I ghosted ya, that was a dick move. But I’d really appreciate it if we just leave it be, sounds like you know the details already, and I own it that I don’t got any better of a reason. But I ain’t gonna get into it more than that.”

Sarah chewed on the proposition, staring down at her unwelcome customer, before looking like she was noticing Aphelios for the first time, softening a little when she saw him.

“It’s whatever. Bygones and all. You don’t have to leave, just make sure you leave a really good tip, alright?”

Sett chuckled, genuinely. “That’s a fair deal, I can live with that.”

Aphelios waited as Sett placed their orders, Sarah evidently content to actually leave whatever had happened in the past. Before she sashayed off to the kitchen, she turned to Aphelios, teasing him.

“Make sure you watch this one,” she advised him with a wink. “He’s a lot more charming than you think he’ll be.”

Aphelios gave her the barest flick of his eyebrows by way of response, saying nothing. Whoever she was, she didn’t know the half of it. Maybe extending their evening had been a mistake after all, but they couldn’t reasonably leave now, with their orders already placed.

Oblivious, Sett let out a massive sigh, combing his thick fingers through his wavy crimson hair.

“That’s f*ckin’ brutal luck, ugh…” then, realizing that he should probably enlighten his companion, elaborated with no small amount of sheepishness. “Here we are tryin’ to get to know each other a little better ‘n I gotta run into some ol’ hook up who hates me… can’t really blame her though.”

The beast-man looked to Aphelios for a reaction, but received an inscrutable, blank expression as a response. Aphelios could neither relate, nor did he especially want to get into the gory details. What did he care if they ran into some ex-flame from Sett’s past? Sett squirmed under Aphelios’ impassive red gaze, seeming to read judgement there. That, or he just really needed to unburden his guilty conscience, because he confessed his purported sins with surprising candour, misreading Aphelios’ silence completely.

“I used to lean into the rockstar thing a little hard, if ya catch my drift,” and receiving no reaction, continued, “I ain’t sayin’ I’m proud of myself or anythin’. I ain’t, actually. But it was hard to say no when you got a lotta fans who are awfully friendly, not just with that but with free booze, party invites, ya know. Only thing I really took seriously back then was makin’ sure my mom was taken care of, but I had to go ‘n blow it…

“Say,” Sett said, looking Aphelios square in the face. “You ain’t ever really asked me ‘bout that stuff, but ya can. I mean I know you know about the restraining order that paparazzo took out, but if you ever wondered about anything else... I guess I feel like I don’t know a whole lot about ya, ‘n I ain’t proud of that either. So the offer is on the table that if you ever wanna know somethin’ about me, all ya gotta do is ask.”

It didn’t feel like a great response, but Aphelios nodded, unsure of what else Sett wanted him to say. He turned his attention to picking at a chip in the formica table with a painted black nail, he’d never been one who felt the need to unnecessarily fill a silence.

“I mean, you probably know what it’s like, right?” Sett obviously was. “We all got skeletons in our closet, ‘n your music videos went viral, your DM's musta been bonkers. You ever hook up with a fan?”

Was this Sett’s attempt to get to know him better? Was this what men talked about when hanging out alone? It was almost laughable, how eloquently Sett’s question, so innocently asked, spoke volumes about how little he truly knew about his new bandmate. But for all the difficulties they’d been having, Aphelios was still fairly confident Sett was not a complete sh*thead, and so he didn’t bother getting offended or exasperated.

Aphelios shook his head.

“Never? Not even once? That’s hard to believe.”

The statement carried no accusation, if anything, Sett sounded genuinely confused. Aphelios signed the gesture for why? , one of the few words that the whole household knew in the sign language Alune was teaching them in a futile effort to help them connect with her brother.

“Well, ‘cause you’re beautiful,” was all Sett said, as if it was the most natural declaration to make, a self-evident fact obvious to everyone. “That good lookin’ ‘n that talented, people are naturally gonna flock.”

Sarah’s return was mercifully timed, distracting Sett from what Aphelios was sure was beet red blush. He could feel it burning his face, the tips of his ears. Maybe what she’d said earlier, about Sett being more charming than you gave him credit for, had been a lot wiser than Aphelios had thought.

“I didn’t spit in it,” she said with a grin, somehow successfully coming across as alluring as she said it. A pretty girl who had a sense of humour; the appeal was evident. She and Sett shared a laugh; it was almost impressive how quickly things had been smoothed over.

Aphelios fixated on his parfait, avoiding eye contact, still boiling hot. He didn’t know why it was so flustering to hear that, especially so bluntly. He cared a great deal about his appearance but it wasn’t due to any abundance of vanity. The makeup he wore and the clothes he chose were purely for himself, steps in a journey he’d been struggling with since childhood. A purely internal, personal control thing.

But, he had to admit… he was surprised how nice it felt to be complimented so genuinely. Even more so by Sett, a known heartthrob himself… not even Aphelios was blind to that fact.

“You don’t have to answer if it puts you on the spot,” Sett had dropped his voice discreetly, so as not to be overheard by the other patrons. A little mouthful of sliced parfait fruit was tucked in his cheek as he spoke, giving him a rather cute look. “I don’t wanna assume anything either but, you’re, you know. Into men, right?”

This was nearly a bridge too far. Aphelios would never have agreed to dessert had he known his love life was going to be the choice topic of discussion. sh*t like this was why he’d stayed in his room for weeks. But… he reminded himself that it was pretty unsurprising for people to ask about stuff like that when they lived together. Kayn and Ezreal certainly talked about their various conquests often enough. It was probably natural for Sett to be curious, even if it was crude.

After a moment’s deliberation, he intentionally softened the unimpressed flatness in his gaze and gave a singular nod. It wasn’t like he had anything to hide.

“I mean, me too,” Sett blabbered on, grinning that Aphelios seemed willing to open up at least this much. Was he really that oblivious, or just nervous? “Used to think I was just into ladies ‘cause like, that’s all you could be into where I grew up, with the crowd I ran with. Not a whole lotta… diversity when you grow up in a small town, ‘n the way a lotta people talk about it, you just kinda assume you’re the same. I did, at least. Never had a serious boyfriend, but I had a girlfriend in college who was bi. Samira ‘n I were better off as friends, but she’s the one who helped me realize that was the name for what I was feelin’ too, that it didn’t matter whether someone was–”

Abruptly, Sett cut himself off, apologizing profusely. “Goddamn, I’m talkin’ your ear off about bullsh*t, sorry about that, Phel. Total TMI. I warned ya I was an open book, but I should at least give you a chance to decide which pages ya wanna read, right?”

A good natured chuckle, Sett polishing off the last few bites of fruit. “I’ve taken over the conversation, ‘n maybe I shouldn’t be startin’ off with stuff like this. Sorry. Truth be told, I feel a little nervous around ya, but I’m glad those neanderthals cancelled on band night cause I’ve been havin’ a good time hangin’ out with you, just like this. I just hope you ain’t thinkin’ about quittin’ Heartsteel after hearin’ me yap non-stop for a whole night.”

What was a good reply to that? Aphelios wondered. Of course he wasn’t going to leave Heartsteel over Sett talking too much… but he’d just been crying with Alune the last weekend about how this all felt like a mistake. Should he be honest about that?

He lifted his eyes to Sett’s, and watched as the other became serious, though there was no less kindness in his face.

“Listen, Aphelios.” There was no fooling around, the boisterous nervous energy was abruptly gone. “I owe you an apology ‘n it’s been sittin’ wrong with me since I said that sh*t last week.”

This was not something Aphelios had expected, he’d assumed Sett was like most people, and would happily sweep things like what had happened under the rug, instead of addressing it head on like that. That took courage.

“Obviously I was heated ‘n I never meant for you to hear it, but that doesn’t make it right that I said it at all. I don’t think you think you’re better than us. If anything, the one I should be pissed at is myself. ‘Cause this is real hard for you, right? You’re the only one who hasn’t done this before. I’m sorry I didn’t realize until Yone pointed it out, but this has all gotta be new for ya.”

Unable to keep the eye contact, Aphelios flushed again and looked at the tabletop. He knew Sett hadn’t been intentionally cruel, but maybe that made it worse. He’d finally gotten up the nerve to socialize only to make it as far as the top of the stairs before Aphelios had overheard himself being dragged… for being ‘antisocial,’ ‘unreadable,’ ‘rude,’ and ‘acting like he had a superiority complex.’ Kayn and Ezreal had even chimed in about how he was too quiet, that they found it ‘off-putting.’ It had only stopped when Yone had noticed Aphelios standing there. And no one, except for Sett now, had apologized.

It was only through Alune’s intervention that Aphelios hadn't packed his bags and left that night. His aunt Diana’s basem*nt hadn’t been amazing, but it was better than feeling so heavily judged on a project he was already struggling with, not having the use of his voice.

“I’m real sorry,” Sett pressed. He was sincere, even sounding as emotional as Aphelios felt. “Only a f*ckin’ asshole invites someone to work on somethin’ ‘n then doesn’t check in on what they need, if they’re adjustin’ well, what they’re worried about. And you’re a quiet guy, obviously. Don’t worry, I ain’t readin’ ya, I just mean, the rest of us don’t really shut the f*ck up. We’re all used to bein’ the main characters in a band or as soloists, ‘n it’s only been like a month ‘n a bit or somethin’? I think we’re all still in that ego mode, swingin’ our dicks around makin’ sure we’re carvin’ out our own space.

“I don’t think it’s anything with bad intentions, ‘n I fully include myself in that dick swingin’ remark. But I got the vibe that it’s hard for you when it’s real noisy, or when the guys are goin’ a mile a minute, that you ain’t the type to wanna compete for attention. I think we could all learn a little from you, ‘n I’m sorry we haven’t done great at makin’ room for ya.”

As embarrassing as it was to be talked about like this, Aphelios realized that not only was everything Sett was saying ringing true, it also meant the other man had put significant thought and effort into trying to be better, to notice what made Aphelios so uncomfortable. To his incredible surprise, Aphelios felt seen, and understood.

“Thank you,” he said finally, Sett sagging with relief after talking so much with no answer. “That means a lot. And, I’m sorry too. I know I’m not an easy person to get along with, and I don’t make it any easier by staying in my room all the time. It’s just been… hard.”

“Can I ask why?” Sett was gentle, caring. “I don’t wanna push. But I do wanna do better, ‘n I may need your help to know how.”

Reflexively, Aphelios placed his hand lightly on his throat, the gesture making him realize his vocal cords were already bothering him. He’d been too focused on the conversation to register the feeling. With resignation, he picked up his phone, messaging instead. The small blessing was that he found it much easier to express himself when he could write it out.

sorry my throat is hurting
its not like u guys are awful. its just when its really loud and chaotic
and trying to get to know everyone at the same time is overwhelming
u guys seem to have inside jokes already or know stuff i just dont get

Sett saw Aphelios was still typing, and waited patiently for him to finish his thought.

part of why im in my room is ive been trying to write music
i want to have something awesome for us to work on but theres something missing in all of it
i dont know if i know everyone well enough to make a good song that fits all of us?
i did think it was a good idea when ksante suggested band hangouts, i want to make this work and i want to do a good job
its just slow going for me

Aphelios set down his phone, feeling a little shy and using the pretext of finishing his parfait to disperse some of the intensity. One disadvantage of texting someone in real time was that they saw everything as it happened, there was no deleting messages when he felt like he’d overshared.

“f*ck, I’m sorry,” Sett apologized. “I had no idea. Honestly, I wanted you to like us real bad, I wanted you to really like me ‘n not regret that you listened to some guy telling you to join his band. I think I just got in my own way. I took it personally when you seemed like you were avoidin’ us, but I’m an ass… not everything’s gotta be all about me. Sorry again. And thanks for even givin’ me another chance.”

Aphelios’ impression that Sett was a ultimately decent person solidified as he listened. And, it was a promising indication on its own that this was probably the most he’d talked about himself with someone other than family. He knew he acted like an outsider, and Aphelios wished he could provide even more context…

He wished he could explain that this was probably the first time he’d ever had people who could come close to being called his ‘friends’, that he hadn’t lived with anyone other than his parents or his aunt and his sister, and that in itself made it hard to know how to behave. But he wasn’t ready to share that much about himself yet, and he could only hope Sett would be patient.

But, it was nice.

It was nice that he felt this comfortable talking with the Vastayan, that he could reveal even this much.

i do like u , he typed before overthinking it. It was the truth, and he felt bad that his shyness and hesitancy had been read as disdain. He was in the middle of typing more when he was interrupted by a notification in the chat.

hey dont pin that!! Aphelios typed, unable to keep the smile off his own face as he did, looking up at Sett who was beaming at him widely. He unpinned the message, only for it to be pinned again instantly after.

pin it again and ill delete it he grinned, satisfied when the message remained unpinned and Sett put down his phone, raising his hands in surrender.

“You’re somethin’ else, Aphelios.” There was warm appreciation in Sett’s rumbly voice, even affection. “You’re really somethin’ else. I’m glad tonight happened the way it did.”

He didn’t know what that meant exactly, other than it was positive, but the use of his full name gave Aphelios an idea for a further peace offering.

“I don’t mind if you call me Phel,” he offered, pushing himself so he could say it aloud.

“Really?” Sett lit up, his ears perked. “I’d love that.” And, seeing Aphelios’ friendly nod, continued, “Y’know, maybe tonight was meant to work out this way, ‘n I’m glad it did. I had a great time at the movie with ya… would you wanna do this again, Phel?”

Aphelios hadn’t expected that. Evidently Sett liked to move fast. u mean like a hang out? he texted back.

Sett nodded eagerly. “Just you ‘n me, so I can make sure I’m keepin’ my word ‘n doin’ a better job of makin’ you feel welcome. I mean, it doesn't have to be me you talk to, if you feel better talkin’ to Yone that’s fine too, but I just mean… I wanna make sure you have an outlet, to talk about how you’re feelin’, or anything that’s stressin’ you out. But I don’t want it to be just business either. Tonight was a lotta fun. I really enjoyed it.”

This was another thing Aphelios liked and even admired about Sett, that he was so confident with things like this, inviting him out so casually and with such friendliness; unselfconscious about paying him compliments. He had to give him credit, Sett was making it pretty easy to want to get closer… already Aphelios felt a little less isolated in the Heartsteel house.

i had fun too
and i feel a lot better
thank u

“Real glad to hear that, Phel.” Sett kept using that nickname like it was his new favourite word. “How ‘bout somethin’ the same time next week? We could watch another movie if ya want, or somethin’ else if ya feel like it.”

As they got up to leave, Aphelios couldn’t help but notice that Sett was true to his word, leaving an extremely generous tip. No doubt Sarah’s total forgiveness would be secured.

next week is fine, he found himself typing back, even as he was astonished Sett wanted to do it again so soon. i wanted to see that new detective thriller if thats ok with u?

“Is it gonna be scary?” Sett smiled widely, poking fun at himself.

maybe, Aphelios smiled back. if it is u can hold my hand again 😝

🎶

Aphelios had felt a new, tentative bond forming, but he had not anticipated how thoroughly he and Sett would repair things, or perhaps how enthusiastically the beast-man intended to help the reserved musician integrate into the group. Far from waiting for their next hangout in amiable silence, Sett hadn’t stopped DMing Aphelios that night, and before he really realized it, Aphelios became used to speaking with the Vastayan throughout the day, looking forward to the frequent notifications. Things like:

this rabbit looks like u lolll www.twooter.com/goblinmodebuns/photo1

that song u just played on bass slapped phel 🤘

i had a nightmare about the f*ckn ghost in that movie. I TOLD U I WOULD 😭

u like earl grey flavour right? i saw this cool tea powder in the health food store n bought u some

someones gotta tell kayn that he f*ckn SUCKS on support. is it gonna be u or me LOL

omg another bunny that looks like u, hes even playin a carrot like a lil guitar www.twooter.com/cutestbunnies/photo3

Aphelios made sure to answer each overture, which often led to lengthy, meandering conversations about random topics. The kinds of chats friends had.

Three days in and Aphelios felt comfortable reaching out first, always gratified that Sett’s responses were quick and full of excitement. And, little by little, Aphelios felt more relaxed spending time out of his room, or leaving the door open when he wasn’t composing. Ezreal had already come in for an impromptu jam session which the others had heard and joined, Phel’s bedroom getting delightfully crowded, but resonating with surprising harmony once each of them had gotten into the swing of things.

Things were no less boisterous in the house, but he noticed that the effort he made was rewarded with warmth from the other men; Aphelios wondered if Sett had said anything to them, but ultimately decided he didn’t mind if that was the case. And now, when someone interrupted Aphelios (who was trying to contribute to conversations a little more), Sett would bark at them to shut the f*ck up… Aphelios had ended up having to DM him and tell him he didn’t need to worry about it so much or be that harsh about it, though he appreciated the back up. That conversation had ended up evolving into a lengthy discussion that had kept them up late into the night, Aphelios under his covers, blankets illuminated with the glow of his phone screen as he waited for each of Sett’s replies. They’d both been exhausted the next day, but Aphelios had been able to explain the full situation about his vocal nodes to someone other than his sister or his aunt, for the first time. He had woken up with a light heart.

Before he knew it, the week had passed, and as he put extra care into getting dressed to go to the movies, effervescent giddiness made his stomach flip more than a few times.

🎶

“That one was way better than the horror movie last week,” Sett proclaimed as they left the theatre, Aphelios’ thigh aching from where the beast-man had gripped it during a high-stakes chase scene between the lone detective and the serial killer.

we’re going to have to get u a stress ball if we keep seeing scary movies, Aphelios messaged. Somehow it was always easier to be a little cheekier, a little more relaxed through text. i keep leaving the theatre with bruises.

Sett spluttered, going red and apologizing profusely until Aphelios explained he’d just been teasing him again.

“I’m gettin’ used to that twisted sense of humour ya got,” Sett grinned, clapping Aphelios on the shoulder. “Woulda never known you had it in ya, actin’ all innocent and quiet ‘n lookin’ all put together. But I think you’re secretly a little gremlin.”

Warmth spread from Aphelios’ chest, a fluttery, lovely feeling. Alune often said the same thing, and he had certainly pranked her enough to earn the indictment. But he realized that, with their growing closeness over the past week, Sett was beginning to see more of his personality, and most significantly, was actually noticing it.

Aphelios typed, a smile visible on his mouth as this was one of the rare times he hadn’t opted for a mask despite being out in public. He’d liked the way his makeup and dark purple lipstick had looked too much to cover it up.

i dont know what u could mean. im an angel 😇

The laugh that got from Sett was gratifying, and Aphelios smiled wider as they looked at each other.

“I forgot to say somethin’ earlier, but your outfit is real cool, Phel. I like that skirt. Are they comfier than pants?”

“Skirts?” Aphelios confirmed, Sett nodding eagerly. The black, ankle length, pleated skirt was one of Aphelios’ favourite pieces of clothing.

i usually just wear leggings underneath them actually, he explained. i dont really like the feeling of my skin rubbing together. so it’s more that I like how they look
lol sorry maybe thats weird

Sett was unphased. “Nah, I hate doin’ cardio in the wrong shorts, I totally get it. One time my thighs chafed so f*ckin’ bad cause I was tryna beat K’Sante’s record on the treadmill and my shorts rode up but I couldn’t stop or else I’d lose… still lost anyway, so it wasn’t even worth it. Had to put baby powder on my crotch for a week after. Cardio f*ckin’ sucks too.”

Then, seeing Aphelios’ eyebrow raised, laughed, “see, my story was way weirder than wearin’ leggings. I don’t think you have to worry ‘bout bein’ the awkward one who should be puttin’ his foot in his mouth…”

Again they had begun walking to the subway station by default, but the spring night was pleasantly cool and the air was fresh even in the city, and neither of them seemed quite ready to stop enjoying it.

“Wanna get some food again? Maybe we can walk for a bit, if ya want,” Sett suggested with no shyness. Aphelios envied that. “I definitely don’t wanna go back to that parfait place ever again, even though I think Sarah finally forgave me at the end there.”

Aphelios nodded and gave an appropriate, if wan smile. Remembering the woman Sett had had a fling with precipitated an unpleasant prickling sensation, subtle and unexpected enough Aphelios couldn’t label it right away, missing what Sett said next as he tried to pinpoint it… no more at ease when he did. It had been a little needle of jealousy.

Why on earth was he feeling jealous? And under these circ*mstances, such a stupid reaction was borderline distressing. For a split second, Aphelios wanted to just go back home, so he could pull apart the feeling; find the seed of it and rip out all of its roots, especially since its presence was so unaccountable.

“You don’t like bubble tea?” Sett checked again, taking Aphelios’ distracted silence as a rejection of his suggestion.

“No, I like it a lot,” Aphelios rushed to clarify, forcing himself to clear his head and re-engage. “Bubble tea sounds good.”

It wasn’t long before the walk and the crisp air dispelled Aphelios’ fretting, not that Sett’s babbling left much room for ruminating. Far from finding the prattle annoying, Aphelios often found himself appreciating the chatterbox Vastayan; it took the pressure off him to carry the conversation, Sett perfectly content to voice what seemed to be his stream of consciousness. But neither did Aphelios ever feel like he was just a warm body for the beast-man to talk at. With Sett, he always felt like there was room for his replies, and his body language and expressions were observed closely by the other.

Bubble tea macros, fashion, guitar maintenance, Halloween costumes, the city’s nearby mountain range, fast cars, mystery novels, reading in general… they covered it all as they walked, continuing to meander long after they’d found a tea shop and procured drinks. It felt like the only reason they returned home when they did was merely because the subway would close soon.

When was the last time Aphelios had enjoyed just shooting the sh*t like this? Going out and taking in the city instead of staying in his room just feverishly making music or writing or playing solo RTS games… Aphelios now enjoyed Sett’s company so much that he often wondered how they had ever misunderstood each other so badly, initially. It seemed to come so naturally now.

🎶

“I thought I was good at accessorizin’ but you got a real eye for colour, Phel.”

Standing in front of the huge mirror Sett had hung in his room, the Vastayan was turning this way and that, admiring his reflection, suited up and primped for a meeting with some label execs, his tail brushed and conditioned. Aphelios had walked past his open door, and seeing Sett struggling to pick a pocket square had offered to help.

“Yeah, I like this one, really picks up the colour of my eyes. Ain’t nothin’ wrong with uppin’ the charm factor a little, even though I think we’re just discussin’ more potential brand sh*t today…”

Sett continued psyching himself up, meticulously lint rolling his own fur off his outfit and selecting a cologne as Aphelios listened and watched.

As Sett fussed, realization dawned on Aphelios. Just a sudden understanding, as if things had come into focus properly for the first time. Sett was handsome. Extremely handsome.

He wasn’t blind, he’d registered Sett’s attractiveness since seeing the display picture that had accompanied the Vastayan’s first email to him. But this…

He was used to seeing Sett’s attractiveness; the strength of his features and his body, his teal eyes so often shining with boyish enthusiasm. His expressive, fluffy ears, his sharp fangs, his cool tail. But now, looking at Sett in his suit, preening and prepping… Aphelios felt Sett’s attractiveness, it gave rise to a reaction in him that wasn’t distantly cerebral.

Aphelios thought Sett was hot.

That was new.

🎶

Things began getting easier.

The entirety of Heartsteel finally managed to be in the same place at the same time long enough to do a proper group activity, a trip to the zoo that had gone surprisingly well. Ezreal had almost cried on Aphelios from delight when they got to see the penguins doing belly slides into the water. Yone and K’Sante stayed with him for the entirety of the birds of prey show while the other three went to get snacks and drinks. And even Kayn had been the only one willing to go into the bat cave with Aphelios, and it had been funny hearing him tease the others for the rest of the afternoon over their chiropteran cowardice.

And Sett… Sett had given him a little blue bunny toy with a pouting face he’d found in the gift shop, laughing and saying the ‘resemblance was uncanny,’ laughing even harder when Aphelios had asked sceptically if the zoo even had a rabbit exhibit. But he had accepted the bunny toy gratefully, running his long fingers through its soft fur the whole car ride home.

Even with Ezreal and Kayn doing… whatever weird little bickering routine they were starting to develop, (which, thankfully, was mostly possible to just tune out), the day had felt like the first time a bunch of friends were hanging out. Just enjoying each other’s company, instead of squaring up or posturing or sussing out some kind of professional rival.

When he texted Alune later that night, cuddling the soft bunny toy under his chin as he talked with her, Aphelios smiled as he received her frenetic replies, saying she was so happy and proud of him for coming out of his shell a bit. They got into a bit of a fight when she confessed she’d been giving the boys tips on how to better connect with him, which made Aphelios feel like a zoo animal himself. Alune had just asked him where the lie was, and he’d been forced to concede… he was indeed a man of a specific habitat who could be lured out with sweets and gentle sounds.

If that was accurate, then Sett had become the best out of all of them at getting this reserved, nocturnal creature to breach the confines of his cave. In some unspoken way, they’d fallen into a routine of weekly hangouts, just the two of them, often seeing movies and getting a snack after, but not always. Sometimes they would take the car and just drive around, listening to music and talking. Aphelios hadn’t truly realized how intentional these nights were until, at different points, Kayn and Ezreal had tried to invite themselves along. When Kayn had presumptuously climbed into the car with them one night without asking, Aphelios had thought it was funny and deserved when Sett had told him to f*ck off. But when, the week after, Ezreal had asked nicely to see the movie they were watching and been told by Sett that it was just for the two of them, Phel had understood that this was meant to be his time alone with the Vastayan.

Even though that had made his heart pound, Aphelios had persuaded himself that such friend dates weren’t especially significant, the beast-man seemed to be making a point of spending one on one time with each member of Heartsteel, and naturally that would include Aphelios. It was likely just part of a specific, successful effort to meld such strong personalities together. In many ways Sett began to feel like the glue of the group, while K’Sante’s leadership felt akin to the way a talented captain sailed a ship.

And it wasn’t especially significant when Sett always insisted on being on Aphelios’ team when they played video games. It had become evident that Aphelios was generally the best player in the group, sometimes purely by virtue of the fact that Sett, Ezreal, and Kayn would often play like sh*t when tilted. And the title of “best player” was hardly special when half the time Kayn and Ezreal were on a team together they spent more time trying to sabotage each other than the enemy. But… it still gave Aphelios the sensation of a few, giddy bubbles popping in his chest when Sett would loudly proclaim the superiority and harmony of Team Cat-Ear Headphones.

And it wasn’t significant when Sett kept bringing him gifts; first it had been the blue bunny, who soon accumulated friends. It was always small things, like a cool hair clip, an interesting snack, or some kind of skincare gimmick. Often, Sett would bring home Korean products he found, asking Aphelios to read out the descriptions and teach him some basic words.

Sure… there were always lots of explanations for why Aphelios should not find these things significant. And Aphelios gave himself plenty of reasons for the nervous excitement that was becoming a constant companion. He was happier in general anyway; Alune was often over at the house, musical inspiration was beginning to flow easier… he even had several composition drafts he thought worth keeping and working on instead of letting them join their siblings in the trash.

But what was significant, what Aphelios could not explain away or rationalize, was the day he first imagined kissing Sett.

It was a normal day, too. Actually, a really boring one. A random chore day in at the beginning of summer, a necessary tedium that, overall, Aphelios was thankful Yone had made mandatory. It was a lot easier to want to spend time in common spaces in the house when they weren’t filthy, and so Aphelios didn’t complain and would just listen to music through his headphones as he vacuumed.

He’d left the discography of one of his favourite groups on shuffle, and a song he’d never paid particular attention to before now felt totally aligned with his mood. He would have hummed along if his vocal chords had let him.

Somethin' about him
His car ain't nice and flashy
There's somethin' about him
Yeah, his attitude is like magic

Unbidden, Aphelios found fond memories of his numerous hangouts with Sett start to spontaneously paint themselves in his mind’s eye. He could hear his voice and his distinct, boisterous way of talking, so unique and something Aphelios had come to enjoy quite a bit. He could picture Sett’s ears, selling him out with their unintentional eloquence, or echoing their owner’s passionate feelings. It was still a few days until their next standing appointment every Thursday night, and Aphelios found himself picturing another horror movie, where Sett–so unshy and so easily physical–would grab his arm or his hand without a second thought…

I really like how you do all the things you could do
I really like all the things that you really could say

Or maybe another car drive… Aphelios wondered if Sett would ever be willing to make a little bit of a longer trip to his favourite place: a mountaintop with a lookout view of the ocean and perfect for watching the moonrise. When Aphelios needed to be truly alone or when the wellspring of his creative inspiration ran dry, he would often drive out there, and all would feel a little more right with the world. It was a special place he’d never shown anyone else before.

Maybe they could bring a speaker or Aphelios would share an earbud with Sett… they’d be listening to music under the stars, and a love song much like this one would play…

Aphelios only realized he’d been daydreaming about Sett pulling him into his arms and kissing him under the night sky when his cheeks began burning like it had really happened.

Oh f*ck, he’d thought. Oh f*ck.

🎶

He knew they were beginning to talk about him again. At least this time it felt threaded through with genuine concern; each of the boys had gotten closer with him in their own ways, and knew that while Aphelios was intense and sensitive, he had no ego of superiority, not like they had thought. And so when they noticed he was spending more and more time in his room again, each of them knew enough that the retreat was probably something to worry about.

Aphelios himself had no idea if it was something to worry about. He tried not to think about it. He’d just thrown himself even harder into trying to make music. K’Sante had tried to reassure him they were still building their brand, they didn’t need perfect demos yet. Yone had told him that taking breaks often yielded better end results. Sett had started inviting him out to all kinds of things, the pretexts getting so slim that he’d even invited Aphelios along to his gym workouts with K’Sante, which they’d both known was such a longshot it was comical.

They’d also had a band meeting where it was suggested Alune be hired as their official manager, which had been really exciting for Aphelios until he’d noticed that everyone was on board with the idea a little too quickly, especially Alune herself, even though he knew how busy she was finishing her MBA. He’d realized he was probably the last to know, that the idea had been floated around and discussed without him. While Alune was qualified and was already mapping out a comprehensive roadplan, it didn’t take long for her twin to understand that she’d probably been brought into Heartsteel to keep an eye on her brother. A glorified babysitter.

He didn’t resent anyone for caring, certainly not his sister. But neither did any of them seem to understand that none of it made any difference; until Aphelios wrote something he thought was worthwhile, the walls of his personal hell would only close in more tightly.

And so when there was a little knock at his door, he naturally assumed it was his sister, coming to remind him to eat something or drink some water or get some sunlight for the first time in two days. He was surprised when the person that let themselves in was Ezreal, too surprised to be annoyed at being interrupted.

“Yo, Phelio! How’s it hangin’ my dude?” Somehow, Ezreal’s cheerfulness managed to power through any awkwardness, and Aphelios happened to like the ‘popstar prince’ quite a bit. But they hadn’t especially spent much time alone together, and this was probably the first time Ez had checked on him like this.

“Did Alune get tired of reminding me I have to eat something?” Aphelios gave a small smile, leaning back in his chair, internally rolling his eyes at how Ezreal sat on his bed without even asking, totally at home. “She’s sending messengers now?”

“Huh? Nah,” Ezreal picked up the blue bunny toy and began playing with its ears. Aphelios’ stomach twisted minutely. “I’m just bored as sh*t and got really curious about what you’re working on. You let Yone listen to it sometimes, right? Can I?”

Aphelios paused. His instinct to tell Ezreal to leave him alone and let him concentrate flared violently, especially when he felt a rush of shame at feeling like he had nothing worth sharing. But he tamped it down, seeing it as an opportunity. Not only did he enjoy Ezreal’s musical sense, the young man had talent and perspective that made the allegations of being a manufactured popstar laughable. And Aphelios could also see the olive branch for what it was, Ezreal was giving him an opportunity to get closer and if Heartsteel was to be his future like he wanted it to be… it was important to connect beyond video games and trips to the zoo. He forced himself to be accommodating even though no small part of him would have rather slammed his fingers in a drawer repeatedly than try to fight his foul mood.

“...Sure,” he said, pushing away from his desk and finally inviting Ezreal to come closer. If Aphelios hadn’t expected himself to react that way, Ez looked like he’d just seen hell freeze over. It was almost funny. But he recovered quickly, leaping from the unmade bed to hover beside his bandmate, looking over the sheet music covered in scribbles and at the music program with an open composition labelled “draft 74”.

Waiting as Ezreal hummed the melody off the sheet music, Aphelios went through a tumult of regret and elated pride; flip-flopping between borderline humiliation that someone was seeing such an unfinished mess, and having moments of hearing the sudden potential of the song, Ezreal ad libbing and adding his own flourishes.

“Wait, this is great stuff, man! This part here–” he sang the bridge again, not even needing lyrics “–that’s awesome, really catchy I think. Can I hear your arrangement?”

In for a penny in for a pound, Aphelios saw no point in refusing now. He queued up what he’d done in Basem*ntBand, trying not to cringe as it played through the tracks he’d overlaid; the beat, the bass, the guitar, the vocals. There was something missing, he could hear its absence, but he’d been working on it so long he could hardly stand to hear it long enough to puzzle it out.

Ezreal shared no such compunctions, bobbing along and making little impromptu choreography that Aphelios was powerless to keep from smiling at. Somehow, seeing his friend’s reaction injected fresh lifeblood into the song, and Aphelios found himself hating it only half as much.

“Yeah! Love that vocal line, and the harmony in the chorus. Had no idea you were trying to write a love song though, that’s a bold move. But I can totally see a loverboy Heartsteel concept, we wow ‘em with our romance–”

“Love song?” Aphelios interrupted, “it isn’t a love song.”

Ezreal was unphased, apparently unable to sense the fissure of bewilderment opening up in Aphelios’ guts, bordering on panic. “No? But the melody is so romantic, and the way you’ve got that gravely guitar bit harmonizing with a softer vocal track, almost supporting it, it’s like a lover’s duet. Where did you get your inspo?”

“Nowhere,” Aphelios insisted. “It’s not a love song. Heartsteel shouldn’t debut with a love song. It should be something… ugh…”

Aphelios couldn't even articulate how he wanted their first song to capture something intrinsic about each member, not be some bland lover boy concept indistinguishable from the hundreds of other boybands out there. If he couldn’t find the words, would he be able to find the music? He nearly hid his head in his hands.

“You sound like you’re taking this reeeal seriously,” Ezreal pointed out, still casual enough to soften the blow. “I’m not saying you shouldn’t be, but I mean none of us are super serious guys. If anything, it’s kind of the opposite. We’ve all messed up, gotten kicked out or dropped by our labels, or gone on hiatus. We’re not really polished perfection, you know? So maybe the music can reflect that too. Right?”

The words Ezreal was saying should have been making sense, but Aphelios felt so overwhelmed that he had a hard time parsing them. He violently fought the impulse to hit “delete” on the composition right then and there.

“I guess so,” was all he could muster for the time being as he sat there, staring at his cluttered desk, feeling his mind was even more clogged.

“That reminds me,” Ezreal said suddenly, twiddling a pen he’d picked up off of Aphelios’ desk, also without asking. “A new exhibit just opened at the metropolitan museum, and none of those other losers will go. But you’re into that stuff, right? Wanna go with me?”

Aphelios grappled with the sudden change in topic, not seeing how anything they’d been talking about could have reminded Ezreal of museums… unless… maybe the other was just finding a gentle way to suggest Aphelios take a break?

He cast a glance upward at his friend, and the charming grin he saw on his face was confirmation enough. Ezreal was too nice to say that he thought Aphelios would go insane if he stayed in his room, working on the same song for hours.

And that was fair, half of Aphelios was waiting for Ez to leave so he could rip up the sheet music and delete all 74 drafts permanently out of existence. But hearing Ezreal sing it… it hadn’t even been bad? Maybe just something for the record, and not as a debut single…

“Sure,” Aphelios’ mouth spoke before his brain truly gave it permission to make such a decision. For the second time that afternoon, Ezreal seemed flabbergasted by Aphelios actually saying yes. That made two of them. His boyish smile got even wider, enough to show his bucked teeth. Sometimes, with no small amount of affection, Aphelios though that Ezreal reminded him of a hamster.

“Poggers! Wanna go right now? Let’s just go now!” Ezreal was already at the door to Aphelios’ bedroom, it felt up to him to keep up with the little green ball of energy.

“Hang on… wait, alright…” Aphelios agreed, rising and realizing he hadn’t even washed his face or combed his hair yet. Deep inside, he felt warm gratitude that he now had friends who would drag him out of a funk like this. “But only if you never say ‘poggers’ again unironically.”

“So harsh,” Ezreal complained, grinning before he bounded to his own room to get ready. “‘Uwu’ is still fine though, right?”

🎶

He should have felt better. Or at least, he should have been able to fall asleep much easier after an enjoyable afternoon at the museum with Ezreal. They’d had an excellent time, Ezreal carrying the conversation in much the same way Sett did, making Aphelios feel at ease. In fact, the ex-archaeology student complimented him several times for being such an exceptionally receptive, attentive audience. Aphelios had just explained he didn’t find it burdensome at all, that the information Ezreal was sharing was genuinely interesting. Ezreal had replied that some people in the house would do well to learn from Aphelios…

There had been no shortage of complaints about Kayn. Enough that even Aphelios found himself wondering what was going on there, those two behaving like magnets that couldn’t figure out how to match their poles. Several times, Aphelios even considering bringing up his own torment of whatever was or was not going on between him and Sett, hoping that perhaps Ezreal could provide some advice, or at least be able to commiserate about their confusing housemates. But ultimately, the mere idea of speaking any of it aloud was unbearable.

Chatterboxes had it easy. Sett and Ezreal just said whatever was at the top of their mind, they didn’t get tangled up in their own overwrought navel-gazing and fretting. It must be pretty freeing, to live like that.

But as soon as Aphelios was alone in his room again, he felt himself turning inward; going over every interaction that day, wondering if he’d given Ezreal any reason to suspect something, reminding himself over and over that he’d deliberately avoided any mention of the Vastayan… wondering then if the avoidance itself had been conspicuous.

He’d tossed and turned in bed for hours, endlessly dissecting his feelings for Sett, hoping to pull apart every last fibre of them until there was nothing but convenient, neutral, platonic affection there. Wanting to kiss the handsome guy who was nice to you and funny and generous and patient was natural, wasn’t it? It didn’t have to mean more…

Except Aphelios almost never thought of kissing people, other people didn’t make his heart squeeze like this. He’d had a crush on a boy at school once, back in South Korea, but he’d done nothing about that and felt no need to. It had naturally ended when he’d left abruptly to live with his aunt Diana in the States, and he suddenly had much bigger things on his mind than a juvenile crush.

Maybe it was just a proximity thing. Or maybe it was just something pent up? When was the last time Aphelios had masturbat*d? While he’d never really related to it, he was reminded of how casually other men talked about jerking off, a daily need for most of them or else it would build internal pressure like steam in old, rattling pipes with no open valve. Thinking it might help him get something out of his system, he’d started touching himself. Only for thoughts of Sett to come unbidden to his mind, making everything worse… leaving him not only stressed and sleepless but uncomfortably half-hard.

Somehow, amidst the hours of misery he’d finally fallen asleep. A fitful dreamless void. It was only a few hours later that he was woken up by his sister who’d come in at 2:00p.m., saying even that was a little late for her nightowl brother.

“Mrrpf,” his grunt serving as his request to be left alone. The worst part was he knew Alune understood, even incoherent monosyllables, but she stubbornly refused.

“No ‘mrrpf’. You doing okay, Phel?” She lay down with him, cuddling behind him overtop the blankets. “Did something happen again?”

He didn’t know how to answer, but something in his heart leapt instantly at the chance to unburden himself to his twin. Out of everyone in the entire world, he knew he could trust her with anything, and she would give him guidance without it becoming a Big Deal. Probably. But more than that, he just wanted to curl up under his blankets until it all somehow went away.

“You’ve been staying in your room for days,” she continued in his silence. “I thought things were better, that you were getting along better with them… didn’t you have fun with Ezreal at the museum yesterday?”

After a pause, Aphelios nodded.

Part of what made this so hard was that it felt like there was hardly a problem to begin with. He knew he’d ensnared himself hopelessly in his own inner world where he was his own worst critic, but he was so lost in the trees that seeing the full forest felt beyond his capability. Why could he not just get over dumb sh*t like this? Why did he have to make everything a crisis?

“Then… was it something else? Are you… are you having nightmares again?”

The question alone made Aphelios feel unaccountably like crying. He knew what she meant. She’d been the only witness to the nightmares that had plagued his teenage years, sporadically popping up like a strangling vine sending a new shoot up from underground, always ready to pull Aphelios down and remind him where he’d come from.

He shook his head again. “It’s not that. I haven’t had any since moving in here.”

Alune made a soft noise, like she was surprised but glad. “Then what is it?”

It would be so easy, just to tell her ‘nothing,’ to tease her and gripe at her for ruining his beauty sleep and get her off his case. But the words wouldn’t come, at least not those ones… something else was perched at the back of his throat begging to be aired outside of the stagnant emotional sinkhole it had been living in for the past couple weeks.

“It’s Sett,” Aphelios said finally, whispering his secret. He felt the hitch in Alune’s body language, how her thumb stroking his arm started, like a needle jumping the ridges of a vinyl record. Clearly, that hadn’t been what she’d expected.

“He did something? Did he say something to you again?” Alune was probably trying to keep it out of her voice, but there was a note of big sister anger that Aphelios found simultaneously heartwarming and nerve-wracking. “I thought you guys were getting along really well! Although–”

“No, he hasn’t done anything.” Aphelios halted the runaway train of his sister’s protectiveness before it could gather too much momentum. “It’s me. I think… I have feelings for him.”

There were many ideal reactions Alune could have given in that moment, but instead, she burst out laughing. She desperately tried to clip the sound when her indignant brother whipped around and levelled a scorching red glare at her, and failed.

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry. I just… I wasn’t expecting that. That’s why you’ve been shut in your room? Seriously?!”

Forget I said anything! Aphelios signed at her, knowing it was as futile as trying to escape his giggling sister by hiding under the covers until she gave up and left like he wanted her to.

“No, no… Phel, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to laugh! Part of it is that I’m just happy for you! It’s cute!”

Happy?! Aphelios found a way to do the impossible, deepening the glare even further somehow. His sister hardly noticed. Do you know how difficult that makes everything? How inappropriate it is?

“Inappropriate?” Alune valiantly tried to keep from laughing more, failing again. “Oh, get over yourself. It’s not that serious! This is the first time you’ve had friends like this, and Sett has made the biggest effort to make sure you feel comfortable. And he’s really hot. Does my little alien brother not realize how normal it is to get a crush like this?”

You’re missing the point, Aphelios retorted, his signing animated with irritation. First of all I said I THINK I have feelings. And it IS a big deal, because they aren’t my friends. Well, they are, but we are colleagues first and foremost. This is my job. It’s not professional.

“You are so silly sometimes!” Alune was clearly not getting it, and Aphelios didn’t know who he was more frustrated with, her, or himself. “You think this is forbidden? Do you know how many people in bands fall in love? Lots of couples make music together. It’s not like he’s your boss or something!”

They get feelings for each other and then it gets messy and it ruins the band, Aphelios signed pointedly, the gestures jabbing, as if this was the most basic of all knowledge.

“Oh my god…. poor Sett, ahahaha!” Alune was grinning and giggling still, clearly uncomprehending why this was an earth-shattering dilemma. “He was moping so miserably the other day, his ears were all flat! You know how they wilt. He was so sad, he asked me, like, two hundred times if you’d said anything, if he’d done something to make you avoid him, and then… yesterday when you went out with Ezreal, he looked even more dejected, he kept wondering out loud if he’d invited you to the museum if you would have still cancelled last Thursday. Did you not notice? Oh my god…”

An unpleasant, full body prickling heat ran through Aphelios from head to toe. He hated how his heart leapt at the mention of the Vastayan, how he instantly wanted to press Alune for more details.

“Look at your face! Ahahahaha!” Alune wasn’t even bothering to hold back now. She had never been able to properly tease her brother over having a crush, and he was so casual when she talked about her boyfriends or girlfriends that it was hardly fun. She was certainly making up for lost time now.

Can you listen to what I’m saying for three seconds? It was times like these where Aphelios wished he could shout. This isn’t funny for me. I can’t concentrate on the music properly. I’ve written trash. I’m too distracted. I feel like I act like a weirdo every time I’m around him, I can’t concentrate. And now he thinks I’m avoiding him. This is exactly what I mean, this kind of thing creates tension and ruins projects. I don’t want to be what ruins Heartsteel…

Finally, seeing how her brother was not just being a bashful ingénue ripe for sibling teasing, but seemed to be genuinely distressed, Alune calmed down.

“What about Yone and K’Sante?” she asked, serious. It felt like a non-sequitur, frustrating Aphelios even further.

What about them? They’d care too if I made things too tense for Heartsteel to work together.

“No, no… that’s not what I mean. You really haven’t noticed? Oh, Phel…”

Aphelios wanted to tear his hair out. Why did it feel like he alone lived in a world of riddles and secret games he didn’t know the rules to? Notice what?

“They very clearly have feelings for each other,” Alune explained haltingly, as if she couldn’t quite believe her brother was that oblivious. “They’re probably already dating, or will be soon. And they don’t act like it’s a big deal either, because it isn’t!”

Stunned, Aphelios processed this information. If anything, it was confronting proof about how myopic he could be, concerned so consumingly with his inner world that he wouldn’t notice something like this.

“Don’t feel bad, Phel. I think it’s mostly been pretty recently, and it’s not like they said anything themselves. You were probably in your room. But they’re holding hands, going on ‘dates,’ things like that. And no one bats an eyelash, because it’s not a big deal, see? You’re overthinking all of this.”

It was funny Alune should say that, that it wasn’t a big deal in the negative sense, because as soon as he’d gotten over his initial surprise, Aphelios had just thought ‘good for them, that makes sense.’ Somehow though, when applied to himself it just felt… so different.

They’re different , he told her firmly. They’re like… they’re adults. If they’re dating, they’ll probably just get married. Neither of them are the type to have fights that would break up the band. Isn’t K’Sante still good friends with Tope? It’s different.

Alune began laughing again. “‘They’re adults’? Ahaha! You’re twenty-five, Phel! And Sett is twenty-seven!”

“ You know what I mean!” Aphelios said, grabbing Alune’s hands and shaking her to get her to stop. “And keep your voice down!”

“Nobody in the house can understand Korean anyway, you doofus! Okay, okay… I’m sorry… this side of you is just so…”

Aphelios fired a potent hairy eyeball at his sister, and she wisely did not finish her sentence. Equally wisely, she also dropped her voice to just above a whisper.

“It’s different for you because he would be your first boyfriend, right?”

There was no mocking in her tone anymore, Alune was being tender, understanding. Finally.

I don’t even know if I want to date him. I have no idea if he wants to date me. But yes, if we did, I have a much higher chance of screwing it up. I haven’t figured things out yet, not like that. I never wanted to, either… but…”

“Now it feels too scary to even try?” Alune patted his hand once he’d finished signing. “I’m sorry, Phel. I didn’t get it before, but I get it now. If it were in another scenario, it wouldn’t feel so high risk, right? But you feel like you have no room to make any mistakes, because it might take down Heartsteel with it. I would be scared too. I’m sorry.”

I can’t seem to just… ignore it. I wish I could. And I feel so guilty… I haven’t written anything worthwhile. And if I just start spending my time fooling around, having fun with Sett instead? It doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t feel good. But now Sett feels bad. It’s like… what’s that saying? ‘Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.’ It’s that.

Finally, the predicament was sinking in, and he could see in Alune’s face that she was also seeing that it wasn’t as simple and sweet as some nervous feelings, a cute crush. Aphelios wasn’t stellar at platonic friendships, as amply evidenced by how bumpy his initial time with Heartsteel had been, and the fact that this was the first time he’d wanted to date someone and the option was likely on the table, he was confronted with the reality that he had no idea how he’d react as someone’s boyfriend. Far from filling him with gooey optimism, it made him feel selfish and anxious.

“How serious is it? Maybe you could just… get used to it? Until everything feels more stable…” Even Alune cringed at such lacklustre advice.

I don’t even know if it is serious, I don’t know what’s normal to feel, whether this is how other people feel all the time.

“Well, how often do you think about him?” Alune asked.

Too much, Aphelios answered honestly, thankful Alune didn’t laugh in his face again. I always wonder what he’s doing, I wait for his messages. It makes me feel stupid. I can’t concentrate.

“And what do you think about doing with him? What makes it different from a friendship for you? Because sometimes I get really excited about new friends like that. And it really does seem like you guys get along well.”

Aphelios thought about it, thankful that he could finally get some of this off his chest and have it be heard by another sentient person. But he was not so thankful that he was able to trust unconditionally.

I’ll only tell you if you swear you won’t tease me.

“I promise,” Alune said, holding out her pinky for Aphelios to link with his.

Fine… when we go to the movies together, he grabs me a lot, my arm or my leg or even my hand. I like it when he does that, and I don’t want him to let go. I think about how handsome he is, I get jealous of his exes. I want…

Aphelios cut himself off, too mortified to continue.

“You think about kissing him? You think about holding his hand?” Alune’s voice became dangerously sing-song, right on the precipice of the teasing she had just pinky sworn not to do.

If you make this any more embarrassing than it already is, I’ll throw you out of my room and think of revenge so brutal that you’ll regret ever laughing, he threatened her, and she knew he meant it.

With remarkable restraint, she did not point out how pink his cheeks were, the blush so strong it was colouring his ears.

“Well, I hate to break it to you, but there’s no ‘think’ about this, baby brother. You have caught bonafide, terminal lovesickness… you definitely have feelings for him–”

Don’t call it terminal like I’m going to die from it, he interrupted her. That’s not helping.

She laughed and chittered over him, acting like she wanted to pinch his cheeks, he was too cute. He felt miserable.

What do I do? he asked, trying to get her back on track. Just try to wait it out, right?

Alune paused, thinking for a moment. “I mean, you could. But you will need to do a better job compensating, because I think you are genuinely beginning to hurt Sett’s feelings, avoiding him. Sorry, but that’s the truth.”

Aphelios just sat there, wishing his mattress could become a giant clamshell that would swallow him up, taking him to another world where he didn’t have to worry about this, or feel like such an idiot over it.

“Have you thought of telling him?” Then, seeing the panic on her brother’s face, “you can tell someone you have feelings for them without asking to take it anywhere. You could explain what you explained to me, I think he would understand.”

That’s a terrible idea, Aphelios told her flat out. That will just make things even weirder for him. It would be so awkward to confess and then ask him to keep things normal. I’ll just be making him uncomfortable, and he would probably want to cancel Thursdays, so I don’t get the wrong idea. Why does this have to be so complicated?

“You don’t think he feels the same?” Alune asked.

Aphelios rolled onto his back, staring at the ceiling he’d hand painted constellations onto. In the middle of the afternoon like this they looked little better than pale green smears, but at night they would glow for hours.

“I have no idea,” he said finally.

“It doesn’t make you feel excited to think he could like you back?” Alune checked, having already long ago arrived at some conclusions of her own.

“No,” Aphelios stated flatly. “Because then the temptation is even worse. If we both admitted we wanted to be closer, to see where it goes… it just becomes dating at that point, right?”

Then adding in sign, then I’m just back at where I started, scared that our relationship will ruin Heartsteel. And I know Sett hasn’t had a serious boyfriend either. We both would have no idea what we were doing. It’s a recipe for disaster. And it would be awful to ruin it if we make it big, but it feels just as pathetic to ruin it for everyone before we even really get the chance to start.

Alune hmm ed, thinking, and turning over so she could look at her brother’s ceiling too.

“I know it may not feel like it right now,” she spoke tentatively, trying to make sure her brother was actually receptive to it, since it felt so out of line with how his brain usually worked. “But some things are worth taking risks over. Who’s to say you two couldn’t work out, the way you think Yone and K’Sante will work out? What if Heartsteel just feels even more like the family you’ve been looking for? If that was a possibility, don’t you think it’s worth taking the chance for? Especially if Sett wants it just as badly?”

Aphelios resisted the notion, almost consciously making an effort to prevent such romantic optimism from nestling in his heart where it might take root and sprout into false flowers of hope.

“Think about it, Phel,” Alune pressed, sensing her brother’s defenses raising and gently resisting them. “In either case, stop avoiding Sett, stop avoiding everyone. You’re not going to write good music while you’re this frustrated, anyway. If you keep hiding away, you’re just sabotaging what you’re trying so hard to protect.”

A heavy, sad sigh left Aphelios’ lips. He turned again, this time towards the wall, facing away from his sister.

He knew she was right, and it just made him hurt even worse to realize he had so much power to wreck something that had proven to be one of the greatest sources of happiness for him, ever.

Somewhere, deep inside himself, he could feel a much younger self, put to sleep for his own protection, numbed so as not to be shattered. That young self stirred, making Aphelios’ heart ache. He was already living dreams that he’d scarcely been able to envision as a child. He couldn’t let himself ruin this, even if just for the child he used to be, how much that kid had yearned for days like these.

“...I’ll tell them you aren’t feeling well.” Alune kissed the top of his head, right on his cowlick, tucking him in better as she left. At least her ability to tell when Aphelios truly needed to be alone was still perfect. “But think about it, Phel. I know we haven’t had a lot of it, but happiness sometimes has to be grasped for… you have to choose it, and hold on to it.

“And I don’t know anyone who deserves it more than you, brother.”

🎶

Chapter 2: "Fire in the Sky" Anderson .Paak

Chapter Text

My twitter (please say hi!!): aphelionaphelia

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Here's the Homesick Soundtrack that will build as the story progresses: spotify

Chapter Two (Sett)

Fire in the Sky - Anderson .Paak

“Hey, Seth.”

The annoying voice and the even more annoying ‘nickname’ were about the last things Sett wanted to deal with this morning. He was already in a rotten mood that he was praying a workout with K’Sante would salvage.

“How many times have I gotta tell ya to stop callin’ me that, Kayn?” Through admirable control, Sett took out his aggression on the protein shake he was mixing, and not Kayn’s stupid smirking face.

“Aww, don’t like it when I call you ‘Seth,’ Seth?”

This shtick had been going on for a week now, with Kayn finding it peak comedy to provoke Sett with mispronouncing his name until he finally got a reaction. Usually it was when they were playing games with Ez and Aphelios, and presumably the rapper had figured out that if he did it in a match, Sett would get so pissed he’d lose concentration. Sometimes it was sufficient to even the playing field and give the others a fighting chance; when Sett’s teammate was always Aphelios–the unkillable demon king of calm and master at tilting his enemies with emotes alone–it meant that Sett was usually also the winner.

“I like it about as much as you would if I started callin’ ya ‘Ken,’ Ken. That way Ez can be your Barbie, too! It’s perfect.”

“Alright, point taken,” Kayn conceded. There wasn’t much he would back down from, but the beast-man had wisely figured out that weaponizing Ezreal had a solid chance of efficacy.

“So?” Sett prompted, still peeved. “Did you come into the kitchen to talk to me for a reason? Or are you just yankin’ my chain ‘cause you got no hobbies?”

Unphased by the insult, Kayn snickered. “I came with a deal for you, beast boy. How much money do you want, for you to fake sick next Thursday, and I take Aphelios out to the movie instead?”

The protein shaker exploded, the lid popping off from how hard Sett had suddenly crushed it in his grip.

“Whoa, what the f*ck!” Kayn screeched, flecks of shake splattered across his socks, puddles of the drink pooling on the floor. “Didn’t you screw that thing on tight enough? God, you really are a meathead.”

Kayn was lucky the shaker hadn’t exploded on his face, especially since he didn’t seem to realize it hadn’t been an accident. Sett calmed himself, realizing that at all costs, he had to control his temper and play it cool. He needed to get to the bottom of this, and see if it was some kind of trick on Kayn’s part in an effort to expose the truth.

“...And why would I ever agree to that?” Sett asked, hoping he sounded annoyed rather than threatened, focusing on cleaning up the spilled protein shake.

“Well because I just said I would bribe you, but also I thought you were a ‘bro.’ Isn’t your whole thing with K’Sante all about being ‘bros’? I want you to be a ‘bro’ and let me take Aphelios out, so I can make my move.”

“Make your move?” Sett repeated, incredulous. This had to be a prank. Or a set-up. “What, like… you wanna sleep with him?”

There was no way that could be what Kayn meant, Sett refused to accept it.

“More or less,” Kayn replied nonchalantly, oblivious that Sett could have reached out and popped his skull like a ripe grape. “I finally got around to watching his MeTV channel, I mean, I’d seen the most popular ones, but have you seen his stuff? He can play basically every instrument, almost perfectly. I thought he was just some loser shut-in but if his voice hadn’t crapped out, he could have had his own band, easily. Way bigger than any of us.”

Bile was surging at the back of Sett’s throat, clogging the words from coming out. The beast-man felt at a total loss, he knew Kayn had a weird thing about perfectionism, bordering on a kink. But never in a million years would he have predicted… this.

And yes, Sett had watched every single one of Aphelios’ MeTV videos, several times over. But he’d rather slam his dick in the oven door than admit that to Kayn.

“Have you even spoken to him?” Sett fired back, disgusted, panicked. “Like one on one.”

“No, and that’s why I need your help, bro . I’ve tried, but half the time he just shrugs, no matter what I say. I think he’s playing hard to get, although somehow Twinkle Toes up there managed to get him out of his room for the first time in a week to go to the museum. But I’ll only go so far for love, and archaeology is too far.”

‘Twinkle Toes’ was obviously Ezreal, still asleep in his bed. It seemed the museum trip had irked more than one housemate. Sett laughed, the acid disdain in the sound apparently falling on deaf ears. “You sure he’s playin’ hard to get? I think he might still be pissed at you from when you went through his wall without knockin’. He’s big on privacy, not that you’d have any appreciation for that.”

“That was weeks ago,” Kayn rolled his eyes in exasperation. “And in any case, he paid me back, covering my entire bedroom floor with active mouse traps. Did you help him do that, by the way?”

Sett laughed again, this time with vicious enjoyment. “No, but I wish I had.”

“Must have been Alune, then. One of my fingers is still bruised.” Oblivious to the reaction from the Vastayan, Kayn examined the middle finger of his left hand, the lingering tenderness presumably reminding him of a mouse trap he hadn’t managed to disarm properly.

“You’re talkin’ as if that was his way of flirtin’ with you,” Sett jibed, his lip curling with disgust, “when I’m pretty sure that was Phel’s way of tellin’ you to f*ck right off.”

Unphased, Kayn considered this, giving a small nod of appreciation. “It was creative, I’ll give him that. But the two are not mutually exclusive, and you’re underestimating my game. Just tell me, are you going to help me or not?”

“Absolutely f*ckin’ not,” Sett declared, beginning to mix a new protein shake, still firm but less… violent. “Not only are you sh*t outta luck ‘cause Phel cancelled last week ‘n I dunno if he’ll even wanna go out this week, but you’re thinkin’ with your dick ‘n I certainly ain’t gonna cheer you on’.”

Finally, this seemed to take Kayn off guard, and he scoffed at Sett in revulsion, his mismatched eyes narrowing. “ You of all people want to be a prude? Are you pretending like you don’t have a reputation in this industry? I think your list of exes and flings is even longer than mine, beast-man.”

“This is different,” Sett retorted, colour rising to his face, praying in the back of his mind no one was overhearing this conversation. “First of all, I’ve calmed down, a lot . And second, I’m talkin’ about f*ckin’ your bandmates, Kayn. While I think you got less than a snowball’s chance in hell, have you considered what it might do to Heartsteel?”

“Hold up,” Kayn interrupted, posturing for a fight. “You want to lecture me now about sex with bandmates when your little bestie is literally going on romantic candlelit dinner dates with Yone? Did you tell K’Sante he’s not allowed?”

“No,” Sett held firm. “‘Cause that’s different too. You’re different and Phel’s different. Outta all of us, Phel is the one you should be givin’ the most room to breathe, not tryin’ to get in his pants like a f*ckin’ horn dog. You saw how much of an adjustment this was for him. And anyway, you can’t tell me with a straight face that you got your sh*t together on the level K’Sante and Yone do. If somethin’ goes sideways, those two would be professional. You wouldn’t.”

Seeing Kayn about to protest, Sett went for a low blow before the other could speak. He was too freaked out to be appropriately disgusted with himself, to give his better nature time to win out.

“You’re the one who got kicked out of your old band, Kayn. You gotta be more careful, ‘n keep your nose clean. Heartsteel isn’t your playground. Aphelios isn’t a toy.”

Picking his words so carelessly, Sett could have easily started a serious conflict right then and there in the kitchen, and he probably wouldn’t even hold it against Kayn if he lost his sh*t after getting hit below the belt like that. But to his surprise, Sett watched as Kayn’s expression became a shocked sneer.

“I’ve never thought that, not once,” Kayn emphasized. “I thought I’d proven to you how serious I was about Heartsteel, I thought that was clear.”

Even with the disdain in his tone, Sett could detect that the younger man was afraid—afraid that he hadn’t done a good enough job, and his place in Heartsteel was more precarious than he realized. He might mock Sett unrelentingly and irritate the living f*ck out of him on a regular basis, but Kayn was still evidently aware that he was speaking with one of the co-leaders, who held his fate in his hands.

Shame set in, and Sett tried not to make it too obvious how bad he was beginning to feel, with a clearer head. He shouldn’t have said that.

“I didn’t say ya weren’t, Kayn. I’m just pointin’ out the optics, ‘n that I wanna help you make sure you keep on the straight ‘n narrow this time, so we can all avoid messes. Alright?”

In spite of how guilty he felt, that didn’t mean he would ever apologize to Kayn. Especially not when Sett was such a hypocrite himself.

“How ‘bout this instead,” he offered. “We got out for a night on the town, ‘n we find you someone or several someones who you can have fun with who ain’t one of the five of us. I’ll even wingman for ya.”

“No thanks,” Kayn said, his tone returning to his casual, signature derision. Sett hoped this meant that no permanent offense had been incurred. “Every time we’ve gone out, everyone just wants to f*ck you instead. I’m not competing with a guy who has cute little fuzzy red ears. In any case, Akali is a way better wingman than you… Seth.”

A little vein in Sett’s temple pulsed, but he controlled his temper, this time. Kayn deserved one jab back, at least. And, it also likely meant that he hadn’t been very upset by what had been said, if he felt comfortable enough to go back to being a little sh*t again so quickly.

Best of all, Aphelios seemed to now be off limits… whatever that meant.

“Whatever you say, Ken,” Sett smirked back, before taking a swig of his protein shake.

🎶

Regretfully, it seemed like even a work-out with K’Sante could not improve Sett’s sh*tty day. The conversation with Kayn had only sent him into a tailspin, and for most of his weight reps, Sett had been on another planet, ruminating over one of two things. He’d been excessive with Kayn, but what he said rang no less true, and the admonishment wasn’t only applicable to the sh*t-stirring rapper. But even as Sett thought through the various ways a band romance could implode things, much more potently, he seethed with jealousy. He wasn’t proud of it, but between Kayn and Ezreal, there was only one word for how Sett was feeling. He felt territorial.

It felt like people were lining down around the block to be around Aphelios. Sett wanted to be first in place.

“Alright, what is it?” K’Sante side-eyed his friend. Sett had sighed so many times and so theatrically as he sullenly trudged on the treadmill, that he seemed to be practically begging to be asked.

“What’s what?” Sett deflected. He wanted to spill his guts, real bad. And he knew he could trust K’Sante, but it would also be letting a cat out of a bag it would probably never get back inside. If Sett spoke it aloud, he’d lose the flimsy pretext of plausible deniability, it would be real. And it would be a problem.

“Your ears are wilted like flowers in a drought and your treadmill is not even on an incline–” Sett sighed again “–and you have been sighing like a high schooler waiting for someone to ask her to dance.”

Sett continued sulking, pressing the incline increase button out of spite, though his pace was still a walk. “What’s with the weirdo metaphors…? And it’s nothin’. Just been havin’ some sh*t days is all.”

“And what, pray tell, has been making them sh*tty? So sh*tty it is more important than your cardio, I might add.”

Grumbling without venom about how his best friend didn’t know when to drop things, Sett stared at his feet, embattled by his conundrum. Beside him, he could feel his co-leader waiting for the emotional dam to burst; he knew how the Vastayan operated a little too well.

“I said it’s nothin’. Just sh*t like Kayn being a little freak, annoyin’ the piss outta me. He keeps callin’ me Seth ‘n won’t drop it. And I’m tired of hearin’ Ezreal talk about the stupid museum. Yap yap yap yap yap. It’s been impossible to get peace ‘n quiet.”

Sett missed the look K’Sante shot him; an expression of utter skepticism, as if he was asking do you really think I’m stupid enough to believe that? The rhetorical silence was enough.

“Alright, fine.” Sett griped, jabbing the incline button again. “You wanna know so bad? You’re gonna nitpick ‘til I give you the answer you want?”

“I am not nitp–”

“I think I’m in love with Aphelios,” Sett hurled out, the emotional dam bursting just as K’Sante had expected. But K'Sante did not look half as surprised as Sett had expected.

There was a long pause, but Sett could see his friend attempting to suppress a smile.

“...I cannot say I had not been wondering about that,” K’Sante confessed, knowing an outright smile would only add insult to injury when Sett was moping this hard, but the glint in his eyes was unmistakable. “But is that not a happy thing? Why the long face?”

The growl Sett let out had real frustration as he spammed the sprint button, nearly tripping as the treadmill accelerated. Which, of course, just made him crankier. “It’s not a happy thing, it’s a disaster! It could ruin everything. And he already hates me for some reason–”

“Hate?” K’Sante cut in, baffled. “He does not hate you. Unless he has told you he hates you on those long nights out you spend together every Thursday.”

“He cancelled the last one, then yesterday he went out with Ezreal! And now Kayn’s tryin’ to rizz him up too…” Sett increased the speed more, his jealousy spurring him for a physical outlet. “He’s been avoidin’ me for like a week, ‘n I don’t even know why. I think he figured out that I’ve got such mega feelin’s for him ‘n he got creeped out.”

Sett was too busy trying not to trip but too prideful to slow the pace to notice the second wholly unimpressed look his friend blasted him with. “And these conclusions are based on…”

“What else would it be? I feel like I can’t hide sh*t around him, he picks up on everything so he musta noticed I’m down BAD. You think he’s just tryin’ to be nice about it, and goin’ on a date with Ezreal was his way of tellin’ me I ain’t got a chance? That’s probably what it is–”

“Sett,” K’Sante scolded to no avail.

“Sett–” more urgently this time, but the beast-man was still too sulky.

“Sett, your shoelace—!”

The warning was not delivered in time and the miserable Vastayan crashed down. Luckily, he missed a collision with the control panel, but the speeding treadmill ejected him out onto the gym floor like trash getting thrown to the curb, a fatal blow to his pride.

First the protein shake incident, and now this. If this humiliation was meant to be a sign from the universe, Sett took it loud and clear.

🎶

“Sorry, but we can never go back there.” Sett’s sweater hood was pulled tight, dark sunglasses over his eyes, hiding his identity even though they were already in the car. The slight limp from his scraped knee had hardly stopped him from fleeing the gym as fast as humanly possible.

“No one will remember in a week,” K’Sante promised him, then, receiving a withering glare, qualified, “but we can find another gym. I heard the one a few blocks from our house is having a promotion anyway…”

Sett was grateful for the few minutes of silence his friend gave him as they drove back home, and he prayed that K’Sante had forgotten what they’d been talking about before the Shoelace Incident. God, Sett f*cking hated treadmills. But he had no such luck.

“I know you did not ask me, but if you had asked me, I would have told you that I think you have gotten way ahead of yourself, Sett.”

The Vastayan stared obstinately out of the window, frustrated that he was in an even more foul mood than earlier that morning. He felt silly, and stupid. With Sett’s hood so tight and glasses so dark and expression so sour, K’Sante felt like he was giving relationship advice to a bank robber. Realizing he was not likely to receive an answer yet, K’Sante continued undaunted.

“I admit I find Aphelios hard to read, but think about this. If there was anything romantic between him and Ezreal, you think that Ez would be able to keep it a secret? Ezreal is easy to read. And Kayn… let us just say I do not believe there is anything there that should be worrying you, my friend. And I do not think Aphelios has been avoiding you specifically. He has been ‘avoiding’ all of us simply because he is working in his room.

“Instead of assuming it is personal, I think we should both be more worried that he seems to be returning to whatever frame of mind he was in when we all moved in together. And from my perspective, I think he feels the most comfortable with you, and could use your friendship right now.”

Sett was listening, but he was having a hard time knowing what to say. He felt foolish, but the point about Ezreal rang true and made him instantly feel much, much better. But he was ashamed of his relief. He’d told Kayn Aphelios wasn’t a toy, but here he was, secretly hoping both his rivals would lose.

And, beyond that, Sett had already let his bruised ego hurt Aphelios once… if his bad attitude hadn’t upset Phel yet again it soon would, if Sett didn’t get himself under control. Silently, the beast-man committed that when they got back to the house, he would make an effort to be a good friend to Aphelios, above all. Because K’Sante was right.

One thing his friend had said bolstered him, though, and Sett had to admit he was eager to hear more. “You think he’s most comfortable with me?”

K’Sante nodded. “He’s talked about the movies you’ve seen together, he likes being on your team when you play video games, and you’re the one he told about the pressure he feels to do well in Heartsteel, right? He didn’t share that with anyone else. You know all this, you’re just not seeing it right now.”

A little sparkle returned to Sett’s teal eyes, his ears were unconsciously perking. “You think… you think he might like me back?”

K’Sante’s initial struggle to find words was telling, and Sett sunk back into the passenger’s seat, sulking afresh. They were nearly home, now.

“Have you considered telling him how you feel?” K’Sante said instead, after reiterating that Aphelios was hard to read.

“I can’t just do that,” Sett retorted, as if it was the most obvious fact of life. Sett couldn’t remember the last time he’d had to confess his feelings like this, maybe in middle school. People came to him, and made their interest clear. And it felt scarier with another man, like he was operating outside the familiar rulebook. What if it ruined their friendship? What if it made Aphelios feel even more isolated? The idea that he might impose on or somehow hurt the other was what Sett found most unbearable. All the things he’d said to Kayn had been true… he knew he was a hypocrite for ignoring them himself. Could he live with that?

“Why not?” K’Sante returned casually. “I told Yone, and the earth did not crack open and lightning did not strike us down. And last I checked, Heartsteel was doing just fine, despite us dating.”

“That’s different,” Sett said again. He loved his bro, but on this count at least, K’Sante just didn’t get it. No one had been bothered by him and Yone getting together because it felt more natural for them to be together than apart. There had just been happiness, no one had been worried that the band’s collective future hung in the balance. “You guys just make sense. And you’re mature. You’re like… the dads. It’s different …”

It didn’t help that when Sett had found out his fellow members had begun dating, that alongside his genuine happiness for them, he’d been sick with jealousy that it wasn’t him and Aphelios.

“Maybe so,” K’Sante said in a voice that made it clear he didn’t think it was different at all, and that he also thought Sett was being a doofus but was too nice to say so. “In either case, don’t punish him for the stories you are making up in your own head. Be there for him now, if he needs it.”

Hmm, good point. Had Sett ever been just a good friend to Aphelios?

He couldn’t even pinpoint when the romantic feelings had started… probably from the first time he’d seen one of Aphelios’ MeTV videos. And the fat crush had heavily factored into his extra sensitivity when he’d thought Aphelios had disliked him. Thankfully, they’d fixed their misunderstanding, but now Sett had gotten in his own head again, convinced Phel was avoiding him or liked Ez better. If he kept spiralling, who knew how badly things would mess up.

Yone and K’Sante hadn’t had to doubt, hadn’t had to beat around the bush. Their mutual interest had been obvious and natural. And Sett wouldn’t be surprised if the two ended up married. With Aphelios, it felt like there was so much on the line, so much he didn’t know about him… Sett loved how expressive his face could be, easily showing mischief or boredom. But Aphelios’ body language rarely gave insight into his deeper moods or thoughts, and he talked about them even less.

As K’Sante pulled the jeep into their driveway it felt like an end to the conversation, and Sett had no more insight than before it had been brought up. Until he was suddenly struck by brilliant insight.

“Why don’t you tell Yone? And Yone can go ‘n get a read on Phel, maybe ask him some questions–”

“Sett,” K’Sante cautioned, exactly like a dad would do.

“Or maybe I could ask Alune–”

“Sett,” K’Sante repeated, and the Vastayan caught himself almost checking his shoelaces before getting out of the car. But this lecture was on his emotional foolishness, not his footwear.

“No roundabout games, we are not in high school,” K’Sante gentled, but still showing himself to be the far more mature gym bro. “You just need to talk to him, and find a way to tell him how you feel.”

It was solid advice, but it did nothing to make Sett feel brave enough to do it.

“You are going to tell Yone though, right?”

K’Sante looked at him, pausing before he opened the front door. “My friend, Yone already knows. Alune too, I think.” Then, seeing the look of horrified betrayal on the beast-man’s face, clarified, “I did not tell them. You are just… rather obvious.”

With that, he went inside the house, leaving his friend on the front steps, mortified afresh.

🎶

Showered and having eaten, Sett felt better, if only by a hair. He deserved K’Sante’s reminder to not let his drama get in the way of being a good friend and a good leader. Once he’d had a chance to reflect for a bit, Sett had fully intended to go find Aphelios and go be a Good Friend… but had found his door firmly closed, and forebodingly so. Sett had lost his nerve, sulking again in the living room, fooling around on his laptop, doing some online shopping so he could at least have a package to look forward to, feeling mighty sorry for himself.

There had been a new drink shaker he’d been eyeing, and after how he’d probably permanently deformed the shaker from that morning, he’d likely need a replacement. Not super exciting as far as packages went, but it would do. Adding it to his Amazing cart, the site helpfully reminded him of his past purchases, asking if he’d like to buy them again.

Fur rollers, and magnum condoms.

Sett added the rollers to his cart. He was perpetually leaving red fur on everything and the rollers saw hard use. But the condoms…

He sighed, thinking. He used to have to buy a new 40 pack every other month, if it even lasted that long. But the “last purchased date” felt like it was taunting him. Four months ago… and he knew he still had a half-full box in his dresser drawer.

Was that why he was letting himself get this insane over a crush? This was probably his longest dry spell since he’d lost his virginity. Things had just gotten busy; moving, getting the band together, career stress… He clicked firmly, adding the box to his cart and promising himself that if he got back in the swing of things and had a fun night out, he’d have no problem approaching this whole Aphelios dilemma with a much clearer head.

But…

But……

He pictured it. Imagined going out to a bar or club, finding someone who was easy to read, unlike his bandmate. And they’d make it clear they wanted to have a good time, and Sett would go home with them and enjoy himself… get Aphelios out of his system…

Imagining that only felt vaguely repulsive to him, now. The idea of going home with a stranger not only held little appeal, but to Sett’s irritation and distress, he kept picturing Aphelios instead. Not even sex, though he very badly wanted that too. He carried no small amount of shame for having thought about Aphelios while jerking off. More than once.

Instead, Sett pictured going out to the movies or new cafes, not to a club. He pictured more conversations with Aphelios, walks where he could hold his hand. He pictured being able to hold him and smell him. He pictured kissing him. Thinking about finding out what Aphelios tasted like got a far more potent reaction down south than imagining going home with some stranger had.

Sett removed the condoms out of his cart, and completed his purchase.

Just as he was closing his laptop, puzzling over the significant realization that was washing over him afresh, Alune came down the stairs, from what Sett could only assume was her brother’s room.

“Hey Alune,” he greeted her with intentional casualness that he hoped was convincing. “Hangin’ out with Phel?”

She smiled at him brightly, which Sett could not help but take positively. Surely if she had just spent time with her brother listening to him talk about how creepy and undesirable Sett was, she would not be smiling at the beast-man like she was now.

“Hi Sett! Yeah, just checked on him, he’s not feeling well, though. Don’t worry if he’s in his room all day. Did you and K’Sante have a good time at the gym?”

“Actually no,” Sett laughed. “I ate sh*t real bad on the treadmill, wasn’t payin’ attention. Never touchin’ one of those stupid things again though, that’s for sure. But, uh… Phel isn’t feelin’ good, you said? Is he sick?”

Sett prayed that him asking didn’t seem fishy and that his concern wasn’t coming across with the fretful, pathetic eagerness he felt fizzing in his belly. He could not help but remember what K’Sante had said about his lack of subtlety, and he held his tail down to stop it from wagging.

“Oh no! Did you hurt anything? Is that why you have that band-aid on your knee?” Alune fussed over him for a moment, making sure the little scrape was the extent of the Vastayan’s injuries. “And I think Phel’s just a little under the weather, but he’s not contagious or anything. You guys don’t have to quarantine.”

“Poor guy,” Sett sympathized, again as nonchalantly as possible. Whenever anyone brought up Aphelios, Sett felt something spark inside, he wanted to hear everything they had to say, he wanted to talk for hours about him. It was a struggle to not make that so conspicuous. “He’s been pretty stressed again recently, hasn’t he?”

“You know how hard on himself he gets,” she agreed. “He makes himself sick with it.”

“You think it would help if I checked on him?” Sett’s mouth asked before his brain filter caught up. He cursed himself for being so obvious. “I mean, I can just give him space too, if ya think he’d prefer that…”

Mercifully, Alune replied before Sett could dig himself a deeper hole. “I think he would appreciate it if you checked on him, Sett. In fact, I think he’d really love that.”

Were those fireworks detonating that Sett was hearing? Little angels blasting their trumpets heralding a miracle? He couldn’t keep the eager grin from growing wide on his face.

“I’ll take care of him, don’t you worry Lunie.” All airs of subtlety were thrown to the wind, and Sett was up off the couch and making a game plan before he was even done speaking. He did not notice how the smile on Alune’s face turned into a smirk, or how coincidental it was that she suddenly announced then that she had important errands to run the rest of the afternoon that would keep her occupied and Aphelios might need someone checking on him the rest of the day, if Sett didn’t mind. He was too busy ascending to Cloud Nine, enthusiastically agreeing to keep an eye on the patient in her stead.

…A little easier said than done, Sett realized as he paused outside of Aphelios’ door a few minutes later, arms laden with snacks and drinks.

He just had to act normal, he reminded himself. He had to be a Good Friend, and he was being a Good Friend! Making sure someone was eating well and drinking enough when they weren’t feeling well was being a Good Friend. And he had a reason to knock on the door. Alune had specifically charged him with the duty of taking care of her brother…

Gatherine his courage, Sett wrapped his knuckles softly on Aphelios’ closed door, seized by terror about what he should do if Aphelios didn’t answer, until a few seconds later there was a corresponding knock on the wall–the signal to ‘come in’ when Aphelios’ voice wouldn’t permit him to call it out.

Sett’s heart was pounding as he let himself in, though he did briefly consider leaving the treats at the door and booking it like a coward instead. The room was dark. The curtains drawn tightly over the window, completely shutting out the afternoon sunlight. Giving his weak eyes a moment to adjust, Sett saw a lump of blankets on the bed, Aphelios presumably huddled inside.

“It’s me,” Sett said, keeping his voice down. The room itself was clean, but the desk was a disaster, and the trash bin beside it was overflowing with papers. Even though it didn’t smell bad, the air was stagnant, and heavy. Unaccountably, Sett felt a pang in his heart. Aphelios’ room felt like a place of… sadness.

The mound of blankets stirred, and a mop of messy, teal hair peeked out first. Unhelpfully, Sett felt the desire to get on the bed and under those covers and cuddle Aphelios to him so powerfully that it made his heart ache. He wanted to comfort him, and tell him that whatever was going on, it would be okay. Realizing that this was one of those days where Aphelios probably wouldn’t be able to answer him, Sett kept talking, his tone still soft and gentle.

“Alune said you weren’t feelin’ so hot, so I came to make sure you got somethin’ to eat ‘n that you’re keepin’ your fluids up.” Sett lifted the myriad offerings he’d brought, showing them to Aphelios like proof. “Mind if I come sit with ya?”

As an answer, Aphelios pulled the cocoon of blankets back, making room on the edge of his bed for Sett.

“I brought you some water, ‘cause that’s the most important,” Sett explained, setting down the glass on Aphelios’ bedside table. “But I also brought some juice ‘cause sometimes ya just need a blast of sugar to get your energy up. Dunno what your favourite one is though, so I brought ‘em all.”

Three juice boxes of varying flavours were pulled out of his shorts pocket, along with a fun, curly purple straw.

“And I didn’t know if you’d want somethin’ sweet or if you were hungry for somethin’ proper,” a little bag of cookies was pulled from the other pocket, and deposited on the bed like it was food left for a creature right outside the entrance of its den. “I can go make ya somethin’ no problem, just say the word. Want a sandwich? Some toast…? Oh, I can make real good soup, too. But I also remembered that when I felt sh*tty as a kid, Momma used to peel fruit for me ‘n it always made me feel better, so, uh… here.”

Sett was about to put the plate of orange segments on the bed too, in easy reach, before he thought better of it and went to put it on the table. But Aphelios stopped him, reaching for it and sitting up so he could eat. He was bundled in a hoodie, looking like he felt awful.

Maybe it was awkward for Sett to sit there, watching his bandmate eat orange slices, but he was lost in the moment. There was something about being near Aphelios, much less being allowed into his room and on his bed, allowed to take care of him when he wasn’t well… Sett felt at peace for the first time in days.

“You peeled these?” Aphelios’ voice was a whisper, but for loud enough to be heard easily by Sett’s sensitive ears.

“Yeah,” Sett replied, feeling sudden shame over where he had crushed some of the fruit, little tears in the meat of each segment where Sett had accidentally brutalized the fruit trying to break through its peel and not holding back his strength. Had Aphelios noticed?

“Thank you,” he whispered. Thank you , he signed after. He looked truly moved over the little fruit plate.

“No problem at all, Phel,” Sett beamed, deeply gratified that the gesture had gone over so well. He was definitely being a Good Friend. “You need anything else? I could make ya tea or somethin’ too, if ya wanted somethin’ warm.”

Aphelios shook his head, but thanked Sett anyway. Sett asked if he wanted to be left alone to rest more. Aphelios shook his head again.

“You don’t have to leave,” he told him. Sett tried not to grin.

“Happy to hang out for as long as ya want me here.” He was practically preening. “Want me to open the windows or anything? I can keep the curtains drawn, but some fresh air might do ya good. Or,” he added affectionately, “I can stop fussin’ over you. I’m fussin’, aren’t I?”

Aphelios smiled at him, chewing on the last of the orange slices. “You’re being very thoughtful. And you can open the window. It’s pretty stuffy in here, sorry.”

Sett was about to get up to eagerly obey, but he was transfixed by Aphelios undressing to his t-shirt, taking off the hoodie he’d been wearing. If Sett were to ever wear a sweater under blankets like that he’d probably roast to death in about five minutes, but Aphelios was so slim he probably caught chills easily.

The removal of the sweater gave off a powerful whiff of Aphelios’ fragrance, and again Sett had to spend a moment containing the explosion in his heart. It was too bad he’d already offered to open the window, because now he just wanted to sit here and get his fill. Even after rotting in bed for a day, the warm herbal smell of Aphelios’ skin and hair was like ambrosia the beast-man wanted to get drunk on. All he wanted to do was hold Phel to him and bury his face in the crook of his neck.

Even so, the window was opened, and with Aphelios’ permission, the curtains were drawn back, leaving him blinking and squinting his red eyes as they adjusted. With no small amount of surprise, Sett noticed that his face was slightly swollen, especially his eyes and lips. Like Aphelios may have been crying earlier. Not wanting to pry, Sett did not ask, and tried to brush it off as a possible symptom of whatever was keeping him in bed.

But it heightened the feeling that tormented and enchanted the beast-man in turns: the feeling that there was so much about Aphelios that was unknown, it would take years to know. Maybe much of it was for no one but his twin to get acquainted with. If he had been crying, what was the reason? What comforted him in times of tears? Sett wished he knew.

“Missed ya last Thursday,” Sett said to fill the silence, sitting back down with him and politely accepting the cookie he was being offered. Too late he realized that it might sound like he was trying to make the other feel guilty, but before he could make it weird, Aphelios apologized.

“I got wrapped up in music again,” he explained. “But I think I’ve overdone it. I’m sorry for cancelling. I wish I’d gone out instead.”

Sett was happy to hear that, and even happier that Aphelios was confiding in him again.

“Did the trip to the museum help at all?” Sett could not resist asking. “Or did Ez yap your ear off too much for it to feel like a break?”

To Sett’s immense delight, Aphelios laughed a bit. “It was fun, but he really does talk a lot. Did you know how much he knows about history though? And archaeology.”

He didn’t want it to, but Sett could feel a fissure of jealousy crack open, scorching lava bubbling inside. But he refused to let it show. “Makes sense. Isn’t that what he did in school? I didn’t know you were into that stuff too, though. Maybe you’ll let me tag along one day? Unless I’d be intruding…”

Praying the test wasn’t hopelessly obvious, Sett held his breath.

“That would be fun,” Aphelios said, and Sett’s heart flipped. “Not sure if it would be quite up your alley, though. And you’d have to be fine with hearing him complain about Kayn roughly 60% of the time.”

“Kayn?!” Sett almost did a spit-take, he had not been expecting that at all.

“Yeah,” Aphelios laughed, laying back down and propping his head on his hand, looking totally at ease and like he was already starting to feel better, which meant a lot in itself. “Those two have something weird going on. They’re either going to be like Yone and K’Sante and be the next to tell us they’re dating, or we’re all going to be subpoenaed as witnesses in their assault and battery case.”

Relief washed over Sett. He knew he shouldn’t be so focused on it, or be this selfish if it had been true, but he was so, so relieved to understand K’Sante had been right about that too. Ezreal and Aphelios were just friends, and however bad Kayn might want to get in Phel’s pants, it sounded like he had no chance.

“This is what we get for making a band with no straight people, I guess.” That one got a good laugh out of Aphelios, and soon Sett was laughing hard with him. “Promise me that if those two start goin’ out on top of K’Sante ‘n Yone gettin’ together, that you ‘n I will keep our Thursday nights? It’ll be too f*ckin’ depressing if I gotta sit at home every night while those four are livin’ it up.”

“I promise,” Aphelios said. “But I don’t see any scenario where you’re the one left without plans. You could always call up Sarah again, worst case scenario.”

“Ouch!” Sett chuckled, covering for how unsure he was on how to take that. That unfortunate meeting had already been several months ago now, but clearly Sett’s trysts in less responsible times had made an impression. Sett wished he could explain that he wasn’t like that, not anymore, maybe never again. But…

Immediately Aphelios’ cheeks went pink, and he apologized. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that the way it came out. It was a bad joke.”

“You’re fine, Phel,” Sett said. He was enjoying his company too much to get hung up on it. “But I ain’t got anyone in my past that I have any interest in seein’ again, trust me.”

“I won’t cancel on Thursday again,” Aphelios sought to assure him. “And actually, it doesn’t… it doesn’t have to be so rigid, like just Thursdays. I was actually wondering…”

Sett’s heartbeat leapt.

“I was thinking of starting an aquarium. Our first Heartsteel pets. Would you like to go to the store with me? You could help me pick things.”

“Absolutely,” Sett agreed instantly, not really able to care if he was being too eager now. “We can ask to take the jeep, so that you got enough room for everything ya need. But I think it’s a great idea, somethin’ to take care of and give ya stuff to do outside the music.”

Aphelios smiled. “That’s what I was thinking, too. I get so…”

Sett waited for Aphelios to finish his thought before he realized whatever he was going to say would have to be one of those things that Sett would have to accept not knowing.

“No worries, Phel,” Sett comforted him when he saw how dejected Aphelios was, not being able to articulate his thoughts.

Maybe one day, this would become something Aphelios would feel comfortable sharing, and would find the words to use. But this was still wonderful, and seeing Aphelios cheer up, because of him no less… Sett felt on top of the world. And for Aphelios to be chatting with him and including him in his hobbies? It was all Sett could have wanted.

I missed you a lot , Sett almost blurted out several times as they made plans for the next day to go pick out a tank, Aphelios explaining they’d have to set everything up and let it cycle for a few weeks before they added fish. He knew it would have been weird to say that, but it was true. Now that he knew what it felt like to be close to Aphelios, Sett didn’t think he could handle ever going back to being distant.

🎶

It was looking more and more like the rough patch they’d had was a fluke. Though Aphelios never explained why he’d withdrawn so fiercely beyond that he had been ‘working on music,’ Sett was content to leave it be. They had a wonderful trip to the aquarium store, picking out a large tank, carefully selecting live plants and natural rocks and driftwood. Even though Aphelios had spent over an hour using the mock-up tank in the store to test different configurations, Sett never got bored, and a few of his suggestions were accepted even though he knew jack sh*t about fish and aquatic plants. He grinned every time he looked at the tank, set up and thriving in their living room.

And his ignorance was soon rectified, too. He became the official assistant on all aquarium matters. Aphelios explained how to cycle the tank, how to test the water and which parameters were unsafe for fish, and Sett listened to it all, overjoyed simply to share something with him. Their hangouts were no longer limited to Thursday movies or to fish store trips, either. Something had changed between the two of them.

At first it was little errands or easily shared tasks, things like going to the store together for milk or bread, or Sett going out for food with Aphelios when he was craving something but Alune was busy… Korean BBQ was, by far, Sett’s favourite. But soon, they were hanging out every day, often for no reason at all. Perhaps they’d been unconsciously curtailing themselves before, but now neither of them stood on ceremony. They hung out whenever they wanted to be together.

And that was all the time.

Often, the others would join them, and several more fun band bonding days were planned and went over well, really well. Sett could not help but notice that Aphelios seemed more comfortable than ever, and comfortable with him especially. A charming trickster side to Aphelios was emerging, everyone was surprised to discover he had a wicked sense of humour and diabolical mind for pranks. He also had a surprising talent for imitations, likely part and parcel with being such a canny observer.

All of it–the closeness, the easiness of the closeness, and Aphelios truly coming out of his shell–in many ways it made it easier for Sett to compartmentalize his romantic feelings, despite how they only grew more intense with every passing day. Even though he thought nearly all the time about doing things platonic friends would not do with each other, Sett found it easy to revel simply in Aphelios’ wonderful companionship.

Most importantly, there was tangible proof Aphelios was doing better and feeling happier, too. He’d become much more comfortable sharing his music with Sett and with the others, and a song was beginning to emerge, one he was proud of and had even mentioned might be good enough to be their debut single. There were often days where Sett would hang out on Aphelios’ bed, playing games on his phone while the musician worked, and even though hours passed with little spoken between them, Sett would feel like he’d been given a peek into a trove of the world’s most precious treasures. Sometimes he would just watch Aphelios composing, and the young man had caught him staring more than once, smiling each time.

But Sett was also good about making sure that Aphelios was balancing his music with other things. Both relaxation and fooling around had their place, and even an obsessive like Aphelios could admit that when he took breaks, the work he did when he returned to task was much higher quality, and far less likely to get scrapped.

And so, just as often, Aphelios would hang out in Sett’s room, playing his Swatch with one of the many plushies tucked under his chin, as the beast-man answered professional emails or developed their brand with K’Sante. Half the time, when a member of Heartsteel wanted to reach Aphelios, they would call Sett on Discard, and invariably the Vastayan would put the audio through his speakers and relay Aphelios’ replies in sign language, which he was beginning to pick up well.

It was on one such day, when Sett almost botched it all.

He was shooting the sh*t with Ezreal and Kayn, Aphelios watching over his shoulder from Sett’s bed, when the call turned to playful ribbing, as it often did. Aphelios had been right about those two, that was for sure. It seemed like Kayn’s ardour for Aphelios had been long forgotten, exchanged for… whatever he had going on with Ez instead. Sometimes Sett liked provoking one or the other to get a reaction, but a few times Kayn had taken the teasing too far and the whole house had had to deal with Ezreal being huffy for days. It was still worth the entertainment.

“So, you guys wanna hear this song that’s been stuck in my head for weeks?” Sett grinned, clicking through Ezreal’s artist profile on Peach Music, considering flashbanging him with his own song. Aphelios was giggling on the bed, shamelessly enabling his friend. Ignoring the vocal protests from the other two, Sett insisted, purposefully provoking Ezreal by getting the song name wrong.

“It’s ‘You’re My Museum,’ it’s very clear.” Ez was already hot and bothered, and Kayn wasted no time in joining the pile-on, giving a mocking rendition of Ezreal’s single that had to be intentionally crafted to be as irritating as possible.

“Aww, the little popstar prince is embarrassed?” Kayn seemed to be trying his best to get Ezreal to come beat his ass, what with the condescending babytalk tone and moniker that sounded derogatory. Ezreal was already at risk of becoming genuinely upset, and so Sett tried to reel it back, diverting his attacks to another victim.

“Don’t worry Ez, the song is still mega popular! I’m pretty sure Phel still has a poster of you above his bed–”

He didn’t even get the lie fully out before the attack was launched, a bullseye pillow that knocked Sett’s headset off.

“What was that?” Kayn asked, hearing only some kind of scuffle, and likely not wanting to miss out.

“Phel just threw a pillow at me! Dude, chill!” Sett pretended at indignance, as if this wasn’t all according to plan, as if he wasn’t the one trying to bait Aphelios into giving him more attention. “There’s nothin’ wrong with bein’ a fanboy–”

Sett barely caught Aphelios’ evil grin before another pillow collided with his face, peaking his mic again. “Make him stop!” he pleaded to his bandmates, covering for the fact that he was dearly hoping that Aphelios would launch himself instead of another pillow.

It was fooling no one except perhaps Sett and Aphelios themselves, Kayn was already dming Ezreal, poking fun at ‘those two losers’ for being so cringe. Sett’s pleas fell on deaf ears, the call picking up Ezreal’s mischievous giggles right before he hung up, racing to Kayn’s bedroom to go laugh about their housemates.

“Aphelios, put the plushies down.” Sett was trying so hard to be serious, already forgetting about the call, the sight of Aphelios standing on his bed, his headphone cord wound around Choncc’s fat neck like he was going to execute him by hanging was too delightful. Soon, Sett was laughing with abandon.

“You think you can make fun of me?” Aphelios grinned, ominously tightening Choncc’s noose. “I am a very serious person.”

“That so?” Sett felt dizzy, giddy with boyish glee. “I bet I can take ya down a few pegs. If I make ya laugh, you let Choncc go free!”

Aphelios raised an eyebrow and haughtily tilted his chin, like he was inviting Sett to do his worst. But he could not keep the corner of his mouth from quirking up in a smile.

Impulsively, Sett leapt at Phel, tackling him onto his bed, launching a merciless tickling onslaught, Aphelios squirming under his hands and his body, giggling breathlessly.

“Choncc will live to see another day,” Sett crowed, even as he didn’t let up in his attacks. As Aphelios struggled, his shirt began riding up, exposing the soft, pale skin of his stomach. Sett went for it without thinking, tickling the bare flesh and going higher, getting his fill of this skin on skin contact like this for the first time… so intoxicating.

“Stop, stop…” Aphelios begged, barely coherent for how hard he was laughing. “I’m going to throw up.”

Sett teased him more before he finally relented, pinning Aphelios’ hand by the wrists and his body under his weight instead, making some stupid joke about having to imprison Aphelios for crimes against Chonccs. But the moment after he was on top of him Sett realized it was a mistake–he felt more beast than man with Aphelios’ warmth underneath him, it made him burst with distinctly non-platonic desires. His tail was wagging behind him crazily.

How could one person be this lovely? This fun to be around, this smart and this creative? This effortlessly sexy? Sett was already lowering, staring at Aphelios’ parted, full lips, before his rational brain managed to collect enough cells together to scream at him to stop.

Still a few inches apart, but far too close to be able to play it off as anything but an intended kiss, Sett froze, staring down at Aphelios. Perhaps the most surprising part of it was that Aphelios had not turned away, and though Sett was technically holding him down, there was no tension in Phel’s body, no resistance. His eyes were half-lidded for a second before they snapped wide with realization.

…Should Sett have stopped? His brain was too conflicted, too jammed with the blistering self-indictment that he shouldn’t have let things get this far to begin with. But… Aphelios had looked like he wanted Sett to kiss him…

The moment was over. Aphelios looked away toward the wall, smile faded and his expression clouded with stress and awkwardness instead. Sett got off of him abruptly, making the weirdness even worse, although it was hardly as if he could have kept him trapped.

“Phel, I’m sorry–” Sett began, not knowing what to say, feeling worse to see how quickly Aphelios climbed off the bed, straightening his clothes and avoiding eye contact.

He opened his mouth to speak, but ended up signing instead. It’s fine.

There was another word or two in sign that Sett didn’t catch, but before he could ask clarification, Aphelios was already out of his room, Choncc left tangled in the headphone cord on Sett’s messy bed, Sett just staring at it, dumbfounded.

What would happen now? Would Aphelios start avoiding him again?

f*ck!! Why had he been so stupid?! Even just a brief loss of restraint, letting these stupid f*cking feelings get the best of him… it might wreck everything. It might wreck what felt so perfect to Sett already.

But perhaps worst of all, Sett thought as he huffed facedown into his rumpled blankets, tormented afresh by being able to smell Aphelios in them, was that moment… the moment he could have sworn Aphelios had been about to kiss him back.

🎶

Thankfully, Sett was not left twisting in the wind over the near-kiss for long. The whole band went out for dinner later that night, and Aphelios voluntarily sat beside him, and seemed to be in good spirits. It would have been almost weird how chill things were, except Sett was far too grateful that his lapse in judgement hadn’t proved fatal. While their avoidance of the topic was conspicuous and Sett was hyper-aware of respecting Aphelios’ physical space, for better or worse they mostly pretended it had never happened, and things quickly settled back into routine.

A new part of his routine became Sett calling his Momma nearly every night, updating her on what had or had not happened with Aphelios that day. She was well aware of her son’s lovesickness, and had been told a hilarious amount of detail about the quiet young man. She also, frustratingly, was of much the same mind as K’Sante, telling Sett over and over that he should just do them both a favour and be up front about his feelings.

Sett always had deflections: he would wait till Aphelios had made some music he was satisfied with, he didn’t want to derail him… he didn’t want to steal Yone and K’Sante’s thunder… the timing felt off… he wanted to try talking to Alune first but she was always busy, and so on. The excuses varied in their plausibility, but they were always numerous and always ready.

The truth was, the moment on the bed had planted a seed. Sett could feel it growing beyond his prevention. He could stave it off, he’d become an expert at compartmentalizing and being a Good Friend over the past weeks, but more and more frequently, the yearning felt like it was going to overtake him. He might be able to beat back the vines for another few months, maybe for a year or more, before they ensnared him. But deep down, he knew the time that he was capable of containing a love this fierce and abundant was finite.

It was about a week after the near-kiss incident that Sett, along with the other members of Heartsteel, were summoned via group chat message to Aphelios’ room. The rarity of such an event was marked by how immediately everyone, even Kayn, obeyed and dropped whatever they were doing to go see what was up.

Aphelios looked like he hadn’t slept all night, but it made his joy no less radiant; he looked happier than Sett had ever seen him, the confident pride he exuded was in no way dimmed by the dark circles under his eyes.

“I have a song,” he announced, everyone making sure they quieted their usual chatter down so that he could be heard.

“Dude, that’s awesome!” Ezreal exclaimed. “Is it the one I heard?”

Parts , Aphelios signed, smiling.

“Congratulations Aphelios,” K’Sante clapped him on the back like a proud father, even though they hadn’t heard a note yet. “I know you have been pushing yourself so hard for this.”

“Play the song,” Kayn demanded, but with enthusiasm clear enough no one scolded him for being rude. In fact, Sett couldn’t remember seeing the rapper this unabashedly eager about anything, ever. He felt the same.

Ready? Aphelios checked, going over to his laptop, pausing before he pressed play, taking a moment to appreciate how each of his five band members were looking at him with admiration and excitement.

With a click, Paranoia.mp3 started playing.

“This is a great beat,” Yone said, already bobbing his head in time with the rhythm.

“I want the intro, the intro is mine,” Kayn declared. “Those are my bars.”

“Listen to the rest of the song first, you dick,” Ezreal elbowed him hard. “Maybe Phel planned certain parts for us–”

“Shut the f*ck up, both of you,” Sett growled, looming large behind them, ready to smash their skulls together if they kept talking over Aphelios’ music. Wisely, they listened.

The pre-chorus was great too, capturing a palpable sense of building tension or anticipation, almost like the feeling of racing toward a destination. Its pace reminded Sett of Ezreal’s frenetic energy, he wouldn’t be surprised in the slightest if that ended up being the popstar’s part. The chorus burst through after the build, a cheeky, fun melody that somehow completely evoked ‘guys being dudes, having a good time.’

It was perfect for Heartsteel.

But it was the next part that had Sett’s pupils slitting, and he couldn’t stop the smile that spread across his face. Up front it had swagger, a confident chunky rhythm driven by a distorted guitar. Sett liked that part, a lot. But then the guitar fell away into some kind of music box melody, reminiscent of lulling a baby to sleep, but with a playful, innocent edge.

Sett looked to Aphelios, who was already staring at him with a fond smile, and he knew. Aphelios had written that dual part for him, representing both his bravado and the sensitive, childlike side Sett had trusted him enough to let him see.

And suddenly, standing there, in Aphelios’ room listening to Paranoia for the first time, Sett knew two things.

For as high maintenance and insane as they were, as hard as it had been to adjust the past few months, Sett realized that these five men and Alune were as much his family as Momma was. He’d finally found a place where it was safe to be himself, and was seen for who he wanted to be.

And second, Sett knew Heartsteel was different. He knew they were going to make it. Halfway through the song and he already just… knew .

Aphelios looked like he felt the same way, Sett watched as he looked to each member, seeing how much they liked the song; watching as K’Sante spun Yone in a little dance during the bridge, ending in a dip and a kiss. That part was perfect for them, with depth and emotionality that fit K’Sante well. But it also fit Aphelios. Sett wondered which part the composer identified with the most.

But the slow, reflective part soon built back up into a giddy return to the chorus, now with additional elements that made it feel more complete than the other earlier choruses–maybe symbolic of how things could get better, even if you had to try a couple times.

“That was fire, that was so cool, Phelio!” Ezreal beamed when it was done, launching himself onto Aphelios for a hug that would have rivalled that of an anime schoolgirl.

“You didn’t let us down,” Kayn conceded. “It was worth the wait. Although I do have some thoughts about the instrumentals, and I was serious that the first bars are mine.”

Then, after receiving Sett’s elbow in his ribs, Kayn added graciously, “but, good job.”

“It feels like several songs together, but still cohesive,” K’Sante said with admiration, stroking his beard and thinking.

“I can hear how each member inspired you,” Yone added onto his boyfriend’s musings, clearly on the same wavelength. “But instead of six discordant pieces you managed to meld it into something unified, and it's really catchy. Unique and catchy. I’d be happy to help you with the vocal arrangements and production, but I’m excited to hear the demo.”

“Thank you for giving me time,” Aphelios spoke, everyone quieting again to listen. “Thank you for trusting me, too. I’m really happy I joined Heartsteel. I have other songs too, they can be used for an album, but the debut… it needed to be perfect.”

“It is, Aphelios,” Yone said proudly before crossing the room and sweeping up the musical genius in a familial embrace, which soon clumped into a giant group hug in the middle of Aphelios’ bedroom.

“You gotta let Alune listen too,” Sett said, allowing himself to touch Aphelios, just so he could ruffle his hair.

“She was the first one to hear it, sorry,” Phel admitted, getting jostled in the maelstrom of affection. “She was the one who said it was ready.”

“Can’t wait till the record execs get a load of us,” Ezreal said, fighting to not get squished so hard in the hug by Kayn. “Heartsteel is gonna be huge, guys. I can feel it!”

“Get ready, world!” Kayn chimed in. “Heartsteel is here!”

All of them knew that, after months of working on their band identity and finding their footing, it was time to tear free from the cocoon. They were on the cusp of something big.

🎶

“I’m just gonna go ahead ‘n take all the credit,” Sett grinned, flopping down on his bed and relaxing amidst the pillows and the plushies. It had already been a couple weeks since their awkward moment, but still some small part of Sett was happily relieved when Aphelios climbed on his bed too, sitting with his back against the wall but clearly comfortable being close to Sett, at the scene of the incident no less.

“I have the mind of a master, Phel, I’m tellin’ ya. Those execs didn’t believe me when I told ‘em I could put a musical dream team together. But now they’re seein’ I knew what I was talkin’ about after that demo, and they’re beggin’ us to sign. And it all started with me recruitin’ you. I’m a genius. It all fell into place after that… mastermind, like I said.”

“All the credit?” Aphelios smiled back, taking a Pengu plushie and bouncing it off the top of Sett’s thick skull.

“Yep,” Sett teased back. An already perfect day was going to get even better if he got to see playful, mischievous gremlin Phel on top of it. “It was aaall me. I have great taste, don’t I? A real eye for star power.”

“Oh definitely,” Aphelios agreed with heavy sarcasm. “Supreme leader Sett. Honestly, we shouldn’t even call the band Heartsteel, we should call it ‘Sett and Some Other Guys.’ Think it’s too late to rebrand?”

“Ooh, great idea!” The giggle they shared felt magic. “Come to think of it, I should probably get even more airtime on Paranoia. Think Kayn’ll mind if I delete all the files from his recording session ‘n just replace ‘em all with me?”

“I think all the meat you ate tonight at the barbeque place went to your head.” More giggles when Aphelios punctuated his joke with the poke of his foot in Sett’s side.

“No, don’t do that,” the beast-man squirmed away, shielding his bloated stomach. “Unless you wanna see that meat again. I still feel ‘bout ready to hurl, ate waaay too much.”

“Piggy Vastaya,” Aphelios teased him affectionately, but then, as if remembering how much he too had gorged at their celebratory band dinner, clutched his belly and lay down beside Sett with a groan of effort.

Somehow, side by side but not touching each other, it felt simultaneously so natural and comfortable, and yet electric with repressed tension.

“In all seriousness though,” Sett rolled onto his side, looking at Phel through the gloom of his dark room, lit only by the streetlamps shining through the windows. “Every time I hear Paranoia I still get chills. And the recording sessions went so awesome, I could hear it all comin’ together. And I wasn’t kiddin’ about labels wanting to sign us, K’Sante got two contract proposals already…”

“But,” he continued, his voice low and intimate, “most important… are you happy with it?”

Aphelios nodded, cuddling the blue bunny plushie Sett had given him, stroking the soft fur with his fingers. Their belongings now drifted between their rooms, if Sett couldn’t find an item of clothing, he’d just go look for it in Phel’s bedroom. And Aphelios’ Swatch and a pair of earbuds were pretty much permanently on Sett’s bedside table.

“Seemed like K’Sante’s part got ya in the feels again,” Sett said gently. During rehearsals Aphelios had become emotional hearing K’Sante sing the lyrics he’d written for the bridge, but today, when they’d heard it in the studio with the full backing track, all of it coming together… Aphelios had cried. The display of emotion hadn’t embarrassed him though, and he had accepted a huge bear hug from the singer gratefully.

“I didn’t know how to feel,” Aphelios began explaining after a pause. “Initially, it made it so much harder, to write music I couldn’t sing. Trying to find a way to express everyone else’s voice but my own. But K’Sante offering to sing the lyrics I wrote… and that part of the song is a piece I took from something else I scrapped, because it was too personal. It wouldn’t have fit Heartsteel, but it fits me. But hearing it all together today, it felt like my voice, with K’Sante’s.”

They were so close together, looking at each other, partly so Aphelios could keep his voice soft. But that wasn’t the entire reason.

For a moment, Sett was so overwhelmed with the urge to embrace Aphelios that he felt nearly blinded with it. He was so proud of him, so happy for him.

“I’m so glad to be here,” Aphelios continued, voice so quiet, his accent so endearing. Sett felt sick with affection. “I didn’t know it would be so hard at times, but even now, I can say it’s worth it. We haven’t even filmed the music video yet, but it’s already still worth it. Thank you for inviting me to be in Heartsteel, Sett.”

If Aphelios kept talking so sweetly and so candidly, Sett would be in serious danger of crying soon himself.

“No regrets?” he asked, grinning wide enough his sharp teeth showed. He noticed how Aphelios’ eyes flickered down to his fangs, even just for a moment.

“None,” Aphelios promised, looking back into those kind, turquoise eyes.

“Not even with how much Yone nags us?”

“No. We deserve it,” Phel laughed.

“Not even with how much cologne K’Sante sprays?”

“I just wear my facemasks.”

“What about with Ezreal’s singing in the shower? Every. Single. Morning.”

Aphelios snorted more laughter, giggling conspiratorially with his friend. It really was a daily occurrence, with no small degree of infamy in their shared household.

“Nope. He’s actually pretty good. But I wear earplugs to bed anyway. Had to start the day I moved in here, everyone is always so loud.”

“Fair enough,” Sett chuckled, enjoying this little game. “You don’t even regret being in a band with some guy who just confessed he has an ‘alter ego’ named Rhaast?”

“No,” Aphelios replied again, unphased. “If anything it was nice to find out who it is eating all my pudding cups at 3:00 a.m. I had been blaming Ezreal but I guess Rhaast’s demonic appetites are satisfied by banana cream as much as human souls.”

They both laughed at that, too. That had been weird, and the house was still not really sure what to do about ‘Rhaast,’ but likely they’d all take it in stride as another one of their personal quirks.

Silence descended. Sett wondered if he should take the game to its obvious conclusion.

“What about you? What are your foibles,” Aphelios asked him, forcing his hand.

A hundred unhelpful thoughts crammed Sett’s brain. Don’t you regret joining a band where the co-leader is so into you, it’s embarrassing? Didn’t you regret joining Heartsteel when I tried to kiss you? Didn’t I make you actually regret it, when you overheard me being such a dick ‘cause I got my stupid ego bruised? None of it felt like light-hearted joking.

“Hmm.. I bet you regret joining a band with some guy who leaves fur everywhere. And you have to watch you don’t sit on his tail. And, he has weird freaky teeth.”

What the f*ck was he even spouting… Sett wanted to facepalm. He felt so stupid.

Aphelios furrowed his eyebrows, suddenly thoughtful even in the face of what felt like nonsense. “No, none of that bothers me. I like your tail, and your ears for that matter. And there’s nothing wrong with your teeth, I like those too.”

He had just said the first thing that had come to mind, but Sett was taken off guard by how earnestly Aphelios was complimenting his animal features. He hadn’t felt self-conscious about them in a long time, but there had been many years he could remember all too well where people had not been kind about his mixed heritage. There was something healing in hearing Aphelios say he liked those traits, so matter of factly.

“You don’t think my teeth are scary?” Sett teased, opening his mouth wide, pulling at the corners of his lips with his fingers to make a face.

“No,” Aphelios grinned back at the silliness, the mood lightening again. “But I’ve always wondered how sharp they are.”

Several many unhelpful thoughts flooded Sett’s brain. While his executive function was occupied, he heard his mouth blurt: “I could bite you ‘n you could find out.”

Sett’s racing thoughts were replaced with one long string of internally screamed profanity. Should he just jump out the nearest window now? How would he ever live this down–

All Aphelios did was bare his neck and say, “sure.”

Sett could practically hear the error sound of every logical process crashing in his brain. Was Aphelios joking? sh*t-testing him? Was there a hidden camera somewhere? Was this a prank? Was this a dream? Was this real life?

But something in him snapped, and seeing the exposed stretch of pale skin offered up like that, Sett bent forward, and bit.

It wasn’t hard, maybe just enough to draw a pinprick of blood, but the action was irrevocable. Aphelios’ smell and taste inundated the Vastayan’s acute senses: the smell of his shampoo was thick in Sett’s nose, and underneath that, the fragrance of the incense he burned in his room. The taste of warm skin was keen on his tongue. And in his ears, the clipped, soft sound of Aphelios inhaling sharply…

Sett got so hard so fast it was a wonder he didn’t rip through his pants.

What the f*ck were they doing?

His own thrumming pulse was so loud all Sett could hear as he pulled away was the rush of his own blood. He needed to say something… do anything … he needed to hide the insane f*cking boner he had that felt so pronounced it had to be visible from space, let alone by the guy sitting a foot away from him on his bed.

SAY ANYTHING , he screamed at himself mentally, making eye contact with Aphelios and feeling his cheeks go hot. Anything to make having just bit him less weird–

Out of nowhere, Aphelios reached for Sett’s lapels, gripping them and pulling him close, kissing him.

So many endorphins rushed through Sett’s body it was a wonder his brain stem didn’t explode on the spot. Rational thought evaporated, the heady muddle of instinct and desire taking over in its stead. Sett’s hands were all over Aphelios in an instant, pulling him closer, all hope of disguising his arousal gone as he felt Phel’s thigh press against him.

Other people might have been able to claim that their first kiss was a chaste affair, a sweet peck under the moonlight on a romantic date. But Sett’s first kiss with Aphelios was like a blissful devouring, trying to fit months of pent-up, ravenous ardour through the small, incredible focal point of their lips and tongues.

One coherent thought managed to stitch itself together in the beast-man’s buzzing head.

Holy sh*t, Aphelios kissed me. I’m kissing Aphelios. Holy sh*t.

Holy sh*t indeed; Aphelios’ taste, the taste of his mouth was indelible, he could run his hands through silky hair, he could hear the small sounds of pleasure Phel was making even in spite of his damaged vocal chords. The first sigh of ecstasy Sett drew from Aphelios’ body earned a wet spurt in Sett’s pants, enough that the stain from his leaking tip soaked through.

And Phel’s hands on him –after all this time of subsisting on casual bro hugs, accidental hand brushes, an arm slung around a shoulder and little else, the feeling of Aphelios’ hands on his back, pulling him closer, his fists clinging to his shirt… Sett had a moment of seriously doubting this was really happening, sure he’d accidentally fallen asleep after pigging out on KBBQ and was having some mortifying wet dream.

But this felt a little too real, he was getting breathless and dizzy in a real way. Kissing Aphelios was probably the most incredible thing in the universe, ever. It was an unaccountable cruelty they had to pull away, to catch their breath. They were still so close, their panting heated each other’s faces fever hot.

They stayed like that for a few moments, neither able to figure out what to say, but still holding each other like it would kill them to let go. Sett realized he could feel evidence of how turned on Aphelios was pressing against his leg, and for a moment he really did think he would die on the spot.

Aphelios had kissed him… and had clearly wanted it as bad as Sett… had he been pining this whole time, too? It might be pretty sexy to be bitten by Sett, but he couldn’t imagine a mere neck bite precipitating a tsunami of desire like that. The only thing that made sense was Aphelios had wanted this as bad he had wanted it. For a long time, too.

“Do you wanna be my boyfriend?” Sett blurted out, his mouth once again racing ahead of any restrained plan he could formulate. “Please?”

Sett could have just as easily asked want to drive down to Las Vegas right now and get married? because Sett was a pathetic loser in love and always blabbing nonsense, but evidently Aphelios liked that about him because he nodded.

“Yes, I want to be your boyfriend. I thought you’d never ask,” he whispered, barely getting the words out before Sett’s embrace became crushing and what was left of his air was forced out of his lungs in a cute little grunt. Sett felt Phel’s hands on his face, pulling him in for more kisses.

With absolute surety, he realized he had never, ever been happier.

Chapter 3: "I've Never Felt So Good" Mura Masa

Chapter Text

My twitter (please say hi!!): aphelionaphelia

Megi's twitter (for more art!!): lordmegi

Here's the Homesick Soundtrack that will build as the story progresses: spotify

Chapter Three (Aphelios)

I've Never Felt So Good - Mura Masa

It could have made him crazy if he’d let it, thinking about all the little pieces that had to align perfectly… the randomness of some of it, the unlikelihood of other aspects. And above all, how hard he himself had tried to fight against it at certain points. Aphelios could have tormented himself with it, easily.

But he was too happy. He was too happy this was his life now to be tempted, to want to pull it all apart and reassemble it, like an horologist sitting alone with a clock they wanted to understand. More often than not, the moment was so good he was content to lose himself in it, to just live it fully.

His pride over Paranoia only grew as the song developed, influenced by each member of Heartsteel; a reflection of how they had impacted him and how carefully he had observed and gotten to know each of them as well. Paranoia had broken down the last of the hesitancy between the six of them, helping each of them realize that, not only could they trust each other on this collective second chance, but that Heartsteel offered them a way to be greater together than they could have been alone. Even Kayn agreed.

Planning the music video had been a blast, with each of those idiots suggesting ludicrous things like outer space or car racing, getting carried away until they’d all quieted down just so Aphelios could type let’s do it all to raucous approval. And it had been so exciting to make the costumes, with huge Vastayan hands all over him taking measurements…

Heartsteel was hanging out together almost all the time now, because they enjoyed each other’s company. Band bonding nights no longer needed to be forced, and Aphelios could have never seen that coming, given how rocky their start had been. But, for someone as naturally contemplative as he was, he found this happiness immersive, freeing. And even though things were often carefree and boisterous, there was still the ubiquitous sense there was something truly special about these days, and these memories.

And Sett…

Where could Aphelios even begin when it came to the Vastayan? Saying he had never felt this way would be paltry, even though it was the truth. He had never felt this way before, but in the way that sand dunes drink up the first raindrops that have ever fallen on them. The way a seedling must feel, the morning it pierces through dark soil and finally meets the sun. Being together with Sett was like hearing a harmony for the first time after discordance, and just knowing those two chords were right together.

Getting your first boyfriend, at age twenty-five no less, should have felt like a huge deal, and in many ways, it obviously was. They still hadn’t officially told the others, Aphelios asking to wait until after Paranoia was released, but the two had still spent the last couple weeks acting like boyfriends behind closed doors. And after all the heartache, all the tears shared with Alune, agonizing over what he should do… he almost had to laugh that it was so simple.

Everything just felt right. And… easy?

That was impressive, and surprising. Aphelios loved to overcomplicate things. He was great at it. He loved to retreat, overanalyzing every nuance until he felt paralyzed with complexity and the only answer powerful enough was obsession.

But Sett made everything easy.

So worried about compromising their friendship before, it felt like Aphelios still got to hang out with his best friend, every day. If anything, the fact that they now had nothing to dance around or repress made things feel even more organic, more comfortable. Aphelios loved how he felt when alone with Sett, talking about anything and everything. He loved the way he felt when Sett touched him.

Their moments of closeness sparked a precious warmth in Aphelios’ body, independent even from sexual feelings, precipitating a thaw when he hadn’t known there’d been a freeze. But his body being flooded with physical affection and kindness–cuddles, his hair stroked, his hand held–amplified how long he’d gone without it, and it was only this flood that was enough to let him drink his fill.

Honestly, Sett felt like healthy, joyful sunshine personified. He coaxed Aphelios out of his shell, bringing out the best in him, making him feel at ease even during new experiences which could be so overwhelming.

One such new experience was now, where Aphelios was waking up in a bed that was not his for the first time.

A large hand with thick fingers was threading through his hair with gentleness, and that was what woke Aphelios.

“Mornin’ sleepyhead,” Sett purred, holding Phel in his arms, both of them still in their Paranoia costumes; they must have been so exhausted after filming the music video yesterday that they’d fallen asleep by accident, when usually Aphelios would sneak back to his own room to go to bed. Aphelios jolted, seeing the morning sunlight streaming through Sett’s windows, panic sparking momentarily.

“Don’t worry, no one else is up yet,” Sett reassured him, snuggling him tighter, likely to prevent Aphelios from escaping to his room to maintain the front of plausible deniability. “No one would even care anyway, we could just tell ‘em that you fell asleep watchin’ the footage from yesterday with me. That ain’t even really a lie!”

Easily persuaded, Aphelios relaxed, letting himself enjoy this first, and the feeling of Sett’s arms around him. He’d slept well too, come to think of it. Maybe it was just being wiped out from a long, busy, exciting day, but he had gotten excellent rest.

“It turned out so well,” Aphelios murmured happily, referring to the footage they’d taken a cursory look through the night before. Aphelios would still need a lot of time to edit it and put it together, but they’d already been able to tell they’d captured some gold.

“Yesterday was fun as f*ck,” Sett agreed, before pretending to get serious. “You better not use the footage of that robot deckin’ me though, that was brutal...”

Grinning, Aphelios placed a kiss on Sett’s chin that was still tender, even though he’d helped ice it the day before. “Sorry, but it’s definitely going in. It goes too well with the music box part in the song… it’s like ‘sleepy time for the catboy.’ Plus, it’s funny.”

Sett pretended to be offended, hamming up the puppy dog eyes. “You thought it was funny seein’ your boyfriend get clocked? You’re so cruel…”

“It was only funny once I knew you were okay,” Aphelios qualified. “But yeah, especially since you were showboating and I specifically told you that was a really bad idea and you should not do that and you would probably get your bell rung if you did, it was extremely funny.”

“And you’d know all about ringin’ bells, huh? You’re officially my Ring Babe now, you know that right?”

“Yes, and I’m an expert since we had to do about seventy takes–”

“You little–” Sett smushed his boyfriend even harder, burying his face in his neck and trying to land playful bites, but they were both smiling too hard as Aphelios pushed him away. “You were the one who ruined a few of ‘em by ringin’ the bell early!”

“Because that was funny too,” Aphelios laughed, batting away Sett’s grabbing hands and nipping teeth. “Consider it revenge for falling asleep on me and making my leg go numb. That hurt!”

“I did that after! You can’t get pre-revenge!” Sett protested. “And you got double revenge by writin’ sh*t all over my face. Did you know Alune had to use a whole bottle of makeup remover to get it off?”

“You poor little baby,” Aphelios crooned, pulling at Sett’s cheeks and knowing the beast-man was soaking up the attention with glee. “I’ll never prank you again, I promise.”

“You’re lying,” Sett teased back.

“Yes, I am,” Aphelios swung his leg over Sett’s waist. He had fully intended to climb over him and make an attempt to return to his room undetected, but Sett held him there by his hips, Aphelios straddling him and instantly making it rather difficult to summon the willpower to leave just yet.

“Don’t leave yet, mooncake,” Sett whispered, seemingly reading Phel’s mind. Even with his swollen chin, faint stains of permanent marker still on his cheeks, and the band-aid on his nose half-peeling, Aphelios still felt enamoured by the sight of the Vastayan underneath him.

“One kiss,” Sett bargained, trying his luck once he saw the fondness so blatant on Aphelios’ face. “Just one lil’ kiss, please? Then you can go.”

It was not just one little kiss.

It wasn’t fair that Sett should be such a good kisser too, and know it. His hands snuck up Aphelios’ shirt, his palms warm on his waist, guiding the grinding motion Aphelios’ hips soon naturally found. He could feel Sett grow hard beneath him, and physical yearning began to build.

They were lucky: the biggest of their problems now was an endearing shyness. It felt different, given they were each other’s first boyfriend. And so they’d spent the past couple weeks just making out, like they were teenagers again, hands only traveling underneath shirts so far. But every time they kissed like this, it was clear how much they both wanted more.

Would Sett like it if Aphelios reached down and touched him? Should he ask first? Maybe now wasn’t the best time anyway, when the others might begin waking up and being noisy. If anything, he’d been surprised at how virginal the Vastayan acted, given all the rumours Aphelios had heard, enough that he’d decided not to press it and just take his cues from the beast-man. But when Aphelios could feel how big Sett was, even through his pants, it made it hard to be reasonable.

Five more minutes, Aphelios promised himself. He would leave in five minutes, and they could revisit the potential of taking things further another time.

“I should go,” Aphelios whispered into Sett’s ear, his voice hoarse, his lips swollen and his hands up Sett’s shirt and full of his ample chest. It had been ten minutes since Aphelios had promised himself five, easily.

“Not yet sweetheart,” Sett begged, kissing Aphelios’ neck and revelling in the soft sounds that came from his throat, his ears swivelling. “You have no idea what you do to me Phel, you’re so f*ckin’ sexy–”

The door of Sett’s bedroom flung open without warning, Ezreal, at least, very much awake and apparently not in the mood for knocking.

“Sett, bro, have you seen my sunglasses? I think you had ‘em–WHOA, ARE YOU GUYS KISSING!?”

“WHAT THE f*ck EZ!” Sett shouted back, Aphelios still very much on top of him, frozen like a deer in the headlights, Ezreal apparently equally rooted in place. “Get the f*ck outta my room! And f*ckin’ knock first, dude! What the f*ck!”

Why did it have to be the member with the biggest mouth? Ezreal had literally shouted so loud there was no way everyone didn’t know now… why hadn’t Aphelios just left early… why did they have to be found out this way…

Coming to his senses, Ezreal panicked, yelled ‘SORRY!’ just as loud, and in a blink of light, was gone. By the sounds of it, he had phase-shifted downstairs, which, arguably, made it feel even more awkward. He hadn’t even closed the door.

In the dead silence that followed, Aphelios and Sett both listened to the conversation unfolding downstairs, where the rest of Heartsteel had been very awake too, contrary to Sett’s confident assertions. They’d probably been drinking their morning coffees, breakfast finished ages ago, astonished to find Ezreal suddenly in the middle of them.

“Oh, sh*t–hey Yone! And K’Sante! And you!” The last remark was obviously directed at Kayn, Ezreal’s loud yappy voice still carrying through the whole house. “Haha, don’t mind me, just testing out my gauntlet for noooo reason at all, but, uh–don’t go upstairs for a few minutes, maybe…”

“You dumbass, we already heard you screeching about Moon Boy and Meathead.” Kayn piped up. “The whole block heard. Way to go.”

“Dude, shut up!” Ezreal whined, apparently still oblivious that everything was being easily overheard. Listening to the mortifying conversation downstairs was not unlike watching a slow-motion car crash. “I was just—really surprised! I had no idea. Wow.”

“That makes you the only one,” Kayn jabbed again, snickering with no small degree of smugness.

Aphelios heard that, and after shooting Sett a venomous look, he quickly climbed off and shut the door, a little too loudly. Luckily, the burgeoning fight between Ezreal and Kayn downstairs meant that no one’s attention was on the first spat between new lovers upstairs.

You told them? Aphelios asked, his signs sharp and tense. It wasn’t a huge deal that Heartsteel knew now, as embarrassing as it was to be walked in on. But this had been something he’d asked Sett to keep private for now, and his boyfriend had agreed. However, clearly everyone but Ezreal had somehow already known. Had the promise just been empty words?

“No, I swear I didn’t,” Sett explained, hurriedly. “I only told K’Sante! Who I guess… told Yone. But he’s my best bro, and he was givin’ me moral support ‘n all…”

Then who told Kayn? Aphelios demanded. It was almost ironic, that Sett should have become fluent enough in sign language that they could now argue with it.

Sett opened his mouth to deny, but before the words came out, recognition dawned on his face and he blushed furiously.

“Well, okay, I’m sorry. ‘Cause I think that was me too. But I’m sorry Phel, I really am!”

Aphelios crossed his arms, waiting for an explanation. Could Sett really not be trusted to keep his mouth shut? The idea that his boyfriend might be a careless blabbermouth wasn’t heartening.

“That was an accident though, I swear to ya Phel. ‘Member when you left those marks on my neck? f*ckin’ Kayn saw ‘em when I was changin’ one day ‘n he was like ‘did Moon Boy give those to you?’” Sett’s imitation of Kayn’s mocking smugness was pretty decent, even while angry Aphelios almost cracked a smile at how good it was.

“So I thought he’d somehow figured it out, like, who knows what the f*ck that guy is gettin’ up to especially with all this Rhaast stuff, so I begged him not to say anythin’ to anybody, but then he looked at me all weird…”

Aphelios sighed and rolled his eyes, comprehending. He was just teasing you with bullsh*t. He didn’t know.

“Well, yeah, guess not,” Sett said, scratching his stubble nervously. “But at least it looks like he didn’t actually tell anyone else, which is kinda nice of him I guess… especially since I once gave him a real hard time about datin’ band members—anyway, nevermind. Phel, I promise… I would never ever break your trust like that. I’m sorry.”

Internally debating, Aphelios felt his annoyance melt even before he reached a rational conclusion. It was foolish to think they could conceal it for long, living together and them not being as careful as they should have been. And he wasn’t upset about Sett confiding in K’Sante. After all, he’d told Alune as soon as he humanly could. He knew he trusted Sett, and he felt safe with him. And he knew that the Vastayan was loyal and considerate. This had just been a misunderstanding.

They would have figured it out soon anyway, Aphelios signed, sighing and walking back over to where Sett looked like a sad, stray puppy, sitting dejected on his bed. You kept staring at me in all the music video footage, not very subtle…

Last night they’d laughed, Aphelios feeling his cheeks go pink, seeing how Sett looked at him. Numerous shots had been ruined by Sett gooning over Aphelios, watching him in the water tank, watching him when he was supposed to be playing with Ernest, watching him during the mugshots… Sett hadn’t been able to take his eyes off his new boyfriend. Aphelios had never felt so… cherished. Although, he had gotten a lot of mileage out of teasing Sett for catching K’Sante out of the air and not him, and likely wouldn’t let that one go any time soon.

“Aw Phel, cut me a break will ya?” Sett reached out to apologetically hug his boyfriend, who had willingly walked over to him. “Ya can’t expect me not to fawn. You’re like, the most beautiful thing I ever seen.”

“Say it again and I’ll forgive you,” Aphelios murmured affectionately, stroking furry red ears back to perkiness after they’d sagged in shame.

“You’re so beautiful, Phel. You’re so cool. I’m the luckiest man in the world.”

The lovely, fond smile Aphelios was wearing made it clear all was forgiven, a hundred times over.

Pushing his luck, Sett pleaded for just one teeny tiny little kiss, just to make sure the fight was over.

“I know it’s sooner than we planned, but I’m real excited for people to know you’re my boyfriend,” Sett said after receiving the kiss he’d asked for, holding Phel’s torso tightly and purring against him, happy as a clam again.

Aphelios felt the vibration against his skin, even through his clothes, intensifying as he pet his red hair.

“Me too,” he said softly, realizing how much he was looking forward to not having to hide any more, relieved that no one in Heartsteel except for Ezreal had been dramatic about the revelation.

Maybe this was a lesson he’d needed to learn, that when you had friends you loved, there was no need for secrecy about the things that were important to you.

🎶

“Everyone should ensure they use the next week as a chance to rest. Things are going to become extremely busy,” Yone advised each member, their official copy of Heartsteel’s first record deal sitting on the coffee table in front of them. Instead of champagne, they’d cheersed with jagerbombs, and even Yone had chugged his like a good sport. Kayn was asking via gestures who wanted a second round while they talked future plans.

“Yone and I will be going on a vacation,” K’Sante announced, “and no, none of you hooligans are invited.”

“Ooooh, romantic.” Kayn’s derisive mocking was mostly ignored, but as Aphelios sat on the sofa with Sett’s arm around him and K’Sante and Yone explained their plans for a couple’s getaway, he wondered if his bandmate might not be suffering from a little jealousy. The bickering between Ezreal and Kayn had gotten worse, in spite of (or due to?) them hanging out more together by themselves.

“Where are you guys even going? Lawn bowling capital of the world?” Ezreal joked, though he too seemed envious, just in a different way.

“There’s a seaside resort a few hours from here, hosting a yoga and meditation retreat,” Yone explained, and Aphelios could feel the glance exchanged between K’Sante and Sett. It might not have been lawn bowling, but it came awfully close.

“I may not be doing a whole lot of yoga,” K’Sante confessed, smiling sheepishly. “But I am looking forward to good seafood, and the massage therapy I have booked.”

“Aw, now I wanna go too,” Ezreal complained, probably just seeing the writing on the wall that he’d be left with Kayn again if he didn’t escape. “I like seafood…”

“No kids allowed, Ez,” Sett teased, rubbing salt in the wound. The popstar pouted, puffing out his cheeks like a cranky hamster hoarding food.

“No offense, but if we get the week off, I’m ditching this place,” Kayn drawled, right before he tipped his second shot of jagermeister into more red bull. Two seemed ill-advised… but if Kayn went for a third Jagerbomb, someone might have to step in.

“Where would a loser like you even go?” Ezreal affected smugness long enough to take his own jabs. Yeah… if this carried on with even more alcohol and energy drinks involved, it would get out of hand, fast.

“Back home, to see Zed and Akali, loser.”

It was almost like a cartoon, with the sound of air being let out of a balloon, that’s how hard Ezreal deflated. Aphelios stopped himself from laughing. The conversations between Ezreal and Kayn so often amounted to permutations of ‘I am rubber, you are glue,’ and seeing them take it seriously was immaculate, unintentional comedy.

“You guys are gonna do some couple stuff too, I guess?” Ez asked, turning towards Aphelios and Sett.

“Well,” Sett attempted sensitivity, also not knowing how Aphelios would want to use their time off. “Probably? Dunno yet. Ma’s comin’ back from her mediterranean cruise with her gardenin’ pals soon so I gotta stick around to pick her up, but that was about all I had on the books…”

They’d been going on dates regularly, but the dates themselves had been pretty regular, too. Aphelios and Sett had only been together just under a month, if they had the option to do something really special it would be nice…

…But Ezreal looked so glum. Aphelios felt bad now, planning anything that would leave just one person excluded.

“Wait!” Ezreal exclaimed, perking up instantly, “the new map for FortressNight drops this weekend! Oh, BABY! I’m just gonna spend this week wrecking noobs and ordering DoorDishes, and not one of you can stop me!”

“Hang on, I wanted to play the new map too…” Kayn seemed to be having second thoughts about his smugness, looking suddenly conflicted. Yone and K’Sante were just chuckling softly and shaking their heads, like parents realizing afresh how dumb their children were.

In any case, while everyone was excited for the week off in their own ways, Aphelios could not help but feel that one of the best things about the vacation would be the end of it. They would finally begin promoting Paranoia, with the music video scheduled for release before the month was over. And after that, Heartsteel would begin performing, with a possible tour in the works. There had been a time where Aphelios could only have dreamt this was his life.

Later, upstairs and getting ready for bed together, he and Sett were free to discuss how they could use their relaxation time, without having to worry about commentary or meddling from Frick and Frack.

“Would you be okay if we still hung around here? Or did ya have your heart set on goin’ somewhere?” Sett asked around a mouthful of foamy toothpaste, watching Aphelios do his elaborate skincare routine, his hair up in a cute headband with bunny ears.

“I don’t mind at all,” Aphelios said sincerely. They would have plenty of travels together if they went on tour, and figuring out a place to travel to last minute didn’t seem especially relaxing.

“‘Cause we’d only have four days before I gotta come back to pick up Momma from the port, ‘n that’s if we left for somewhere tomorrow. I was thinkin’ we could do somethin’ local instead, but special?”

“Okay,” Aphelios patted in his serums in meticulous order. “I like that too. Did you have something in mind?”

Sett pondered for a bit, finishing brushing his teeth and spitting into the sink, before he got a look like he’d come up with a brilliant idea.

“What if we have like a date duel, Phel?”

A date duel? Was this something people did? Aphelios had never heard of such a thing.

“We both plan dates, ‘n keep it a surprise from the other one.”

“And someone wins?” Aphelios checked skeptically, unsure of who would be the judge and how something like that could even be scored. And, in all likelihood, there was no way he could beat Sett’s talent for showiness.

“We both win ‘cause we get two awesome dates,” Sett grinned, pleased. Once their open secret had been revealed, they’d spent more nights sleeping in the same bed than not, and it was now routine for Aphelios to head to Sett’s bedroom. “It doesn’t even have to be anything crazy, but I think it would be fun for us each to plan a day, ‘n the other one goes along with it. I mean, unless ya got any hard No’s for stuff you wouldn’t wanna do?”

They climbed under Sett’s covers. One thing Aphelios was not quite used to yet was the sheer power of seeing Sett undress to his underwear to go to bed. Apparently, even that much was a favour for him; Sett had admitted he usually slept with nothing on. Both of them were equally baffled by each other’s preferences—Aphelios liked wearing pajama pants and long sleeve tops to bed while Sett was convinced that was an excellent way to sweat to death.

“I don’t think there’s anything you would plan that I would hate,” Aphelios reassured him. “And I don’t mind the idea of being surprised as long as I can plan to be surprised.”

As Sett laughed and began talking big, Aphelios half-wanted to get back out of bed and start researching options now, because he now understood that it was highly likely his boyfriend was going to pull out all the stops. It made him anxious.

And also, special dates probably meant sex, right? Together almost a month, knowing each other for half a year, it was natural to assume things would move in that direction soon, especially since they’d finally gotten to third base recently. But Sett still seemed so bashful about it all…

“I feel like this is gonna help me get to know ya better,” Sett said, finding Aphelios’ hand amidst the blankets, holding it.

“You know me well already,” Aphelios smiled, unsure what Sett could even mean.

“Yeah, in some ways,” Sett agreed, kissing his forehead, then the deep scar that bisected Aphelios’ eyebrow that he still didn’t know how he’d gotten. “I know how your music brain works, I know what ya like to eat and some of the things that make ya happy. But I’m real excited to see what ya plan, what you wanna show me. You’re still a pretty mysterious guy, Phel.”

“Oh yes, I’m full of secrets,” Aphelios teased back, settling into Sett’s arms, not entirely sure what Sett had meant with that, either.

Deep down, something twinged. It was like a fissure, a crack in the bedrock of ice underneath which Aphelios had buried… a great many things. Those cold, subterranean corridors of his soul yearned to be seen.

And perhaps not strictly in the sense of being witnessed, the way feeling seen eased loneliness. There were a great many things nestled deeply within crypts Aphelios had long ago locked tightly, things that whispered threats that they would come to light one day, would be seen… because he would never outrun them.

He was full of secrets, he had teased, but Sett didn’t even know the half of it. And if Aphelios had his way, he never, ever would.

🎶

“Okay, you can open your eyes now. We’re here,” Sett said, pride radiating through his voice. “You didn’t do any peekin’, right?”

“No,” Aphelios said truthfully. He’d kept his eyes closed for the last ten minutes of the drive like the beast-man had begged him to. Whatever was in store, Sett truly wanted Aphelios to be surprised for it. Sett’s date day was first in their ‘duel,’ and the Vastayan had actually done an excellent job of not letting any hints slip.

Aphelios opened his eyes, everything a little too bright and looking washed in toneless blue for a few moments as his sight adjusted. They were in a part of downtown he’d never been before, in the large parking lot of…

“The aquarium,” Aphelios said, smiling behind his face mask, though he knew Sett could hear it in his voice.

“Great idea, right?” Sett was so pleased with himself, it was adorable. “Been wantin’ to take ya here ever since we set up our little fish tank back home, ‘n this was the perfect chance. Ya never been here, right?”

Aphelios shook his head no, following Sett and getting out of the car, happily putting his hand in the one Sett held out for him. It didn’t really make sense, they’d gone to movies and out to plenty of restaurants as boyfriends, they were definitely taking advantage of their pre-debut anonymity and no paparazzi tails yet. But this being their first deliberate, very romantic date… it felt different. Aphelios had butterflies in his stomach, and one look at Sett made him sure he felt the same giddy nervousness.

Excellent idea, Aphelios signed, his eyes shining and crinkling at the edges with how widely he was beaming. Sett had to be the best boyfriend in the world, Aphelios was sure of it.

🎶

“You havin’ a good time, doll?” Sett checked, the light from the candle on their dinner table making his eyes sparkle.

Aphelios nodded, meaning it, absentmindedly tracing his fingertips over the back of Sett’s hand. But he was also a little tired, and a little overwhelmed.

That wasn’t to say the date was going poorly. The aquarium had been incredible, one tank large enough to house sharks, while others were huge, vertical cylinders that let seaweed undulate and schools of fish flicker and move like one organism. The prettiest tank had been one with massive, tropical fish, two of which had put on a show of dancing around each other, to the vocal delight of nearby children on outings with their parents.

But Aphelios’ favourite had been the jellyfish exhibit, the slow-moving, serene creatures backlit with multicoloured lights. That part of the aquarium was much quieter too, the overhead lights kept low. They’d stood in front of that tank for a while, Phel’s head on Sett’s shoulder, just watching the jellyfish and wondering if it was even possible for life to get better.

Aphelios had thought the aquarium was the entire surprise though, one Sett had knocked out of the park. But they left around 3:00 p.m., and instead of heading back home like he’d expected, Sett had driven them to another street Aphelios had never visited before; both sides of the road were filled with luxurious storefronts, designer ateliers that Aphelios recognized as being more expensive than anywhere he’d ever shopped before.

Sett had a lot of money, Aphelios was vaguely aware of that… much of the initial funding for Heartsteel and the deposit on their rental house had been paid in full by the Vastayan, and Sett had let on that even after that, he wasn’t hurting financially. Aphelios often had to get clever in the ways he managed to pay for himself, especially at restaurants. Sett liked to sneak off under the purported purpose of using the restroom, only for Aphelios to discover he’d picked up the whole tab without permission. He knew that being able to spend money on the people he cared about was something that made the Vastayan genuinely happy, but the knowledge had done little to temper the dread Aphelios felt accumulating in the pit of his stomach as they visited the first few stores, Sett telling him to pick out an outfit… his treat.

“You look great, but you’re gonna wanna wear somethin’ real fancy to the restaurant I’ve got reservations at later,” Sett explained, preening and prancing around, picking out silk shirts with loud patterns, unphased by the price tags.

I can go back to the house and put on something nicer, Aphelios had suggested, knowing the chances of it actually working were slim. Sett had refused categorically, but after the third store where his boyfriend hadn’t picked out anything, the beast-man took Aphelios aside and levelled with him.

“If you are really not into this, we can ditch it no problem, Phel.” Sett was standing with him on the sidewalk, patiently staring down at Aphelios, his words were sincere. “I know it’s a bit outta your comfort zone, but I really wanted to share this with ya. I’m not guiltin’ you though. I just wanna treat ya, I ain’t ever been this happy with someone before, you’re my mooncake ‘n I’m your man. I wanna spoil you.”

Aphelios breathed deeply, collecting himself, looking into Sett’s eyes and seeing only eager affection there. He was uncomfortable, yes. But this was also part of it, this was the date Sett had carefully planned, and even though the price tags were affronting, it boiled down to being given a gift. And gifts should be appreciated.

Okay, he agreed at last. I’m sorry. I’m just… intimidated.

“You don’t need to be, sweetheart. Just think of it as I’m sharin’ what I like with you, you know I always dress in sh*t like this, it ain’t all that big of a deal. I’m mostly being selfish, actually. ‘Cause I get to look at my smokeshow boyfriend in sexy clothes ‘n watch everyone die of jealousy that it’s my hand you’re holdin’.”

Ah, so this is an ego trip? Aphelios smiled, allowing the mood to lighten.

“Oh, absolutely,” Sett had grinned back, looking elated when Aphelios followed him into the next designer store of his own free will.

But now they were at a restaurant where the prices weren’t even on the menu, and Aphelios was wearing a billowing black chiffon blouse and high-waisted pleated wool pants with dark purple loafers that cost so much Sett hadn’t even let him see the price tag before he’d insisted on buying them. The whole outfit was probably worth half their rent, and Sett’s new get-up was twice that. But he looked completely at ease in his branded dress shirt, unbuttoned awfully low and matching perfectly with a new leather jacket.

“You know that this is gonna be your life soon, right?” Sett explained as they waited for their food, Aphelios having picked something that sounded delicious but he hoped was not a billion dollars. Aphelios had no idea what Sett meant, until the beast-man explained.

“Once Heartsteel makes it big ‘n we start tourin’, things won’t be low-key anymore. We’re gonna start gettin’ companies sending us sh*t, we’re gonna have awards shows to go to… we’re gonna be expected to live in a certain amount of luxury. Aww, I’m scarin’ you, aren’t I?”

No… but you have a point, Aphelios conceded. He hadn’t thought of that, somehow.

The life of a rockstar was going to be pretty different from the life of a MeTV musician, even one with hundreds of thousands of subscribers. And Sett had lived it before, prior to his little fall from grace. While Aphelios doubted Heartsteel would ever come across as the primped and polished perfection of a group like K/DA, if they were headed for the success they believed they were, their profile was about to get much higher.

To his surprise, the realization didn’t really frighten Aphelios. He would probably always be a bit more low-key, but the idea of embarking on new adventures, seeing the world, and occasionally enjoying the finer things with his fellow members sounded pretty awesome. And through it all, Aphelios knew his sister and Sett would be there for him.

“But damn,” Sett said, a low, amorous growl infusing his voice, “I’m gonna have to be careful. You’re way too f*ckin’ fine, ‘n seein’ you in clothing like that? I’m gonna have to beat the crowds off with a stick.”

Speak for yourself, Aphelios smirked back, relaxing and letting confidence seep into his posture. He couldn’t help it, not when Sett looked at him like that. And he really did like the shirt he’d bought him. If the waiter looks down your shirt one more time I’m going to make out with you in front of him.

“Promise?” Sett asked enthusiastically, comically hunching over, trying to make his shirt gape open as much as possible to guarantee a PDA from his boyfriend.

Thankfully, the waiter did nothing further to draw Aphelios’ ire, and they ate their exceptional entrees with much enjoyment, sharing an indulgent pudding-based dessert that Sett seemed to derive more pleasure from watching how much Aphelios loved it than actually tasting it himself.

There was only one problem now. And that was that Aphelios would have to discard all of his plans for the surprise date, and figure out how to match the thoughtfulness and pizazz of the wonderful day Sett had done such a good job of putting together.

🎶

Phel, I’m telling you, just do what you had planned. I think it sounded great. Alune had her work cut out for her, juggling exams and her poor brother, who seemed more stressed than she was. And more importantly, if you made me waste my time on the morning of my exam teaching you how to cook things… I will kill you.

i read from your textbook while u helped me make stuff! does being ur study buddy mean nothing to u he wrote back before sighing heavily, staring at the little creatures swimming around in the living room fishtank, blissfully ignorant of the pressures of trying to come up with cool date ideas.

none of it feels special or fun tho, he added finally. thats why im freaking out

How could he just take Sett out for a drive to some mountaintop, after the date Sett had taken him on? The best dinner Aphelios had had in, well… maybe ever, thousands of dollars in gifted clothes, and such a wonderful trip to the aquarium, knowing Aphelios would love it.

its just stuff i would do on my own but now im inviting him. that seems dumb!!

Aphelios watched the bubble pop up as Alune typed her reply. He prayed she would have some genius last minute idea, Guugle having failed him. He had to meet Sett in two hours, and he had yet to come up with a better date idea… his twin was his last hope.

No!! You’re dumb!! Sett will love you showing him things that are important to you. He literally told you he wants to get to know you better! Dumbo!

Then, before Aphelios could protest: Start getting ready and go with your original plan or I will no-show for this exam just so I can come beat your stubborn ass!

damn ok relax, ill go with the plan dont fail ur exam lunie 😣

Defeated again by his sister, Aphelios resigned himself to his fate, reading Alune’s last reply as he rolled off the couch to go get ready.

I would never, not even to save my dorky baby brother’s love life ✌️

ill blame u if show up crying to my date, ur so mean to me. It was around the time for her to go into the test room, so Aphelios wasn’t surprised when she didn’t read his message or reply.

good luck love u, he signed off, before he sighed again, heading upstairs to follow through with his plan that he felt less excited about with every passing moment.

🎶

“Sorry it took so long to get here,” Aphelios apologized as he parked the car, getting out and making sure he opened the door for Sett like a gentleman, though he fumbled with the door handle in his nervousness.

“Wasn’t that bad at all,” Sett reassured him, curious about what Aphelios was getting out of the trunk, helping him with the bags and bundles. In front of them was a small forest of trees, with a path leading through them. All Sett knew was that the last ten minutes of the hour drive had been up a steep incline, they were definitely in the mountains outside of the city. Thankfully, Sett had refrained from making the obvious joke of asking if Aphelios was taking him somewhere to murder him… he knew it looked weird, but a comment like that would have validated all his regrets over this stupid idea.

Instead, gamely following Aphelios along the short path, Sett gasped in total wonderment as they came to a scenic overlook, the sunset vista spreading out wide before them.

“Whoa, this place is incredible, Phel!” Sett wasted no time pulling out his phone and taking photos. Beneath them, they could see the whole city, toy-sized and beginning to glitter with lights as night fell. Their timing was perfect, there were still twenty more minutes before the sun set completely. They could enjoy the colourful view, before they watched the moonrise.

Soon they had their little area set up, Aphelios unfurling a sturdy picnic blanket to sit on, along with another, warmer blanket they could wrap around themselves. He’d spent the morning cooking (well… if he was being real, Alune had spent the morning cooking and half-teaching him while he helped her study for her exams), but as he pulled dinner out of the cooler bag, each dish got vocal approval from Sett. His elation didn’t make sense to Aphelios, who could hardly forget how it paled in comparison to the luxurious feast they’d had on Sett’s date.

Alune had helped him make some yubuchobap and beef gimbap, and he truly appreciated Sett’s cry of delight when he opened his container and saw them carefully arranged. There was also cabbage slaw and some baked, seasoned chicken cut into strips so Sett could still have a hope of meeting his protein macros, which the Vastayan seemed utterly touched by. Of course, there were also little sweets for after, honey butter chips for after-after, and a variety of drinks, from water to canned coffee to some weird flavoured soda he’d stolen from Kayn.

Sett had already wolfed down a third of his portion when he stopped and came up for air, complimenting Aphelios’ cooking profusely and saying over and over how all of it was really hitting the spot. Hopefully, Alune would forgive him if he took credit for what was mostly her hard work… but Aphelios would have to thank her later, because the boxed meal seemed to be going over rather well.

You don’t mind a picnic after that fancy dinner you took me out for? Aphelios signed it like a lighthearted joke, but he was worried Sett was secretly wondering what was going on, sitting on a blanket on the grass in the middle of nowhere, eating cold food.

“This is fantastic,” Sett told him sincerely. “I’d take this with you any day over a restaurant. I had no idea you could cook like this!”

Heartened, and allowing himself to hope Alune had been right after all, Aphelios enjoyed watching Sett eat like it was going to be taken from him, offering him a few of his pieces of gimbap and smiling when Sett inhaled those too. By the time their bellies were full and they could relax a bit, there was only a sliver of sun left visible above the horizon.

Well, at least the first part had been a win, Aphelios thought as he pulled a portable speaker out of one of the bags, connecting it to his phone and selecting the playlist he’d carefully curated, with this date in mind. He let it start quietly playing in the background, not so loud that it competed with the sounds of the trees, the wind, or the birds, but enough that it could feel like the soundtrack to what he hoped would be a special night.

“C’mere sweetheart,” Sett held his arms wide, the blanket over his shoulders, waiting for Aphelios to come sit in his lap so he could enfold him in the warmth. Aphelios felt several tender kisses pressed to the top of his head, and he allowed himself to relax against his boyfriend, a love song playing faintly behind them as stars began to twinkle into view.

“This is a special place for you, ain’t it?” Sett murmured after a few minutes of placid, easy silence, holding Aphelios tight.

Aphelios nodded, relieved that Sett could tell that much already. “This is where I come when I need to clear my head.”

“And you think I need to clear mine?” Sett joked, nipping at a pale earlobe, eliciting giggles. “Nah, in all seriousness, this means a lot, babe. This is what I was hopin’ for, when I said I wanna get to know you better. Somethin’ like this. Exactly like this.”

“A picnic on a mountaintop in the middle of nowhere?”

“Yep.” Something about the way Sett was holding him, with such gentle strength, made Aphelios feel near tears. He felt so… accepted. “This place feels real ‘you.’ And if I had to guess, this music is somethin’ you picked out ‘specially for this, right? The food was awesome, too. I can tell how much thought ya put into all of this, ‘n it makes me real happy.”

For what felt like a long while, Aphelios couldn’t speak, he couldn’t find the words eloquent or powerful enough to capture the sublime feeling welling in his chest. Patient as ever, Sett let him gather his thoughts.

“I’ve never brought anyone here before,” he finally said, needing that simple phrase to convey it all. That he had never had anyone he wanted to show this to. That this public overlook that belonged to the mountain was equally a private part of him. Something hidden, something precious to him but so easily ordinary to others—and he didn’t want to have to explain why it wasn’t ordinary.

But he knew Sett understood.

“Thank you for showin’ it to me,” Sett said adoringly. “It’s perfect. It’s really perfect.”

In that moment, Aphelios thought about the future; saw it stretch in his mind’s eye in front of him as if it was the city vista, and saw Sett in all of it.

…Was that crazy? When they’d barely been dating for a month? He supposed time would tell.

They chit-chatted about random things, simply enjoying each other’s company and relaxing as the moon rose above them. Sett asked if Aphelios knew any of the constellations, what he wanted to do for Hallowe’en, what countries he was looking forward to the most when they went on tour.

As they talked, Aphelios pulled some tangerines out of the picnic bag, and began peeling them carefully, holding out the plump, fragrant segments for his boyfriend to pick up with clawed fingers. Before they knew it, they’d spent two hours like that, blissful in their little mountaintop paradise for two, nothing else in the world mattering at all.

“It ain’t fair that you look better in my coat than I do,” Sett laughed as he watched Aphelios get up and stretch his legs. Aphelios had begun availing himself of Sett’s clothing once their relationship had been exposed. “And it ain’t fair that you keep wearing skirts in places where I’ll get in trouble for puttin’ my hands up ‘em.”

Aphelios grinned, extending his leg and lifting the hem of his long, pleated skirt to suggestively show his ankle. “Does this drive you crazy, beast-man?”

“You bet,” Sett joked, looking like he might be about to pounce, his tail swishing with excitement.

“We wouldn’t get caught up here,” Aphelios said suggestively. “Probably.”

Sett chuckled, standing and roughly seizing his tempting boyfriend to him. “I ain’t gonna lie, when you first started drivin’ outta the city, I thought we were headed to some lover’s lane where we could mess around and no little dipsh*ts who don’t knock could walk in on us…”

Ezreal had managed to walk in on them yet another time after the initial incident, and Sett was seriously contemplating putting a lock on his door as a result. Yone had instituted a hard ‘knock before entering, always’ rule, but its efficacy was unreliable.

“I had no nefarious intentions,” Aphelios laughed, looping his arms around Sett’s neck and kissing him in the moonlight. Somewhere on the mountain, an owl hooted. “But I could find a country road on the way back…?”

Hungrily, Sett reciprocated the kisses, and Aphelios became fairly certain that they might be hard pressed to make it as far as the car before they started fooling around.

But suddenly, Sett stopped, hesitating. His ears twitched flat, telegraphing his shyness.

“Can I ask ya somethin’, mooncake?”

“Sure.” Aphelios wondered what it would be. “Anything.”

“Well, maybe it ain’t so much askin’ you as tellin’ ya…”

Rarely had Aphelios seen Sett be this unsure, or look this bashful. But he knew it wasn’t anything bad, simply from the way the Vastayan was still holding him, like a treasure.

“This is so f*ckin’ cringe, but… uh… we been datin’ for a little while, ‘n I feel like this might be around the time where, um… hehe…”

Sett’s awkwardness paired with what they’d been doing just beforehand clicked, and Aphelios understood.

“You want to sleep together?” he asked simply, almost giggling when Sett blushed so hard he could see it even in the moonlight.

“Well, yeah!” Sett laughed nervously, spluttering a bit with his surprise. “Damn, I didn’t expect you to just spit it out like that. But I’ve been wantin’ to for like… look, I ain’t gonna lie to you, I’ve been wantin’ to sleep with you since I saw you—ah sh*t, that sounds messed up. I just mean you’re hot, mooncake!”

Aphelios smiled up at him, his grin wicked and smitten, he loved when Sett’s bravado crumbled like this, because of him. It made him feel powerful and desirable, it gave him the confidence he needed to take the lead.

“I know what you mean,” Aphelios said generously, “don’t worry.”

“It’s different now though, ya know? ‘Cause I lo–’cause I like you so much, it’s been makin’ me so nervous, so I wanted to ask you how you were feelin’, not ‘cause I wanna rush you, just… I’m excited, but I always wanna make sure we’re on the same page…”

“I’m nervous too,” Aphelios confessed, even though Sett gave him a look like that was unbelievable. Perhaps he seemed collected on the outside, but inwardly, Aphelios’ tummy would flip and his heartbeat would skip at the thought, just the same as Sett’s.

“I have something to tell you, too,” he continued, riding the wave of temporary courage to admit something he had never felt shame in, but he also wasn’t stupid—Aphelios knew it was unusual, especially at his age.

It would be my first time, he signed, before he could overthink it and stop himself. He knew enough that he could probably passably fake it till he made it, but he wanted Sett to know.

Sett’s eyes went wide, and his pupils slit. He clearly had not been expecting that…

“Really?” he asked, tender excitement in his voice. “I had no idea, I mean… you’re just so… you’re cool as a cucumber.”

“That’s probably just the autism,” Aphelios said dead-pan before he realized what he’d said and they both burst out laughing. He would never get over people telling him he looked impassive or unaffected when internally he could be screaming or dancing or crying, or maybe all three at once.

Once they’d calmed down a bit, Sett hugged him tight again, a real and gentle hug.

“There’s no rush, ever,” Sett said. “But I want you to know that it means a lot to me, that you’d let me be your first. IF you ever decide ya want to–”

“I want to,” Aphelios confirmed bluntly, though he was touched at Sett’s consideration.

Oh, Sett’s mouth made the shape without any sound really coming out, and Aphelios could not help but poke a little fun by asking whether Sett.exe had crashed. After a protracted moment filled with Phel’s soft laughter, Sett’s brain rebooted, but he didn’t ask what Aphelios was expecting.

“Can I ask, is there a reason you waited? This is… well, it can be a big deal, ‘n we haven’t really talked about this, ‘n I wanna understand everything. If that’s okay?”

Aphelios hadn’t ever really thought about having to explain that, had never thought about even being asked that, and his thoughts on the matter were disorganized. He nodded, gesturing for Sett to sit with him on the blanket again, and the other waited for him to answer.

It was surprisingly difficult, and Aphelios felt the strain in his vocal chords. He checked if it would be okay if he typed his answer instead, Sett didn’t know quite enough sign language for this and Aphelios did not want to risk a misunderstanding. Of course, Sett didn’t mind at all, and sat patiently drinking one of Kayn’s weird sodas as Aphelios typed everything out.

its not just one reason, and it wasnt a conscious decision i made. its not some super sacred thing to me, not like that.

That felt like a weird lie, even though it wasn’t one. But the statement was certainly grating against some long atrophied indoctrination Aphelios hadn’t thought of in years.

part of it was that i grew up really sheltered, there were very strict rules, he wrote, considering a hundred times in a matter of seconds whether to even send that much, whether to add more.

He had never talked about his childhood, deliberately so, and he was divided within himself, equally hoping that Sett would ask, would force that door open, while simultaneously praying he didn’t, knowing the metaphorical door would slam closed twice as hard for being forced.

For whatever reason, Sett let it be, perhaps sensing that this was not the inroad he wanted to take at this time, but the look on his face made it obvious enough that he had not been expecting for Aphelios to reveal even that much.

Hurriedly, Aphelios typed more, sending these messages with much less hesitation than the ones previous, wanting to move on.

but mostly i just didnt feel like it. i didnt feel like that about anyone

Sett read the message and inhaled to ask something, but stopped himself.

“You can ask anything, Sett. It’s okay.”

Bolstering himself, Sett chose his words carefully, or at least… tried to. “Didn’t you like… get horny at all?

Aphelios cracked a smile. yeah, but not for other people, so i just took care of it

He was trying to be respectful, but Sett looked baffled. To be fair, it had to be diametrically opposed with his own experiences.

i didnt feel anything i couldnt resolve by myself, if that makes sense?

“Yeah, it does,” Sett responded aloud, looking a little less confused. “But you’re… ah, f*ck. Bear with me, Phel. And don’t laugh! And be honest, okay? Promise?”

Aphelios nodded, waiting for the beast-man to screw up his courage.

“You’re, uh… you’re horny for me, right?”

Valiantly, Aphelios struggled to honour his promise not to laugh, not at Sett, but sometimes his unaffected genuineness was just… too cute.

“Very,” Aphelios confirmed easily. Sett looked ready to combust.

bc i care about u so much, Aphelios offered further, via text. it was once we got closer and i got to know you.

Sett’s ears swivelled hard when he read that, and his eyes were huge and glimmering again… those puppy dog eyes. “So you haven’t felt like this before?”

Aphelios shook his head. He thought of the lyrics of one of the songs he’s made sure to include in tonight’s playlist:

I’ve never felt this way about another,
I’ve never felt so good

“Me neither,” Sett rushed to say, too. “I’ve never been this crazy about anyone, Phel. And I can’t believe I get to share this with ya, thank you for tellin’ me… but like I said, I’m happy to take things slow ‘n feel it out…”

“I told you I want to,” Aphelios said, the wicked grin appearing again because he knew he was seriously testing his boyfriend, and enjoying it a little too much. Who knew that Sett would be the one acting like the blushing maiden, out of the two of them?

“Like, um,” Sett gulped, “tonight?”

“Sure,” Aphelios said, totally unburdened from the hesitation and shyness he’d felt when it had been an elephant in the room. He was always more comfortable, talking about things like this and establishing them directly. “We can go back now, if you want.”

“Holy f*ck,” Sett whistled, looking like he might be about to blow a gasket. Aphelios could not stop himself from laughing this time. “You’re insane, you literally have no idea how f*ckin’ sexy you are. My junk is so hard I’m like, gonna pull a f*ckin’ dick muscle or somethin’.”

Both of them were laughing now, especially when Sett joked that he was glad Aphelios could drive back, because he would need about twenty minutes to be in any condition to operate a motor vehicle, if he calmed down at all.

Swiftly, they packed up the picnic items, sparing a moment for one last lingering kiss under the moon, Sett thanking Aphelios again for sharing this spot with him. They kept listening to the playlist the whole way home, Sett’s hands never leaving Phel the whole car-ride, whether it was holding his hand when it was safe, or a hot palm burning through the fabric of Phel’s skirt on his thigh, or claws being softly raked through silky turquoise hair.

🎶

“We’ll just take it nice ‘n slow,” Sett was saying. Mostly to himself, in all honesty. It was incredibly endearing, especially after hearing about the Vastayan’s prodigious exploits, that he would be so nervous with Aphelios that he had to coach himself like this. “Yeah, nice ‘n slow–”

But seeing this vulnerability, Aphelios could not fully resist his impulse to tease. Right after Sett had finished saying they’d take it ‘nice ‘n slow,’ Aphelios swung his leg over his waist, straddling his boyfriend on his bed. They were in Aphelios’ room this time, because unlike Sett who had said he would buy a lock for his door after two interferences from Ezreal, Aphelios actually had bought and installed one, and they did not want to risk any interruption.

“Ah f*ck, Phel!” Sett bucked up, unable to control himself. They hadn’t yet fully undressed, but Aphelios had removed his leggings and underwear, leaving on his skirt. Without mercy he frotted into the bulge he could feel growing in Sett’s briefs, finding his mouth and kissing it voraciously. He loved the feeling of his tongue against those sharp fangs, sometimes accidentally drawing blood and giving their kisses a metallic taste. As the beast-man moaned helplessly into his mouth, a long, protracted sound of desperation, Aphelios only increased the pressure, touching himself under his skirt, touching Sett, feeling how Sett’s hands climbed up his bare legs and gripped handfuls of his ass–

Suddenly, Sett made a different kind of sound, a sharp gasp mixed with an incomplete syllable like ‘stop,’ and he froze completely, going rigid. A moment later, he sagged back against Aphelios’ pillows, groaning and covering his face with his hand, evidently in embarrassment. The sight of that skirt splayed out over him and Phel’s warm thighs against his body had proved to be a bit too much for the beast-man. Against his own arousal, Aphelios felt the fabric of Sett’s underwear grow wet.

“I wanted to take it slow,” Sett griped mournfully. “This is so f*ckin’ embarrassing! It’s the skirt! It’s too f*ckin’ hot, gettin’ to finally put my hands up it… aw man I really f*ckin’ ji*zzed in my pants didn’t I…”

Aphelios climbed off, unable to stop laughing and kissing Sett through his smiles. “It’s not embarrassing. I’m flattered. And I admit… I was teasing you on purpose, so, it’s not really your fault.”

As punishment for his admission, Sett attacked Aphelios with a few vengeful, poking tickles, making him laugh harder. He was powerless to resist as Sett climbed on top of him, pinning him against the mattress after he’d removed his stained briefs. It was a fitting retribution, because Sett’s weight above him and being able to feel his co*ck, only half-soft and still so thick, made Aphelios feel so breathless for a moment it made him dizzy, no cheekiness left… just need.

“This just gives me time to get you ready mooncake,” Sett purred into his ear, clearly noticing how Aphelios was lifting his hips against him, seeking pressure with the same desperation he’d weaponized against Sett. “And now I’m gonna take it reeeal slow.”

Aphelios was soon repenting for the way he’d tortured Sett, because the Vastayan got him back tenfold as he recovered his stamina, talking the entire time. Somehow it just made the arousal more intense, the Vastayan’s low, sensual voice filling his ears, the vibrations of it resonating against his neck before sharp teeth sunk in for a bite.

“Open your legs, sweetheart,” Set instructed, beginning to take the lead like they had agreed on for this first time. They’d made sure to retrieve condoms and lube from Sett’s room, things he had at the ready in his hopefulness for a night exactly like this one.

Aphelios obeyed, rewarded with a heady kiss and the feeling of Sett’s large, warm hand sliding up his skirt again, stroking and spreading slick lubricant everywhere; up his aching shaft, across his swollen, leaking tip, until Sett’s hand travelled lower, massaging his sack and the bridge of sensitive, firm flesh above his hole. At this rate, his skirt would be a hopeless mess, but it was impossible to care.

“I’m gonna put a finger inside you, okay? Relax for me.”

As much as Aphelios loved the shy, bashful, virginal Vastayan he could easily fluster, this Sett was just as appealing. Aphelios felt safe surrendering control to him, listening to his instructions and entrusting him with access to his most intimate parts. Aphelios nodded, breathing deep and then gasping when one of Sett’s thick fingers slid inside. It felt weird, and incredible. Sett held all of him, one arm cradling him, letting Aphelios press his face into his chest or the crook of his neck, his other arm working slowly, making careful work of plunging deeper and deeper until he could find Aphelios’ roots.

“Good, just like that, keep relaxing,” Sett praised him, working him loose, soon adding a second finger after telling Aphelios he was doing so well. The beast-man may have been the picture of control, but he was already rock-hard again too, unconsciously rubbing against Phel’s bare leg where his skirt had ridden up, his bushy tail languidly flipping this way and that against Aphelios’ blankets.

When Aphelios could let three fingers inside, feeling them working against his inside, opening him wide, Sett whispered the sweetest nothings for his hearing only; Aphelios was so beautiful, he was doing so well, the sounds he was making were the hottest thing Sett had ever heard, Sett was sure he was the luckiest person ever born. Aphelios felt like he was melting into the bed, his brain detaching and floating somewhere distant as roiling waves of pleasure permeated every corner of his body. He had never felt anything like this. And when Sett leaned down and nosed his shirt up so he could suck on one of his nipples while finger f*cking him with force, Aphelios had never felt anything like that either.

The only thing tethering him to the moment and keeping him from caving to the sheer sensory overload was the insatiable, unforgiving desire for more. Aphelios wanted it all. Gathering his strength he lifted his arm, tapping his hand on Sett’s shoulder, where he could feel the muscles rippling with the work his fingers were doing inside him.

“Too much?” Sett asked, instantly pausing, finally releasing Aphelios’ abused nipple that was stinging in the air.

Aphelios shook his head. He had no idea how lovely he looked, his cheeks flushed, his red eyes glassy and half-lidded.

f*ck me Sett, he signed.

Furry red ears flickered back hard, and for a moment it looked like Sett had been so lost in fingering Aphelios he’d forgotten what the endgame was. But the brainfreeze lasted only a second, before the Vastayan was reaching for a condom and the lube.

“Wanna put it on me?” Sett asked, giving the condom to Aphelios, who was both irritated and turned on to be given a task when he was struggling to even hold his sanity together.

With gargantuan effort Aphelios raised his head enough to look down the planes of his own body to where Sett was hard and thick, forcing his hands to work dexterously enough to unwrap the condom and roll it down Sett’s length. Sett was huge, enough that Phel’s hands were full, and imagining it all the way inside of him sparked a violent shiver that ran through the course of his entire body. A thick string of precum leaked from his tip, smearing in the pleats of his skirt.

After slicking himself with lube, Sett lowered down to his elbows, caging Aphelios between his huge arms, gazing at him dotingly.

“You okay with it like this?” Sett checked, petting Aphelios’ tousled hair.

Aphelios nodded and swallowed, vaguely aware of how empty he already felt without Sett’s fingers inside him, vaguely aware that taking all of Sett might hurt quite a lot, but ultimately uncaring.

“I feel like I’ve been waitin’ for this forever,” the beast-man murmured. “Like I’m about to figure out somethin’ I been missin’ my whole life…”

Do you feel scared? Aphelios asked, trying to calm his racing heart. He could feel the hot weight of Sett’s co*ck, laying between his legs. It was maddening, the tiny distance of only few inches lower till Sett would be inside, while it felt like that distance was also all that was standing between them and something that would permanently change the tint of their lives.

“A little,” Sett confessed, smoothing Phel’s bangs away from his forehead with heartbreaking tenderness. It would never make sense how such a large man with such raw strength could be so gentle, but it was one of Aphelios’ favourite things about Sett. “You?”

A little nod, accompanied with a little smile. And then, a sweet kiss.

But I’m ready.

“Okay, mooncake. Me too.”

Sett’s weight lowered, and he took away one of his hands to reposition himself, Aphelios suddenly feeling firm pressure against his hole.

“Relax, sweetheart, relax…” Aphelios let everything else fall away, focusing only on Sett’s mantra, willing his body to go slack, his legs spreading wider, Sett’s crown finding a few millimetres more of access just from the lack of tension.

“Take a deep breath, ‘n stop me if it hurts.”

A nod. A deep breath.

Sett pushed, and finding initial resistance, pushed a little harder, and sunk inside.

“Oh f*ck,” he gasped, his voice strained and his breath panting. After a brief moment of gathering himself, he kept petting Aphelios’ hair, trying to calm him so he would ungrit his teeth. Aphelios’ nails were digging pink crescents into the flesh of Sett’s back, but the Vastayan said nothing.

“Just relax, like that, nice ‘n easy babe,” Sett purred, coaching his partner through the worst of the stretch, Aphelios’ muscles burning as they were penetrated for the first time. Tears pricked the corners of his eyes, but still Sett was not yet fully in, and Aphelios promised himself he would take it all.

Agonizingly slow, Sett kept sliding inside, reforming Aphelios’ body around him, the smaller man beginning to feel pressure in his stomach, the sensation that his pelvic bones were being pulled apart. Finally, the press stopped. Aphelios was totally and completely filled.

“You’re doin’ such a good job, Phel, you’re takin’ me so well…”

Somehow the words of encouragement helped, and gradually, Aphelios was able to reconnect with the intimacy of the act they were sharing, the pain subsiding. Underneath the strain, there was pleasure, molten and vibrant.

“Does it feel good?” he managed to ask, his voice almost a croak. He must have overused it without realizing, with all the sounds Sett had pulled from him with his fingers and tongue.

“It feels f*ckin’ incredible,” Sett declared emphatically, the words spilling out like he could hardly contain them, hardly believe this was really happening. “You feel so f*ckin’ amazing, Phel. So amazing.”

Boldly, and with some of his mischief returning, Aphelios contracted his muscles, squeezing Sett as tightly as he could, detonating a savage growl in the beast-man who, without thinking, jerked his hips up. Aphelios saw stars.

And that was it, unstoppable momentum had been triggered, and Sett’s movements inside Aphelios began to get longer, faster, deeper. Aphelios’ eyes were rolling back in his head, the dew of tears catching in his lashes, everything too much–way too much and somehow still not enough. Thankfully, Sett did not stop, because if he had, Aphelios was sure he would have died. Everything was orbiting around them, unified in all ways two people could be one, the gravitational pull the only thing keeping everything from blowing apart.

“f*ck, Phel! You feel so f*ckin’ good!” Sett was being so loud, and Aphelios’ bed frame was beginning to bang noisily against the wall, but there was no way they would quiet or slow now. Inarticulate, rasping sounds were coming out of Aphelios’ throat too, what little of his voice was left bounced every time Sett thrust into him. His forehead and his shirt were damp with sweat, and his hands were beginning to slip on Sett’s skin.

“I’m gonna come soon, ah f*ck, sh*t,” Sett vocabulary was reduced to profanity as he f*cked Aphelios, overwhelmed with the pure animal pleasure and heat, the carnal somehow transmuting to the divine, hilariously juxtaposed with the Vastayan’s vulgarity. In spite of already coming earlier, Sett felt too good to last much longer. Aphelios could barely understand what he was saying at that point, and had no idea if he was close to climax or if this feeling inside him just meant he was about to blow apart like a supernova.

All at once, Sett buried himself deep, shuddering and moaning a long, mutilated swear word, thrusting again even deeper, seemingly into Aphelios’ guts, rearranging them to make room for his heat only.

But the Vastayan hardly took a moment’s rest, before Aphelios was even able to parse what was happening or the process the mind numbing pleasure of feeling Sett pulsing against his walls, Sett’s hand was on Aphelios’ erection, pumping and coaxing, Sett’s mouth already on his, stealing his breath and his tattered moans.

Aphelios’ voice broke as he came all over Sett’s hand, all over his skirt, his own stomach, the sheets. He came so hard it was like something had been wrung out of him, something that had waited, pent-up, for years and years, leaving him simultaneously shattered to pieces and remade.

His ultimate mission accomplished, Sett collapsed hard onto the bed beside his lover, his wet hand still resting on Phel’s heaving abdominals. For a long while, all they could do was try to catch their breath, staving off passing out, staring up at the now glowing stars Aphelios had painted on his ceiling.

Gradually, Sett recovered enough to cuddle Aphelios to him, petting his hair and stroking his cheek with his clean hand, his purring growing in volume until it was a soothing rumble Aphelios could feel against his shoulder.

“This was the best f*ckin’ date I’ve ever been on, Phel,” Sett said at last, earning a dry, rasping chuckle from his boyfriend. “You made me feel so f*ckin’ good, ‘n I loved the mountaintop. I don’t think I’ve ever come that hard. Did you feel good, sweetheart?”

Another laugh, almost a cough. Aphelios felt the heavy smother of sleep approaching, and even though he was filthy, he was so tempted to give into it. Scraping together the last of his strength, he lifted his hands that felt like they were attached to noodles instead of his arms.

Felt so good I saw other dimensions, he signed, laughing and groaning when Sett apologized for not knowing all those words yet. Later, when he was able to talk again he would explain, and it would spawn an inside joke between them about ‘getting dick so good it opened wormholes between multiverses.’ But for now, Aphelios just rolled deeper into Sett’s embrace, nuzzling against him and praying the beast-man was psychic and would be able to read his mind… just a fifteen minute nap, please…

…He got ten, but thankfully Sett had wits enough about him that he managed to pilot the both of them to the shower, letting Aphelios half-drowse against him as he helped him clean up. This was a new experience too, having his naked body dried off with gentleness, no ulterior motives, just loving care. He borrowed one of Sett’s huge bathrobes, too tired to find his pajamas and get dressed, trudging obediently to Sett’s room where the bed’s sheets weren’t a disaster… climbing under them and distantly thinking that sleeping nude might not be that bad. He was already mostly unconscious by the time Sett had enfolded him in his arms, their bodies intertwined, the press of their clean, warm skin feeling as intimate as sex, just in a different way.

Aphelios was totally asleep by the time Sett began whispering to him, kissing his hair lightly so as not to wake him, listening to the sound of his peaceful, regular breathing.

“I love you so much, Phel,” he didn’t hear Sett confess. “One day I’ll have the guts to tell ya properly, when I ain’t so worried I’ll sound looney-tunes. But I’m already so insanely in love with you, I love you so damn much, I hope you’ll be my boyfriend forever…”

Perhaps those words permeated some part of Aphelios’ dreams, because he had a wonderful, deep sleep he woke from many hours later, feeling so content and satisfied, even as his body ached with bite marks and bruises. Sett greeted his favourite sleepyhead with affectionate kisses and compliments, and both of them felt like everything was somehow different now, and even better.

🎶

A week later, the world met Heartsteel and fell in love with the six members of a motley crew, proving that sometimes all that was needed was a second chance.

🎶

Bonus:

“What the f*ck are you doing just standing there? They’re attacking our base!” Kayn was clacking on his keyboard so hard, Ezreal could hear it through the Discard call.

“Shhh! Something’s in the house!” Ezreal whispered back, frozen in his bedroom in terror, the FortressNight game in progress playing out in front of him, but he was too scared to pay attention, not even as people started threatening to report him for being AFK.

“What the f*ck are you talking about?” Stupid Kayn had used their week off to leave after all, and was consequently several states away. With Yone and K’Sante at their seaside resort and Aphelios and Sett out for a night in the mountains or something, it meant Ezreal was left alone with whatever was starting to make an awful lot of noise in the house.

Burglars? Serial murderer? A gang of serial murderers?!

“Someone’s in the house, they’re banging on the walls or something!” Ezreal hissed. “If my comms cut out suddenly, call the police, okay? Promise me, Kayn!”

“Banging on the walls? What if it’s a burst pipe or something? You have to go check–”

There was a furious back and forth as Kayn pressured Ezreal to go investigate, reassuring him it probably wasn't a rogue killer and could actually be a serious structural problem. If Ezreal was home alone, then it would be up to him to deal with it. Either that, or he at least needed to get his head back in the game and stop inting.

Finally, Ezreal screwed up his courage, finding an old twirling baton in his closet from when he’d done gymnastics, holding it like a baseball bat, and edging down the hallway, to where the noise was coming from in Phel’s bedroom. It was a horrible racket, like some kind of stray animal, maybe even a mountain lion that had gotten into the house… a gymnastics baton would be no match for an animal like that…!

Losing his nerve, Ezreal sprinted back to his room, breathlessly whimpering to Kayn who was still doing his best to prevent a loss.

“Kayn! It’s in Phel’s room!! It’s some kind of wild animal breaking stuff, it’s probably destroyed his computer and all his instruments, I gotta call the cops or it’s going to ruin everything! How did it even get in!? Oh god… what if I left the porch door open again–”

“A wild animal?!” Even that was capable of shocking Kayn for a moment, until his voice flattened into scepticism again. “Wait… banging and animal noises… coming from Moon Boy’s room. And you said those idiots were out on a date tonight, right?”

“Yes! Phel was going to take Sett to some place for a picnic or something,” Ezreal clutched the headset to his mouth, just imagining how devastated Aphelios would be when he got home, until he caught sight of the time. “Oh… I didn’t realize… it’s already 2:00 a.m…. um… maybe they came home already…”

There was a long, drawn out moment of silence as comprehension set in, and Ezreal’s entire body flushed hot.

“Well,” Kayn said at last, “good for them… Good for them. Okay. Now, get your dumb little ass back into this f*cking match before you get banned. It’s still winnable.”

“Okay,” was all Ezreal mumbled, trying his best to concentrate on pulling the match out of the gutter, and thanking his lucky stars and Kayn’s more level head that he hadn’t impulsively called the police like he’d been about to.

That would have been a strike three he would have understood if Aphelios and Sett had never, ever let him live down.

Chapter 4: "Mississippi" Kevin Abstract

Chapter Text

My twitter (please say hi!!!): aphelionaphelia

Megi's twitter (go look at her amazing art, she draws lots of settphel!!!!): lordmegi

Here's the Homesick Soundtrack that will build as the story progresses: spotify

Chapter Four (Sett)

Mississippi - Kevin Abstract

“OH MAN!” Sett yelled, ripping his tank top to shreds from sheer hype, “that was f*ckin’ INCREDIBLE!”

He’d missed this high, missed it more than he had realized, and feeling it with Heartsteel gave the achievement more potency than he’d ever felt in his musical career. These six people were his family now, and they’d conquered their first live performance. It may as well have been the whole world, for how Sett felt.

“Did you hear them chanting our names?” Ezreal exclaimed, sprinting and leaping onto K’Sante’s back, who was in turn proudly declaring how he couldn’t believe how loud the crowd had been, how much excitement there had been for them.

“Sett,” Alune called out with a smile, coming to meet them from where she’d watched from backstage. “Keep it to your shirt ok? Don’t go ripping your jacket or your pants. We have no replacements that will fit.”

Laughing jubilantly, Sett ran up and bear-hugged her, asking if she’d seen it all even as she screeched about him being gross and covering her in his nasty sweat.

“That was nearly perfect,” Kayn declared with a sharp grin, dumping a water bottle through his hair theatrically, still in performance mode. Alune groaned, despairing that any of their Paranoia outfits would survive the night at this rate, between the beastly shredding, the dousing in water, and ezreal excitedly phase shifting randomly, unable to sit still.

“We should all be very proud of ourselves.” For all Yone’s motherly nagging and the amount of bullsh*t he had personally cleaned up, his abundant pride now was equal to that of a parent witnessing their children achieve something incredible. “And how did your first live performance feel, Aphelios?”

Even amidst their frenzied celebrations, everyone slowed a little, turning their attention a bit to their quietest member, who just beamed radiantly and gave an emphatic thumbs up.

“AW! GROUP HUG EVERYONE!” Ez phase shifted to each member, yanking on sleeves or giving a playful push, until all seven of them formed a clump right there backstage, embracing and patting each other on the back so hard it knocked the air out of their lungs.

Sett had confidence in spades, but even he had to admit that when he’d formed the vision of Heartsteel, never in his wildest dreams did he think their live debut would be as one of the headlining acts for the Company of Champions finals, and here in Seoul no less. Right off the bat they’d set the bar high, but it just made the fire burning inside of him even brighter and fiercer; Sett felt sure that with another single or even an album, they’d cement their status as international superstars. But this moment alone, with Sett hugging his bandmates, made every bitter defeat that had come before totally worth it.

As the group hug dispersed, Sett felt himself naturally gravitate towards his boyfriend, the only thing more he could ask for right now would be to hold and kiss Aphelios. But just as he was reaching for him, more people appeared backstage, and honouring his partner’s request to keep things lower profile, (especially now they were in the public eye), Sett let his arm drop as Heartsteel gathered around to greet True Damage.

“Hey Assbutt,” Akali back-slapped Kayn with easy familiarity, “that wasn’t even half bad!”

“That was a wonderful performance,” Senna said to the group more generally, hugging K’Sante and Yone, before the latter went off to the side to have a chat with his brother, a conversation that seemed more friendly than some of the others Sett had witnessed.

“Yeah, you guys rocked it,” Ekko agreed, fist-bumping specifically with Ezreal first before he went around and greeted everyone else.

It was not the first time the two groups had met, especially with how interconnected their members were. But it was the first time it felt like they were meeting as industry peers. Heartsteel was no longer the yappy kid brother trying to follow in the shadow of an older, cooler sibling.

“Are you going to the after party?” A saccharine, feminine voice came from beside Sett, where he’d thought Aphelios and Alune were lingering. He looked for them, but saw Qiyana instead, apparently speaking to him in particular. Where had Phel gone?

“Oh, hey Qiqi,” Sett answered off-handedly, realizing it would be rude if he kept looking everywhere and anywhere but the woman talking to him. Sett had never felt especially comfortable around her, though they’d had plenty of occasions to meet. Back in the days of his first run as a rockstar, he’d been pretty sure Qiyana wanted to f*ck him, but in spite of his prolific history, he’d never really felt like taking her up on it. And when she’d dropped him like a radioactive hot potato when it appeared he’d ruined his own career, his negative opinion of her had only solidified. It looked like now that the beast-man was back on top, she wanted a piece again.

“I hadn’t heard about an afterparty yet,” he continued, just trying to be polite.

“That’s because we just decided to have one now, and I’m inviting you.”

Sett cast another look around, still unable to see where the twins had gotten off to. Deliberately, Qiyana pulled his attention back with a hand on his arm.

“You’ll be there, right? We’ve got bottle service at the hottest club downtown, the party’s going to go all night.” One of Qiyana’s eyebrows was co*cked, and for a moment Sett wondered what this invitation really entailed, before he internally debated over whether bottle service at a club sounded like something Aphelios would enjoy.

“I ain’t sure, I gotta ask the guys what the plans are–”

“True Damage booked a table at Stiletto,” Kayn interrupted, coming over and slinging an arm around Sett’s shoulders. “Bottle service and everything. We’re gonna go, right Boss? ”

Perhaps overhearing the rapper, Ezreal, Ekko, K’Sante, and Senna also joined in, pressing Sett into agreeing to come out and celebrate. Akali, Yone, and Yasuo were coming over now too, having finished chatting. Everyone was here but…

“Where did Phel and Lunie go?” Sett asked, but no one was listening as he was jostled by the small crowd, people no longer waiting for his answer. The consensus was obviously that the two bands would be partying in downtown Seoul tonight no matter what Sett said.

Come to think of it, would they be going somewhere the twins were familiar with? Sett didn’t even really know what area of South Korea they’d grown up in, or when they’d left. Even after knowing them the better part of a year, all he knew for sure was that at some point they had moved in with their aunt in America, and that, in Aphelios’ own words, their upbringing had been strict.

Sett did really want to celebrate with all of Heartsteel, but he found himself even more excited at the prospect of getting a deeper peek into his enigmatic boyfriend. Maybe tomorrow he could persuade Aphelios to take him on a date, they could finally eat real, authentic Korean food, Phel could show him cool things an ordinary tourist wouldn’t know about…

Where was he? Maybe Aphelios had texted him?--

“Let me give you my number again,” Qiyana snatched Sett’s phone out of his hand before he could even check if Phel had messaged. “Don’t lose it again like last time, okay?”

It was going to be pretty irritating if she was going to be like this all night, but Sett let her put her number in his phone rather than make a fuss. They would need to coordinate details about meeting up later anyway, no way Sett was going out for a night on the town without showering and changing at the hotel first. Beyond that, he knew he would never text her.

Much to Sett’s distress, the group began to collectively move to leave even though he still had no idea where Aphelios and Alune were, until finally he caught sight of them waiting way off to the side, near the hallway that led to the exits. Pulling away from Qiyana who’d been presumptuously holding his arm and blabbing in his ear about who knew what, Sett made a bee-line to the twins, ecstatic to finally share in the afterglow of what would be one of Heartsteel’s most special moments.

“Where’d you disappear to?” Sett went to put his arm around his boyfriend’s waist as a matter of course, a little dismayed when Aphelios avoided it, joining the group and walking alongside, but at a distance.

Fair enough, Sett told himself. They were still in public. And while he’d like to think no one in True Damage would ever stoop as low as leaking stories to the tabloids, it didn’t hurt to be cautious.

“We were thirsty and went to find more water,” Alune answered on behalf of her brother. “Then we were just waiting over by the hall, it was a bit loud…”

“Ah,” Sett said, full of understanding. This had to be pretty overwhelming for Phel, not only in terms of the cacophony and chaos backstage. Aphelios had once explained that strong emotions in general, even positive ones, could be hard to manage.

“True Damage snagged a table at some club tonight,” Sett told them, “bottle service ‘n everything. But if you ain’t feelin’ it, we could stay in for a quiet night…”

With his purple facemask pulled up again, Aphelios’ expression was nearly impossible to interpret. Sett watched as he exchanged a glance and shrug with his twin, who again supplied an answer, apparently able to read his mind. This ability of theirs sparked no small amount of envy in the beast-man’s heart.

“We’ll come out for a bit,” Alune offered. “It’s an important night and no one should miss any celebrations.”

Sett heartily agreed, but as he listened to the group finalizing plans and saying a temporary goodbye as they all got into their band sprinter vans, he wondered if Alune had just been putting her brother on the spot. Aphelios did not particularly look like he wanted to socialize, much less go to somewhere that guaranteed a raucous time with booze and loud noises. The moment the van door had closed, the young man had shut his eyes, either sleeping or pretending to sleep, with his headphones on.

Still buzzing with the incredible high of their first performance, Sett could not help but feel like Aphelios’ apparent emotional retreat was a little bit of a pit amidst the sweetness.

🎶

Having six double shots of whatever the bottle girl was serving them was questionable, but Sett chugging his seventh drink was downright dubious.

But he was having a bit too much of a good time to check himself. Stiletto was insane, with several dancefloors ringed with railed platforms where VIP guests could watch the revelry, and other, higher platforms were dancers dressed according the club’s theme—which Sett could only describe as Moulin Rouge but latex—writhed and twirled in time with hypnotic, pounding music.

Everyone else looked like they were enjoying themselves just as much. Each member of both groups was dressed to the nines and turning heads everywhere they went, getting treated like gods, or better. The only person who seemed ill at ease was the most beautiful of them all. Aphelios was wearing the expensive designer outfit Sett had bought for him on the date he’d planned, his hair carefully styled by his sister, his perfect makeup making him look inhuman.

Sett had wanted to ask him if he was alright, if he’d had a good time onstage, if he was happy to back in South Korea and have some time to explore, but Aphelios had laid down for a nap as soon as he’d gotten back to their hotel room, and had left to get ready with his sister while Sett was in the shower, only leaving a note for him but offering no conversation.

…Was he avoiding him? The thought alone made Sett feel sick, but as he turned it over in his mind he caught Aphelios’ eyes, and was rewarded with a gorgeous, but slight smile. From where he was reclining on the VIP white leather sofas, watching as his bandmates and their friends danced and poured each other drinks, Sett thought Aphelios looked like some kind of immortal prince, observing the antics of his courtiers but unaffected by them.

He probably was just really tired, after the travel and performing, the jet lag… and from carrying the impossibly heavy burden of being the most gorgeous creature not only in the club, but the whole city… no, probably the whole world, Sett thought. He’d watched how every single person Aphelios walked past stopped in their tracks, gripped by the sight of him like an angel descended from the heavens, too beautiful to even approach.

And he’s mine , Sett thought to himself, grinning and squaring his shoulders, standing even taller as he danced. Perhaps only a few people were privy to such knowledge, but Sett knew and Aphelios knew that they belonged to each other, and that was everything.

“Come dance with me!” Qiyana was at Sett’s side again, tugging on his elbow and guiding him away from the bottle service area, down onto the dance floor proper, where Sett could see Ezreal, Kayn, Akali, and Senna were already tearing it up, and he wanted to join them. But… what he wouldn’t give to have Aphelios come with him. To be able to hold that spectacular body of his close, to feel how he moved against him and to demonstrate his claim over this beautiful man so everyone could see…

But Aphelios just watched him be pulled away by the diminutive True Damage singer, turning towards his sister and whispering in her ear, but otherwise looking as immovable and etheric as Pygmalion’s statue before its awakening. Evidently, he wasn’t in a dancing mood. But that was a shame too, because Sett knew for a fact that Aphelios was a fantastic dancer. Sett gave him a little wave before descending.

It was easy to lose track of the time and of the drinks, but both together had Sett’s head going fuzzy, the pulse of the music replacing his own heartbeat. It had been ages since he’d lost himself in the hedonism of a nightclub, but this specific genre of pleasure was familiar to him and easily accessible. Dancing with his friends, getting more intoxicated and entranced by the press of bodies and deafening tunes, even his surroundings fell away for a time. Sett didn’t know when it had happened, but he suddenly realized the others had left the dancefloor to go sit down, and the only one remaining with him was Qiyana.

Coming to his senses a little, Sett used the advantage of his height to catch sight of Aphelios, finding him in the same place he’d left him, sitting on the sofa like it was a throne and staring back down at him.

Sett was about to call out to him, inviting him to join, when he was yanked lower by his lapels, Qiyana forcing his attention back to her, but too short to loop her arms over his shoulders like she looked like she wanted to do.

“Qiqi ya gotta chill out,” Sett said in her ear, but whether the music was genuinely too loud or she was just stubbornly pretending to not understand wasn’t clear. But Sett was done with being touched and pushed into things without his permission, and pulling her hands off his collar he straightened to his full height, out of her reach.

“I ain’t interested,” Sett told her unequivocally, slowly forming the words so she could read his lips if she was going to keep up with this schtick of pretending to be deaf. But before she could respond, the beast-man was distracted by movement in his peripheral vision; a flash of teal hair disappearing in the crowds on the other side of the VIP area, in the direction of the exit.

Alune was still sitting on the sofa, but the look she shot Sett was full of ice, her blank expression frighteningly reminiscent of her brother’s, and equally as eloquent despite being unreadable. Sett felt his stomach practically drop out of his ass, and without thinking he began to push his way off the dancefloor, making his way to the exit as fast as the throngs of people would part to let him through. He didn’t even stop to check with Alune, who he could tell was mad at him, though he didn’t know why. He knew he would have to sprint if he was going to catch Aphelios before he got into a cab or on the subway.

Bursting into the crisp October air outside of Stiletto, Sett saw Aphelios just in time before the other turned the street corner and was out of sight. Trying to be polite and avoid bumping into strangers, Sett picked his way through the crowds on the sidewalk, not nearly fast enough for his liking. He didn’t know exactly why he had such a horrible feeling brewing so aggressively in the pit of his stomach, but he refused to ignore it now like he had been all day. And he refused to let Phel leave without talking to him first.

“Phel!” he called out, turning the same corner as his boyfriend, seeing him a little ways ahead. “Aphelios!”

It was no use, the young man did not turn around and Sett was forced to apologize profusely as he had no choice but to navigate more forcefully through the pedestrians, neither his size nor his inebriation doing him any favours. But finally he’d caught up, and with a firm hand he grabbed Aphelios’ upper arm, making him stop and face him.

“Where’re ya goin’ Phel? Didn’t you hear me callin’ your name?”

Aphelios just stood there looking at him, wearing an frigid look that matched his sister’s, though his was imbued with a darker edge underneath. Something in his eyes that Sett couldn’t pinpoint, but it made his heart clench nonetheless.

“What’s goin’ on? Why are you avoidin’ me?” Speaking without much of a plan, Sett hadn’t necessarily intended to say that, but when it was out there and Aphelios did not deny it, the beast-man could practically feel his heart in his throat, thrumming sickly.

“Phel… hang on, let’s get outta the sidewalk,” Sett guided them both to a parkette up ahead, little more than a stretch of grass with a few spindly trees, park benches, and a weird statue of something Sett could figure out no better than he could figure out why his boyfriend seemed genuinely furious with him for the first time. But at least he’d followed him here, without trying to make a break for it or continuing to ignore the Vastayan.

“Will you tell me what’s goin’ on? Please?” Sett pleaded, terror creeping in at the edges.

He didn’t really know how Aphelios was when he was this angry. He’d seen him upset or emotional plenty of times, but never really mad like this, and never mad at him . Sett felt a surge of dread that Aphelios might be like some of his ex-girlfriends, punishing him with the silent treatment until they’d decided Sett had been sufficiently cowed.

Thankfully, Aphelios began signing, and even alongside his mounting anxiety, Sett felt an inundation of love; Aphelios was not the type to play stupid games or f*ck with him for the sake of it. He should have trusted him more.

I asked you if you were alright if we kept our relationship a bit more private for now, Aphelios signed, his gestures carrying surprising violence. And you agreed, you told me you understood. But apparently, ‘private’ means letting Qiyana do her best to f*ck you in front of everyone. Do you know how hard that makes it to trust you? That you’d do that much, in front of me? In front of our friends? What am I supposed to think you’re doing when I’m not watching?

Then, one final, awful indictment. Or do you just get off on making me jealous?

“Phel, hang on,” Sett’s voice was a near-whimper, and out of habit, he reached out to touch Aphelios, heartened when he did not recoil. “Phel, I’m so sorry. I had no idea it was botherin’ you, I didn’t even realize how it was comin’ off–”

Give me a break, Aphelios rolled his eyes. If even I could pick up on those social cues, you have no excuse.

“That’s fair,” Sett agreed, meaning it. “I didn’t mean it like that, I meant that I had no idea you couldn’t tell that I wasn’t into it at all. I know what Qiyana’s up to, I ain’t tryin’ to say that sh*t wasn’t obvious.”

Then? Aphelios prompted, waiting for Sett to explain why he’d let it happen.

“I wasn’t thinkin’ about it like it was worth any of my attention, not even to tell her to f*ck off,” the beast-man tried to explain. “I literally could not be less into her, or into anyone. Anyone but you. I was just goin’ along with stuff so as not to cause a stink, but I’m sorry, ‘cause I didn’t realize how it was comin’ off, ‘n I totally get it.”

How would you feel if the situation was reversed? If you were watching me let someone give me their number, or touch me all over, or try to kiss me on the dancefloor?

“Like f*ckin’ sh*t,” Sett said immediately. “Like absolute f*ckin’ sh*t. In fact, I woulda been a lot less chill about it than you. If some dude was mackin’ on ya like that in front of me then I probably woulda gotten my second restraining order. I dunno what I was thinkin’. I just wasn’t, I guess.”

So why is it okay to do that to me, if you would hate it so much? Kayn even asked me if you were doing it on purpose, as a misdirection for the paparazzi. Do you know how that feels? It makes me feel like trash. It makes me feel like as soon as we’re out of the house and around distractions and fun things, I don’t matter.

The alcohol wasn’t helping, but realizing how bad he’d f*cked up out of sheer carelessness and getting carried away made Sett feel like he was going to throw up. It felt unforgivable, to misuse Aphelios’ trust, much less humiliate him like that. To make him feel anything less than adored.

“Mooncake,” Sett’s voiced cracked, his throat tight with impending tears. He had to spend a moment forcing them down and clearing his throat. “Sayin’ I’m sorry doesn’t feel like enough, because I know how bad of a f*ck up this is, I see it now. But I wish you could be in my head, ‘cause it just didn’t register that way.”

Desperately, Sett reached for his boyfriend’s hands to hold, feeling significantly better when he did not pull them away. “All I could think about was you, how I wished you’d come dance with me, how sexy you look… I know it sounds like bullsh*t but I think I didn’t clock how bad it musta looked ‘cause honest to god, I wasn’t payin’ attention to half the sh*t she was doin’. I don’t like Qiyana, at all. Never have. She’s got a nasty attitude, ‘n I feel like I gotta keep my guard up with her all the time.”

Then why did you let your guard down this time?

“I didn’t,” Sett promised. He kept expecting Aphelios to cut him off, too angry to hear him out, like Sett could remember happening in all the other arguments he’d ever had with his exes. But Aphelios just stood there, waiting for him to finish. “Tonight taught me I gotta keep it up even higher, that’s all. I know that she’s got no f*ckin’ chance with me. But not only her. No one has a chance with me, ‘cause I’m f*ckin’ crazy about you, Phel.”

Even with how his head was spinning a bit, Sett could see Aphelios’ expression soften with that.

“I just forgot that sometimes it’s just as important to send those signals out to the world, too. I got caught up, in the hype today, how happy ‘n excitin’ everything was, ‘n I’m real drunk right now too…”

Then, realizing how that sounded, Sett added hastily, “but I ain’t sayin’ those are excuses. I’m still real, real sorry, bunny. I haven’t been a good enough boyfriend today, but I just want you to know it’s ‘cause I can be a blockhead sometimes, not ‘cause there’s anything sneaky or bad.”

Aphelios was still listening, just looking at his poor, grovelling beast-man. He took a few moments to think, blinking a bit hard and looking around at the city skyline for a moment, sniffling. The realization he had almost made Aphelios cry had Sett seriously about to get on his knees and beg forgiveness, who cared if they were in public… but luckily Aphelios began signing his response the millisecond before Sett could make a complete fool of himself.

Thank you for apologizing. I forgive you. And I understand. I never thought you were doing it intentionally, but I was upset precisely because it felt so careless. And I’m not used to you… a pause and another sniff as Aphelios gathered the courage to finish his thought… I’m not used to you being careless with me.

Sett would have howled at the moon, beat his fists against his chest and torn his clothes again, this time in pure agony, if it didn’t mean he stood the significant risk of being arrested in Seoul for public disturbance.

“Oh god, I’m so sorry sweetheart, I’m so sorry. I’ll never be careless like that again, I promise.” More than anything, Sett wished he could clutch Aphelios to him, pet his hair and kiss him and rub his back. But he was still respectful of the everpresent boundary about PDAs, hand-holding was already really pushing it. “I meant it, I’m f*ckin’ crazy about you. And I’m doin’ somethin’ real wrong if I ever let you forget that. I never ever want to do anything to make ya regret trustin’ me.”

I don’t, Aphelios told him. Of course I still trust you. I hope I didn’t make you feel like it was even close. I was just upset and wanted to go back to the hotel early. But you stopped me.

“So you weren’t about to break up with me or somethin’?” Sett half-joked, half-voiced his worst fear.

The look of shock on Aphelios’ face went a long way to soothe Sett’s latent insecurities.

No! Not even close. Sett, I’m so sorry if I scared you that badly–

“No sweetheart,” Sett interrupted his poor distressed boyfriend, more lovesick than ever. How had he found someone this decent? Someone this forgiving when he was such an ass? “Like I said, you been about fifty times more reasonable than I woulda been. It was just a bad joke.”

Finally, Aphelios visibly relaxed, and it felt like the hardest thing Sett had ever had to do was not seize his lover to him and shower him with kisses and hugs right then and there.

“What can I do to make it up to ya now?” he asked instead, “wanna go back to the club? Head back to the hotel? Or we could walk around a bit…? I could use a walk to sober up, not gonna lie. But I’ll do anything you feel like, doll.”

Miraculously, the corner of Aphelios’ mouth tilted upward, possibly the world’s tiniest affectionate smile, but it was there nonetheless. He considered the options he’d been given, before agreeing a bit of a walk might be nice, he just had to text Alune about the change of plans and tell her not to worry.

Soon enough they were on their way, Sett feeling increasingly like everything was right with his world again, especially since he could look to Aphelios at his side and Aphelios would look back at him, no trace of that dark, submerged feeling hidden in his eyes anymore. As they talked about how awesome the performance had been and how much fun they’d both had onstage, their familiar comfortability and closeness felt totally reinstated. But perhaps precisely because of how good it felt, Sett had relaxed and stopped overthinking, and without proper care, he brought up what he did.

“Now that we’ve got some free time, I’d love to visit your hometown, if we’re close enough,” Sett suggested, sipping at a convenience store drink, trying to rehydrate a bit.

It’s not close , Aphelios signed bluntly, but Sett was too busy working out a kink in his neck and checking out the sights of the Seoul streets, he didn’t pick up the cues that should have been obvious to him by now.

“Really?” Sett plowed on, oblivious. “Can’t be that far, we got the van, or we could rent a car. I thought you could get across the whole country in like, 5 hours or somethin’.”

This time, Aphelios offered no reply.

“I mean, I know it’s a bit awkward for me to suggest meetin’ your parents, but we could just pretend we’re friends or somethin’ if it feels too much… I’m sure Lunie wants to see ‘em too?”

Still, Aphelios offered no reply, only looking at the ground beneath his feet as they walked.

“Haven’t your parents reached out? They musta seen you guys were here to perform…” Finally, Sett was cluing in that he’d hit on a nerve.

I don’t want to see them , was all Aphelios said after a long while, looking pained when he finally signed the words.

Such an answer was unfathomable to Sett, who, while he obviously understood having baggage when it came to his dad, could only think of how much he missed his momma, and how hard it would have been to move away from her, much less for years.

“Why not? ‘Specially while we’re here…”

Can you just drop it? I don’t want to see them, they won’t want to see me.

“Aw, c’mon Phel, don’t be like that,” Sett complained. “You can’t blame me for askin’, you ain’t ever told me sh*t about how you grew up. Your parents would probably wanna see you–”

You don’t know what you’re talking about , Aphelios retorted, beginning to get very upset again. Just drop it.

Instead of dropping it like Aphelios requested, Sett was getting fired up, having inadvertently confronted one of the only emerging problems in their otherwise dreamlike relationship.

“Of course I don’t know what I’m talkin’ about,” he said, a little snappishly. “How am I supposed to, when you won’t tell me anything? Isn’t it natural that I wanna know more about you? We’re in the place you were born ‘n grew up ‘n we probably won’t be back here any time soon, so is it weird I wanna visit places that are special to you? That’s all I’m askin’ for. It ain’t that crazy.”

There’s nowhere special to me here , Aphelios fired back.

“Then why wouldn’t you f*ckin’ say somethin’?” Sett’s retorts were just as ready as Aphelios’, and both of them seemed intent on having their second argument of the day, which was also their second real argument, ever. “We’ve been preppin’ to come here for weeks, we had a whole ass fourteen hour flight, ‘n never once did ya mention that you had a problem comin’ back. Clearly, there’s somethin’ I don’t know, but why not let me in on that?”

One of the answers was obvious, and Sett didn’t like it. He would never begrudge Aphelios his closeness with his twin, but sometimes he felt like Aphelios didn’t need to open up to him, when he could just go to Alune. But even if it was just the vague outline of it, Sett could sense some of the second reason. From the few context clues he had, but mainly from how reserved and melancholic Aphelios could be, the things he wrote about in his lyrics… Sett knew that the childhood the twins had lived through had likely not been a happy one.

But those were basically guesses, whereas Aphelios knew all about Sett’s deadbeat piece of sh*t dad who’d stepped out on his wife and toddler, all about the bullying he’d faced as a kid, the first fight he’d gotten into when he’d decided he’d had enough of the sh*tty teasing. Aphelios knew basically all there was to know about the Vastayan. And, being real, Sett was already head over heels, pathetically in love with his boyfriend. Was it so outrageous that he wanted to know more about the man he adored this much?

Aphelios had stopped replying, walking like an automaton while Sett talked at him.

“I don’t know anything about you, ‘n sometimes that freaks me out,” Sett explained, trying to improve things, ignoring some of the cues that it wasn’t. “I just want you to feel like you can tell me stuff, I wanna know where you came from, I wanna know why you are the way you are. It might help me be better for ya too. How am I supposed to know your parents are on the ‘do not go there’ list?”

Finally, Aphelios had an answer. You’re not supposed to know. I know it’s frustrating. I’m sorry. But please just drop it.

Even though he meant well and it was coming from a place of love, Sett could sense the intense emotional retreat of his boyfriend, and it scared him. Since they’d begun dating, Aphelios had never retreated from him . And he knew he was beginning to verbally hunt Aphelios in a way that would just make him flee harder. It was a horrible cycle Sett was too drunk and too emotional to disarm right now.

“Can’t you just tell me when you’ll be ready? Or let me know why you don’t wanna talk about it? Unless there’s some kinda horrible secret you’re hidin’ ‘n your parents are like… dead or somethin’...?”

I want to go back to the hotel , Aphelios signed in the same moment he abruptly flagged a passing cab, and got in. Dumbfounded, Sett half-expected to be abandoned there, but at least Aphelios waited for him to get in, directing the driver in Korean before looking like he had shut down completely.

A few times, Sett tried to start a conversation, but each time Aphelios just shook his head. The Vastayan could tell the cab driver was observing nosily, but at that point he didn’t care, he could feel Aphelios pulling away from him and single-minded and still not sober, Sett refused to let go.

Even when he recognized it was becoming self-sabotage, he could not bring himself to give Aphelios the space he clearly needed. A few times it looked like Aphelios was near tears, which just scared Sett even more, and out of desperation he kept prying, trying to force open the hard shell his boyfriend was protecting himself with again.

Rightly or wrongly, it earned him an absolutely miserable night sleeping alone, Aphelios taking his stuff and moving to Alune’s hotel room instead without a word.

its not fair that u just shut down when i ask u about stuff like this, Sett wrote in messages to Aphelios, once he could no longer badger him in person. He knew he shouldn’t be messaging. He knew it and he knew he was taking things too far, but it was too hard to pull himself back.

im sorry phel, can u just talk to me? Sent at 1:26 a.m.

i guess i just never talk about ur parents ever again, which i can live with, but u gotta admit this is whack. Sent at 1:45 a.m.

i know why ur bein so mysterious… u and alune are the heirs 2 a huge fortune and ur testing me if i really love u before u tell me u r filthy rich lol 1:46 a.m.

ok im sorry for joking but please can u just say goodnight to me? 1:48 a.m.

Aphelios was offline, and Sett’s spam went unanswered. He tossed and turned, sobering up and agonizing over if it was better or worse if he deleted his messages. Aphelios would still see the notifications either way…

Suddenly, Sett realized that with the time difference, his mom would already be awake and well into her day, back in America. Without hesitation or even a thought about the long distance fees, Sett hit the call button, praying for her to pick up.

Thankfully, she did, and that in itself was enough to make Sett feel like he was more sane, more wise. Before he even explained what was going on, he knew that it had been wrong of him to hound Aphelios emotionally like that, to disregard when he’d asked him to leave it alone. Even though his wishes and concerns were valid, it had been stupid to make another fight out of it, and he’d once again managed to betray Phel’s trust by showing him that he could so carelessly think of only himself and his point of view.

Momma was more than happy to talk to her son, quickly realizing he hadn’t called just to tell her about the show, listening patiently as he outlined his sorrows and mistakes. He carefully digested her sage advice, promising her and himself that he would man up and actually use it.

🎶

This sucked so much ass though, Sett had to admit. Being in South Korea for the first time, initially so excited about their performance and the fun tourist things he could do, at no point had Sett imagined that it would be like this: him laying alone in his hotel room bed again, staring at the ceiling and reflecting on a sh*t day he’d been mentally half-absent for, lonely and miserable.

All he wanted to do was share everything with Aphelios. And while he’d still had some fun hanging out with everyone, shopping in downtown Seoul and coping with their hangovers with some junk food, it had been hard to really lose himself in the enjoyment. Aphelios had kept a polite but distinct distance, speaking mainly to Alune. And Sett had forced himself to respect that, even as he struggled.

He didn’t like the feeling of Aphelios avoiding him, and the fact they’d been so overly civil with each other the whole day had just felt like salt in the wound. In many ways, it would have been easier, or at least felt more predictable, if Aphelios had been the type to get hot-tempered and fight back. They could yell at each other, weather the storm of emotion, but then be done with it and make up afterwards.

But Sett had committed to taking his mom’s advice. He hadn’t sent any more texts when the pathetic, desperate ones he’d written last night went unanswered. Without passive aggression, Sett had observed Phel’s cues for more space. Even though he burned with need to apologize, to receive reassurance that Aphelios still liked him, he bore it, and showed that he could respect boundaries.

Momma had listened patiently, agreeing as a fellow formidable temper-haver that someone retreating and going cold could be scary, but telling her son that responding with badgering would never work, only make things worse. She’d helped him realize why it felt so scary, and encouraged him to find a way to give it some time, let Aphelios have a reasonable amount of space without punishing him for it, and then try to talk it through when the time was right. After all, she’d reminded him, this was their first fight, they were still learning how the other would react. Hopefully this would be the most difficult one, and they would take this as a chance to learn how to better support each other through conflict in the future.

Knowing the wisdom in letting something go and waiting till it came back to you was different than feeling the wisdom, though. And Sett huffed and sighed in bed for the better part of two hours, sulking and fretting over how long it might take, they’d already lost a day of their trip. He flip-flopped back and forth, first getting irritated that Aphelios needed so much time to cool off before he’d reverse himself and be overcome with appreciation that Phel hadn’t dumped him on the spot for being a f*cking asshole.

Finally, he had given up on sleeping for the time being, and had also given up on Guugling fun things to do in Korea because everything just reminded him of Aphelios. Sett was playing Confection Crunch on his phone till he was hopefully exhausted enough to fall asleep alone, when there was a soft knock on his door just before midnight.

Scarcely letting himself hope, Sett leapt out of bed so fast he nearly smashed his knee he tripped so hard over the blankets, barely remembering to snatch up a bath-robe and cover himself before he paused, hand on the turned doorknob.

“Who is it?” he asked, his heart racing. He held his breath.

Instead of a voice answering, there was a second light knock, musical in its rhythm. One of Phel’s signals.

Sett could have jumped for joy, he wanted to throw his arms around Aphelios the second he opened his door and saw him standing there. But he held back, unsure of what the other was going to say, why he was here so late. This time Sett meant it. He was going to be better. More considerate, and less assumptive. They would both need to put effort into this if it was going to be worked out.

“Hey Phel,” he said gently, unable to keep the fondness from softening his voice. “Everything okay?”

Aphelios nodded, looking a little shy, but not like he was about to break up with the beast-man, at least as far as Sett could tell.

“May I come in?” he asked. “I want to apologize.”

Inwardly, Sett could have ripped his robe off and streaked up and down the hallway, hollering with joy. Outwardly, he managed to keep his cool, (a bit), resisting the impulse to tell Aphelios there was nothing to apologize for and that he loved him and he was perfect, merely letting him in the room graciously instead.

Sitting together on the bed, things were a little awkward, but permeated with powerful relief nonetheless. Sett wanted to hold the precious person in front of him in his arms so badly, but he could tell Aphelios had a lot on his mind, and wanted to give him both the emotional and physical space for it, like he was learning to do. And he could tell they were both feeling grateful for the chance to finally clear the air.

“I’ve been hopin’ all day you’d be willin’ to talk soon,” Sett told him with a little smile. “Been hopin’ I could tell ya how sorry I was, too. But you go on ahead, mooncake. I’m gonna listen to ya this time, promise.”

Yesterday wasn’t your fault, Aphelios signed, taking Sett completely off-guard. It wasn’t like you weren’t listening. I was the one who didn’t handle it well.

Sett wanted to argue, wanted to prove that actually, he was the supreme jerk and if he’d just been a better boyfriend, yesterday could have been an ideal night of celebrating after a huge achievement. Aphelios, somehow, seemed to feel the same way. Which probably meant the truth was somewhere in the middle. But wisely, Sett kept his pie-hole shut, letting Aphelios talk, but unable to keep from reaching out and laying his hand on his thigh.

You were right, about everything. Then, hesitating, Aphelios clarified hastily. Well, not about letting Qiyana flirt with you, but you already apologized for that and as far as I’m concerned, it’s behind us. As long as you don’t do that again.

Sett laughed, squeezing Aphelios’ thigh. “Don’t worry, sweetheart. I’m gonna make sure I ain’t givin’ anyone the wrong idea from now on. But you’re talkin’ about what happened after, right?”

Nodding, Aphelios paused again, collecting his thoughts carefully.

I know I haven’t told you much about me, and it’s only natural that while we’re here, you would want to see things or ask questions. You were right. I should have told you… even just that I’m not ready yet. I want to tell you, but I don’t know how. And I know if I had told you ahead of time that there’s a lot about coming back here that’s hard for me, instead of pretending like nothing would be weird, you would have understood.

In his heart of hearts, Sett did feel a tiny little twinge of disappointment; he had hoped that, when they were talking again, that Aphelios would finally tell him more, about himself, about what had evidently happened to him. But the twinge was eclipsed by love. Much more powerfully, Sett felt grateful Aphelios trusted him and thought of him as someone he could talk to, when he was ready. Sett would wait for that, no problem, as long as it took. Everyone deserved that, but Phel deserved it twice over.

I was really hoping it wouldn’t feel like a big deal, being back here. Alune and I haven’t been back since we left, but… I don’t have something with my parents like you have with your mom. Yesterday I felt like… you couldn’t fathom why anyone wouldn’t want to see their parents, why I might not be thrilled to be back. But there are a lot of reasons. My parents know I’m gay, they know I’m in Heartsteel, they’re not secretly dead, we’re not secretly a ‘chaebol’ family. There’s no plot twist. I just don’t want to see them. And I need you to respect that, and for now, you’ll have to respect that without knowing why. I’m sorry.

“I can do that,” Sett committed sincerely, a little embarrassed that Aphelios had clearly read his idiotic late night messages after all. “Do you mind if I ask one thing though?”

Aphelios waited with trepidation, but gave a little gesture bidding Sett to go ahead.

“Is it the same for Alune?” he asked as sensitively as he could. He thought of Alune as his own sister, and he wanted to try his best to respect her boundaries too. “I ain’t gonna go to her ‘n ask details instead, that ain’t why I’m askin’. I just wanna know if it’s the same for her… if she doesn’t talk to ‘em or see ‘em either.”

No, she does, Aphelios answered. She’s going to visit them for an afternoon in a few days.

Somehow, that felt like a punch in Sett’s guts. He could only imagine how it must leave Aphelios feeling.

“That must be tough, sweetheart,” Sett comforted him, seeing the heaviness that had descended, weighing in Aphelios’ body language. Phel nodded again, before on second thought, he climbed into Sett’s arms, the two of them reconfiguring under the blankets and getting comfortable.

“I’m sorry I make it so difficult,” Aphelios spoke, his voice low and rough with disuse.

“What do ya mean, sweetheart? What’s difficult?” Sett held his boyfriend and stroked his back, trying to understand.

“I could feel how I was shutting down yesterday, and I didn’t want to. I know you didn’t mean anything bad by it. And I want you to know me too. It means so much to me that you want to know me. But sometimes…”

Aphelios trailed off, clearing his throat roughly, massaging the flesh of his neck right after. Sett was about to interrupt and tell him not to strain his voice, even if it meant some blanks still wouldn’t get filled in. But before he could, Aphelios continued, determined.

“Sometimes it’s like something else takes over. Like a kid, or a scared animal operating my brain instead of me. And all it wants to do is run away, even when I don’t want to run. I try not to. But I did yesterday, and I know it hurt you. When I get that upset I need space, I don’t know how to deal with it any other way. And Alune hates it too, she tells me I can get so cold, like I don’t care about anything. But I do. I promise you, I care so much.”

Having patiently avoided any interruptions thus far, Sett could not help but hold Aphelios even tighter, snuggling him and kissing his hair, murmuring I know bunny, I know several times into the teal strands. Silently, Sett committed that statement to permanent memory, like a tattoo in his brain. He’d remind himself, next time he did Aphelios the disservice of taking that cool distance he sometimes displayed as a personal insult or threat, instead of seeing it for the struggle that it was, the struggle of someone sometimes overloaded by caring too much.

“But I’m sorry,” Aphelios added, his voice even more strained now, a creaky, fragile wall barely containing a profundity of emotion Sett was beginning to hear breaking through. “I don’t want to be like this… I don’t want to be so hard to deal with. I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Babe, you ain’t hard to deal with,” Sett clutched his boyfriend, shaking him gently for emphasis. “You ain’t hard to deal with. You’re one of the most patient, kind people I ever met, ‘n just ‘cause you been through sh*t and sometimes it overwhelms ya ‘n you need to take a beat does not make you hard to deal with. ‘Specially when you’re sittin’ with me like this, talkin’ me through it ‘n helpin’ me understand. Do you know how lucky that makes me feel? How special that makes ya?”

“Thank you…” Aphelios reached to hug Sett’s torso tightly, cuddling into his side so hard his voice was muffled against the beast-man’s skin. “I’m just scared I’ll mess it up. I don’t know how to act sometimes. I’m scared to lose you.”

Sett could have laughed and cried hearing that, hearing how irreplaceable he was to Aphelios. Of course he should have known that, and he did… kinda. But hearing it was different, especially when he felt like he was the one who was so insane for Aphelios, while his boyfriend came off famously composed, calm, and collected. Understanding that they shared the same fear lessened its threat, greatly.

“I’m real scared of losin’ you too, Phel,” Sett confessed back. “You mean so much to me, today it felt like I was missin’ a part of me when I had to keep my distance. But I wanted to show ya you’re safe with me. Next time you tell me to stop, or that you need some space, I’m gonna do my best to listen.”

Sett paused, using a couple clawed fingers to tip his boyfriend’s head up, so he could look into his eyes. “I’m real sorry, sweetheart. I’m sorry for bein’ an ass.”

A sweet smile spread across Aphelios’ lips, and he leaned in, kissing the Vastayan.

“Thank you,” he murmured. A second kiss. “I forgive you for being an ass.”

Sett chuckled, releasing Phel’s chin, letting him lay back against his chest. Remembering the insight his mom had given him, Sett worked up his courage, readying himself for another admission.

“Can I ask ya for a favour for the future, though?”

Aphelios lifted his head again, looking into his face, wearing an expression with an eager edge, like he’d be happy to do anything Sett asked. It made it a lot easier to get the words out.

“It’s hard for me, when you retreat that far outta reach. And it ain’t your fault, ‘n I know this time I pushed you away. I think I just get freaked out… it’s probably good ol’ fashioned fear of abandonment courtesy of my Pa, yadda yadda, you know the cliche.” He was trying to make light of his own heartfelt confession, but Aphelios didn’t laugh. Instead he sat up a little more, his hand warm over Sett’s heart, his thumb stroking tanned skin back and forth. He was taking it very seriously.

“All I’m sayin’ is, if I promise to give ya space when you need it, can you just… can you keep it in mind that I might need a reminder that it doesn’t mean ya suddenly hate me? That it doesn’t mean you’re gonna leave me?”

“Of course,” Aphelios agreed, emphatically sincere. “I can do that. Needing space is different from shutting you out, and I shouldn’t have shut you out. And… I won’t leave you, Sett. I promise.”

“That’s good,” the Vastayan whispered, his ears turned back, his tail beginning to thump happily against the bed. He’d pulled Aphelios even closer, as if in for a secret, or a deep kiss. He felt so good, holding him close like this, hearing how much Aphelios cared for him too, his feelings unchanged by their stupid fight that now seemed like the height of foolishness.

“‘Cause I’m pretty sure I might be in love with you, Phel.”

A second later, Sett’s embarrassed blush caught up with his words, and panic began simmering in his stomach. He had definitely not intended on confessing that , he’d just gotten so lost in the moment, lost in the way it made him feel when Aphelios looked at him like that–

“Pretty sure you might be in love with me?” Aphelios repeated shyly, pink in his cheeks and the tips of his ears, too. He looked so beautiful, Sett felt feral with it.

f*ck it , was all Sett could think, deciding to take the plunge, though the beast-man was sure it had to have been painfully, comically obvious for months, now. And he’d confessed to Aphelios so many times while he slept, that it wasn’t half as hard as it should have been to say it out loud now.

“No, I know I am. I’m sure, mooncake. I love you.”

“Really?” Aphelios’ voice was a small whisper back, his face crimson, his body pressed against his boyfriend’s. He reached up to cup Sett’s cheek, his touch gentle and adoring.

“Really,” Sett nodded, beginning to close the distance between them–it had been far too long since he’d had his fill of Aphelios kisses, and it was high time to remedy that. It didn’t even occur to him to wait for an answer, the look on Aphelios’ face was good enough for him… he looked like he was about to be overcome by the feelings bursting like fireworks in his chest, and Sett could relate.

But he was stopped gently by Aphelios’ thumb, moved across his lips. They were so close, their noses almost touching. Aphelios’ red eyes were shining brilliantly with myriad emotions, and suddenly Sett realized this was very likely the first time he’d ever heard someone say they were in love with him. It made Sett immeasurably happy to be the first one (and if he could have his way, the only one) to tell that to Aphelios.

“Sett,” he said, so quiet, like he was speaking an incantation so powerful he did not dare have it be overheard. And, what he said was magic.

“I love you too.”

Aphelios’ clothes could not come off fast enough, their kisses could not get deep enough, Sett’s hands undressing and roving and grabbing… their mutual desire so fierce it bordered on sweet violence. But even this mauling was not sufficient for Aphelios, who panted and moaned as he climbed on top of the beast-man, grinding his hips hard, their naked skin pressed tight together, fever hot and supplicating for more.

Mercifully, there was a bottle of lube on the bedside table, and no sooner than Sett could get his fingers slicked he had them inside Aphelios, pulling him apart, coaxing even more sounds from his throat. There was only one small problem…

“Phel,” Sett grunted, tortured afresh when his lover misunderstood why his name was being called, and leaned down to smother the beast-man’s mouth in more hot, messy kisses.

“Phel…” Sett struggled, “you packed the condoms in your luggage…”

He was so lost to arousal that it took a moment for the words to register in Phel’s brain, but when they did, he paused in his relentless kissing of everywhere on his boyfriend his lips could reach, sitting up and trying to think clearly.

Aphelios had packed the box of condoms in his luggage, but after their fight last night, said luggage was still in Alune’s room where he’d slept. The pause lasted a second more, before Aphelios spoke again, his mind made up.

“We don’t need them,” he said matter of factly, resuming his endeavours to press his lips to every inch of Sett’s warm skin.

Now that was a lot for Sett to handle, and there was a painful throb in his crotch to match. He’d mostly been using them to help Aphelios feel safe and comfortable, but it was clear now that they’d crossed a threshold together, understanding that physically and emotionally, they were utterly safe with each other. This felt like proof.

The ecstasy of being inside Aphelios with nothing between them proved to be a formidable opponent for the beast-man’s stamina, and he did not last long. He erupted copiously, deep in his boyfriend, spewing swear words and declarations of love, his brows knitted in euphoria and his heartbeat galloping so hard he was sure Aphelios could hear it through his chest.

And he was truly sure he was going to die when he helped Aphelios to climax, still raw and barely soft inside him, feeling Phel’s muscles contract tightly around his sensitive co*ck as Sett’s hand pumped. It was all too much, way too much in the best way… but then, even this proved to not be enough, because Sett was soon ready to go again, once he felt wetness smearing on his thighs and Phel’s ass. Something about the first time coming inside Phel felt mind-breaking, a pleasure so consuming and decadent its price was your sanity. The Vastayan voraciously f*cked his lover a second time without having even pulled out yet from the first.

Perhaps his new level of intimacy and pleasure really had made Sett insane, robbing him of rationality and reducing him to his animal nature; hours upon hours and round after round that night were spent trying to fill Aphelios completely and claim him as belonging to Sett, and only Sett. When it seemed they couldn’t possibly go another time, all it would take was for one of them to say ‘I love you’ again, or for Sett to catch his own scent coming off his boyfriend, for their insatiable need for each other to spark back to full heat.

Dawn broke, and finally, they were simply too exhausted to keep going. But their night and those long hours spent lost in each other had satisfied something. As he caught his breath and his sweat cooled, Sett thought about how close he felt to Aphelios now, perhaps even more intense because of the time spent distant from each other the day before. If souls were real, he felt like they’d managed to thread theirs together, their heartbeats one, their knowledge of the other’s body greater than the knowledge of their own.

Honestly, the night he’d just spent with Aphelios had been so wonderful, it made Sett willing to believe in things like souls at all. Sett felt like he’d poured himself into Aphelios, both literally and figuratively, and the outlines of himself were left blurry. Something had quieted within the Vastayan, some subconscious, lonely hunger he would have thought impossible to placate if he’d ever been able to pinpoint his awareness of it before now. Maybe it was a hunger every person was born with, the kind that came with the fundamental solitude of being an individual.

But telling Phel he was in love with him, hearing it back… transmuting those simple words into a night of incredible physical intimacy, Sett felt whole, more than whole, two-in-one. Holding Aphelios in his arms, still able to taste the tears he’d kissed away when Aphelios’ rapture had forced them to spill across his cheeks, Sett felt like he was holding his perfectly fitting puzzle piece. The piece that left everything complete.

“I love you, Phel,” was all he could say, but now, it felt like it said it all.

🎶

Bonus:

Guess whose hotel room shares a wall with Aphelios and Sett's.... sorry Ezreal 😭

Chapter 5: "Solitude" M83

Chapter Text

My twitter (bene gesserit voice: please say hi to me!!!): aphelionaphelia

Megi's twitter (go look at her amazing art, her setts will change your life): lordmegi

Here's the Homesick Soundtrack that will build as the story progresses: spotify

Chapter Five (Aphelios)

Solitude, Felsmann and Tiley Reinterpretation - M83

Aphelios woke up, boiling hot. He tried to turn around but found he couldn’t, prompting more of his consciousness to resurface and realize that his still-sleeping boyfriend had him in a tight back hug, the sheets and blankets tangled between them. He had a gross taste in his mouth, and it felt like nearly every part of his body was aching or bruised, his insides churned up. But he had probably never been happier.

As delicately as he could, he turned slowly in Sett’s arms, managing not to wake the slumbering Vastayan, though perhaps that was no special feat; Sett looked thoroughly conked out, snoring slightly with a thread of drool trickling out of the corner of his mouth, one of his ears folded back, the fur sticking straight out.

Fondness suffused Aphelios’ body powerfully, like pure sunlight being poured through his bloodstream, a radiant feeling of such potency that it tipped over the edge a little into heartbreaking. He’d lost count of how many times Sett had told him he loved him last night, how many times he’d said it back. And if you counted all the ways they’d said that to each other without words, then it was a number beyond possible calculation.

But hearing it had undone something within Aphelios. Some hopeless little knot; the string he should have been able to follow to find his way home, like the kids had in fairytales, but he’d been born with his all tangled up. He’d never felt home, not here in Korea with his parents, not in America with his aunt, even though Diana was nice. Maybe not even in the Heartsteel house, not yet. And Alune… Alune was a nomad like him, but one who didn’t feel the ache of absence. Somehow he had been the only one left with this deep hole of homelessness, a pit that bottomed out his heart.

He’d written a lot about the feeling, both in his diary and his lyrics. He’d written about the homesickness he’d always felt, no matter where he went, maybe a defective yearning for something unattainable. Certainly something he’d never personally experienced, so it seemed weird to burn with nostalgia for it.

But hearing Sett say ‘I love you,’ the homesickness had eased.

As he gingerly leaned to place a gentle kiss on the tip of Sett’s nose—causing the Vastayan’s snores to catch, smiling as Sett smacked his mouth a few times before snoring even louder and pulling him in tighter—Aphelios thought to himself that this might be it.

This could be enough.

If some fortune teller peered into their crystal ball and told him this would be the rest of his life, touring and making music with Heartsteel, working alongside his twin and his boyfriend, getting to fall asleep in Sett’s arms after hearing his beast-man murmur how much he loved him… Aphelios would happily spend the rest of his days like this, with no regrets, feeling like he was one of the luckiest people ever born.

🎶

“I think I would be something rad, like a hawk, or an eagle. SKREEE!” Ezreal’s imitation of a bird of prey startled several passersby on the beach boardwalk, and earned him a ‘shut the f*ck up’ muttered from Kayn.

“I could see a parrot…?” Ekko said generously, but the chuckle that rapidly followed was ample proof he thought even that was a stretch.

“More like a rabbit, or a squirrel,” Kayn jibed.

Aphelios signed something, and Sett provided his answer for the rest of the group, laughing. “He said you’d be a hamster, ‘n I gotta agree, sorry Ez.”

Surprisingly, the popstar took it in stride, saying hamsters were pretty cute, everyone loved hamsters.

“And you?” Ekko asked, turning to Kayn. None of them could remember how they’d gotten onto the topic of what animal they’d be, but as they toured the beachside in Busan, the four of them were enjoying their last days in Korea, happy to be joined by True Damage’s rapper… Aphelios and Sett even happier that Qiyana had gotten the message that she was not invited.

“Oh, definitely something sick, like a panther or a shark,” Kayn answered. “Or like a giant f*cking snake. And Rhaast would be a bull–”

“Weasel,” Ezreal interrupted.

Kayn rounded on him, forcing their little friend group to halt their walk, Sett bumping into his back with an annoyed ‘oof.’ “What was that, pretty boy?”

“I said you’d be a weasel, ugly man,” Ezreal teased him boldly, dancing out of the way as Kayn took a swipe at his midriff.

“Or a vulture,” Sett joined in, happy to wind up the other rapper, probably knowing it had a high likelihood of being funny when he got set off.

Kayn turned to the beast-man, looking like he was about to refute, when he paused, hesitating. “Actually, I will accept that. Vultures are pretty hardcore.”

“I’d wanna be an ocelot,” Ekko masterfully directed the conversation, seeing Ezreal had been about to insist on weasel, which would have probably started a fight. “Or maybe a really big, smart crow. Did you know they can make tools? One of the only animals that can. Cool, right?”

Octopuses too, Aphelios signed, translated by Sett again. They use coconut shells as doors for their houses.

“Damn, that’s cool too,” Ekko mused. “Maybe I wanna be an octopus instead, I heard those guys are wicked smart.”

Aphelios nodded, happy to share cephalopod anecdotes. They are. There was even one octopus caught on tape, because a lab couldn’t figure out why all their fish were going missing from the tanks. They saw it lift the lid on its own tank, go and eat all the fish, and then sneak back and make sure the lid was closed behind it, to cover the evidence.

“Then I would definitely be an octopus,” Kayn announced. “A giant kraken. That would be really badass.”

Aphelios considered correcting Kayn that, if krakens weren’t mythological, they’d probably be closer to a giant squid than an octopus. But unlike his boyfriend, he didn’t like being obvious about when he was riling someone up or getting their goat, so he just smiled politely and nodded.

“Well, I would for sure be a wolf,” Sett declared, feeling left out of the conversation and looking more in that moment like a strutting peaco*ck with something to prove. “And none of you twerps get to say otherwise or I’ll show ya how many teeth I got in common with a wolf ‘n you can find out the hard way.”

“Wooo, tough guy,” Kayn wiggled his fingers in the air in a show of mock horror, perhaps forgetting that he had just tried to claim panthers, sharks, anacondas, and krakens, which meant he was very much still in first place for cringey teenage boy fursona picks.

It was such a silly conversation, but maybe that was the best part. Aphelios was having so much fun, bantering with his friends on the beach like this, happy to translate things they were curious about. With any luck, he’d be able to find a stall selling tornado potatoes and the day would be truly perfect.

“ We haven’t picked for Phelio yet,” Ezreal pointed out.

“A black cat,” Ekko said immediately.

“Yeah, a black cat,” both Ezreal and Kayn echoed.

And for the final vote, Sett said, “yep, I think a little black kitty fits ya pretty well.”

The matter was settled quickly, and Aphelios himself was fairly satisfied with the answer, giving it some thought as the other three turned their full attention back to the scenery. But Sett fell a step behind with him, leaning down and whispering for his hearing only.

“But I’m still gonna call you bunny, bunny,” he smiled before pulling out his phone and typing something quickly. Aphelios felt his phone buzz immediately after.

love u, my lil moon bunny , Sett had written. Behind his mask, Aphelios grinned. Since their fight, Sett had found so many creative ways to let him know he was always on his mind, that he was special, and all while still respecting his request to keep things low profile.

love u too, Aphelios replied. my… big sun wolf? Then, added: 🌙🐇💘☀️🐺

“Am I corny if I absolutely love that?” Sett clearly wanted to reach for his hand or put an arm around his waist, but he left it at playfully nudging Aphelios’ shoulder with his own.

I figured you would. Aphelios’ eyes glimmered with impish delight as he signed. He was so happy. You like cute things. Like me, for example.

“True,” Sett’s smile was so wide his fangs were showing, and his bushy tail swished behind him contentedly. “You are very cute. Maybe criminally so.”

Taking out his phone once more, Aphelios wrote guilty as charged and sent the gif of himself from the Paranoia music video rolling his eyes as his fake mugshot had been taken.

The others were a few steps ahead now, arguing over what animal Yone would be (K’Sante was very obviously a lion), and complaining about the lovebirds who’d ditched them by cutting the Korean leg of their trip short to go to Japan for a week, partly so Yone could introduce his boyfriend to his family.

Seeing the clever gif response, Sett looked like he wanted to pounce on Aphelios and smother him with kisses in the sand. Watching his boyfriend’s effort to restrain himself, Aphelios couldn’t help but wonder if it would really be that bad if the world knew they were together. They certainly weren’t doing the most they could to be subtle around Ekko, though that was largely because they knew he could be trusted, he wasn’t the type to pry or talk to others about what he’d noticed.

It felt nice to be able to be a little more genuine, though hey were still avoiding overt PDAs in case a paparazzo or someone looking for a Twooter scoop was lurking. Even if it was a far cry from international travel for introductions to each others’ families, taking the step of not really watching what they said or caring if they sounded too flirty felt like a wonderful dose of freedom.

And, Aphelios thought to himself, while he may never own up to it out loud, he wanted it to be known the Vastayan was his. He wasn’t so naive to think it would present any hindrance to people like Qiyana, even though at several points during that ill-fated evening in the club he’d been awfully close to storming onto the dancefloor and kissing Sett so deeply in front of everyone there would be no room for doubts about who he belonged to. But most importantly, Aphelios was beginning to feel like how much he loved Sett was getting too big to keep it stuffed in a tidy box. Despite being naturally private, he wanted the world to be aware. He wanted it to be known that Sett was the man he loved.

“Oh my god, we gotta go in,” Ezreal halted abruptly, holding his arms out wide to make sure everyone stopped and looked. They were standing in front of some kind of photobooth shop, one where you could take fun pictures with your friends and decorate the images before printing.

“I’m down,” Ekko agreed amiably.

“Oh man, is this one of those places where you can edit in stuff like cartoon cat ears?” Sett was already halfway in the store, he was so excited. “I’m gonna put cat ears on my cat ears!”

“Well, I’m sold,” Kayn rolled his eyes, but a grin tugged at the corner of his lips as he glanced at Aphelios. “Might as well commemorate our first band trip, hm?”

Aphelios nodded, he needed no persuading. Although it would have been even better with all of Heartsteel here, especially Alune who was away visiting their parents, Aphelios wanted something to remember this perfect day by.

That being said, Aphelios was astonished at the extent of Ezreal’s zest for photobooths. They wasted the better part of an hour, arguing over poses and stickers, printing out multiple pages of different takes that Ez insisted had to be perfect, and laughing till they felt sick over the various ways they found to embarrass each other, before finally Ekko said he was too hungry to keep going. Plans for dinner were made, with all five of them somehow managing to reach an agreement somewhat quickly on eating at a famous seafood restaurant they’d passed earlier.

u guys go on ahead, i need a few mins to find a bathroom, Aphelios texted the group chat. Sett immediately said he needed to use one too, but as Ezreal opened his mouth to say they could just use the toilets at the restaurant, both Ekko and Kayn interrupted him, agreeing to meet back up again at the restaurant. Loyal wingmen, they tag-teamed the popstar and pulled him away despite Ez’s obvious confusion.

Take some photos with me? Aphelios signed, pulling Sett into the photobooth by the hem of his jacket. Sett’s tail made a noise as it knocked loudly against the doorway, wagging enthusiastically as he happily obliged.

“Little minx,” Sett grinned. “You coulda just said this was what you wanted to do.”

“It’s more fun this way,” Aphelios explained, pressing various buttons to select a 4-panel, cutesy layout, making sure Sett was ready before he pressed start.

The first was funny, Sett had gone for a classic pose, standing with his legs wide so he could be closer to Phel’s height, and making half of a heart with his hand, expecting his boyfriend to complete it. Aphelios feigned innocence until the last second, making a thumbs up and ruining Sett’s romantic heart right as the shutter snapped. The next photo was Sett trying to punish his boyfriend, tickling him while Aphelios giggled and wriggled out of his reach, before quickly wrapping his arms around Sett’s neck and kissing him deeply just in time for the third.

The fourth photo was just sweet: Sett holding Aphelios tightly, both of them smiling widely at the camera, cheek to cheek and eyes shining. Sett had whispered ‘love you, mooncake’ right before the final shutter.

They decorated their photos carefully, Sett insisting on using the little devil horns and halo stickers for Aphelios, the frames soon filling with hokey little hearts and cartoon characters. They availed themselves of the privacy of the photobooth and the time they needed to wait for the photos to print to make out like teenagers, Phel had his beast-man shoved against the wall with his hands up his shirt in no time flat. They were crazy about each other.

Even so, they didn’t want to keep their friends waiting too long, and so once he heard the printing complete, Aphelios broke away abruptly, grinning wickedly at the drunken, dazed look still obvious on the Vastayan’s face. Without mercy, he denied all of Sett’s begging for just a few more kisses, teasing him instead with promises of what they could do back in the hotel room later.

Those pictures ended up being Aphelios’ most treasured souvenir of the whole trip, perfectly encapsulating the magic of the early days of a first love. Magic so powerful that, at the time, it felt like nothing would ever break the spell.

🎶

So foolish, looking back. So hopelessly foolish.

But it would take more than a year before that magic bubble was pierced and reality intruded. Once they’d returned from their first trip to South Korea, Heartsteel hardly rested on their laurels. It felt like the success of Paranoia gave them an even fiercer drive to make their mark, and prove they weren’t some flash in the pan phenomenon. They worked hard, putting together an album as they did the circuit of press interviews, amassing a fanbase of Heartbeats they felt proud of.

But they played hard too. Their first Christmas together as a group was spent at a luxury ski resort, living it up and partying late, and in truth accomplishing little in the way of winter sports. Aphelios’ favorite part of that holiday season had been the low-key trip back home, where he’d joined Sett and his mother for his first family dinner officially as Sett’s boyfriend. Alune had of course come along as well, and teased him mercilessly for how nervous he’d gotten, despite meeting her so many times before. Even though he knew mother and son talked on the phone on a daily basis and Momma had heard no shortage of stories of Sett’s new romance, Aphelios had still fretted about impressing her. His anxiety had only quieted when Momma had said what she was most thankful for that year was how their little family felt like it had grown by two members, that this was the happiest she’d ever seen her son.

The intervening year was filled with many visits to Momma’s cottage, and even a trip back to Aphelios and Alune’s American hometown to introduce Sett to their aunt Diana. If family dinner with Momma had wracked Aphelios’ nerves, bringing Sett to the closest thing he had to a home had initially felt like torture, even though Diana was equally happy for the lovers.

The Vastayan had learned how to be much more respectful about inquiring into the twins’ past, but meeting the woman who’d been their guardian for years felt like taking a stroll through a minefield, and Aphelios could never find the right words or the right time to pry the lid off what he’d kept so carefully compartmentalized. Bringing Sett into this world, even its periphery, Aphelios dreaded triggering something and having the mess of his childhood detonate in his face.

One day… one day he promised he would tell Sett everything. To his great relief though, Diana hardly alluded to their youth. She’d never been one to tip over that can of worms, and she was no fan of her sister or her brother-in-law, either.

In the end, the introduction had gone rather smoothly, although Sett had no doubt noticed the genetic component of neurodivergence, and perhaps the love of fish. Maybe the reason why there was no time to unearth the dark trauma of the past was that Diana had been too busy explaining her various fish tanks—one thing from his youth that Aphelios remembered fondly—followed by many, many explanations of the marine biology work she did, studying aquatic biodiversity in relation to the tides, hardly pulling her punches and wholly uncaring that she was lecturing laymen. Alune had whispered to Aphelios after the third dinner completely consumed by lunar fish talk that it seemed like Auntie was just happy to have warm bodies to talk to, her fish companions offering little conversation, and being in an ‘off again’ phase with her on-and-off girlfriend, Leona.

The best part of that trip had been the covert sex they’d had in Aphelios’ teenage basem*nt bedroom, with little glow-in-the-dark-stars painted on the ceiling there, too. Sett, always loving, had been especially adoring that night, enchanted by his boyfriend who’d demonstrated the unexpected ability to play the violin extremely well.

At first, he’d asked why Aphelios had left the instrument behind, when he’d brought his guitars, basses, synthesizer, and other instruments in the move to the Heartsteel house, joking that maybe he was finally less than perfect at something musical. The ensuing private concert had proved otherwise, the Vastayan moved to literal tears by the beauty of Aphelios’ playing. ‘You’re so f*cking amazing Phel,’ Sett had said, mesmerized.

After such an astonishing display of talent, an obvious question hung in the air: why don’t you play violin anymore? But over the months together, Sett had gotten to know how to read his lover, and had decided not to ask. Maybe he’d caught sight of the pit it dug in Aphelios’ heart. Every time he held a violin, a little abyss of grief yawned open within him.

No, Sett had kindly not said a word about it, but the way he’d touched Aphelios that afternoon had spoken eloquently enough, the abyss sealed back up and giving way to overwhelming gratitude. Words hadn’t been found for that either, and instead, the sheer happiness Aphelios felt in Sett’s arms was expressed in a few crystalline tears that rolled down his cheeks, kissed away as Sett filled him and held him and told him how much he loved him.

It was times like these, where Sett loved him so tenderly and so persistently that Aphelios would wonder if he was the one person capable of helping him recover… recover the parts of him he’d left somewhere back in time, fragments he’d had pare away through numbness to survive, but without them he would never feel totally whole.

Could he ask that of Sett? It would be awful work. Would Sett be willing to try?

🎶

That summer was incredible, and busy. Heartsteel’s second single and full album release left little time for anything else, but somehow the boys still managed to find time to take trips to the beach all together, and somewhere along the way Ezreal and Kayn sorted out the most obvious of their posturing. The signs were subtle; they still bickered like kids in the school yard, but they stopped pretending like they weren’t hanging out alone, going out on what any person with eyes and a brain would call dates.

And somehow, Aphelios found time to teach Sett how to write his own songs, not just the catchy raps, but entire compositions, and how to make them come to life in Basem*ntBand. And they always managed to find time, nearly on a weekly basis, to return to that serene mountaintop and listen to music together.

🎶

Aphelios watched Sett as he reclined on the picnic blanket, looking out at the stars and the night-lit city below the overlook, twiddling a toothpick between his lips. He felt the slight weight of the small surprise he’d brought in his pocket, a little something to celebrate their first anniversary, but as he wondered if now was the right time to give it to his boyfriend, Sett spoke.

“You ever think about all the stuff up there?” he asked, gesturing with his chin to the night sky.

Aphelios smiled fondly, scooching over on the blanket into the Vastayan’s arms, settling against his body and looking up at the same celestial firmament.

“Sometimes,” he agreed. “I mostly like the stories behind them.”

“That’s why you paint ‘em on your ceilings, huh?” Sett cuddled him. “But it’s pretty freaky thinkin’ about the actual stuff, right? Like all the gas ‘n the meteorites ‘n sh*t. I was watchin’ MeTV videos the other day ‘cause I started wonderin’ ‘bout what happens to all the sh*t that goes inside a black hole.”

Aphelios laughed. Many people dismissed the beast-man as some kind of simplistic oaf, just because of the way he talked, or his interest in fitness. But Phel had rarely met anyone as canny as Sett, and he loved hearing about what was going through Sett’s mind when it wandered. Far from being empty white noise, it could be anything from the macros of asparagus that he knew by heart, to spoofs on popular song lyrics, to things like this: questions about the universe that masqueraded as shower thoughts, but were actually pretty profound.

“Good question,” Aphelios told him.

“Right?” Set’s boyish excitement was palpable. “‘Cause like… does it all just get destroyed? It would have to be annihilated, into nothin’. But I didn’t think that was possible either… ‘n like how far back does it go? Is it like a lil sock? What if it’s like a garbage disposal for another dimension?”

“I don’t know,” Phel told him honestly. “I’ve never really thought about it. Did the videos explain it?”

“Uh, kinda… from what I got, they’re like… distortions in time ‘n the stuff that goes in ‘em does get destroyed, dunno how that’s possible to be honest, but black holes also give off radiation, which is basically like info about all the stuff that went in. So if you collected all the radiation particles, then apparently it’s possible you could reconstruct whatever it was that went in.”

“Wait, so the things it destroyed completely could still be put back together again?”

“Yep,” Sett said proudly, as if it was his discovery. “Doesn’t make sense, right? Broke my little brain tryin’ to think through that one, ‘n I’m still not sure I get it. But then I got to thinkin’ about dimensions ‘n universes ‘n stuff like that, ‘cause I still don’t get how somethin’ can reach the end of time… you ever think there might be more than one universe?”

Aphelios laughed again. “One feels like plenty…”

“Nah, that’s no fun… what if there’s lots,” Sett continued, clearly enjoying himself, enjoying these moments on the mountaintop with his sweetheart. “Like what if some of ‘em are completely different? But what if there’re ones that are pretty much the same? I love thinkin’ about that stuff, but I better be the most jacked outta all the other Setts!”

“Maybe there’s one where your email to me went into my junk folder and I never checked it, so Heartsteel never forms and we’re all just still doing our own things–”

“Nope, not a chance,” Sett grinned, pulling Aphelios in closer. “No matter what, I think every version of me finds his version of you, ‘n falls in love. There’s no universe where we ain’t together.”

“Is that so?” Aphelios cupped Sett’s cheek, guiding him down for a smiling kiss.

“Yep, don’t need science to prove it either. And past lives? Easy. We met in those too, every single one. ‘Cause there’s no way this is the first time I’ve loved you.”

Aphelios’ heartbeat stuttered, with the gentle, irregular rhythm of a stone skipping across the surface of a calm pond. He smiled again, combing his long fingers deeply through Sett’s red hair.

“And what was your experiment criteria?” he teased Sett even as his cheeks and ears went pink, his eyes shining like rubies under moonlight as he looked into his favourite face.

“I told ya, we don’t need science for this. But all the proof I needed was how easy it was to fall in love with ya, like I’d done it a hundred times before. Can’t argue with that, right? I say so, and I’m the Boss,” the Vastayan declared proudly, even as Aphelios giggled at the endearing corniness.

“Alright Boss,” Aphelios let Sett shift on top of him, caging him underneath, between his arms. “I won’t argue. Especially not with a line like ‘I think I’ve loved you before.’”

Sett agreed that it had been pretty smooth, but before Aphelios let him take the feast of kisses he was angling for, the young man stopped him gently, digging the surprise out his pocket, holding up the small velvet bag and watching the beast-man’s slitted pupils widen even further.

“I have something for you, for our anniversary,” Aphelios explained. “Maybe there’s a universe without paparazzi or tabloids, where we wouldn’t have to be so private about things. I know it can be really hard, especially for you…”

It was hard. To keep things secret, to have to tolerate stupid questions like what about the rumours about you and Qiyana? and Sett having to answer through evasion instead of pointing directly to his boyfriend and declaring, ‘no, I love him.’ In all likelihood, Aphelios thought that, if it was just up to Sett, the beast-man would be happy to weather the publicity storm and just confirm it, and that it was only him that was holding onto the precious luxury (and perhaps the illusion) of privacy, however scant.

Sett sat back on his haunches and shook out the contents of the little bag into his palm. A pair of rings came out; one a large metal band with a chain running through the middle, the smaller one a slimmer piece of jewelry that consisted of just the chain.

“Oh, mooncake,” Sett’s tail was already slapping hard against the blanket as he understood the gift. He put the bigger one on his ring finger. It fit perfectly. “I love it so much… can’t believe you bought me a ring before I could! This is the part when you ask me to marry you ‘n I say ‘yes! A thousand times, yes!’ right?”

Aphelios laughed at the joke. “Not quite yet, you big silly. Give me a chance to save up for a really, really big diamond first.”

They both giggled, and Sett pulled Phel close, kissing him, and putting the smaller matching band on Aphelios’ slim ring finger. Sett took a moment to admire it, grinning and complimenting his own job painting Aphelios’ nails for him earlier that day–he’d come a long way from when he’d paint as much skin as nail and Aphelios would have to fix it with a Q-tip—before he eclipsed Aphelios’ hand with his much larger one, their fingers intertwining.

“Part of the gift is that you can wear it in public, if you wanted,” Aphelios told him bashfully. “Thank you for being so understanding about why I want our privacy, as much as we can hope to have. But if this makes them talk, then, let them talk. I never want you to feel like I’m ashamed of this. Is this a good middle ground?”

The expression Sett was wearing morphed several times as Aphelios spoke; adoration, emotion, sadness, and pride all showing through in turns, like a beam of light split through a prism.

“You don’t need to do this for me, babe,” Sett protested in a soft murmur, smoothing Phel’s bangs away from his face affectionately. “I know you don't think of this as a dirty secret, ‘n I don’t blame you at all for wantin’ to keep things low-key…”

“I know you don’t, but I also know it’s not easy for you, either. I gave this to you because I wanted to, though. And I bought its companion because I wanted that, too. I love being your boyfriend, Sett. In this universe and any others that might be out there.”

They gazed at each other for a moment, besotted, but Sett could only keep the eye contact briefly, before his sensitive, romantic side was overwhelmed, and he pulled Phel close, stuffing his face into the crook of his neck.

“It is real hard sometimes,” Sett spoke, after a while of letting his boyfriend hold him and soothe him. “I totally get why it’ll be a whole clusterf*ck if we were open about it… but you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, Phel. And sometimes it’s just real hard to feel like I gotta keep it all in, gotta tolerate when people ask me about hot chicks ‘n sh*t like that. All I wanna do is yap all day long about how f*ckin’ cool you are, how much I love you.”

“You want to yap about how cool I am?” Aphelios grinned impishly.

Sett lifted his head, wiped his nose, and smiled back. “Yeah, non-f*ckin’-stop. But I gotta hold it in! It ain’t fair!”

“Well,” Aphelios’ grin only sharpened, worsened by how smitten Sett looked, staring at him like that with his watery eyes and bowed ears. “I’m a good listener…”

Chuckling, Sett pulled him in tight and squeezed him. “Mr. Ego over here, askin’ me to shower him with compliments… what am I supposed to do with ya?”

“Indulge me, of course.” Peals of soft giggles as the playful egomaniac was deposited tenderly back onto the picnic blanket, Sett climbing on top of him and staring down at him like he’d never seen anything so perfect.

“Alright, bet,” Sett punctuated his promise with nips to an earlobe and a sensitive patch of neck. “I hope you’re okay with no sleep ‘cause I’m gonna need all night. Now, where to start… maybe I talk ‘bout how Aphelios Ahn has the most perfect bellybutton in the whole wide world, how he’s got this cute as f*ck little freckle right beside it, perfect place to–”

Aphelios’ shirt was yanked up in a sneak attack, Sett’s lips blowing a loud raspberry on said freckle as his boyfriend laughed and squirmed hard, playfully trying to fight off the much stronger beast-man who was now rhapsodizing about how sexy his toned stomach was, launching another attack until Aphelios was shaking with hiccups and his arms felt like wet noodles, his muscles had gone weak from laughing so hard. Predictably, Sett found the hiccups adorable, and they persisted even as they began to kiss each other deeply.

When Sett attempted to ‘help’ his boyfriend by startling Aphelios, all the jumpscare earned the Vastayan was getting chased around the mountaintop overlook by a very non-threatening, still-hiccupping Aphelios, who only relented when he managed to sneak up on Sett and scare him twice as bad, getting his revenge.

Finally, when it was far past a reasonable time to go home, they cleaned up their belongings and packed the car, taking one last look at the moon and stars and all the ‘weird stuff up there,’ before they got in the car to drive home.

“Thank you for the ring,” Sett leaned in for one last kiss, picking a leaf out of Aphelios’ hair that must have gotten there while they were chasing each other. “I hope you know I ain’t never gonna take it off.”

“Good,” Aphelios replied simply. “That means you’ll never stop being mine.”

“It’s true.” Aphelios was good at mischievous smugness, but when he saw Sett looking at him the way he was, he felt his heart go molten, melting with the inundation of adoration. “I’m so yours Phel, it’s almost sad. You better never leave me, or else I’ll be like the world’s most pathetic lost puppy. Wouldn’t even know what to do with myself. Maybe I’d turn into a little black hole ‘n start destroyin’ everything in my path, wouldn’t even be able to help it.”

“Don’t worry Settrigh,” Aphelios whispered, bestowing a lingering, lovely kiss on Sett’s fond smile. “I’ll never leave you. I promise.”

🎶

By the end of autumn, Heartsteel was on their first tour, two months travelling across North and South America, somehow managing not to kill each other despite the close quarters, although Aphelios would readily admit that touring took a toll on him. Alune hadn’t been able to come with them, instead she’d stayed behind for her MBA; long tedious hours of study and hard work and yet probably not nearly as annoying as wrangling six idiots. But Aphelios hadn’t been sure he could handle the pressure without her.

He was pleasantly surprised at how Yone often filled in for how Alune had looked out for him, making sure Aphelios had eaten and slept well, ensuring he had ways to get some peace and quiet when he needed them. And Sett… Sett so ably and enthusiastically became his anchor, their relationship only felt stronger. It was like a dream, one Aphelios often struggled to believe he deserved, or would last. They hardly even fought, and never anything as bad as what had happened in Korea. It seemed like every day, Sett was committed to proving that everything he’d promised back then was real, and never again took it personally when the young man needed time alone.

As a consequence, Aphelios found it easy to respond by filling the space Sett gave him with an abundance of love. They shared secrets they’d never told anyone else, giggling with each other in the dead of night under the covers. A few times, Aphelios had gotten so close to explaining everything, to filling in all the blanks he knew Sett was so curious about. But their happiness was almost like an obstacle; he didn’t want to besmirch it, or risk adding extra stress when the tour could be gruelling enough. One day… the time would be right…

Trying to find another expression for his affection instead, Aphelios took to leaving romantic little notes in the form of origami creatures, messages that ranged from telling the beast-man how insanely sexy he was, to thanking him for changing his life. Of course, Sett was over the moon every time he was surprised by one of these little missives, but one day he also shyly confessed he felt bad about unfolding them but still wanted to read them. From then on, Aphelios had always made sure to write the note on a separate piece of paper that the little origami creature would hold instead, like some kind of precious package. He felt no reservations in telling the Vastayan how talented he thought he was, how compassionate, how funny, how smart, how handsome… Sett deserved to hear those things and feel special and wanted every day.

And Sett evidently deserved to be pranked too, along with every other member of Heartsteel. Aphelios’ pranks on tour became the stuff of legend, though his personal favourite was the time he'd told Sett he knew a great trick, and the poor, unsuspecting Vastayan had eagerly trusted his boyfriend. As Kayn looked on in bemusem*nt, (which should have been Sett’s first clue something was off), Aphelios had told him to lift his arms, palms down, making magical, mysterious gestures as he balanced two full water bottles on the back of Sett’s outstretched hands, before standing back and looking at him, an unreadable expression on his face.

Sett had patiently waited for the trick for a whole thirty seconds, looking back and forth between Kayn and his boyfriend, before asking if something was supposed to happen. Aphelios had just told him again and again to keep waiting for it… the trick would happen soon…

Sett broke a sweat trying to keep the bottles from spilling, unable to move or set them down himself, Aphelios egging him on and Kayn telling him not to f*ck it up, before the inevitable happened and they all got yelled at by Yone for soaking the dressing room couch. Even then, Sett had asked what the trick was supposed to be, and Aphelios had told the poor trusting beast-man that it was making the easiest $20 of his life, as he held out his hand and Kayn reluctantly put money into it. The rapper had bet Aphelios he couldn’t get anyone gullible enough to go along with balancing water bottles on their hands for more than thirty seconds, and Aphelios had gotten Sett to do it for two minutes. As emotional compensation, Phel had repented and given his ill-gotten $20 to Sett, promising him high-quality ear scratchies that night.

It seemed impossible to be happier. It seemed impossible that this happiness would end either, it came so easily.

Aphelios had never given much thought to the notion of soulmates, especially since having Alune felt like the other half of his soul was already walking through life with him. But by winter, Aphelios was not only sure of the existence of soulmates, but that Sett was his.

Deep down, he knew he would never love anyone like this again. That he would never be loved like this again, either. Sett often joked that not only was Heartsteel a musical phenomenon, but that he should figure out how he’d managed to bring together three perfect matches. If he could, he’d make millions selling his matchmaking algorithm, connecting everyone with the guaranteed love of their life.

But then, he would always add that, in all honesty, he didn’t think what he had with Aphelios could be replicated or patented. Probably, no one had been as in love as they were, not ever in the history of the galaxy. (“No offense, K’Sante and Yone” Sett would always say after this declaration).

Life was so good, so sweet. It's comforts and joys were enough that, finally, Aphelios was lulled into letting his guard down, letting himself begin to believe that he could stop waiting for the other shoe to drop… that perhaps he really had gotten his life’s allotment of suffering out of the way young, and it was okay to immerse himself the gift of this encompassing love from the most wonderful man he’d ever met.

Even so, as he blew out the candles on the cake for his and Alune’s 27th birthday, he secretly wished for it to never end, praying to the universe that this happiness could remain his. Begging for it to never be taken from him.

🎶

Aphelios hesitated before tearing open the envelope from his aunt, closing the door of his bedroom to make sure he wouldn’t be disturbed. His birthday had only been a few weeks ago, so in all likelihood the small packet was some belated festive thing. But what felt off was that Diana had called them already in February, wishing both twins a happy birthday, and she wasn’t exactly the card sending type. Besides, this was addressed only to him, and not his sister as well.

The envelope contained another envelope, covered in hangul and South Korean postage markings. Diana had put a post-it note on the front, but all it said was that his parents had forwarded this to her for him, and that he needed to open it.

As he suspected, then. It could be nothing good.

But, curiously, the original senders were not his parents. The original letter had been addressed to him, but at their family home in Korea. The sender’s address meant nothing to him, though the whole thing felt very official, everything typed neatly, no trace of human interference, except for where his parents had already opened it, presumably to verify if it was something their son truly needed to see.

Dread coiled in Aphelios’ stomach, sitting heavily like a snake made of cold mud. He felt vaguely nauseous. In the space of a deep breath to fortify himself, something triggered in the back of his mind and suddenly he realized he knew what this was. His hand shook as he pulled out the letter, printed on the official letterhead of the South Korean government.

He wasn’t even finished reading the first sentence, and his heart was already broken.

The letter informed him that, as a man with Korean citizenship, he was required to enlist by the end of the summer to perform his mandatory military service, or else he would be considered derelict in his duty and sent to jail if he ever set foot in Korea again.

🎶

“How could you not know?” Alune hissed at him, or rather, the pile of blankets trembling and emitting choked sobbing sounds that she assumed was her poor brother. He’d locked his door, texting Alune that he needed her to come over as soon as she could, that it was an emergency. He had no idea how long it had taken her to actually get there, but it felt like the panic attack he’d been having had already lasted hours. He’d hardly been able to calm down enough to unlock his door and shove the letter in her face.

“You didn’t know either!” he croaked back at her, so indignant it lent temporary power to his voice. He felt betrayed that she was even questioning him, like this was just something that had slipped his mind out of carelessness. But her confused frustration burned even deeper, because it echoed his own utter disbelief that he could have ever let this blind-side him.

“I’m sorry Phel,” she softened immediately. He felt her weight get closer on his bed, her hand petting the mound of blankets he was concealed within. “I’m so sorry. I’m just… I’m shocked. I thought… I just assumed that because we moved here so young… I mean, you’re a permanent resident of the U.S., right? This is some kind of mistake.”

Doesn’t matter, he poked a hand out from underneath the covers long enough to sign. He could feel her digesting that information, as he had had to. He heard her open her phone and type something, probably searching the rules for expatriates, like he had, when in his mind-numbed stupor he’d been sure it had to be a clerical mistake, too.

“Oh…” His sister’s quiet, devastated voice told him she’d seen what he’d seen, what had caused him to spiral into the worst panic attack he’d ever had. The law was clear, and had been updated recently, too. As if to spite men specifically in his situation. If you were a man with Korean citizenship who’d lived in Korea for at least three years at any point, you had to enlist. It didn’t matter that Aphelios had left at 15, that he had a green card, that he never planned on living in Korea ever again.

None of it mattered.

“You have to help me, I can't do this,” he managed to get out before his voice broke, and he began to sob.

For a long time, his sister just held him over the covers as he wept.

“There will be options, brother,” she said at long last, once his tears had quieted. “We just need to talk to other people who have been able to get out of it. It’s not fair, you don’t even live there!”

Aphelios couldn’t answer. He could barely understand what she was saying. All he wanted to hear was that she had a plan, he knew it wasn’t fair to put this on her, but he just couldn’t think. His head was too full of screaming, incoherent static. Emotions would distinguish themselves out of the maelstrom, briefly. Panic. Fear. Strongest of all: complete and utter self-loathing. But mostly his head was just a seething mess.

If he couldn’t figure this out, it would ruin everything… it would ruin Heartsteel… it would ruin…

How could he ever face Sett?

Alune cooed and shhh’ d gently as he sobbed afresh, the evidence of the violent crying was in the way his body shook and his breath was strangled, because his voice had long since gone silent.

“We’ll try for medical exemption,” she murmured as she hugged him. Her tone was of firm assurance, even just hearing it, Aphelios felt the first grain of hope. It wasn’t much, but it was more than he’d been able to summon, and it felt like a plan. “You may as well try to use your throat problems to get out of it if you can. And Heartsteel is huge now! Maybe they’ll grant you exemption for that? And, if all else fails, just let them do a mental health assessment and there’s no way they’ll let you in.”

Aphelios couldn’t help but give a little laugh at his twin’s joke, perhaps a laugh in concept only since it had no sound, and shook his body the same way a sob would. Gingerly, Alune peeled back the blanket cocoon, and Aphelios let her. She made no remark on the wreck he knew he looked like. Instead, she just took him tightly into her arms, stroking his hair matted with sweat and tears.

“I love you so much. I’ll help you figure this out, I promise. It will be okay.”

He sniffled, reaching to hold her back, almost believing her.

“I’ve never seen you as happy as you have been,” she continued. “The past year, I feel like everyone has gotten to know you, the real you that I always saw parts of. You deserve to be that happy, and I’ll fight to keep it that way for you. It may only be by ten minutes, but I’m your older sister and I’ll always protect my baby brother. I’m not going to let anyone take this away from you. You know I’d do anything for you.”

Aphelios almost found the willpower to joke back if that meant she was willing to fight the entire South Korean government, knowing she’d probably fiercely answer yes. But as he processed her words, he just felt worse. He knew she’d been trying to cheer him up, but it just gouged him deeper… how much he stood to lose because of something so profoundly out of their control.

He had to fix it. Losing all of this wasn’t an option. He wouldn’t survive a loss like this.

He lifted his head, forcing himself to meet her eyes and keep her gaze.

Promise me you won’t tell anyone for now, he pleaded with her, sniffling hard. I’m not asking you as our manager, I’m begging you as your brother. Please? Promise me.

“Phel…” Her obvious hesitation was not heartening. “They would understand, they’d probably even try to help you. You need to tell them, especially Sett.”

Aphelios just stared at her, not budging.

“You’re really not going to tell him?” She sounded horrified, maybe deservedly so. “That’s not okay, Phel! You have to tell him!”

I will, he assured her, and he did mean it. Obviously, even if he intended to hide it, the time he could do so was finite. But promise me you won’t tell them before I do. And promise me you’ll give me time to try and fix it first.

“That makes no sense… how are you going to fix it without telling them? Won’t you have to go to Korea to do your medical assessment? Can’t you just rely on people for once? What more do they need to do to earn your trust!?”

Give me time. I need to fix this. That’s all I’m asking.

Alune looked at him, dumbfounded, before sudden comprehension dawned on her. “Ah. It’s not about not trusting them. You think this is somehow your fault, that you’ve ruined things.”

Aphelios could no longer meet her eyes, and even though he must have had no moisture left in his body, his eyes burned with more impending tears. Why did she need to say this now? He couldn’t handle being psychoanlyzed at the best of times, but this felt as if she might as well have slapped him in the face.

“You know that people will love you even if you’re not perfect, right? You think I love you so much because you’re perfect? Or that Sett loves you because he thinks you’re perfect? Well, bad example, ‘cause he probably does think you’re perfect–”

Enough. Just promise me. No more fooling around, no lightening the mood.

Looking pained, Alune seemed on the verge of denying him, or perhaps insisting he go downstairs and tell everyone right that moment. But he had almost never begged her for anything like this… really, it had only been once before. When he’d begged her to leave Korea with him and accept Diana’s offer of a safe home. He watched her resolve crumble. He’d always been more stubborn than she was, and that was saying a lot.

She heaved a sigh, resigned. He knew he could trust her before she even opened her mouth to speak.

“Okay… okay. I’ll give you time to get ready to tell them yourself. But you have to give them time to plan. The record executives will want to know, too. You can’t leave it too long, Phel. And Sett…”

Don’t say it, please…

Sett will be heartbroken. Sett will be so worried. Sett won’t understand. Whatever his twin had been about to say, Aphelios knew he could not bear it.

She obliged him, and did not speak it aloud. He wished it was that easy… that simply by not acknowledging it in words, none of it would be real.

🎶

“Have you talked with Sett yet?” Alune sounded like she was speaking at a funeral, instead of a coffee shop in Seoul. It might as well have been a funeral, Aphelios certainly felt like something had died inside him in that doctor’s office.

Aphelios shook his head. He kept his eyes fixed on the iced coffee in front of him, but did not drink. He felt like if he tried to put something down his throat, he’d just throw up. All he’d said to Sett was that he’d arrived safely, and that he would probably be very busy. Pure cowardice…

“Okay…” She was picking her words carefully, talking around her brother like he was a live bomb about to blow up. That felt accurate. “I think… we should visit a lawyer here. We can ask about a cultural exemption for you, for Heartsteel. They can help us file the paperwork…”

It won’t work, he signed mechanically. He felt adrift, sinking slowly to the bottom of a dark sea. I looked up people who’ve been exempted and it won’t work. I’m not an athlete or an esports player. And people like ‘Realest’ only got exemption after he won nearly every pro Company of Champions tournament. They don’t even exempt K-Pop idols. You think they’re going to give a pass to some guy who can’t sing?

“So… you’ll accept enlistment?” Alune said it neutrally, just to clarify, but the question felt like a criminal accusation.

Aphelios could not bring himself to answer. It was all he could do to not smash anything he could get his hands on, shrieking at the top of his lungs in his horrific, ruined voice.

He would never sing again, and could barely sustain a conversation. And the one time he’d wanted it to count for something, it hadn’t mattered. He’d been given a clean physical assessment, clean enough that there was ‘no reason he couldn’t enlist.’ Maybe if he was completely mute, the doctor had explained. Hearing that, Aphelios has seriously contemplated tearing out his vocal cords with his bare hands. If it meant he could stay with Heartsteel… with Sett, who he knew would love him no less for being mute… his voice now felt like the smallest price to pay.

“...Phel…?”

Finally, he managed to command his body long enough to get it to shake its head ‘no.’

“Okay. Then I’ll look up lawyers. We can just go back to the hotel today, so you can rest.”

At length, a nod.

“Do you want me to message Sett for you? He’s been asking me if everything’s okay. He seems to be convinced we’re here for a funeral…”

A long silence. Still Aphelios could not lift his eyes, they were too weighed by shame. His teeth felt like they were about to crack with how hard he was gritting them.

“I don’t want to lecture you,” Alune lectured him, “but I don’t get why it’s easier to tell everyone our emergency trip back here was for ‘family stuff.’ Much less when you know that Sett especially would want to be here to support you if we really were here for family stuff. He’s worried sick. I know you’re hurting, but that’s all the more reason you should let him be here for you. It’s not okay to leave him in the dark like this either…”

Aphelios refused to answer, and experimented with willfully making himself go deaf as his sister spoke. At last, Alune got the message. He was too overwhelmed to care that she was obviously disappointed with him, as she should be. What did it matter if he f*cked up one more thing? There was a great chance it was all ruined anyway.

“Don’t give up hope, alright?” Alune said presciently, softening. Then, recognizing her brother had already completely shut down, she collected their belongings and their drinks, and said nothing more as she guided them back to their hotel. It felt like the only relief Aphelios had experienced since receiving the enlistment letter a week ago was when he was unconscious, and he was grateful when Alune let him sleep for the rest of the day and through the night.

🎶

The long flight back to America was excruciating, but perhaps the most painful part of the whole trip was the arrival home. When Aphelios saw Sett waiting to pick them up, two bouquets in his hands, he came close to bursting into tears. It was just like Sett to do that, to be so thoughtful about something so mundane. Alune got a beautiful bouquet of pink lilies. The flowers for Aphelios were a half-dozen blue roses.

“So happy to have ya home safe, mooncake.” In Sett’s embrace, Aphelios wanted to fall apart; ironically, Sett made him feel strong enough to do so. But stubbornly, Aphelios pretended at perfect, stable strength, refusing to acknowledge anything was horribly f*cked. He was still doing his best to outrun it all, he hadn't even processed any of it, and he probably wouldn’t until he got an email back from the lawyer they’d consulted in Korea.

“You get everything sorted with your family?” Sett checked, missing the dubious look Alune shot at her brother, who merely nodded.

I’m sorry, Aphelios signed, knowing his demeanour was that of a little rain cloud, even though he was genuinely happy to see Sett again. I’m so, so tired.

“No worries, bunny. Gonna get you two home stat, ‘n you guys can sleep as long as ya want. The jet lag comin’ back has got real hands, I know that much.”

The Vastayan was so happy, even in his fugue Aphelios could tell how excited he was to be able to have his sweetheart back with him, itching to spoil him and dote on him if he was feeling ragged from long-distance travel. Sett chatted amiably as he drove them home, eager to update the twins on all the things that had happened while they were gone for a week. Which wasn’t much, truthfully, but now that Aphelios stood to lose it all, it sounded like heaven.

Kayn had set off the smoke alarm three separate times, Sett regaled. K’Sante and Yone had won a local drop-in pickleball tournament (the prize was free pickleball court time, which Sett thought was pretty bogus as far as prizes went). It was so obvious that the beast-man had been missing them so much and dying to make them feel included, that Aphelios could not help but be endeared by these slices of routine, even through his sour mood. As he listened to his boyfriend update him on the tank maintenance he’d diligently done to ensure all their little fishies were in prime health, Aphelios even found himself able to forget about the foreboding so strong it felt akin to being slowly crushed to death… at least for a few moments.

🎶

“Babe, can we talk?”

Aphelios managed to keep the hitch out of his body language, but he kept his eyes carefully trained on the plants he was pruning and fertilizing in the Heartsteel aquarium. The Vastayan had been watching him check over the fish tank, happy when Aphelios complimented what a good job he’d done taking care of it, but Sett had hardly left his side since he’d returned home the day before. It felt a bit above and beyond just being missed… the beast-man was being clingy, and Aphelios could not say he was all that surprised there was something wrong. He knew he’d been retreating since receiving the letter, he knew he had to be triggering Sett’s insecurities that had been assuaged for so long.

“I’ve been struggling a bit,” Sett admitted, his voice full of love even in this moment. It made Aphelios feel awful. “I’ve always been real careful about makin’ sure I gave you your privacy when it came to family stuff, ‘n I know you been lettin’ me in a little more too… like I loved meetin’ your aunt last year. But I can tell somethin’ real big is goin’ on for you, ‘n it’s real hard to not know.”

The sunlit living room was quiet, and the fish tank filter was burbling softly. When Sett embraced him from behind, it should have felt like perfect serenity, but Aphelios was in hell. He leaned into the hug against his boyfriend, laying his hands atop of Sett’s, closing his eyes so tears wouldn’t fall.

“I don’t wanna know just for the sake of it,” Sett explained, his voice getting thick with emotion. “I wanna know because I feel like you’re hurtin’ real bad. And I’m the one that’s promised to be there for you, for everything. I feel like I’m lettin’ ya down, ‘cause I dunno what to do to help ya. And that scares me too, ‘cause I can feel ya gettin’ far from me…”

The tears didn’t listen, one streaked down Aphelios’ cheek. He knew as soon as he turned around, Sett would see, and it would break his heart.

“I just wanna tell you, I know you need your time to process stuff, ‘n I’m okay with that. This isn’t me pressurin’ you. But I wanted to tell ya straight up…” Sett paused, clearing his throat gently, evidently trying hard not to cry himself. “I wanted to promise you that I’ll always be here for ya, even if I dunno what it’s for, you can lean on me ‘n I’ll keep ya safe from everything while you figure it all out. I hope you’ll feel like I can help ya with the figurin’ out one day, but I just wanted to remind ya. I’m always gonna be here, I’m always gonna love you.”

Aphelios wanted nothing more than to spill everything out into the open right then, to tell his boyfriend that he’d f*cked up so bad, and would probably have to leave for a long time, even though he knew that Sett’s worst fear was to be left behind. He wanted to say it so much. He wanted to trust that Sett wouldn’t hate him when he dumped this unsolvable burden into his lap.

Sett deserved to know, but that was because Sett deserved the world. He deserved to be happy and feel adored and have a boyfriend who didn’t sulk around and keep secrets and lie through cowardice… who wouldn’t have to leave for as long as two years, begging Sett to be okay with waiting in a lonely cage for his return, when he didn’t even know who he would be when he came home.

That was what held his tongue. Aphelios would never be able to ask that from Sett, especially since he knew the beast-man would turn himself inside out and let his heart break over and over in order to obey.

Aphelios hadn’t heard back from the lawyer yet, but he knew what the answer would be anyway. When he got it, he had an inkling of what he would have to do. But demanding that Sett wait for him in abject misery was not one in his plans… anything but that.

Sett’s head drooped into the crook of Aphelios’ neck, and he could hear him take a deep breath, probably inhaling his smell to calm down. Something about the gesture, even though Sett probably held him tight and insisted on sniffing his fill of his lover at least once a day… this time it felt poignantly of a goodbye.

No… there was no way this could be how it would end.

Maybe there was something more they could do, Aphelios had no clue what, but perhaps it was worth a try, to rely on Sett like he’d never relied on anyone other than his twin. There had to be some deus ex machina twist that would spare Aphelios, because it made no sense for the universe to bring together two people so suited for each other, just to force them apart. Aphelios’ enlistment date was almost exactly their two year anniversary. Even though Aphelios was no stranger to unfairness, this was beyond the pale.

He turned in Sett’s arms, taking his boyfriend’s face in his hands, unable to help but notice how wet his eyes were before he kissed him. Sett must have seen the evidence of Aphelios’ own tears on his face, but he accepted the kiss as a sort of wordless answer, wrapping his arms tightly around Phel’s torso, squeezing him and kissing him back fiercely, as if by force he could keep him this close and this safe forever.

He had to tell him, Aphelios decided in the moment. He would. Even though he could think of nothing he hated more than to burden Sett with this, he knew the show of trust and love would mean much more. Sett had earned it, Sett had been perfect—

The sound of thundering footsteps coming down the stairs interrupted them, and without thinking, they broke apart, wiping at their faces and hoping they didn’t look like they’d just been having an intense heart-to-heart.

“Go get ready lads,” K’Sante’s booming voice preceded him, though he was soon in sight, Yone closely in tow but much quieter. Both were dressed very nicely, and beaming. “We are taking everyone out for dinner, we have something special to tell you.”

Sett recovered quickly with ready jokes, even Aphelios was impressed at how adeptly he switched gears, raising no questions about what they’d just been doing. “Aw, are you guys gonna tell us you're pregnant? Heartsteel’s first baby, congratulations!”

K’Sante clapped him on the shoulder, laughing and telling his best friend to shut the f*ck up.

“The last thing we need is more children in this house,” Yone quipped, tossing his long ponytail over his shoulder.

Sett had to concede he had a point, and the banter between the three of them carried on for a few more minutes until they were scolded for not going to get dressed already. Aphelios felt in a daze, and, saying nothing, he followed his boyfriend up the stairs automatically, pondering whether he could reasonably feign illness and ask to just stay home.

He’d been so close to telling Sett, only to be interrupted. He felt his courage draining by the second. He wasn’t superstitious at all, but he couldn’t help but be unnerved by the excessively unfortunate timing.

Maybe he wasn’t meant to tell Sett.

Maybe this happiness had never really been intended for him to begin with.

He should have known he wouldn’t be able to get away with being such an embarrassing failure of a son, abandoning his parents with no consequences. It made sense that his inevitable divine punishment should come at the height of his ill-gotten joy.

🎶

Dinner was a fog, but at least Aphelios did a good enough job acting normal that no one remarked on his mood. Sometimes, all that kept him tethered to the moment was Sett’s hand holding his under the table.

And Aphelios wished he could have been more present for the dinner instead of drifting in and out of dissociation, because it was a happy occasion indeed, or should have been. Yone and K’Sante announced that they were engaged, and were going to get married that summer.

The reactions truly felt like those of a tightly knit family. Sett made a great but very playful show of feeling betrayed that his best bro hadn’t told him about the proposal before anyone else, but K’Sante had explained that was because he hadn’t known. Yone had been the one to bring it up, kind of like a romantic business proposal while they were talking before bed the night previous, exactly Yone’s style, they all had to admit. They didn’t even have rings yet, but they’d wanted each of their bandmates to be the first to know.

The wedding itself would be equally low-key, very private with only closest friends and family, definitely no media. The real celebration would probably be a prolonged honeymoon jet-setting on the trip of a lifetime. Still, everyone began contributing their own opinions for the matrimonial proceedings: Alune offered to take care of flowers and decorations, Ezreal demanded to be emcee, flower girl, and the live entertainment if they wanted him, unruffled when everyone immediately said no. Even Aphelios could not help but smile at that, and privately, he decided he would write his friends their own song as a wedding gift.

He had had to forcefully push the thoughts out of his head and stay present when he realized that if he even managed to write a song he thought was good enough for two of his favourite people, that it would probably be the last musical project he could work on before he was forced to leave.

Nevermind that with all this boisterous wedding talk, Aphelios caught Sett staring at him several times, looking at him like he’d hung the moon, absolutely smitten and no doubt getting ideas.

Aphelios pretended, he let himself indulge in the fantasy for the rest of the dinner. He internalized each precious moment, trying to burn it into his memory, pretending that maybe it really would be him and Sett next to the altar. He kept it up for hours, tenderly making love with Sett, watching as his boyfriend fell asleep with a little smile on his face. He pretended until he carefully climbed out of their bed, making sure the Vastayan did not wake. He pretended until he was out the door and in the complete privacy of the car.

And then, the tears came. He cried nearly all the way to his favourite mountaintop, where he sat and begged the stars to help him. If he could just stay with Heartsteel… if he could just be allowed to love Sett till the end of his days, he would never ask for anything ever again. A big wish, maybe. But life owed him this much, after the first fifteen years he’d endured.

It wasn’t fair…

It wasn’t fair.

When he had to go back or risk people worrying about where he’d gone, he drove recklessly down the dawn-lit mountain roads, uncaring what happened to him. It felt like it would make no difference, anything worth living for in his life was probably going to end soon. He held no hope for that lawyer’s letter, due any time.

But after he took a sharp corner a little faster than he should have, he pictured how people would react if he was hurt or killed. Heartsteel would be tainted forever, and the happiness of Yone and K’Sante’s wedding utterly ruined.

Sett might never recover, and that wasn’t just Aphelios flattering himself. He couldn’t imagine what it would feel like to fall asleep with your lover in your arms, only to wake up and find him missing, with no idea what was going on until the fatal car wreck in the mountains was discovered. Sett would have no idea why he’d left, if it was something he had or hadn’t done, if the crash had been intentional. It would destroy him.

And he knew it would kill Alune. Maybe not physically, but losing her twin would be as good as dying herself. It would shatter her heart irrevocably.

Aphelios put both hands on the steering wheel and let up on the gas, slowing the car and making sure he took the rest of the hairpin turns off the mountain safely.

No one was awake when he got home, which meant aside from the numbers on the odometer, no one would ever know he’d left. Sett was snoring contentedly when Aphelios checked on him, unable to keep himself from pressing a gentle kiss to his lover’s forehead. He’d get back into bed soon and get back to pretending, but he wanted to get his earbuds from his room first. If he could listen to a podcast instead of being alone with his thoughts, he had a decent chance of catching a few hours of sleep.

He was standing in his room, selecting an episode to listen to, when a notification popped up on his phone. An email, forwarded from the lawyer’s office they’d hired in Seoul. The subject line read Verdict on Military Exemption.

Aphelios’ heart was in his throat in an instant, and his hands were already trembling so bad that he had trouble clicking on the notification to expand it. He didn’t want to know what was inside, but neither could he stop himself from reading the attachment. He’d been sure he’d made his peace with the likely rejection of his application until he had the potential of actually seeing it. His heart was still deliriously screaming out the hope that he’d somehow be granted reprieve. He felt insane.

To Mr. Ahn Aphelios,

Your application for exemption from military service on the grounds of cultural contribution has been thoroughly reviewed. While we are aware of the activities of the musical group Heartsteel, and it brings us great esteem to know one of our citizens is involved in such a successful project, we have deemed that your contributions are insufficient grounds for exemption.

Please be advised that you are required to report for service by August 31, 2025 to avoid judiciary action–

Aphelios stopped reading, and his hand dropped to his side. He had an instantaneous spark of desire to throw his phone as hard as he could, and smash the pieces of it into smaller pieces, into dust. But he couldn’t make his body work. He just stood there, like a robot whose circuits had rusted.

That was it, then.

That was it.

He would wait, at least until after the wedding. He didn’t want to ruin that. But the choice had been made for him.

He would quit Heartsteel. He would break up with Sett.

He would leave their lives that he should have never been involved with in the first place. He had never been meant to be happy like this. All life wanted from him was to be a faithful, obedient son, serving his parents and their Church, serving his country with stalwart duty when the time came. This was never supposed to be his life, no matter how hard he’d worked for it.

In time, they would get over it, even Sett. Probably, they’d all be so angry when they found out that they’d make it easier on him, and force him to leave the band. This was unforgivable, he knew. And if Sett hated him, he could deal with that. He could pay that price, if it meant that the loyal, loving Vastayan wouldn’t be trapped in a miserable long distance relationship with someone who would come out the other end unavoidably changed, maybe even unrecognizable.

If Sett hated him, it meant Sett could be free.

It was all tidy and easy, a systematic plan a robot could execute. Maybe Aphelios would make an excellent soldier after all.

But he caught sight of something on his desk, and his numb calm splintered. He picked up the well-loved photobooth prints, laminated specifically to preserve them better. Hot, swollen tears plopped heavily onto the photos, rolling across the faces of the two smiling lovers, captured in Busan on a day when they’d believed that everything had the potential to actually be perfect.

All he’d ever wanted…

Aphelios held the photos to his chest as he sank to his knees, beginning to sob, crumpling on the floor. His heart felt like it had been cored out of him. He was just left with a raw, aching hole instead, pierced clean through, the pain enough to kill him.

He wished it would.

All he’d ever wanted was what he had now. And he was going to lose everything.

Chapter 6: "Dark Red" Steve Lacy

Chapter Text

My twitter (please say hi!!!): aphelionaphelia

Megi's twitter (go look at her amazing art, she draws lots of settphel!!!!): lordmegi

Here's the Homesick Soundtrack that will build as the story progresses: spotify

Chapter Six (Sett)

Dark Red- Steve Lacy

Sett was buzzing with excitement. Honestly, he needed to get a handle on it, or he’d sweat through his dress shirt, again. This was already his replacement. At least this one had held up through the wedding photos which was the most important part, but there was still the afterparty and dancing and he didn’t want to make a mess of his outfit for that either. The surprising heat of the June night wasn’t doing him any favours, but most of all, Sett felt like he simply could not contain the feeling in his chest, he was just too happy to be seeing his best bro get hitched.

The whole day had been a blur, despite the wedding having a guest list of only twenty or twenty-five people, it had still taken two days to get things set up in their backyard and for the house to be tidied. Sett had never seen so many flowers, Alune had maybe gone a little overboard in that department, and at least half of the morning had been spent finding places for all the arrangements. When asked what her plan was, Alune had apologized and said she’d ordered so many because the woman running the flower store had been so beautiful. Sett certainly couldn’t fault her for that, and he ended up being happy to learn all about this pretty lady, Soraka, as he worked with his boyfriend’s twin to get everything organized.

It felt like the actual marriage was done in the blink of an eye. The small group had gathered promptly at sunset to hear Yone and K’Sante exchange their vows, but the ceremony was over quickly and Sett was called up to provide his signature on the marriage certificate as a witness before he knew it. Dinner had flown by too, Sett getting caught up in innumerable Best Man duties and hardly having a chance to actually sit and eat.

And yet, despite how he should have been hungry and exhausted, Sett only felt full to bursting with energized, effervescent joy. It made it easier to be this happy when Phel seemed so happy too, finally—he’d been having a really rough summer so far, and it felt like every other day Sett would go looking for him and find him curled under his blankets with a migraine. But Aphelios was radiant tonight, wearing a purple designer suit Sett had bought for him and looking so good in it it seemed impossible it hadn’t been crafted for his body alone. And it was accentuated by the best accessory: Aphelios’ genuine smile.

“I hope you’re ready to dance up a storm, mooncake,” Sett said in his ear when they found each other again, dinner things cleared up and Sett free from tasks for the moment, having just gotten shooed away from the DJ booth by Yasuo, who was busy taking humorous blank-faced selfies with his brother in the background, and didn’t want to be interrupted. It was nice to see that the two were on good terms again, enough that Yasuo would probably send one of those selfies to Yone directly, with a caption like “stuck DJing at some loser’s wedding” and Yone would get to nag him in return.

I’m ready to dance up at least some clouds, maybe a little bit of rain, Aphelios joked back, clearly in a good mood.

Yes, Sett thought as he walked with his boyfriend to the perimeter of the dancefloor where K’Sante and Yone were getting ready to dance first, today was an awesome day.

“We have a special surprise for everyone,” Senna spoke into the same microphone she’d used to marry her friends. Sett had had no idea she was an ordained minister until K’Sante had told him who would be officiating, but she’d done an excellent job. “The grooms will be sharing their first dance to a song written for them especially, by our very own Aphelios.”

Everyone turned towards the young man in Sett’s arms, beginning to cheer and clap as he pulled away and walked towards the DJ booth. No one except the newlyweds and Aphelios had heard the song, even though he’d been working on it feverishly since Yone and K’Sante had announced their engagement, spending hours locked in the soundproofed studio and going downtown alone for who knew what. Likely, it was the cause of many of the migraines Aphelios had suffered, but Sett was doubly surprised when his boyfriend pulled a violin from a case that had been hidden underneath the table. Was he going to perform it live?

“Did you know he was gonna perform?” Ezreal asked from Sett’s side in a conspiratorial whisper. “I didn’t even know he could play the violin?”

“He’s a f*ckin’ god on the violin,” Sett answered, his heart in his throat, though he wasn’t sure why. “But I didn’t know he was gonna play tonight either.”

“Yeah, Phelio!” Ezreal cheered as the outdoor lights were turned off, using his fingers to whistle as if it was a concert, which was echoed by Alune and pulled a few chuckles from the audience and a broad grin from Aphelios himself.

Yone and K’Sante took their places in the middle of the parquet dancefloor, illuminated only by string lights, some lanterns, and the stars. They looked wonderful, with the pattern in K’Sante’s aso oke hat matching Yone’s custom haori. The love they bore for each other was palpable, and achingly sweet. And if Aphelios had written a song to express that? Sett could feel it: whatever was about to happen would be sublime.

With everything ready, Aphelios gave a little nod to Yasuo to start the backing track, before tucking his violin firmly under his chin and standing regally. Sett wondered if the sight of Phel with that violin in his hand would ever not make him hold his breath.

Soft cello music began playing from the speakers, joined a moment later by the sweet clarity of Aphelios’ violin; a perfectly intertwined duet, harmonious but varied. K’Sante was holding Yone tenderly, the couple swaying back and forth, but they too looked as if they were mostly watching Aphelios play along with the rest of the attendees.

Musically, it was genius, Sett wouldn’t have expected otherwise, but the tenor of the cello worked perfectly with the soprano of Phel’s violin in a way that reminded the listener very much of the newly married couple themselves. Each track was beautiful in its own right, but together, Aphelios had joined them to make an exquisite duet, one of the most eloquent love songs Sett had ever heard, all the more impressive for its lack of lyrics.

And Aphelios… Aphelios himself was gorgeous, moving in a way that was totally different from how he looked when he performed with Heartsteel. The way he played the instrument was like a dance, as graceful as ballet, and as restrained. At some point near the middle, Sett overheard Ezreal murmur an awed what the f*ck under his breath, and the Vastayan had to agree. The performance was so moving that it felt almost as if Aphelios’ talents were wasted on a mere rock band, all the more impressive for how perfectly he played with the pre-recorded cello.

But on his face, in his eyes… maybe only Sett and Alune would see it, but it was there, that look of vacancy, like Aphelios himself was far away from his own body in that moment, though he played no less perfectly for the distance.

It was only when the song finished that Sett realized how close he’d been to crying, and he sniffed his tears back as he applauded loudly along with the rest of the attendees, watching as the newlyweds hugged Aphelios, K’Sante having to wipe at his eyes a few times, too.

“I didn’t know he could do that,” Kayn’s voice came from Sett’s other side, and it was coloured with respect. “Did he play the cello part too? Not very nice of him to be holding out on us like this, when we could have been making millions on ‘Heartsteel: the Orchestral Edition.’”

Sett laughed at the joke, he could tell that Aphelios had probably just solidified his place at the top of the list of people that Kayn took seriously, second perhaps only to himself and Rhaast. The whole party seemed to be of the same mind, even as Yasuo smoothly transitioned to dancing music for the afterparty, there was a clump of people standing around Aphelios, wanting to talk to him.

It was a few minutes before the young man could break free and return to his friends, albeit looking a little bashful.

“You’re a maestro, that was so lit!” Ezreal congratulated him enthusiastically.

“What other exceptional talents are you hiding, Moon Boy? That was pretty impressive.” High praise from Kayn, which Aphelios merely accepted with a smug smile and a modest shrug, before the rapper was pulled onto the dancefloor by a very peppy Ezreal who was insisting this song was unmissable.

“Sometimes I can’t believe you’re real, Phel,” Sett said, pulling his boyfriend into a hug, and kissing his head. They didn’t have to hold back with this crowd, everyone here could be trusted completely. It felt good to kiss Aphelios in public, but even better that Sett could show off that it was him that this musical phenom was in love with.

It sounded good? Aphelios checked. I was a little worried the mix of live and pre-recorded wouldn’t work very well, but it felt more special to play as much as I could in person.

“It was perfect,” Sett assured him honestly. “Was that you playin’ the cello too? And when did you get your violin back?”

It was, Aphelios explained as if that wasn’t an astonishing feat. I thought of using the piano at first, but a cello was just too perfect for K’Sante. So I rented one and practiced downtown. I was a little rusty.

Aphelios stretched, working the tension out of his body from having to stand so rigidly, before he signed some more. And it was more expensive to get Diana to ship my violin so I just rented one for a bit too. I gave Yone and K’Sante the recording with both, so now I can return it and never play again.

“Are you bein’ serious?” Sett asked genuinely, not rhetorically.

Aphelios thought for a moment, he probably had been exaggerating a little, but perhaps not all that much. I’m not sure. I guess it’s useful as a skill, but I don’t enjoy violin.

At a rare loss for words, Sett searched for what he could say, his mouth flapping open and closed a few times.

You really like it, don’t you? Aphelios asked, smiling.

Sett laughed and bashfully scratched the back of his head. “Well, I don’t wanna make you feel pressured if ya really hate somethin’, but yeah, I do think it would be a shame if ya never played again. It was so beautiful, I almost cried.”

Aphelios seemed to like that a lot, playfully teasing his boyfriend for being a ‘teary beast-man,’ happily letting said teary beast-man lead him onto the dancefloor, his large, tanned hands all over that purple designer suit before long.

Maybe Aphelios had been really stressed about this, Sett thought to himself as he began to lose himself in the moment, dancing and revelling in the festivities, happy for his friends, happy to be affectionate with Aphelios in the open like this. Compared to the past two months, Aphelios seemed like a different person tonight, so relaxed, so smiley. In all honesty, Sett had been getting extremely worried, and had been thinking of sitting his boyfriend down for another serious talk about whether something was going on, even if it meant risking Phel getting upset or shutting down at being picked at.

Sometimes Sett felt like he was left with no other options than to pick at him… they’d been together the better part of two years, and still much of the mystery surrounding Aphelios’ past and the reasons for many of his moods was no clearer to his lover. But the thought scared him. In spite of all their promises to each other to the contrary, Sett could never quite let go of the fear that if he pushed Aphelios too hard to open up, Aphelios would just leave him instead.

Perhaps partly to calm that very fear, he’d also been wanting to sit Aphelios down for another kind of serious talk… perhaps one not too different than the one Yone and K’Sante had had recently… even though Sett was pretty sure Aphelios would say yes if he proposed, it was still nerve-wracking enough that he’d been putting it off, especially until Aphelios seemed in a better mood. He’d certainly spent many a gym trip consulting his best bro on what to do, as if K’Sante was now the resident expert on all things related to marriage.

It was heartening to see Aphelios looking so happy and carefree tonight, and maybe if things were back to being a bit more stable, Sett would only need to find the courage for one of these big talks. And maybe it would be prudent to ask Alune first…

These myriad worries fell away as the night and the dance party wore on, and with his Best Beast Man job pretty much wrapped for the time being, Sett allowed himself to drink alcohol a little more freely, and soon he was totally unburdened by anything that could have been called a concern. With Aphelios in his arms, moving against him in time to the music, it felt like there was nothing in life worth fretting over.

The moon had fully risen and quite a few bangers had been played by DJ Yasuo, when a little break was called by Senna, and the guests were invited to gather round for some good old fashioned wedding games. K’Sante was blindfolded for the first one and spun around a few times while male guests were pulled beside Yone, so they could form a line-up. The test was for K’Sante to guess his husband correctly by touch alone, and he looked rather confident until it came to Lucian. Thankfully, after politely feeling Lucian’s shoulders and comparing them to Yone’s, the new groom chose correctly and the potential jealousy crisis was averted.

Despite both grooms wearing finely tailored suits paired with their traditional masculine garb, a tried and true oldie was brought out, and a garter belt was given to K’Sante to put around one of his massive thighs, though everyone present was positive that Yone wouldn’t be caught dead pulling it off with his teeth, as was tradition. Perhaps precisely because no one thought he would, or perhaps because his younger brother was chirping him loudly and even got Akali and Kayn to join in, Yone obliged and somehow managed to remove the little garment with his mouth without making the act feel half as vulgar as it was meant to. By the time it was freed from K’Sante’s muscles, the garter belt’s elastic was deformed, stretched beyond all recognition.

The final game before dancing resumed was the typical bouquet toss. It took what felt like forever to get the small group organized enough for K’Sante to throw a bouquet, and he joked that if this one went wrong there were about seven more bouquets courtesy of Alune and her new crush that would allow them a redo. Mortified but laughing, Alune had threatened that if any of the bouquets came close to her, K’Sante would find it tossed right back at his head.

Finally, everyone was settled, and K’Sante made a great show of winding up, as if he was trying to make a half-court basketball shot instead of throwing some flowers into twenty of his friends. But just as it looked like he was going to rocket it into the stratosphere, K’Sante turned to the crowd, walking through it and straight to Aphelios, handing him the bouquet directly. As superstition dictated, the one who caught the bouquet at a wedding would be the next to get married.

“Just a hunch, my friend,” K’Sante winked as ‘oooohs’ went up from the partygoers, many pairs of eyes locked onto Aphelios and onto Sett, who had gone beet-red. Well, that was one way to start engagement talks!

“What are you two not telling me?” Alune lost no time interrogating them, a huge grin on her face and laughing at how shell-shocked her brother looked and how sweaty and red Sett had gotten. The party music started up again, and the guests were beginning to dance, although a few of the guys jostled Sett as they walked past, chucking knowingly as he stuttered and fumbled.

“There’s nothin’, Lunie!” Sett didn’t sound convincing, not even to himself. Goddamn K’Sante… exposing him like this…

“Nothing, hm?” Alune would not let up, peering into each of their faces, looking for evidence of deception. “Well, I don’t believe you, Sett. But Phel really does seem surprised.”

Sett looked at his boyfriend, expecting him to look back, or at least, react beyond staring at the flowers… staring at them like they were a bomb.

“Wait,” Alune said to her brother, much, much quieter, and with no hint of a smile. “Are you okay?”

Aphelios nodded, even though he’d gone very pale. Finally, he managed a wan smile and a glance at Sett that made the Vastayan feel sick to his stomach.

…Had he been wrong? Was Sett completely wrong to assume Aphelios would ever want to marry him…?

I drank too much, I think I’m going to be sick, Aphelios signed. Sett felt like he’d been gut-punched.

Sett hardly had time to react before Aphelios pushed past, rushing swiftly into the house. It might have been a perfectly reasonable explanation, except Sett couldn’t remember Aphelios having drank more than two co*cktails all night.

And, Aphelios had been avoiding looking him in the eye.

Something wasn’t right, the churning in Sett’s guts told him that much. But it was competing with the everpresent dread of making any kind of scene that would ruin this big day for his best friends… and so he forced himself to drink more and dance a bit, persuading himself to give Aphelios space even if it was based on a flimsy pretext, even as Alune began to avoid him too.

But the night wore on, and Sett started having to explain his boyfriend’s absence, accepting well-wishes from people who hoped Aphelios would feel better, several of them asking the Vastayan to pass on their admiration for the violin performance. All of it blurred into empty meaninglessness, but Sett held on, cognizant of the fact that he was still the Best Man. He stayed to clean up the worst of the mess, thinking all the while how badly he wanted to say f*ck it all and go hunt down his taciturn boyfriend, and get some answers.

It was past 1:00 a.m. when Sett made his way upstairs, having not seen Aphelios since before 11:00 p.m. They usually slept together in Sett’s bed, but the blankets were empty. Another red flag. His pulse was pounding in his ears as he went down the hall to where Aphelios’ bedroom door was closed. Sett’s blood went cold when he tried the doorknob, and found it locked.

What the f*ck was going on?

If Aphelios was really sick, there’s no way he would ever lock himself inside his bedroom. That lock had been turned specifically to keep Sett out.

Was it all over the implication of the bouquet? They’d been having such a lovely night… none of it made sense, unless something had changed for Aphelios in the past few months.

Was that why he’d started acting so strangely recently? He would have a good day, followed by two bad ones, sleeping for hours and pleading understanding for the migraines he’d become afflicted by. In the whole time Sett had known Aphelios, the younger man had maybe had a handful of migraines over a year and a half. Now, he seemed to be getting them every other day.

It was probably a lie, Sett let himself admit, finally. Just like this having ‘drunk too much’ was a lie, too. Something was going on with Aphelios, and he’d been too f*cking dumb and scared to press it like he had known he should have. He wanted to give Phel his space, he had promised he’d never hound him again and more than anything Sett wanted to honour that promise. But he would not accept being lied to and avoided like this…

If Sett forced himself to be logical, this was all probably something that had little to do with Sett himself at all. He knew that on a rational level, even if his heart was still aching with the fear that Aphelios had secretly fallen out of love with him at some point. But Aphelios had always actually been very upfront about his feelings and needs in the relationship. If these weird moods and hours spent holed up had nothing to do with music stress or with Sett, then chances were it was something much larger, something from the area of his life Aphelios had taken great pains to obscure from the Vastayan.

Looking back, it had really started with that trip Aphelios and Alune had had to take without warning, back to Korea for a week in April. With so few details about its purpose other than the purported ‘family stuff’ Aphelios had told him, Sett had convinced himself he’d deduced correctly that it was a funeral, or something nearly as serious. What if Aphelios was grieving, had been grieving this whole time? The thought of his soulmate aching and languishing, maybe full of regrets… it felt like a knife through Sett’s own heart.

And he’d been stupidly going along as if everything was normal, giving Aphelios his space, which in retrospect, felt like asinine neglect.

Frothing panic built in Sett’s gut, building higher until he felt sure he would be sick too. Should he pound on Aphelios’ door? Demand to be let in? His fist was poised just above the wood, ready to knock, but Sett could not bring himself to do so. He knew the sad reality was that even if he insisted, Sett would not get answers from Aphelios tonight.

Without a second thought, Sett turned and rushed down the stairs, making his way to the guest bedroom he knew Alune was staying in. Before his good sense could catch up with him and talk him out of it, Sett knocked on the door, the sound echoing harshly and tolerating no denial.

Alune had only just started getting ready for bed herself, and she answered in an instant.

“What’s wrong?” she asked, and Sett could tell instantly that she was as freaked out as he was. Quickly, she let the Vastayan into her room so that they could talk discreetly.

“Alune, I’m sorry I’ve gotta do this, ‘cause I promised myself and your brother I never would. I feel so guilty, but I can’t f*ckin’ take it anymore.”

“Promised what? What do you mean?” Alune was confused, and getting visibly more upset by the second.

“What’s goin’ on with Phel? Somethin’ happened, right? All these migraines he’s been havin’, him sayin’ he felt sick tonight… it’s all lies, ain’t it? I can’t take it anymore. Tell me what’s goin’ on, ‘cause I know he won’t.”

The change in Alune’s body language was immediate, and in that moment, Sett knew he was right, and that both of them had been hiding something. A million possibilities screamed through his head. Sett thought he would go crazy with them.

“Sett,” Alune spoke carefully, and it was unclear whether she’d insist on maintaining the cover up, or if she would cave. “I really think you need to ask Aphelios, in the morning, when everyone is sober.”

“I am sober,” Sett shot back, not remotely true. “Sober enough for this. You want me to wait around for hours? He’s got his door locked Alune. He locked me out.”

“Oh God,” Alune sighed, blowing her cheeks out and pressing her hand to her forehead, trying to think clearly. “I don’t know if I’m sober enough for this.”

“So there is somethin’,” Sett seized on the slim confirmation immediately, only becoming more persistent. “Please Alune, please tell me. It’s somethin’ I can help with, right? Somethin’ to do with you guys havin’ to go back to Korea? Why the f*ck won’t Phel just let me help him?”

For a moment, Alune just stared at him, evaluating every word coming out of Sett’s mouth, processing them with what looked to be recognition. If Sett could have placed his bets, he would have gone all-in that he’d guessed correctly, or awfully close to it.

“You really don’t know?” Alune said, though bafflingly, she sounded as astonished as Sett felt. “I told him over and over to tell you, I thought by now… surely…”

“Tell me what?!” Sett hissed, only narrowly stopping himself from grabbing Alune by the arms and shaking the information out of her.

There was something, there was a huge secret, Aphelios had been lying, he’d been lying for weeks, for longer—

“I’m so sorry Sett, he begged me not to tell anyone, especially not before tonight, he didn’t want to ruin the wedding—”

Suddenly, the worst possibility of them all reared its head, and the mere thought of it made Sett nauseously dizzy.

“Is he dyin’? Does he have cancer or somethin’? Did you guys have to go back for some kinda treatment?”

Thankfully, Alune cut Sett off before he truly worked himself into a frenzy. “No, Sett! God, no. Phel isn’t dying, it’s nothing like that. Nobody died. Nobody is going to die. Aphelios got a letter from the Korean government, telling him he has to enlist. But he might not have to, we’re still waiting on the email from a lawyer for a cultural exemption—”

“Enlist for what?” Sett interrupted. Now that he’d finally gotten an answer, he was dismayed that it made no sense to him, and the total lack of comprehension he felt hearing Alune’s words was akin to vertigo.

“For military service,” Alune explained dubiously. “You know how all Korean men have to serve in the army? Before they reach a certain age…? You know… mandatory military service… seriously, Sett?”

Excruciatingly slow, the mental gears meshed in Sett’s head, piecing together headlines from articles he’d never read on Twooter about this or that K-Pop idol having to take a hiatus for military service. At last, understanding dawned, but it felt like it offered no further clarity.

“But Aphelios doesn’t have to do that, right? Isn’t he American?”

Alune shook her head. “He’s only a permanent resident, and the law would apply even if he was a dual citizen.”

Still, it somehow made no sense, no sense at all. “He’s gonna get out of it though, right? He can’t even f*ckin’ talk half the time, doesn’t that count for somethin’? What was the thing about the lawyers you said?”

“We already tried to get him exempted on medical grounds,” Alune spoke slowly, as if she was delicately delivering horrific news. Sett realized she was. “He didn’t qualify. They said he still had to enlist. That’s why we went to Seoul, so he could get evaluated… and the lawyer is working on a long shot, but maybe it’s promising, since it’s taking so much longer than I expected… You can be exempted if you’re making cultural contributions, like an Olympic athlete…”

Sett took this information in, feeling like it might not have been as dire as secret cancer, but the more he grasped, the more it was clear that this was still pretty f*cking bad.

“But those guys, those idols and stuff, they still have to serve, don’t they? Aphelios is an American musician, he’s not really doin’ stuff for Korea…” Sett trailed off, knowing he’d answered his own unvoiced question. Alune had said it herself. The lawyer was a long shot.

She just looked at him, sorrowful understanding on her face.

Suddenly, Sett was furious, it cracked open inside of him like a vein of magma.

“How the f*ck could you guys do this,” he snarled, feeling horrible as Alune recoiled suddenly, but unable to get his rage under control. “You two were f*cking lyin’ about this since April? You guys took a f*ckin’ international flight, and lied about why? That is f*ckin’ twisted!”

“I know, Sett, I know.” Alune’s fright gave way to heartbreak, and tears began to form in the corners of her eyes. “I’m so sorry we did that, to everyone, but especially to you. Please trust me, I begged Phel to tell you, at least you, because this wasn’t fair to you at all. You’ve been so good to him, he loves you so much, but he begged me, Sett. He’s only begged me once like that before, in his whole life. He begged me to give him time to fix it, because he knew the moment you all knew, it would blow up everything…”

“Goddamn f*ckin’ right it would blow up everything, and it should! We had the right to be upset about this with ya, to be worried about what was gonna happen to him, what was gonna happen to Heartsteel! How long does he even gotta be gone for? We talkin’ months? Half a year?”

Alune’s silence and the way she was staring moon-eyed at Sett all of a sudden was enough to tell the Vastayan he was wrong, but he had no idea how wrong.

“...It can be up to two years, Sett,” came the quiet answer.

“Two years?!” Sett bellowed back, his magic igniting for a moment. He wanted to tear out his hair, he wanted to splinter every piece of furniture he could get his hands on. Two years… two f*cking years and Aphelios had been lying about it, hiding it…

“I know, that’s why he’s trying everything he can to get out of it, I’ve never seen him this scared, about anything. Not even when he left Korea alone.”

“Alone?” Sett asked without thinking. “I thought you guys left together. Is that another lie? What is even the truth? Who the f*ck are you people?”

Bravely, Alune took a step closer to the fuming beast-man, trusting he would never lash out at her. Her hands were held up in the way you would calm a savage, wild animal. “Sett, just take a second, okay? This is a lot of information, but I promise you, Aphelios has never lied to you about anything significant, other than his enlistment. I just think he hasn’t told you all the details yet.”

“No f*ckin’ sh*t,” Sett spat out, though within his crackling anger, he did feel a potent softening, hearing from Alune that Aphelios wouldn’t lie to him. Who knew if that was true or if this was more of the twins covering for each other… but it felt true. At the end of the day, even after this, Sett still trusted Aphelios completely. Maybe that made him the biggest fool ever.

And in some ways, that just made this whole clusterf*ck worse. Aphelios was only lying now, because he was so scared of what would happen if he had to enlist. He’d taken all of that on by himself, trying to pretend to be happy and normal for Sett, for their friends about to get married. And Sett had been such a blockhead, he’d eaten it up, hook, line, and sinker.

The situation was beyond miserable, for everyone involved.

And… now it made sense, Aphelios’ reaction to receiving the bouquet. It wasn’t that he’d fallen out of love with Sett with no warning. It was that he loved Sett as much as the Vastayan thought he did, but had known that in all likelihood, he would be leaving for years, that romantic plans like a wedding might as well have been fantastical bedtime stories for how practical they felt in the face of this catastrophe.

Two years…

“Why doesn’t he just dodge?” Sett asked. “What’s the penalty if he just doesn’t go? Some kinda fine? I’ll pay it, I got the money, I don’t give a sh*t how much if it means he won’t have to leave-”

“Don’t you dare suggest that,” Alune said with sudden, quiet anger, powerful enough that it cowed Sett. “Don’t you ever mention that to him. It’s not a fine, it’s prison. He wouldn’t be able to go back to Korea or else they would put him in jail. And he would be hated, he would be disgraced forever. Don’t you dare suggest my brother go through that. He’s not a coward.”

Sett lifted his hands in a gesture of surrender, showing Alune that he’d already given up on the idea. “Okay, I’m sorry Lunie. I didn’t know. I know he’s not a coward. And I’d never want him to go to jail or not be able to go back to Korea or anythin’ like that, don’t worry. I’m sorry. I won’t bring it up with him.”

Calming herself down, Alune took a deep breath, and accepted Sett’s apology.

“But I gotta know,” Sett broached, knowing he was not going to like the answer. “If this lawyer thing doesn’t work out, when has he gotta enlist? How long does he have?”

“The beginning of September,” Alune stated blandly, staring for a long moment at Sett, her eyes reddening.

Just over two months… The world swayed nastily, feeling like a distorted carnival illusion. Sett felt like someone had dropped cinderblocks straight onto his chest, he couldn’t take a full breath. His heart hurt.

At a loss for words, Sett just stared back, watching as Alune’s face crumpled and she began to cry.

Automatically, he reached out for her, taking her into his arms where she cried harder.

He hadn’t even contemplated what this must be like for her. She would be losing her brother too. She must have felt like she’d been staring down the barrel of a gun for the past two months, bearing this awful weight on her own. Sett felt so destroyed with it, he almost marvelled at the strength the twins had to keep going, much less keep up a convincing front of sanity while trying to plan through this and solve it. He hated that they’d lied, but moreso because it had meant they’d had to deal with this alone.

Sett managed to get out a strangled, garbled apology before he began crying too. Hugging the woman he’d hoped would one day be his sister-in-law, the beast-man sobbed as his heart broke, reality slowly sinking in.

🎶

Sett was woken by the sound of the door unlocking and opening beside him. He’d spent the rest of the night sitting on the floor outside of Aphelios’ bedroom after he and Alune had finished talking, drowsing shallowly. He felt like he’d been in a car accident, his body aching as he rose to confront his boyfriend, who he’d been determined would not run away from this conversation. Sett had been ready to jam his foot in the door if Aphelios had tried to close it on him.

Instead, Aphelios just stood there staring at him, looking as bad or maybe even worse than Sett knew he looked himself. Phel’s eyes were bloodshot, and his face was swollen.

“Phel, get dressed,” Sett told him softly, but with firm authority that would clearly accept no arguments. He had no idea what time it was, but the meagre daylight coming in various parts of the house seemed like it was close to dawn.

Aphelios offered no resistance, mutely taking a jacket (one of Sett’s) from the back of his chair and following Sett down the hall and out of the house.

The car ride was complete silence except for when Sett stopped for breakfast and asked Aphelios if he wanted anything, who just shook his head. Sett ordered him a green tea with honey all the same, heartened when Aphelios accepted it and began sipping. Having taken this drive so often, both knew where they were going, and it was as if by tacit agreement, they waited till they arrived before they opened the floodgates of the thousand things they had to say to each other.

Morning on the mountaintop was a different kind of beauty than night. The city below them was waking up, preparing for a warm summer Saturday morning. Far off near the horizon, Sett could see the ocean sparkling in blue jewel tones under the brilliant sunshine. It should have been a paradisiacal day, under other circ*mstances. But the devastated beast-man felt like it was a garish insult instead. It felt like, after the news of last night, that the world shouldn’t just keep turning like this.

“Alune told me,” he said finally, not looking over to where Aphelios was standing beside him, utterly silent. “I know you got your enlistment letter, ‘n that it ain’t lookin’ good.”

Emotion was rising, thick and volatile behind Sett’s breastbone. He clenched his teeth against it, squinting into the sunlit cityscape, waiting for his boyfriend to answer him. No answer came, though even Sett could tell it was not for a lack of trying.

The muteness made Sett feel awful, it broke his heart, but neither could he just let go of his rightful anger. At last, he turned towards Aphelios, the dam breaking and a flood of indictments and accusations spilled out.

“I trusted you, Phel. You asked me to give you space when you needed it, you said that when you were ready, you’d tell me. About everything. You promised me. And this is how you pay me back? Do you know how f*ckin’ hard it’s been to be left with no answers? How f*ckin’ unfair that is?

“You lied to me. You been lyin’ to me for months, right to my face. That’s how you rewarded my patience, ‘n my trust. I ain’t ever trusted anyone like this except my own mother, you kept askin’ me to have faith in you ‘n you f*ckin’ spit on it, like it was worth nothin’!”

Sett was beginning to yell, the mountain and the trees and the birds the only witnesses to this private, heartbreaking hell.

“I just don’t get it! I don’t get what I coulda done different, what’s wrong with me or what’s wrong with you that you can’t f*ckin’ ask for help when it’s somethin’ this big. Don’t you know how much I f*ckin’ love you? Don’t you realize that I’d do anything for ya? Forget about wantin’ to marry you, I would die for you, Phel. I love you that much. And you won’t even let me in enough to comfort you, ‘n you think so little of me that apparently I deserved to find out… when? I don’t even know when you woulda told me. Maybe I woulda gotten to figure it out when you left for more ‘family stuff’ and just didn’t f*ckin’ come back for two years!”

Sett had never yelled at Aphelios like this, or said anything close to what he was saying now. Far from making him feel better, he felt like each word was a knife blade in his own flesh, carving away chunks. He didn’t even know what he wanted from this conversation, what he hoped to accomplish, other than, in spite of all his fury, underneath he was simply begging Aphelios to let him in.

He watched as ruby eyes filled with tears, tears that quickly spilled down chalk-coloured cheeks, catching on chapped lips. Poor Aphelios was trembling.

“Oh mooncake,” Sett softened immediately, reaching for Aphelios without thinking, holding him tight against his chest. No sooner was Aphelios in his arms he began wailing, his body shaking so hard with the force of the sobs that Sett was shaking too. The sound of Aphelios crying that hard with his hoarse, congested voice was the most painful thing Sett had ever heard.

Soon, Sett could feel how the strength was going out of Phel’s legs, how hard his fists were clenching his shirt for support, and gently he guided them both to the ground, holding Aphelios safely in his lap, rocking the both of them back and forth amidst the grass and wildflowers.

“Shhhh, Phel. You’re okay, I got you,” Sett cooed, his ears bent low, his large hand stroking Aphelios’ hitching back. If Aphelios didn’t calm down, he’d make himself sick, and so the Vastayan put aside his own emotions and focused just on soothing his lover, who seemed so frail, like the ghost of a man in that moment, sustained only by grief.

If anything, Aphelios’ tears felt like an answer in themselves. Clearly, he’d been holding all of this inside, trying to endure it alone. It almost felt like Sett being mad at him was redundant; Aphelios was clearly punishing himself tenfold, excessively. Vivid regret developed alongside Sett’s anger. Even if Aphelios had tried to shut him out, he should have known him too well for it to work. There had been so many signs, and Sett had ignored them all, too caught up in his own bullsh*t, too relieved when Aphelios gave a flimsy excuse they could both run with for the sake of plausible deniability.

And Sett could not forget that this was Aphelios’ first serious relationship, not only romantic, but his first close friendship too, outside of his sister. Maybe he’d never learned how to let people in, how to share a burden like this… maybe that was another way his mysterious parents had failed him.

But ultimately, without Aphelios being willing to open up, all of this was just conjecture.

“I’m sorry…” came Aphelios’ voice, little more than a whisper that probably would have been lost to the breeze if Sett’s hearing hadn’t been so acute. “I’m so sorry…”

Finally, after being so calm for his boyfriend, Sett felt his own tears threatening. He held them back, pressing a kiss to the crown of Aphelios’ head, right on the cowlick he found so adorable.

“Why couldn’t you tell me?” Sett murmured into teal hair, screwing his eyes shut and holding Aphelios tighter. “Why couldn’t you just tell me what was going on…”

Aphelios unfurled, and Sett let him, heartbroken afresh to see his tearstained, flushed face. After crying that hard, there was no way his voice would sustain conversation, and the beast-man gave him room to sign.

I’m so sorry. You deserved to know, I have no excuse. It wasn’t anything you did or didn’t do. This was all me. I was trying to fix it so I wouldn’t even have to leave… I wanted to tell you, I was going to, that day after I came back from Korea, but then Yone and K’Sante came downstairs, and I felt like I’d missed my chance… But I was going to tell you soon, as soon as they left for their honeymoon. I just didn’t want to ruin such a happy time for them.

The explanation somehow made complete sense, and yet no sense at all. And knowing K’Sante as well as he did, Sett was positive that his best friend would have wanted to know one of their group mates was going through something so stressful, much less might have to leave for a long time, regardless of how it might impact the marital festivities. And Aphelios and Yone had grown so close too, Sett just couldn’t figure out how Phel had managed to persuade himself that this had been the better course of action.

“We gotta tell them, sweetheart. When we go back, we gotta tell them. We’ll help you fight this, whatever it takes. We coulda been fighting this whole time, we woulda done that for you in a heartbeat, Phel.”

There’s nothing to fight, Aphelios signed miserably. I got rejected for any exemption. There are no options left. I have to leave.

Panic cracked open so powerfully in Sett’s skull that his hearing blanked out for a moment, the way it did after receiving a sucker punch.

“I thought… Alune said you were waitin’ on somethin’ from some lawyer, somethin’ because you’re in Heartsteel–”

It was rejected, Aphelios confessed. I didn’t tell her, because I knew she would force me to tell everyone, and I was too scared. I was going to tell her today or tomorrow. I’m sorry, Sett. I’m going to have to leave.

“But–but… there… this can’t be it,” Sett was beginning to freak out, realizing what this meant. Even though last night’s conversation had been dire, he’d still somehow left Alune’s room with a crumb of hope that Aphelios’ lying and clamming up would be the worst of their problems, that he would somehow not have to go.

I have to leave, Aphelios repeated, the light going out of his eyes.

“But you can’t,” Sett pleaded, hardly aware of what he was saying. “You’re part of Heartsteel, we’re nothin’ without you, you belong with us! With me! I need you Phel, I can’t live without you, how am I supposed to live without you? Will I be able to see you? Will we be able to talk? What if I move to South Korea? Surely ya get to see family on weekends or somethin’, we’ll just do that, ‘n Heartsteel will go on hiatus–”

No, came the firm, fatal answer. You can’t do that. It’s not fair to you, it’s not fair to everyone else. I know what I have to do, and I’ve decided I’m going to leave Heartsteel.

Receiving a brick to the side of the head would have been easier to take than seeing Aphelios sign that.

“What the f*ck? You're joking, right? You can’t leave! You’re the heart of us, it’s your music that got us here. Heartsteel without you is—it ain’t possible, it’s all six of us and Alune, or it’s nothin’. We’ll just wait for you. Bands go on hiatus all the time, ‘n if it’s just for two years–”

You guys don’t need me, Aphelios signed after climbing out of Sett’s lap, his tears staunched. He looked numb, like a robot. You know how to write your own music now, Yone writes great songs too. You can find anyone to play instruments behind the scenes. I don’t even sing. Heartsteel doesn’t need me. And a hiatus at our prime might ruin everything, it would be foolish. I’ll just leave.

Finally, Sett began to cry, his nose scrunching as he tried to keep from breaking down. Never in a million years had he ever even contemplated this, he’d never pictured anything, but Heartsteel, together, forever.

“There ain’t no way. You can’t, Phel. You can’t. What about me? What about us?”

Aphelios steeled himself, his eyes going totally dull. The moment before he signed it, some tiny part of Sett knew what he was going to say, but it was not enough to brace for the impact.

Sett… I think we should break up.

The words were like a body blow, so severe that it defied Sett’s understanding for a moment.

To say that he’d never even contemplated Heartsteel being anything but the six of them was an understatement compared to how sure he had been that he and Aphelios would be together forever.

“This can’t be happening,” Sett hurled out, uncomprehending. “You wanna break up with me?”

It’s for the best, Aphelios forged on, almost like he’d given over control of his body to some kind of heartless automaton, like he was reading from a script. With the sickening feeling of his stomach bottoming out, Sett realized that probably wasn’t far from the truth, that Aphelios had likely run through this exact conversation hundreds of times in his head before this moment.

It could be two full years, Sett. We’ve barely known each other that long. I don’t want you to wait, at the height of your career, when I can’t promise it won’t change me. I can’t ask you to wait for that long when I don’t even know who I’ll be when I get out.

“What are you even talkin’ about? You’ll be you!” Sett said through his tears. “Don’t you get it, Phel? Even if ya change, it’ll still be you, I love everything about you, I love every version of you–”

Sett, please listen–

“No,” the Vastayan grabbed Aphelios’ hands, interrupting him. “I don’t care if you’re gonna tell me I’m naive, that I don’t know what I’m talkin’ about, that you think I’m makin’ a mistake sayin’ I’ll wait for you. I think you’re makin’ a mistake, givin’ up so easily on this, when most people could live ten lifetimes before they found someone they love half as much as I love you. How could you throw all of this away?”

As Aphelios pulled his hands away, Sett thought he saw a flicker in his red gaze, some true and sincere part of his heart resurfacing. If only Sett could seize on that, refuse to let Aphelios run away from it…

I’m not giving up, Aphelios told him. I know it’s unfair, but I’ve thought about this for months. This is the best way. I’m sure of it.

“Why?” Sett pleaded. “You ain’t even given me one good reason. All this time you’ve been thinkin’ about this ‘n you wanna drop this bomb on me, ‘n you can’t even tell me why. What’s one actual reason we should call it quits, instead of just givin’ it a shot? Why can’t we even try?”

Conflict was obvious on Aphelios’ face, written there blatantly, telling Sett to keep fighting tooth and nail. That was, until Aphelios went distant again, his face going blank as he stared out at the city below, the only tangible emotion in his mannerisms an exhausted resignation. Sett’s confidence faltered.

“Why, mooncake?” he asked, much quieter, his voice shaky as he voiced his worst fear. “Is it… is it because you don’t love me anymore?”

“I love you, Sett,” Aphelios’ tattered voice came instantly, those ruby eyes wholly focused on his face again. He could not lie about that, not even when it would have served his purposes. He added in sign, I love you so much. More than anything. That’s why I don’t want you trapped by me, waiting around when you should be happy–

“You think breaking up with me would make me feel less trapped!?” Sett’s argument was ready again, his conviction restored as long as he knew Aphelios still loved him. “You think I’m just gonna move on, ‘n f*ck around while you’re gone? The most jealous man I know is tellin’ me that we’ll break up ‘n this’ll all just blow over ‘n I should go back to havin’ fun again?”

I don’t know, Aphelios hedged, hesitating in the face of Sett’s certainty, seeing for himself how stupid it sounded when laid out like that.

“I do,” the Vastayan bent forward, roughly gripping Aphelios’ chin, making sure he would be forced to absorb every word with its full intensity. “I know I’d never get over you. I know I’ll never, ever not be in love with you. I know that you’re it, Phel. I don’t give a flyin’ f*ck how long I have to wait. You’re the only one for me.”

Sett watched as feeling suffused those expressive crimson eyes again: sadness, pain, mourning… pleading, hope, adoration.

“I don’t care if it makes me an asshole,” Sett told him, feeling uncompromisingly sure now, and determined to convince Aphelios. “But I ain’t gonna let you break up with me, not for a dumb reason like that. So long as you love me ‘n I make you happy, you’re stuck with me, doll. Got it?”

Even now, Sett could tell Aphelios was holding on, or more accurately, holding back. What about the prospect of finally trusting him was so difficult? The hesitation made Sett angry. It hurt him.

Without thinking, he used his grip to forcefully pull Aphelios into a violent kiss, one that quickly turned into Sett pushing his boyfriend into the grass, climbing on top of him, his ungentle fingers roaming along with his teeth. It felt like, if he could not convince Aphelios to completely surrender his heart, then Sett would make do with claiming his body.

Shockingly, Aphelios was enthusiastically reciprocating, the front of his pajama pants soon becoming wet as he got hard and leaked, fistfuls of Sett’s thick red hair clamped in his hands. They sought to devour each other, maybe some kind of mutually assured destruction that would bring an end to everything, but at least it would end with them together. Maybe this was the same as how Sett had heard people could get horny after a funeral; some kind of f*cked up defiance to want to make love in rebellion to grief. The funeral comparison was apt, too. Sett felt like something inside of Aphelios had died in front of his eyes.

Before Sett could really make heads or tails of what was happening, what he wanted to happen, he felt Aphelios’ hand down his sweatpants, pulling his erection free, his thick arousal rubbing against Aphelios’ own nakedness. Frotting like this wasn’t even half of the warmth or friction Sett’s body was craving right now, but when Aphelios took them both in his hand and started pumping, his other hand still pulling Sett’s hair, logic fell away and a bestial need took over.

As he grunted and thrust into Phel’s hand, biting down hard on what stretches of exposed, pale flesh he could find, the only thing approaching a coherent thought in Sett’s brain was how badly he needed Aphelios to be his, all of him.

Especially the secret, concealed parts, the parts hidden by lies and omissions. The feeling, this need to possess, was not dissimilar to the way a child would not want to share his favourite toy, it was his treasure alone. A disgusting feeling, and Sett tried and failed to crush it.

“You promised you’d never leave me.” The brokenhearted words spilled from Sett’s lips without him having formed the intention to speak them. With them came tears that Sett cried into Aphelios’ hair and neck, where they burned like poison. Their mingled breaths were coming like the bellows of a furnace, as hot and as laborious.

“I know, I’m sorry,” Aphelios whispered back, his voice nearly unintelligible through the roughness of arousal and physical exertion.

“Don’t leave me,” Sett begged pathetically. His brain felt like sludge, he couldn’t think straight. Everything was a rush, a blur of agony and pleasure, love too strong to find hate, even for the deceit. “Don’t leave me…”

There was no answer in words, only Aphelios’ hand moving quicker, encompassing the pulsing swell, coaxing it with frenetic speed until, with a snarl, Sett came explosively, Aphelios climaxing immediately after, the evidence of their carnal release mixing indistinguishably. Sett’s heart was pounding in his ears, and his ragged breath tumbled from his mouth, into Phel’s.

As the mess cooled, grains of Sett’s sanity returned. Wordlessly, abruptly, they both calmed. Sett helped Aphelios take his filthy shirt off, using it to clean the smears off his stomach. Sett’s tank top had fared marginally better, and he took it off, giving it to his boyfriend to put on, even when Aphelios gestured that he was okay with just Sett’s jacket.

What did they do now? Sett wondered, finally having caught his breath, and feeling more man than animal at last, even though his head felt like someone had opened it up and stirred his brains. He was so overwhelmed, so confused. So devastated.

He knew that as soon as they went home, there would be questions about where they’d gone, why they both looked haggard. And Sett refused to lie to the rest of the band the way that he’d been lied to… once they went home, the fact that Aphelios would only be there for so few weeks that Sett could count them down on his fingers… it would become real.

Gathering his thoughts, Sett lay down in the grass, the sensation of it on his bare torso not altogether unpleasant, especially with the sunshine. He would allow himself this, an extra few minutes to figure things out… to figure out what the f*ck to do now. Aphelios seemed in no rush to leave the mountaintop either, sitting quietly with his legs against his chest, looking lost in thought, but at least like he was still the real, live Aphelios and not his robot replacement.

“Mooncake,” Sett beckoned gently, opening an arm and inviting Aphelios to lay down next to him, gratified when he did. They looked at each other, Sett only realizing how scared he’d been when he felt profound relief to see and feel the familiar love extant between them. He was a hypocrite for berating Aphelios for giving up too easily, when the truth of it was his own faith in them had been shaken to the foundations; as if this was all it would take to destroy them. He of all people should have known better.

Affectionately, Aphelios picked blades of grass out of Sett’s hair, smoothing his ear fur before laying atop his lover, cuddling against his bare chest.

“Let me wait for you,” Sett said, the soft rumbles of his voice resonating across the barrel of his chest, Aphelios not only hearing it but feeling it in his skin. One of Sett’s calloused thumbs was stroking his cheek with heartbreaking tenderness.

“I know you think I don’t know what I’m gettin’ into,” he continued, “and ya know what, you’re probably right. I ain’t ever felt like this before, I don’t have a roadmap or even the faintest f*ckin’ clue where it goes from here. And I can admit I’m scared. I’m scared of so many things, but most of all, I’m scared that I don’t know you. I think I do, even if it ain’t the cold hard facts of your backstory. I know you, Aphelios. But then… if that’s true, how did I not see this comin’?”

Aphelios tilted his head to look up at Sett, their eye contact deeply familiar, emblematic of how Sett sometimes just felt he knew Aphelios, even if it was akin to blind faith. Even though the beast-man had asked a question, Aphelios seemed to understand he still had more to say.

“But what I keep comin’ back to is that this still feels real, the way I love you is the realest thing I ever felt. Even if I were to find out there were more lies, I can’t explain it, but it doesn’t make it less true for me.

“Tell it to me straight, Phel. Am I a fool?”

Aphelios readjusted so he could look at Sett straight on without craning his neck, placing one of his hands–surprisingly chilly in the summer’s day–directly above Sett’s heart.

“No,” he told him. If Aphelios was anything less than utterly sincere in that moment, well, then he was the best liar Sett had ever met. “You’re not a fool. And you do know me, I know you do. I’m sorry I lied to you. I know it doesn’t make any sense, because there’s so much I’ve held back, but no one knows me like this, except Alune. And you even know me better, in some ways. No one has ever known me like this.”

Sett looked at the precious person in his arms, wanting to believe it was true, even though Aphelios had just admitted to lying, even though Aphelios had just tried to break up with him. Really, it felt like Sett had no choice but to believe, his heart had already made its decision without consulting his brain, or his common sense. Tenderly, he tucked a turquoise lock of Aphelios’ mussed hair behind his ear, tracing his chin much more gently than he’d held it before.

“Just let me love you, mooncake,” Sett beseeched, his soul laid bare. “I don’t know what’s got you holdin’ back, or why you wanna hold me back, but I’m tellin’ you, it’s pointless. I’m gonna love you like this for the rest of my life. I’ll wait for you, for two months, for two years, for two hundred years, it doesn’t matter. I’d wait forever. It’s my life, ‘n if I wanna use it up waitin’ for you… waitin’ for you to come back home, waitin’ for you to open up… then that’s my prerogative. I’m The Boss, remember?”

A tiny smile from Aphelios, maybe just an extra sparkle in his eyes that didn’t quite reach his lips. Sett watched as the glimmer submerged again, back into sorrow, and he knew he’d probably have to spend every day fighting for Aphelios, fighting whatever these demons were that had the sensitive young man convinced he needed to endure life alone, for whatever reason.

“I love you,” Sett said it like an order he hoped Aphelios would obey. “Do you hear me? I love you.”

“Sometimes I don’t know why you do,” Aphelios admitted finally, mourning still written all over his face. “But you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, Sett. I love you too.”

A pause while Aphelios looked like he wanted to say more, but stopped himself. When it came to his boyfriend, Sett still had seemingly limitless patience, and he waited without urgency for Aphelios to make his decision.

Quiet tears, more akin to spring rain than the torrential hurricanes earlier in the day, began to fall from ruby eyes, wiped reverently with clawed fingers.

“I’m sorry,” Aphelios said for the countless time that day, but the Vastayan could tell he meant it with everything he had. “I’m sorry for everything I did to you. I’m sorry for how I hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you.”

Love, profound and heavy, weighed Sett’s heart, pressing like an anchor behind his ribs. He shhh’d Aphelios, gently guiding his head back down to his chest, holding his boyfriend against him, petting his messy hair.

Even as he apologized so wholly, Sett knew there would be times in the future when Aphelios would hurt him again, when Sett would inevitably make mistakes and hurt Aphelios back. It was an unpleasant reality of love, but Sett could accept it.

“I forgive you,” he told him, already having let go of the wounds inflicted in the past, already forbearing about any future trespasses. “I forgive you, Phel.”

Usually so ungenerous, the world waited a little longer for them, for Aphelios’ tears to dry, for them to hold each other like that for just a few more minutes in the sunshine. They knew it was a rare gift indeed, but it would have to sustain them as they faced the realities the future promised they could not escape from.

Chapter 7: "Sorry" Nothing But Thieves

Chapter Text

My twitter (please say hi, unless you hate me now): aphelionaphelia

Megi's twitter (go look at her amazing art, blame her for the painful art): lordmegi

Here's the Homesick Soundtrack that will build as the story progresses: spotify

Chapter Seven (Aphelios)

Sorry - Nothing But Thieves

Aphelios had spent weeks ruminating over what he was going to do, how this was going to go. What he would say.

But now that it had finally come time for his confessions, all of it felt inadequate… almost like he was insulting them. It made it worse that poor Alune had ended up having to do most of the talking to the rest of Heartsteel, Aphelios’ voice didn’t have a prayer of working. Not when six people were staring at him, four of them about to be completely blindsided by Aphelios’ lies.

“...I know it’s a lot to take in, especially all at once,” Alune was saying, doing an admirable job of explaining the clusterf*ck. “It’s totally understandable that you would be upset with us for trying to hide this. But please try not to be upset at the fact that Aphelios might have to enlist. That’s not his fault, and neither of us thought he would still have to…”

No one around the dining table seemed to know how to react. They’d all been eating a breakfast of wedding feast leftovers, blithely enjoying a lovely morning like any other, until Sett and Aphelios had come back in their pajamas. Everyone had assumed they were just sleeping in, but the surprise return and looking that haggard had demanded immediate explanations.

“...and maybe he won’t have to leave after all, if that lawyer can work some magic…” Alune’s tenuous smile was so fragile, it did nothing to reassure anyone. But with that statement hanging in the air, Aphelios knew he had to confess to her now, too.

Five people to blindside with his deceit, then. Only Sett would not be hearing this for the first time, but the poor Vastayan looked even more devastated to have to listen to it all laid out again, when his wounds were still raw.

The application was rejected, Aphelios signed for his sister, hating himself that he had put her in the position of having to explain to the others while now processing this herself. He could see her disbelief. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. But I heard back from the lawyer. I’m not eligible for exemption.

“What did he say?” Kayn demanded, as Alune’s shocked expression crumpled into tears. Kayn sounded scared. Looking around the table, he was not the only one afraid of what this could mean, for all of them.

“Why didn’t you tell me?!” Alune ignored Kayn, yelling at Aphelios as she cried. “When did you find out? Phel, what are you going to do?!”

“What’s going on?” Kayn pressed, harsh enough that Yone sought to calm him down with an outstretched arm, a wordless gesture of stop it .

“He has to enlist!” Alune snapped bitterly, tears freely flowing down her cheeks as she stared at Aphelios, pure heartbroken anger on her face. “His exemptions got rejected and he didn’t tell me! He has to leave in September–”

“What the f*ck? Where does that leave us?!” This time, Kayn was not asking Alune. His indignant question was directly for Aphelios.

“How could you do this?” Alune accused him, indignant, devastated, still reeling from the revelation her brother had lied to her too.

Aphelios wished he didn’t have to say this, at least not when the dust hadn’t even settled, while Alune was still crying and this angry with him. But dancing around it would serve no benefits. He looked up and Kayn, and answered him.

It means I’m going to quit Heartsteel . Everyone knew enough sign language to understand that.

The table erupted. Alune, Kayn, and Sett were all yelling at him, furious with Aphelios for the mere suggestion, Sett doubly so because he’d mistakenly believed he’d talked him out of quitting that morning.

K’Sante began shouting too, in an effort to settle everyone down, trying to take control of the situation as it rapidly spiralled. Yone sat like he was carved from the same stone as Aphelios. Ezreal had begun to cry.

“I thought you guys were going to get married,” he said tremulously, confused and terrified. “Sett was going to propose, he even had K’Sante give the flowers yesterday! Can’t they just get married and Aphelios doesn’t have to leave then?”

“Not now, Ezreal,” Yone’s quiet authority came. “Not now. Citizenship doesn’t work that way.”

Aphelios looked down at the tabletop, unable to meet anyone’s eyes, feeling Sett’s presence overwhelmingly at his side. It was impossible to not feel crushed by the weight of what could have been. Now, Aphelios just wished he’d never been born.

“But I don’t get it,” Ezreal persisted, too upset to calm down, too upset to realize he was rubbing salt in the wound. “Why would Sett start talking to us about marrying Phel, if this was happening? I thought–”

“I didn’t know about it, Ez.” Sett’s voice was heavy with a complexity of emotion, but most of all he sounded shattered, and angry.

“But you two did,” Kayn’s retort was whip-quick and sharp with venom. His mismatched eyes would have bored holes into the twins’ skulls if such a thing was humanly possible. “You two are the most selfish people I’ve ever met. Lying to us since April, and now you want to quit? Right when Heartsteel is at its biggest. Maybe you should quit, because this band has no room for people who will give up like pathetic failures–”

“That’s enough,” Yone said, hardly raising his voice. He didn’t need to. When he was this furious, everyone listened.

“You will say no such things, Kayn,” he continued in a disgusted hiss. “You have no concept of what this would be like, and you think only of yourself, what this means for your goals. Have any of you considered what this feels like for them? For him?”

Aphelios didn’t have to see how Yone gestured towards him to know he was the subject. He violently wished that his friend wouldn’t bother. Yone’s kindness was undeserved, and only made him hate himself more.

“I cannot condone the deceit,” Yone continued. “But I can see the purpose it served, and it changes little. Regardless of when or how Aphelios told us, this is still something he faces, and he tried to face it alone. For as mad as you are at him, look at your own selves with the same criticism. We all knew something was amiss, we have all talked amongst ourselves about how he had retreated recently, and yet, did any of us reach out to him? He is the one who stands to lose the most. How dare you insult him for how he shouldered such a thing, especially when we let him do it alone.”

There was a moment of complete silence before it was interrupted by Kayn, who was evidently unbowed by dressing down he’d just received.

“Sure, we all knew he was being weird, but I refuse to accept responsibility if someone is going to lie like that, only to try and quit like a puss* once the truth comes out.”

In less than a second, Sett was up, his chair tipped back and crashing to the floor. Magic was already alight on his clenched fists as he snarled. “Say that again, Kayn. I f*ckin’ dare you.”

Unphased by how badly the Vastayan apparently wanted to turn his spine into dust, Kayn just sneered back from across the table as Ezreal looked up at him, horrified. “I’d be pissed too, Sett. Here we all thought you had a handle on how obviously your boyfriend had gone off the deep end, but turns out you got dropped the worst out of all of us.”

Now K’Sante was standing, holding Sett back from bludgeoning Kayn, both of them yelling at the rapper for how unconscionable a sh*thead he was being. Alune had joined in too, going to bat for her brother despite having just found out he’d lied to her, again.

Everyone was standing and screaming, everyone except for Aphelios. The noise was too much, it felt like it was breaking his head, he felt as if he was going to throw up. He had no moisture left in his body after weeping all morning, he was too devastated even for tears. Kayn hadn’t said anything Aphelios didn’t deserve, and he wouldn’t blame Kayn if he hated him now. It couldn’t compare to how much Aphelios hated himself. Unable to think clearly enough to do anything else, he curled up in the kitchen chair, pulling his knees close and putting his hands over his ears as the people he loved the most shouted over him. Because of him.

For a moment he just existed in a muffled void of hell, overwhelmed by the noise and the grief, screwing his eyes tightly shut, not even so that he wouldn’t have to watch, but because the pain in his chest was leaving him breathless. Then, all of a sudden, he felt gentle pressure around his shoulders, someone holding him in a hug. Too slim to be Sett and too tall to be Alune, Aphelios could tell it was Yone.

“Do you want me to help you get out of here?” Yone’s voice cut through the cacophony, spoken softly right in his ear. It felt like a lifeline amidst the whirlpool. “It’s okay if you need to go to your room, until everyone calms down. Want me to help take you to your room?”

No, Aphelios didn’t deserve this kindness at all, but an inundation of gratitude washed over him nonetheless.

And, he wanted to escape so badly. He wanted to crawl under his blankets and never come back out, so what if he died there? It would feel better than this protracted torture, this betrayal of everyone he loved most.

But Aphelios screwed up his courage and shook his head no . He’d been running from this problem the entire time, it felt unforgivable if he ran again, now.

“Okay,” Yone accepted his answer without badgering, standing up but not letting the warm flat of his hand leave Phel’s back. If he had been about to speak, his new husband beat him to the punch.

“Everyone, that is enough!” K’Sante’s booming voice rang out, drowning out all the others, demanding compliance through its sheer power. “That is plenty screaming at each other for one day. Now, come sit down and finish this discussion like adults–”

“Nah, f*ck that,” Kayn spat. “I’m already somehow the bad guy here, and I’m not interested.”

Kayn moved to walk away, but it was Ezreal who stopped him, a fistful of his t-shirt caught in his hand.

“Don’t you get it?” the popstar asked him, beseeching with his eyes still full of tears. “There are no bad guys, Kayn. We need to figure this out, all together. We need to figure out what happens to Heartsteel. Please–”

Miraculously, after a long hesitation, Kayn gave an exasperated, defeated sigh and listened to Ezreal’s plea. He didn’t look remotely happy about it, but he was sitting down at the table again, arms crossed and a foul expression on his face, but willing to not give up quite yet, at least.

“Aphelios,” Yone prompted gently, his hand still kind and grounding on the young man’s shoulder. “Can you tell us why you have decided to quit Heartsteel? Perhaps if we understood…”

Before Aphelios could gather his thoughts or even lift his hands to sign, Sett answered for him.

“He thinks he’ll be holdin’ us back,” he stated plainly. On the mountaintop it had felt so much more complicated than that. And it was. But Aphelios couldn’t organize his thoughts quickly enough to refute the beast-man’s statement.

“Well that’s not a good reason,” Ezreal blurted without thinking. “I thought it was that you didn’t want to do this anymore, that you’re just going to move to Korea forever…”

Aphelios was about to clarify when he was interrupted by K’Sante. Of all the times for the band to revert to old bad habits, this had to be one of the hardest moments for Aphelios to feel like he was getting spoken over, even if he understood why.

“Is that true? Aphelios?” K’Sante asked. “If you didn’t have to leave for enlistment, would you ever want to quit?”

“I told you they would wait for you, Phel,” Alune piped up, selling out her brother irrevocably. Aphelios couldn’t be mad at her, but his sister’s allusion to the fact that he’d confessed to her many times how badly he wanted to stay with Heartsteel forever changed the timbre of the argument beyond his control.

“You idiot,” Kayn chimed in, instantly raising everyone’s heckles again. “You think it’s still Heartsteel without you? It’s not the band you’re giving up on, it’s yourself, isn’t it? I always thought you were way smarter than that. I thought you had taste. But if you think you’re replaceable, then I guess I was wrong.”

“Man… I hate that this motherf*cker is right,” Sett growled, rolling his eyes and clenching his teeth. It would have been funny under other circ*mstances, the beast-man having to concede a point like this when he was clearly still itching to wring Kayn’s neck for what he’d said earlier.

“Yeah, that was actually kind of lovely, Kayn,” Alune said, genuinely surprised.

“But this isn’t just about Heartsteel,” Ezreal insisted. “We might make music together, but that isn’t even the point here. Not to me. You guys are my family. We’re a family together.”

Then, defiantly shooting a glare at Kayn, Ezreal added, “I don’t care if you call me a loser for that, that’s how I feel!”

“I wasn’t going to,” Kayn muttered, a look of fondness coming across his face. Ezreal just turned red.

Yone kneeled again beside Phel, looking up at him, his long white hair spilling over his shoulder. “We each deserve to make our own choices, Aphelios. But do not make yours weighed by fear or doubt.”

“What feels like a selfless sacrifice may just be a mask for self-serving pride,” K’Sante enjoined, clearly on a wavelength with Yone. “I only speak from experience, Aphelios. But I can promise you that your place in Heartsteel will always be yours, should you decide this is where you belong.”

“Listen to them, Phel,” Sett kneeled on Aphelios’ other side, grabbing the hand that Yone had left free, begging him. “Please. None of us want you to quit, none of us think that you could ever be replaced. If we gotta wait for two years, even if that means a hiatus, then so what? It ain’t the end of the world, ‘n it certainly wouldn’t be the end of Heartsteel. But losin’ you might be–”

“Don’t pressure him,” Yone interrupted Sett from across Aphelios’ lap. It felt like two parents, fighting over their child in a sour divorce.

“Keep pressuring him Sett,” Alune encouraged, laughing when both her brother and Yone shot her a look. “What? You think I’m going to let my baby brother talk himself out of the best thing that’s ever happened to him? Pressure him, tell him how important he is to Heartsteel. Even if he can’t sing anymore, even if he has to leave to enlist. Tell him that he can’t be replaced, that he won’t be forgotten. He needs to hear it.”

Ezreal phase-shifted across the table, throwing his arms around Aphelios’ neck and hugging him from behind. “Don’t quit, Phelio. Even if it’s gotta be the whole two years, it’ll pass before you know it. Doesn’t it feel like we were moving in just yesterday? And that was two and a half years ago. Time’ll fly by before you know it. I can even game on your accounts if you give me your logins, so you won’t have to lose your ladder ranking. Just… don’t quit.”

Aphelios could not help but laugh at that, not only at the thought that Ezreal assumed he could maintain his high rankings, but also just from the sheer overflowing of emotion he could feel in his chest. It was like the hard shell of his heart had cracked open, and all of the love he’d ever borne along with all the grief and all the fear was running out; syrupy blood that felt like it was drowning him.

His tattered laughter transformed into sobs, and he turned into Sett’s outstretched arms, beginning to cry on his boyfriend’s chest. Soon, nearly everyone had joined in on the impromptu Phel dogpile hug, although Kayn was still standing off at a distance. The sound of several other people sniffling joined Aphelios’ own soft crying.

“We love you Phel,” Alune told him, having found enough space between the huge men to come squeeze her brother’s thigh reassuringly, peering up at him, begging him to trust. “Everyone loves you so much, even when you’re not perfect. Will you finally accept that they love you?”

Even though he’d hardly said more than a handful of words the entire time, Aphelios still felt at a loss for them. As an answer, all he could do was nod as Sett held him even tighter, trying to commit every detail of this moment to indelible memory. It felt true, everything his sister said felt true… how could it not when he was being embraced by his members, after they’d fought so hard with him and with each other for his right to stay?

He tried to remember this feeling, he tried to make his nod a promise. This felt like the truth… for now.

🎶

Time was a guillotine above Aphelios’ neck, hanging by a shivering thread. The worst part of it too was that there was no doubt about whether the blade would fall, or when it would. Two and a half months was nothing. Two and a half months might as well have been the blink of an eye. It was the fact that, during those two and a half months, the hovering blade was an everpresent companion, rarely letting Aphelios forget the threat of its heft.

Sometimes, he would get reprieve while he slept, held safely in the cradle of Sett’s warm arms. But other times, he’d dream about leaving, and wake up with tears wet on his cheeks. The nightmares he’d had as a teenager returned. Sett never seemed to tire of comforting him, even in the dead of night, even after being startled awake. He’d let Aphelios stroke his ears or his tail, the softness of his fur so grounding and comforting. The fact that Sett’s patience for this never waned, his understanding of these nighttime terrors never waning… it made Aphelios feel even guiltier.

🎶

“We should send Yone and K’Sante a screenshot and say ‘wish you were here,’” Ezreal joked as their spaceship door opened onto a virtual alien planet covered in smog and muck. “Instead they’re… where right now? The French Riviera? Lame-o!”

“They’re probably wine tasting and talking about which sauvignon blanc is ‘zestier,’” Kayn snickered.

The house had been weirdly quiet since the newlyweds had left on their honeymoon, even though Yone and K’Sante were hardly the noisiest or most boisterous members. It was probably because they were all getting their first real taste of it being anything less than the six of them and Alune, and Kayn and Sett still had not totally smoothed things over from their huge fight. Yone especially had had misgivings about leaving for half of Aphelios’ remaining time, especially when he could tell how badly the young man needed support. But it had been Aphelios himself who had begged his friends to go, telling them he’d never forgive himself if they missed out on their honeymoon or forfeited their deposits on account of his idiocy.

But without them, the house felt fractious and divided. It was only when they played games as a four-stack like old times that things improved and approached normalcy. And even this could be rife with conflict; petty squabbles over a game were no rarity with egos this big, but in the past couple weeks, Sett and Kayn had gotten into serious screaming matches over dumb sh*t, leaving Aphelios and Ezreal silent and miserable in the call.

“There’s no way we meet quota, guys.” Sett had just calculated all $23 of the salvage they had on the ship, some scrap metal being the only thing they’d managed to get to safety before being wiped the previous three rounds. “Well, it was nice knowin’ you fellow employees. I say we just start over.”

“At least let me try for a hive first,” Kayn said, interrupting the dance party he’d been having with Ezreal, before hopping down into the murk. Some creative Heartbeat had replicated their Paranoia costumes and half of the fun of the game seemed to be doing imitations of each other or getting killed in embarrassing ways while dressed as each other, but Ez and Kayn especially loved doing lewd gestures and dancing while wearing the other’s costume. Sett and Ezreal soon hopped out of the spaceship too, hoping to be able to watch their bandmate get f*cked up by bees.

Today was a rarity, because everyone seemed to be in a good mood all at once, and that included Aphelios himself. He hung back, typing ill do the door button in Discard. By necessity of each of them gaming in their own rooms, no one could see the slight grin curling Phel’s lips.

The hive gambit only worked if someone stayed on the ship, closing the door at the exact right moment, ensuring the admittance of their crew member holding the valuable beehive, but keeping out the lethal insects that would be in hot pursuit of their stolen home.

Aphelios stood, innocently listening as his three beloved bozo friends plotted how best to approach the hive. Soon enough, he heard boisterous shouting and whooping, with Kayn sprinting towards the ship, yelling for Aphelios to get ready.

The moment before Kayn reached the threshold, Aphelios intentionally shut the door prematurely, muffled screams and enraged buzzing soon coming from the other side. He giggled as he went back to the control panel and launched the spaceship leaving Sett and Ezreal to die on the alien planet, as no doubt the bees had already taken care of Kayn. They’d been about to lose anyway, so the prank was a harmless one.

Aphelios was still laughing devilishly when he was startled by a smashing sound coming from the house, followed by several other smashing sounds and pounding footsteps. His first thought was that Kayn had taken the prank poorly and was furious with him, but as Aphelios dashed down the hall to the source of the noise, he caught sight of Sett’s room through his open door. One of the computer monitors was splintered into the fluorescent colours of broken LCD crystals, flickering garishly around a crater in its centre. On the floor, Sett’s keyboard lay in pieces, keycaps scattered across the hardwood.

For a horrible moment, Aphelios thought Sett was mad at him, that it was the Vastayan who’d lost his temper over his boyfriend’s playful sabotage. But screaming began to come from the basem*nt, where Kayn had claimed the biggest room.

What happened? Aphelios signed at Ezreal, who he found at the top of the basem*nt stairs, looking as panicked as he felt.

“You didn’t hear what Kayn said about you?” he asked back, wide-eyed.

No . Aphelios had been cut off from their comms when he’d closed the spaceship door. But he could fill in the blanks easily enough. Kayn had probably said something nasty, and Sett had exploded. Below them, the two men were screaming at each other, about to come to blows.

Aphelios didn’t wait for more details, sprinting down the stairs and rushing to Sett’s side, shocked by what he saw. The Vastayan’s face was red and sweaty, and a throbbing vein was showing sharply on the side of his neck. Magic was already flared on his fists, and his fangs seemed elongated, as if in preparation to tear Kayn’s throat out. He’d never seen him this angry, and Sett’s fury was so blinding that for a moment, he didn’t even register how Aphelios was body blocking him from getting physical, the beast-man simply continuing to shout over him like he was a piece of furniture.

“This is why nobody wanted you in a f*ckin’ band, Kayn,” Sett roared, insensible to how hard Aphelios was trying to hold him back. “You’re such a f*ckin’ piece of sh*t, ‘n you can’t even help it, that’s just how you are!”

“Sett, stop!” Ezreal pleaded, having found the courage to follow Aphelios down the stairs, but looking like he was about to throw up. “It was just a joke, it wasn’t funny, but Kayn was joking–”

Kayn was just watching, his body tense even as he affected relaxation. He was taut, like a compressed spring, ready to react if Sett suddenly broke free and made his move. But the smirk on his face was awful, and on some level, Aphelios could understand why Sett was so incensed even as he tried to calm him down.

“Sett,” he called out as loud as he could, though he felt the instant uncomfortable burn rise in his disused throat. “Whatever he said, it doesn’t matter.”

The beast-man’s chest was still heaving, and he unconsciously tested how easy it would be to break free of Aphelios’ grip on his shirt. Aphelios could put the pieces together, easily enough. Kayn had probably said something nasty, something that had torn open the wound of Aphelios’ enlistment. Sett had a formidable temper, but getting angry like this over Kayn provoking him? It had little to do with the rapper or his sh*t-eating grin.

“Sett,” Aphelios said again, seeing teal eyes refocus a little. “This isn’t Kayn’s fault. This is my fault. Just come upstairs with me, leave him be.”

Finally, Sett’s full attention was on Aphelios, and indignant but far less furious, he spoke down to his lover.

“No it ain’t, Phel. This ain’t your fault–”

“Well…!” Kayn piped up sarcastically, apparently spoiling for a fight.

Instantly, Sett was riled again, straining against Aphelios’ hands on his chest. “Kayn! Smile one more f*ckin’ time ‘n I’ll put your teeth down your goddamn throat, you f*cksmear!”

“What the f*ck is wrong with you?” Ezreal asked Kayn, his voice full of disgust. Apparently, that was far more potent than any of the Vastayan’s threats, because finally, Kayn’s smile faltered into a contemptuous sneer.

“Sett, please,” Aphelios begged. His throat felt too strangled to say more. Gambling, he took his hands away from pushing Sett back to sign. Just come upstairs with me, please.

Though he tried to hold it in, Aphelios could not help but cough, the sudden shouting straining his vocal cords. His body shook with dry hacking that only irritated his throat more. Unintentionally, his moment of weakness snapped Sett out of his rage completely, and Aphelios felt strong arms support him, a warm hand on his back as he coughed and caught his breath.

“Maybe when your little boyfy isn’t here anymore to play peacemaker we can have a rematch, beast-man,” Kayn said acidly as Aphelios and Sett began to make their way back upstairs.

This time, it was Ezreal who snapped, his voice unsteady with emotion, his fists balled at his side as he screamed. “My god Kayn, what the f*ck is your problem?!”

Finally, it seemed Kayn had his hands full with the fight he’d been looking for, caring far more about how upset Ezreal was with him now than anything Sett had done, though he would never admit it. Miraculously, Sett too had totally lost interest in his bandmate’s provocations, though he did mutter a string of foul vulgarities as he helped a coughing Aphelios up the stairs and to the kitchen, automatically beginning to make him some tea.

Upstairs, once Aphelios had finished his tea and his throat was soothed, he found his hands and lap full of his Vastayan as they lay together on Phel’s bed, avoiding the carnage in Sett’s room for now. There may have been few things that could calm Sett’s indomitable temper, but ear pets and cuddles with Aphelios were one of them. They could still hear snatches of Ezreal and Kayn’s raised voices for a little while, until that quieted too.

It was hard to know where things would go from here, if they could be repaired. Aphelios was still trying to sort out his thoughts, trying to figure out what to say to Sett, when soft steps ascended the stairs, followed by an equally gentle knock on his door. Too soft to be Kayn.

Aphelios knocked back on the wall, the way he did as the established signal for come in when he couldn’t talk.

Ezreal entered, looking flushed and tearful, already apologizing if he was bothering them.

You’re fine, Aphelios told him. I’m sorry I started that, Ez. I didn’t mean to.

“That wasn’t your fault,” Ezreal told him right away. “Kayn should never have said that, much less been a dick about it after.”

Aphelios thought of asking precisely what Kayn had said about him, but decided against it. He didn’t need to know… he didn’t need that rattling around in his head. Bringing it up would serve no good purpose.

“You can say that again,” Sett said, not bothering to even lift his head out of Phel’s lap, pouting. “But it ain’t up to you to try ‘n talk sense into him either, Ez. ‘Specially with whatever sh*t he’s got goin’ on with Rhaast.”

“That isn’t it,” Ezreal protested, fiddling with the strings on his bubblegum pink hoodie. “I know he’s being an asshole, and he’d probably kill me if he caught me telling you guys this, but he’s just scared. That’s all this is.”

Sett scoffed loudly, lifting his head long enough to let Ezreal see him roll his eyes.

What do you mean? Aphelios signed, hoping to encourage his friend to keep opening up. For Ezreal to get serious and try diplomacy like this, whatever was going on was clearly close to his heart.

“I’m gonna be real with you, Phel,” Ez began spilling his guts, and it soon became clear why Kayn would have been upset had he overheard. “Kayn thinks he’s really, really mad at you. I keep telling him it’s not like you wanted this, and I mean, it’s super obvious how hard this is for you. But the truth is, he’s just terrified.”

“Kayn doesn’t even have the right to be mad at Phel–”

Sett was interrupted by a gentle hand on his chest, calming him. Aphelios appreciated his boyfriend’s loyalty, but he was missing the point right now.

“Dude, I know he acts like a dickweasel,” Ezreal continued. “Like, OFTEN. But you guys also know how much he cares about Heartsteel. He’s scared this is gonna blow up in his face, especially since he’s finally let himself care so much. It’s already his second chance, and I think he doesn’t realize it, but he’s trying to sabotage it, before we can break up some other way.”

“If he keeps sayin’ sh*t like that, he’s gonna get himself kicked out,” Sett growled. “That wasn’t f*ckin’ cool, Ez.”

“I’m not saying it was, trust me. I told him that he was so outta line for that, and I know it doesn’t seem like it, but… he felt really bad. He loves you, Phel. He respects you so much, that’s how I know when he says nasty stuff, it’s just… misdirected. But Sett, you gotta cool it with the talk about kicking him out… that just makes it a billion times worse.”

That makes sense, Aphelios told Ezreal. I really appreciate you telling us this. I’m sorry you’re in the middle.

“I mean, I get it too,” Sett said, less fiery now, but still obviously pissed. “We’re all scared, but that means we should all be there for each other, mannin’ up. Bein’ scared doesn’t give Kayn a free pass to act like a f*ckass, or hurt Phel. What kinda man would I be if I just sat back ‘n twiddled my thumbs while I listened to someone takin’ shots at him?”

“I’m not asking you to give him a free pass,” Ezreal replied earnestly. His cheeks were getting flushed again. Aphelios realized that, out of them all, Ezreal had no one to unload with, not if Kayn was struggling this much. The young man must be under incomprehensible pressure. “But you are also the co-leader of Heartsteel…”

You might have to be the bigger man, Aphelios signed to Sett, who craned his neck to see. And I know you want to protect me, but this isn’t some rude stranger. We’re close enough with Kayn that it’s okay if we show him some grace.

“Yeah,” Ezreal agreed, though careful not to make Sett feel like he was being ganged up on. “That’s all I’m trying to say. He’s acting weird, but it’s not how he actually feels. Just keep that in mind.”

“Like a child who wants attention, even if it’s bad attention,” Sett said, a little jab in itself, but… perhaps not untrue.

“Yeah, and it’s up to you to not get baited.” Ezreal’s hoodie strings were now in some kind of tangled bow, and he shifted awkwardly as he waited for Sett to either acquiesce, or bite his head off for interfering.

We’re all scared about the future, just remember that, sweetheart. Aphelios knew that, if these cracks showing so early were not repaired, they threatened to open into fissures, and Heartsteel might really not make it once Aphelios left. He didn’t care what happened to him, what was or was not said about him, when compared with the future of the band.

Sett seemed about to argue more, before he stopped himself, and sighed hard.

“Yeah, okay,” was all he said, before curling his huge body around his boyfriend’s, holding Aphelios around the middle and burying his face into his torso. Not unlike the little child he’d just accused Kayn of being.

Ezreal and Aphelios looked at each other, Ez graciously understanding it was time for him to go. Thank you, Aphelios signed as his friend nodded and closed the door behind him quietly.

As Aphelios continued to pet Sett’s head, one or two sniffles began to emanate from the beast-man.

“I am real scared too, Phel,” Sett confessed tearfully. “‘Specially when sh*t like this happens, ‘n I start wonderin’ if we can make it without you… if I can make it without you…”

Aphelios’ heart clenched so hard it felt like a nail had been driven through it.

“I know,” Aphelios whispered, pushing his voice to be heard. “I’m sorry.”

Maybe Kayn was being a sh*t about it, but Aphelios could not bring himself to find resentment for anyone other than himself. It made him sick, how much of an effect he was having, totally beyond his control. Sett was traumatized, grappling poorly with his fear of abandonment, when if he’d been dating anyone other than Aphelios, none of this would have needed to happen.

And, there was one thing he did not agree on with his boyfriend: Aphelios thought Kayn had every right to be angry about this arbitrary bomb thrown into the midst of Heartsteel. Sometimes the anger was almost refreshing… everyone else was trying to keep up their reassurances that it would all work out, that Heartsteel would be here for Aphelios when he came back. That felt like foolishness, when the evidence of rifts already opening was impossible to ignore.

Sometimes it felt like the optimism was a lie. Sometimes, Aphelios couldn’t fathom how everyone didn’t secretly hate him.

🎶

The first headline Aphelios saw about his own enlistment was surreal.

Heartsteel’s Aphelios to Enlist for Mandatory Military Service, Departure in Six Weeks Label Source says

He read it over and over, till the words lost their meaning, till they were just lines on a screen. But still, the feeling like he’d just received a shotgun blast to the chest would not fade.

🎶

There were times when the pain of what Aphelios was sure was to come made him regret he’d ever been born, much less answered Sett’s DM, and agreed to be in Heartsteel.

What was the point of any of this, of the taste for happiness he’d only just acquired over the past few years, just so it could be taken away like this? Aphelios had never felt like he was asking for overly much from life, but especially considering how his had begun, it was only natural that a man might start wondering what the f*ck the point of any of it was.

Even so, it would be Sett who would make him feel so conflicted again. Aphelios could have exhausted or eviscerated himself with how much he hated his own waffling, but in Sett’s embrace, being the reason Sett laughed, or hearing the Vastayan softly murmur I love you … Aphelios’ bitter ire would crumble, dissolving in the way ocean waves eroded a sand castle. When he was with Sett, Aphelios found it impossible to regret having met him, or having fallen in love.

But what good was it… to admit he couldn’t regret it… when this pain never eased all the same?

🎶

Aphelios hadn’t anticipated how he’d behave when Yone and K’Sante returned, but in a way, it made a certain amount of sense in a f*cked up way. The change was subtle, the role so familiar even after all these years. The cues were detectable only to Alune, because she was the only one who’d seen it before. No one else recognized this empty cheerfulness, how Aphelios went even quieter than he had been.

The pranks stopped, his signature playful emoji texts stopped. He spent much time in his room, playing his instruments perfectly, composing adequate music. He helped with the chores, overly diligent. It was different than how he’d hidden in his shell when he’d first arrived, slowly becoming more comfortable and revealing more and more of his true self.

This Aphelios was only shell.

Aphelios himself didn’t realize the numb regression, until Alune had told him he was scaring her, that she could only remember him being like this back in the days before he’d run away from their parents.

🎶

if it was just me and u i would dodge, Aphelios texted Sett one evening, a month from enlistment. He had been drinking. He probably would have never admitted such a thing if he hadn’t been drunk.

what do u mean sweetheart? Sett had messaged back instantly.

No doubt that even as he was helping his mom move some furniture, the Vastayan had been keeping one eye on his phone. Sett had become more clingy than ever, to the point of Aphelios feeling a small amount of relief that plans finally demanded his boyfriend be out of the city for a day, until Sett had actually left, and Aphelios had tried to fill the silence with the compositions he was working on. When that had failed to be anything less than unbearable, Aphelios had sought oblivion instead.

Alone in his bedroom, staring at those little glow in the dark stars he’d painted, he was drunk enough that slow tears would not stop leaking from his eyes, too passively for it to be said he was crying. It was more akin to how blood seeped from an open wound.

if it wouldnt hurt alune so much
if we werent in heartsteel
if somehow it was just u and me
i wouldnt enlist
i wouldnt leave

Aphelios watched the bubble pop up and disappear several times beside Sett’s name. Evidently, Sett was at a rare loss for words. After a long while, a message came through.

sweetheart
i promised ur sis i wouldnt ever tell ya to dodge, but i gotta ask. i never got why itd be so unforgivable if u did

if i ever went back to korea theyd arrest me, Aphelios explained, reaching for his drink that was more vodka than soda and taking a long swig, reading his boyfriend’s reply, much quicker this time.

i really dont want 2 be a sh*thead but… u told me u dont even like it there. im just askin if it would be such a big deal if you just never went back? or do they send dudes after u or somethin

And then, i swear im just askin cuz i dont understand. i aint tryin 2 be a blockhead

It was a fair question, and Aphelios didn’t blame Sett for not understanding.

they dont send people after u, and i think i could live without ever going back if it was just me. but i cant do that to alune, to take that away from her

and it would be a huge deal in the news. thats what i meant about if i wasnt in heartsteel. if i dodge, itll ruin our reputation, we’ll lose sponsorships, forget about ever performing there again. none of us would ever be forgiven for it either. i cant do that to u guys

A pause, presumably as Sett was digesting this information. Aphelios regretted ever having felt relief that his boyfriend would have to be out of the house. This inebriated and miserable, all he wanted was for Sett to hold him tightly.

when are u going to be home? Aphelios typed in the text bar, before deleting it, and finishing his drink instead. If he wrote that, no doubt Sett would agonize over a way to rush back, cutting short his time with his mother.

this is so f*ckn unfair man, Sett replied, somehow simultaneously an understatement and a perfect summation. It was really f*cking unfair. i wish i could do this in ur place babe

dont say that sett 💙

y not? The Vastayan asked. id probably get to work out every day, while u would get to stay n keep writin music, n take care of the fishies. u know they dont come to the glass when i feed em the way they do with u right? ur their fish dad

when im gone theyll come to the glass for u, Aphelios told him, curling onto his side, clutching the blue bunny toy Sett had bought him years ago now, on Heartsteel’s first trip together to the zoo. ur going to take good care of them right?

i promise i will, Sett typed back immediately. n you get phone hours n stuff too, right? so i can still ask u any questions i got. n i can send you daily pics of all the lil buggers… maybe facetime w them so they dont forget ur beautiful face?

That managed to coax a tiny smile from Aphelios, sparking a brief flash of rare optimism. From what Aphelios understood, he’d still be allowed to keep a personal cell phone, and use it daily, albeit during certain hours. Maybe the separation wouldn’t be quite so brutal, if they could still talk like this every day…

A quick Guugle search confirmed that the set hours of cell phone usage would translate to 1:00-3:00 a.m. for Sett. There was no doubt that the Vastayan would stay up for every single minute of it just to talk to his boyfriend, but the thought of disrupting Sett’s sleep schedule that much made Aphelios feel horrible.

Sett shouldn’t have to live for two years, glued to his phone every weekend and into the small hours of the morning, destroying his routine, suffering to become nocturnal in a way that had never come naturally for him.

The third result in the search caught Aphelios’ attention, an article about pop stars and their phones in the military, and he opened it. He only needed to read a few sentences before new devastation settled in afresh, and Aphelios realized it might be a horrific mistake to bring a phone at all.

did i take it too far 🌙🐇 ? Sett asked, worried at Aphelios’ delay in responding.

no, Aphelios responded, the tears beginning to flow again. Sett deserved better, Sett deserved to fully enjoy the prime of his life. Aphelios would only tie him down, and probably ruin his life in the process.

ill just miss u so much, Aphelios wrote with shaking hands, curling up tighter under his covers, trying to contend with the splitting pain burgeoning in his chest.

🎶

“I booked the hotel room,” Alune said, trying to keep her tone neutral. But Aphelios saw how her eyes flickered to his face, dubiously checking to see if he was as fragile today as she worried he was. “I figured it shouldn’t wait any longer, there’s only two weeks…”

Thank you, was all he signed. And he was grateful, that his sister had the presence of mind to worry about these things, ensuring they had somewhere to stay, that their flights were booked, that Aphelios’ passport was valid for long enough.

“...I’m sorry I can’t extend my stay,” she continued. “I was hoping I could do online classes, because I know it would help you to have someone nearby… but they wouldn’t let me do that for my final year…”

Thank you for even trying, he repeated. I’m so sorry you even have to deal with this while trying to finish your MBA.

“Don’t worry about that, my little baby brother. You know I want to be there for you no matter what… but… I think after I help you get set up, I might go see Mom and Dad…”

Aphelios tried to hide the way his stomach dropped at their mention. He could tell from how hard she was hedging that this was a mere trickle of truths, and the one she thought he’d have the hardest time hearing was yet to come.

“Phel…” Here it came. “They’ve been asking how you’re doing.”

Finally, he lifted his eyes, meeting hers, staring at her hard.

What did you tell them? It was unavoidable that they knew he was enlisting, they’d forwarded his letter, after all. But beyond that…

“Nothing,” Alune assured him. “I’m no longer your keeper. But… they did want me to tell you, they’re really proud of you.”

A feeling akin to a sudden deep freeze permeated Aphelios’ body. The only thing that let him know he was still alive was that he could feel his own pulse, racing in his chest, like that of a terrified prey animal. A cornered rabbit.

“I shouldn’t have said anything…” Alune apologized, having received the reaction from her brother she’d been afraid of. Somehow, Aphelios felt like he was disappointing her.

For a moment, the deep freeze erupted, burnt up in a sudden immolation of fury, like a hurricane of magma, scorching his insides. None of it showed on his face, but his twin sensed this internal catastrophe.

“Forget what they said, Phel. Forget I brought it up.”

But he couldn’t. There was still a part of him, a live wick buried in a limb he’d long thought was dead. The moment he’d heard those words, he could feel those branches lift, seeking the sunshine of parental approval, moving of their own accord. Apart from him, and yet completely, reductively him.

He wished his heart wouldn’t pound at the thought, that he could keep the deep freeze and not feel this twinge behind his breastbone, like a sob choked off, held there for years. Especially not when what they were proud of was this. Something Aphelios would have never chosen for himself, something Aphelios didn’t want to do. Something that threatened to cost him everything he had ever actually wanted, and worked for. Everything he loved.

Bitterness trickled in after the volcanic anger, like acid seeping into his bloodstream and corroding. Of course this is what would make them proud. It would have never been for Heartsteel, for being happy, for finding someone he loved so much.

They would be proud of the thing that had destroyed all of that.

🎶

“I ain’t gonna lie, mooncake. I’m gonna miss doin’ that a lot.”

Sett intertwined their fingers, pulling Aphelios’ naked body close against him, kissing his forehead that was damp with sweat.

“Do you get to keep wearin’ this?” Sett twiddled the ring on Aphelios’ hand, the one that matched with his, as Aphelios caught his breath.

“I don’t know,” Aphelios murmured back, looking at his hand enclosed in Sett’s much larger grip. His heart panged painfully.

“Well, I won’t stop wearin’ mine, I can promise ya that.” Sett sighed heavily, stroking Aphelios’ back absent-mindedly, staring up at the painted stars glowing on the ceiling. “You know, I bet after two years of no action, I’m gonna feel like a born again virgin when you come back.”

Aphelios smiled as Sett chuckled against him, though he had already thought about that and agonized over it. Outside of this relationship, his sex drive had been nearly non-existent, and even he was wondering how badly he would miss intimacy with Sett. For the beast-man who’d always had voracious appetites, Aphelios could only assume it would make him insane. And both of them were far too jealous for hall passes. It was a recipe for failure.

Checking Aphelios’ phone that was still playing soft music on the bedside table, Sett looked at the time. It was already well past midnight.

“Goddamn… I really can’t believe you gotta leave today…”

They both had had few moments in the past two months where either of them could forget what was about to happen. But addressing it aloud gave the oppressive weight of it a tangible sharpness, revving the sadness into anxious panic. If Aphelios could have had his way, no one would have spoken about his having to leave, right until the moment he boarded the plane.

Aphelios reached for one of Sett’s ears, stroking it in his fingers, perhaps one of the first steps in a long, protracted farewell. He could tell Sett was trying not to cry.

“Stay up with me,” he whispered, those fuzzy red ears swivelling against his hand automatically, trying to pick up the soft sound. “Let’s not sleep tonight.”

“Is that a challenge?” Sett turned into him, grinning a little before he pressed several deep kisses to Aphelios’ lips. “You got it, darlin’.”

This could be the next part of the long goodbye then, and certainly a better way to spend their last hours together rather than endlessly ruminating.

“Slowly this time,” Aphelios requested, combing his fingers through curly red hair as Sett’s head was already descending, tattooing kisses into the skin of Aphelios’ sternum, going lower, underneath the blankets.

One thing Sett could be proud of was that he was such a good lover, he made it impossible for even an overthinker like Aphelios to stay removed from the moment for long. Aphelios’ thoughts melted as he bit his lower lip, both of them beginning to enjoy the rest of their last night together.

🎶

You don’t need your second restraining order, Aphelios signed, the shadow of a fond smile on his otherwise gaunt face.

“Yeah, but… they’re drivin’ me f*ckin’ crazy Phel.” Sett was antsy, clenching and unclenching his fists, looking around the airport terminal at the swarm of paparazzi, perhaps trying to pick which nosey photographer he could hassle with the least likelihood of them pressing criminal charges.

Kayn was suffering from no such compunctions, and boldly, he held up both middle fingers, waving his arms around at the paparazzi in an elaborate, mocking dance. “All of you vultures can go f*ck yourselves~” he sing-songed, before Yone told him to pipe down, even though he too was wearing a tiny smirk of approval.

Aphelios didn’t know how to feel; they’d all said goodbye earlier in the privacy of the house and had a late and long farewell lunch. But with his baggage checked and the next step to go through TSA checks, where his bandmates would not be allowed to follow… this felt like the real goodbye. It was impossible to savour the bittersweetness of his closest friends and colleagues insisting on escorting him and Alune, because rather than a family parting with one of its beloved members, the uncouth paparazzi crowding behind the security stanchions made it more like a feeding frenzy.

He was angry such an important moment would be ruined by their fame, especially when this might very well be the last time they were together as Heartsteel… or that Sett was his boyfriend. The future was so uncertain, for all of them.

But, at the same time, Aphelios was fairly sure that if he’d had to experience this moment in its full intensity with no distractions, they would have had to sedate him to get him through the gates, much less onto the plane.

“Hey, Phelio,” Ezreal spoke from beside him, and Aphelios hoped that while his attention was on his friend, that Sett would not do something stupid. “Hold out your hand.”

Aphelios obeyed, extending a gloved hand, half-expecting Ezreal to attempt one last counter prank before his departure. Instead, a little bronze figurine was deposited in his palm, a somewhat crude bird carving, but its crudeness in no way detracted from its charm.

What is this? Aphelios asked, already seeing how Ezreal’s eyes were shining.

“Ah it’s nothin’, just a little gift for my museum bestie. I, uh… I just wanted to give that to you…”

Ezreal’s overly bright smile was distorted by how he began chewing on the inside of his cheek, hard. Aphelios looked from his face back to the little bird, and began putting the pieces together.

This is something really special, right? It’s old, isn’t it? I don’t think I should take this…

“No! I’m giving it to you! And it’s, um… my dad gave me that before he and Mom left on their last expedition. I don’t know why he was allowed to take it from a dig site… maybe he wasn’t! But he gave that to me and told me… haha, nevermind. It’s kind of dumb!”

I want to hear, Ez, Aphelios prompted him gently. As he looked at the figurine, he could feel the tears perched at the back of his throat. He felt awful about accepting such a gift, but neither could he quite bring himself to force the figurine back into Ezreal’s hand.

“...Dad told me that if I whispered anything I wanted him to know into that little bird’s ear, the bird would fly and find him while I slept and deliver my messages. I used to talk to it every night—’cause I was like ten, okay? But I wanted you to have it, ‘cause I figured you’d be the one with messages you wanna whisper before you go to sleep. And I’ll make sure I keep my eyes peeled for any little birdies.”

Fighting tears, watching Ezreal begin to fight them too, and fail, Aphelios clenched the bird in his fist and reached to embrace his friend tightly. He could feel Ezreal begin to shake against him, and it broke Aphelios’ heart in a way he hadn’t known was possible—he hadn’t even known there were pieces left that were big enough to shatter again, but the specialness of Ez’s gift and the fact that the chipper, loud, vivacious hamster of Heartsteel was sobbing in his arms was a new devastation.

“Thank you so much,” Aphelios whispered into Ezreal’s ear. “I’ll miss you a lot. Love you, Ez.”

“Love you too, Phelio!” Ezreal wailed into his sweater, leaving tear stains and snot on the fabric. If he kept crying that hard, he’d make himself sick… of course the staccato click of camera shutters got even louder as the young man wept, and before Aphelios himself could do something stupid, K’Sante’s giant form closed in, blocking basically any good shot a photographer could hope to sell.

“Come, little one,” he comforted Ezreal, coaxing him to let go of Aphelios and cling to him instead. “They have to leave, and so do we. But long goodbyes are hard, aren’t they? Especially for you, my friend.”

K’Sante’s stolid, paternal energy was so calming that even Aphelios felt an influx of temporary strength, and after nodding and wiping his eyes and his face, Ezreal found the will to buck up and collect himself, at least until they were away from prying eyes.

“I’ll take care of them, don’t you worry… especially the big sad red one,” K’Sante promised Aphelios with a comforting smile, before he began guiding Ezreal away. It was true, everyone was running out of time—Aphelios and Alune would have to go catch their plane, and the rest of Heartsteel was going to a pre-meeting regarding a huge label party the next night that none of them had wanted to do, but had been told was absolutely mandatory.

Why couldn’t they have all had just a little more time… together…

“See ya, Phel,” Kayn had come around for his goodbye now, making an admirable show of casualness in spite of the ‘f*ck you’ song and dance he’d just done to the paparazzi that was no doubt going viral as they spoke.

No ‘loser’? No ‘Moon Boy’ or ‘dingus’? Just ‘Phel’? Aphelios mirrored Kayn’s smirk as he teased him.

“Not today,” Kayn grinned, clapping Aphelios on the shoulder, before on second thought, he pulled him in for a hug, perhaps one of the first Aphelios could remember getting from him. “I could be wrong, but… I think it’s gonna really suck without you around.”

Aphelios gave a little laugh, hugging Kayn back, letting the other man awkwardly end things with a bizarre handshake without even mocking him for it. In Kayn-speak, that goodbye may as well have been comparable to Ezreal’s weeping and telling Aphelios he loved him.

Instinctively, everyone seemed to be letting Sett have the last goodbye, and so Yone approached now, ruffling Aphelios’ teal hair affectionately.

“You stay safe, alright? If you can do that, then I’ll agree to keep an eye on these oafs, hopefully keep them from burning the place down…”

Aphelios returned Yone’s slight smile, in that moment both of them perhaps wishing more than anything that their days of putting out fires—literal and metaphorical—and the other Heartsteel shenanigans that could sometimes be so annoying could have never ended, even if Aphelios had started a few of the fires himself.

“You’ll always have us, Aphelios,” Yone promised him, holding him by the arms and looking at him with such abundant pride he could have easily been Aphelios’ father instead of the one he’d actually come from. “We’ll always be here for you, no matter what happens, no matter what you do, or how you think you’ve changed.”

The words instantly caused an eruption of shame, heating Aphelios’ face a deep red. There had been many instances where the band had joked Yone was psychic, but the specificity in his words left Aphelios feeling targeted and bare, like his mom had read his diary and was presciently warning him against the plans she’d read there.

“Because we love you,” Yone concluded, waiting till he saw Aphelios raise his face and nod assent. Maybe, if he could have taken Yone with him, that voice of reason would be powerful enough to keep him from giving into foolishness…

But Yone had already stepped away, leaving only a giant, deflated catboy in front of Aphelios.

“Phel,” Alune prompted him gently, having already said her temporary farewells ages ago. “Not too long, or we’ll miss our flight…”

“Don’t worry, Lunie,” Sett answered her. “I won’t keep him long.”

With heartbreak and adoration written plainly on his face, Sett looked down at his soulmate, his ears wilted against his head and his tail still.

“Tell me when ya get there safe, okay mooncake? I’ll be waitin’...” Sett leaned in a few millimetres, as if to kiss Aphelios, before remembering there were hundreds of eyes on them and stopping himself. For a second, Aphelios wanted to do nothing more than grab the Vastayan by his lapels and kiss him, boldly, lovingly, in front of everyone, in front of the whole world.

But he forced the moment to pass… he could not do that to Sett, could not leave him that kind of mess to deal with. Especially when he knew what he had to do.

Instead, he whispered that he promised he would, hardly any sound emerging, more his lips mouthing the words than anything.

They embraced each other, Sett inhaling his boyfriend’s scent deeply one last time, not being able to bring himself to care what kind of remarks that would get if anyone caught it. But as they hugged, Aphelios could feel the beast-man’s hand travel down to the front of his sweater, depositing something small in one of the pockets.

“Just a little somethin’ you can open later, Phel. It ain’t a big deal, ‘cause you already had mine, ‘n you always will.”

Aphelios was about to ask what this meant, if it was some kind of riddle, but Sett just winked at him, and pulled away, gritting his teeth hard so he wouldn’t cry.

It was time to leave. Aphelios turned, and with his sister walked towards security, soon out of view of his friends, with nothing but what felt like his doom waiting for him.

Later, on the plane, Aphelios opened the gift to find a necklace inside, made with black and silver metal, a flat, square locket with a cut out of the photo of them inside. It was the one they’d taken in Korea, their cheeks smushed together and both of them grinning like fools.

“Aw, a little heart,” Alune had said, peering over at the necklace in her brother’s hands, noticing an engraving on the front of the pendant, closer to an anatomical heart than a stylized one, exactly Aphelios’ style.

His heart, Aphelios thought to himself, understanding.

When she finished helping him put it on, Alune asked Aphelios to turn around so she could see, but he would not. Instead she watched as his shoulders began to shake, as he put his face into his hands and crumbled into the airplane seat, sobbing.

Alune held him for a long, long time, stroking his back, crying silently with him. Over and over she told him it would be okay, that he could get through this, that Heartsteel would be okay. That he and Sett loved each other so much, if any two people could ace long distance and come back stronger for it, it was them…

But all Aphelios could think of while she tried to reassure him was that he’d already made up his mind.

🎶

“You aren’t going to bed?” Alune asked, yawning and stretching. “I don’t think I’ll ever get used to that flight, I’m beat…”

Aphelios just indicated he wanted to have his last bath for a long time, a plausible enough excuse and reasonable pretext for why he’d be bringing his laptop into the bathroom. Too tired to lecture him as much as he could tell she wanted to, Alune just flopped down onto the hotel bed, groaning. “Don’t stay up too late, or you’ll end up sleeping through your last full day…”

In any lighter of a mood, he might have found the energy to mockingly thank her for the lovely reminder that he was a free man for just over 24 more hours. But he said nothing and just shrugged, which Alune probably didn’t even see. She would be asleep within minutes, he knew. But Aphelios still wanted privacy for this, and he locked the door behind him before he sat on the bathroom floor, letting the tub water run for a suitable amount of time, staring numbly at his open laptop.

You have to do it, he told himself. It has to be now, or it will be never. It’s better this way. It’s better this way. There are so many reasons.

It’s better this way.

Taking a deep breath, he willed his hands to move, opening up his DMs with Sett, typing out a message before his brain—or, more accurately, his heart—could interfere.

sett
are you there?

If he didn’t get a response, he would still go through with it. It was awful, unforgivable, but maybe, selfishly, it would be easier for him–

Sett began typing immediately, clearly having been eagerly waiting for any word from his boyfriend.

im here mooncake!!!
did u get there safely? was the flight smooth?

A.
ya i got here safe

The Boss
thats good! i miss u tons already
fed the fish, checked on ur room, everythings good
have u shaved ur head yet? promise ull get alune to send a pic
i bet itll be the cutest thing ever w ur big ears

A.
not yet

The Boss
i wish i coulda come w u
maybe hung around for a week just so i could make sure ur ok
its only like 10am here but it’s the middle of the night 4 u isnt it? lol gonna take some getting used to
we’re just gettin ready for that stupid f*ckn label party no one wants to f*ckn go to tonight

Aphelios wished so badly that Sett could read his mind, could have sensed what was about to come. It already felt nearly impossible to have to do this while Sett was online, but for him to be so chatty and so happy to talk to Aphelios… this would carry the cruelty of a sucker punch. No… of a knife in the back.

He had to do it. It would be better this way.

A.
sett
we need to talk

Those four little words. Sett had to know, these were the ripples before the tsunami.

The typing bubble did not appear beside the beast-man’s name. His profile picture was one of the photobooth pictures of him and Aphelios. That little detail made this so much worse.

A.
its over
im sorry
but i cant do this
its over, we’re done

Then: i understand if u hate me

No typing bubble; instead a voice call invitation began ringing. Aphelios declined it automatically, his heart in his throat and his fingertips going numb. He couldn’t do this in a call, he wouldn’t be able to go through with it if he could hear Sett’s voice.

The Boss
answer

Another call, instantly declined again.

The Boss
WHAT THE f*ck
ANSWER

Another call, unanswered.

A.
im not going to answer sett
please understand im serious this time

The Boss
wtf phel
not this again
i already told u
i aint lettin u break up w me unless its for an actual f*ckn reason!!!!!!

A.
i do have reasons
just because u dont like them doesnt mean they arent reasons

The Boss
i cant believe ur doin this
like this too
idk what the f*ck i have to tell u 2 get u 2 understand
I WILL f*ckING WAIT FOR YOU
idgaf if u think im wasting “my prime”
idgaf if u are positive im making a mistake
why dont i get 2 decide that for me?????????
u promised me u would let us at least give it a chance!!!!

A.
sett, i didnt
i never promised

A string of calls, all declined.

The Boss
jesus f*ckn christ phel WHAT THE f*ck
please dont do this
please

A.
i dont want u to wait for me
i dont want to promise anything
because i cant keep any promises
please understand
just please go and be happy

The Boss
YOU MAKE ME HAPPY!!!!!
YOU!!!
EVEN JUST WAITIN FOR YOU MAKES ME HAPPIER THAN THE THOUGHT OF EVER TRYIN TO FIND THIS AGAIN
TRYIN TO FIND WHAT I HAVE WITH YOU!!!!!!!!!!!
I DONT NEED YOU TO PROMISE ME ANYTHING
I NEVER ASKED FOR TOMORROW
I JUST WANT YOU TO LET ME TRY TODAY

A.
its over im sorry

The Boss
NO
No
no
no!!!!!
it takes 2 to tango n i know this isnt even what u want
give me one actual reason
if u can answer my call and give me one single actual reason ill let it go
if u can do that i swear on my mommas life ill let u break up w me
tell me u want out bc u dont love me
tell me i dont make u happy too
tell me that n ill respect it
ull break my f*ckn heart but i would let u go cuz i would never trap u
tell me n ill let u go

All he had to do was type it. It didn’t matter if it was a lie, his heart was already feeling like it had been torn out.

i dont love you, he typed out. The cursor blinked in the text box, waiting for him to press enter.

He backspaced, deleting it all.

you dont make me happy , he tried instead.

But he was weak, because Aphelios could not send this either.

He knew Sett was watching, he knew he could see Aphelios second guess himself. He’d already failed, Sett would never let it go, would never let him go now.

Why didn’t he understand that he deserved so much more than this? A man like Sett… while Aphelios knew he loved him truly, a man like Sett would find other happiness. He had the capacity for so much joy, and Aphelios persuaded himself that the beast-man was enough of a fighter, he would find a way to push through this wound. Something like this wouldn’t knock him down, not for long, if only he could see for himself…

Clearing the text box, Aphelios typed, beginning to feel sick. This time he pressed enter before his weakness forced him to drag this out longer.

A.
we should break up because you dont even know who i am

The Boss
LOL
FOR REAL????????
FOR REAL PHEL
THIS IS WHERE U WANNA TAKE IT
GOD DAMN
i gotta hand it 2 u
i dont think i realized u’d go this low
u are bein such an asshole rn
jesus f*ck
but u know what
i see through it
u must think im really dumb, that ill just fall for it the first time u really try 2 hurt me
what a joke, when it was YOU who made me realize
when u told me on the mountaintop that i know u, i realized u were f*ckn right
i may not know ur backstory
i may not know the details
u may be able 2 keep secrets from me sometimes
n u know what… i aint even that offended that ur tryin to lie 2 me rn
bc ur lyin 2 urself way worse
u know i know u.
i know u so well aphelios ahn
i can tell what mood ur in, just from the song ur listenin 2
i know that when u use 😙 ur so happy, ur havin fun
but when u use 😊 it means ur pissed
u call me ☀️🐺 when ur horny
i know ur so f*ckn good at rts games that u probably could have gone pro if u’d wanted
i know u have to rub ur foot against the sheets to fall asleep at night
n that sometimes you pet my tail 2 calm down
i know u like wearing ur mask in public bc u dont have to worry about ur expressions but u dont like how it ruins ur makeup
i know that u’ve had the same pic of the moon as ur lockscreen for years n that its the first moon u saw in america
i know u like to paint ur nails a really dark purple but everyone thinks its black
i know u get freckles in the sun
i know ur absolutely cracked at the violin but i also know that u look absolutely f*ckn miserable when ur playin it.
do i know why? no. but i was willin to be patient n wait until u ever felt like u could tell me
i know u like it the most when i hold u real tight when we’re havin sex
i know what u sound like when u laugh
when u cry
i know that when ur really overwhelmed that u scrunch ur nose n i try not to mention how cute it is
ur probably scrunching it now

Aphelios unscrunched his nose, trying to make his face go blank, trying to shove every roiling emotion that was battering him into a little box… the kind of box you could burn in a crematorium, reduce it to ashes that could be buried in the dark earth. He wished he could kill this part of himself so badly, because the pain he was in was beyond bearing.

He didn’t think he was strong enough to survive, especially when he felt it so keenly… how much of his strength he’d gotten from Sett.

A call started ringing through, and Aphelios nearly answered it. He let it ring the longest of all before finally declining, the hang-up button blurring as his eyes filled with tears.

The Boss
mooncake
i love u
i may not know all there is to know about u but everything i know i love
so much
n all i ever wanted was even the chance to get to know the rest n love that too
i can wait, if its for u
i can be patient
i learned how to be patient for u

Aphelios was crying now, hard. If he could have thought of what to say, his hands would have been shaking too hard to type it, and instead he covered his mouth so that his sobs would not wake his sister.

The Boss
i love u
i know what im getting into
ur pushin me away with all u got but thats ok, im pretty strong
and im stubborn as sh*t
wanna know how stubborn i am? u can tell me its over all u want but im just gonna keep bein ur boyfriend idc
cause not even u can lie n tell me i dont make u happy
n u know what? bein ur bf isnt always easy
but im okay with it, even when its hard
i never asked for easy, never wanted easy
i just want you
i want it all
even when u hurt me, even when u hide
cause im crazy about u, good bad and ugly

A.
how can u love me

Swollen tears plopped onto the keys. Aphelios could hardly see the words on the screen.

A.
how can u love me when i would do this to u
when i cant even answer a phone call
how can u love a coward

The Boss
whos a coward?
u think id love u less bc u wont answer my phone call???
ur more comfortable when u can write ur thoughts, simple as that
ive always been ok havin important talks over text
cause i know thats how u feel safe
tbh i dont really blame u for not answering bc i dont think itd be great either 2 have me screamin at u onesided, talkin over u
n i would never want u 2 hurt ur voice

A pause.

The Boss
n i know that ur probably cryin right now n u want 2 be able 2 pretend like u arent
the only thing about all this sh*t that i cant deal with is that i cant be there with u, i cant talk u out of whatever ur inner demons have convinced u of how its gotta be
that u dont deserve 2 be loved like this
im tellin u, u deserve me phel
u deserve 2 be happy, so so so happy

A wracking sob choked in Aphelios’ throat, and behind it his empty stomach heaved, bile surging into his mouth, his laptop shunted to the side just in time for Aphelios to lean over to throw up into the toilet. Blindly he groped for the bathtub tap to the side, fumbling to turn it on so that the running water would obscure the sounds of him being violently sick. He hadn’t been able to eat anything since before getting on the plane, but his body didn’t seem to care. It purged the emptiness, the force of it even drawing forth his voice in several pained moans.

Eventually, he was able to catch his breath, and blearily he wet his hand with the freezing bath water and wiped at his face, trying to clean some of the tears and spit that had smeared.

With another clipped moan he sat back down, holding his aching guts and pulling his laptop back onto his legs, his face contorting with more tears as he read Sett’s messages again, seeing he’d also tried to call several more times.

The Boss
babe u ok?
Missed Call 1:43 a.m.
sweetheart can u answer, im not tryin 2 hound u
im gettin worried
Missed Call 1:49 a.m.
even if ur still tryin 2 break up w me can u just tell me ur ok
please
Missed call 1:51 a.m.

A.
im fine, sorry

It felt fitting, how much Aphelios’ stomach hurt, how much his insides burned. It felt like he’d been gouged, impaled.

The Boss
ok
thats good
i was freakin out a bit
i dont want 2 stop talkin about this, i aint gonna let it go
but i know its gettin late over there n u’ve had a really long day. we can talk more tomorrow if u need 2 sleep
lol
see?
old me would never been able 2 let go of a fight
but u aint feeling good are u

When Aphelios didn’t immediately answer, Sett offered again. tomorrow?

Aphelios took a moment, and closed his eyes. He visualized reaching into his own chest, and taking his heart into his fist, and slowly squeezing until the lump of flesh got smaller and smaller, taking all this pain with it. Aphelios imagined squeezing, until there was nothing left but a void.

He opened his eyes, and sent his final message.

A.
no
this is done
we’re done
please dont contact me again

Before Sett had probably even finished reading those messages, Aphelios right-clicked on his ex-boyfriend’s username, and selected ‘Block Contact.’

And just like that, it was over.

It was over.

The numbness had held long enough for him to follow through, but as Aphelios thought of Sett, on the other side of the world, staring devastated as his messages wouldn’t go through, pain bloomed through his chest sharply, like his body was being torn slowly in half.

He had no idea how long he sobbed on the floor, crying into his hands, his voice fraying into ghastly hoarseness.

He knew now beyond doubt that he had never deserved this, because someone capable of what he’d just done didn’t deserve it. That in itself reinforced his decision to free Sett, but deep down even he could see through that lie, the way the Vastayan had known him too well and seen through it too.

Deep down, Aphelios was scared. Scared and acting out, just like Kayn. He believed in Sett and believed that he meant every word he said. But what he couldn’t trust were their circ*mstances, even though he himself was beyond positive he would never love anyone the way he loved Sett. But… they’d only been dating two years, and were each other’s first serious boyfriends. In Aphelios’ case, his first serious relationship, ever. That kind of thing couldn’t sustain the weight of months spent apart, miles and miles of distance, living in hours opposite of each other, subsisting on the crumbs of when they could catch each other.

Aphelios was a coward, because he was too scared of the inevitable day Sett would realize he’d fallen out of love, maybe dragging it on for another month or two, because his heart was too good and his pride too mighty to give up like that. In all honesty, Aphelios could easily see a timeline where they did last the full enlistment, precisely because Sett’s pride wouldn’t permit him to admit he’d been naive. But that was even worse, because then it would be in person… all that waiting just for Sett to have to finally confront the reality that the stranger in front of him had let him down; had changed beyond recognition, beyond loving.

A quick cut like this was better, even though it felt like amputating a healthy limb. Aphelios wasn’t brave enough to even give the chance for the rot to take hold, and weather the slow decay he was sure would come.

Kayn had been right about that, too.

Aphelios was selfish, and he was a quitter. He wouldn’t be surprised if he got an email soon, officially firing him from Heartsteel, maybe one that would include a line that agreed they should have let him quit when he’d asked to. And now, he’d given them a common enemy, Sett would have to be just as mad at Aphelios as Kayn ever was. They could all bond over how dirty Aphelios had done them, they could move on and realize they’d never needed him to begin with.

It felt really tidy, laid out like that. Like an equation, where Aphelios could just subtract himself. He knew Alune would be furious with him, but she was the one person he knew would never leave him, no matter how badly he f*cked up. They shared halves of a soul, and had been through worse.

But Sett…

He’d told himself over and over it was okay if Sett hated him for this. After all, the only thing he’d ever asked Aphelios to really truly promise was to not abandon him. What he’d done was despicable. But the thought of Sett so angry, so heartbroken…

His hands complied with the orders of his shattered heart, re-opening his laptop, his final, awful words to Sett an indelible, unforgivable sin. His brain knew it was pointless, but his heart demanded it be sent.

im so sorry sett. i hate myself so much for hurting you. i never ever wanted to hurt you like this. but i knew one day you’d realize you’d made a mistake, and i didnt want you to go through that either, to have to look back and see how much time you wasted, how much happiness i cost you. i know that must not make sense right now because of how bad it hurts, but its ok if you hate me too, if you never forgive me, and i think youll be able to use that to finally let go. all ive ever wanted from the first day i fell in love with you was for you to be happy and free to live your amazing life to the fullest. i promise that soon, this will be ok. but im still so so sorry. im sorry. i love you so much, and i always will. in another life i would have loved for it to be you, only you, and forever you. i would have loved to be your husband. but i couldnt make you do this with me. i had to let you go. the only part of me that has ever mattered is the part that got to be in love with you.

Aphelios pressed enter, watching as his text turned red, followed by an automatically generated message.

Clive Bot
Your message could not be delivered because you don’t share a server with the recipient, or you have disabled direct messages with the recipient.

🎵

“Aphelios, wake up.” Alune’s voice and her hand on his shoulder were firm. She sounded like she’d tried to wake him up several times, but he could still feel the effects of the sleeping pill he’d taken like a heavy smother over his senses.

His body ached and his throat burned. The skin of his cheeks felt puckered with dried tear tracks. He realized his hand was still closed around the bronze bird Ezreal had given him… he’d fallen asleep with it, hoping it would have flown home with his apologies.

“What the f*ck did you do?” Alune asked him bluntly, once he was sentient enough. But she didn’t need an answer from him, only to know that he was awake enough to hear her interrogation.

“I woke up to hundreds of messages on my phone, Aphelios. Literally hundreds , all from Sett. Saying you blocked him? Is that what you stayed up late last night to do? To break up with him and block him after?”

Aphelios said nothing, and just stared down numbly at the crumpled hotel blankets.

“How could you do that to him? What the f*ck were you thinking?! Is there something I missed? Because if you surprised him with this like it seems you did, that is low. I’m ashamed of you.”

His twin had never said anything like that to him, and Aphelios had been ready to hear a lot of things, but not that. Especially not when Alune’s voice sounded so much like their mother’s when she yelled in Korean.

“Have you even thought about what this means for Heartsteel? After how everyone forgave you? This is like you spitting in their faces, Phel. You told me over and over how scared you were to wreck things, but this is how you wreck things! You didn’t just hurt Sett, you hurt all of them! You hurt me! They’re my friends too! I love Sett like he’s our family. And now I’m in the middle, having to answer for you!”

Having worked herself up into a fury, Alune stomped over to where Aphelios’ laptop was on the desk, and threw it into the blankets on the bed beside him.

“Unblock him right now, and tell him you’re sorry! Do it!”

Aphelios mustered all of his willpower, and shook his head.

“What do you mean, ‘no’? YES! Do it! Fix this!”

I won’t , Aphelios told her. I won’t undo this.

Alune stared at him for a moment, irate, before flinging out a string of curse words that amounted in spirit to ‘Jesus f*cking Christ.’

“Then tell me,” she demanded, rounding on him again. “Tell me because you’ve made this my problem too. What do I say to Sett? I don’t want to just ignore him. I don’t want to add to his pain. So you tell me what to say.”

I tried to break up with him in person, but he wouldn’t let me, Aphelios explained before realizing that sounded like he was just blaming Sett. The frustrated huff Alune let out was proof enough that she was disgusted by the mere implication.

I TRIED ALUNE, he signed more forcefully. I never wanted this. But I can’t do long distance with him, I can’t. And that’s my right to choose for myself. I don’t know how to get through this, without him… without you. I knew that if I had to worry about holding onto the version of myself that he loved, I wouldn’t make it.

“What do you even mean,” Alune threw up her hands in exasperation, but her ire had already dimmed, and she sat down on his bed emphatically, as if to let him know she was going to hear him out, but she still very sceptical over whether or not he was a complete idiot.

“Lunie,” he said, more like a horrible hiss than a voice, but his twin’s eyes reluctantly lifted to his face instead of trying to bore a hole in the hotel carpet.

I can’t explain it properly, I’m sorry. But I feel like I’m… I feel like I’m going back to our childhood, I feel like I’m… regressing. You noticed it too already, I know you have. I feel like I can’t hold onto myself, and I don’t know how to get through this enlistment. Especially if I can’t see you easily. I just couldn’t… I couldn’t face this, if I also had to think about him slowly falling out of love with me. I couldn’t do it. I don’t even know if I can do it now.

Alune was just looking at him with concern now, and she breathed in and out, too deeply.

“I’m still not sure what you mean, Phel. And Ireally don’t get why you couldn’t have trusted Sett, no matter what. He’s crazy about you, and I think it’s for real. And I don’t think he’s just crazy about this… this version of you. But you really never told him about any of it, did you? All the church stuff? Mom and Dad…?”

Aphelios shook his head, expecting to rightly be castigated for that, too. Instead, Alune was just pensive, until suddenly she looked back at him, peering into his face, hard.

“Are you safe, Phel? Are you going to be safe if I leave you here?”

Aphelios just looked back at her, unsure of what she meant.

“You’re not going to try to…” She could not say it aloud. “You’re not going to do anything stupid, right?”

Oh, that was what she meant.

No, he told her honestly. But he remembered how carelessly he’d driven down the mountain road, and other moments where it would have been a relief if a freak meteor from outer space would have crushed him to death. It’s crossed my mind. You know it has before, too. But I won’t. I can promise you that. I would never leave you, not like that.

Alune seemed unsure of whether to make heads or tails of his disclosure, but ultimately accepted it calmly, rightly understanding that his honesty was not something to be frightened by, and that him sharing that he’d had fleeting thoughts was good indication that he would probably tell her if it ever got worse.

“I’ll trust you on that,” she said slowly. “But if it gets any worse, it doesn’t matter what we need to do, what it means for your enlistment. You tell me, or tell the physician or something, and we’ll get you out. Okay? Will you do that?”

Aphelios agreed, pinky swearing with his twin. They sat in silence for a good few minutes, neither sure of where to take the conversation from there.

Eventually, Alune sighed again, rubbing her temples as if to try to fend off a migraine. “So… what do we do? What do I tell Sett?”

I don’t know, Aphelios admitted. I’m sorry. But I think he’ll be okay, especially if he can be angry at me. I’m prepared for that, and I don’t think he’ll take it out on you, but I’m sorry he’s trying to get answers from you instead. Just give him some time… he’ll see I was just going to hold him back. Now he doesn’t need to wait for me for months, barely talking, never touching. For two years, not even a hug. That’s too much. Sett needs affection, and I think, with time, he’ll understand and be able to move on.

“Ugh. I’m back to thinking you’re an idiot,” Alune said in a bland voice, side-eyeing her brother. “But we don’t have time to fix this. And it’s not like I can get it through your thick skull how much Sett really, truly loves you, if he couldn’t get you to trust that himself. Why are you like this?”

She turned to him fully, the sarcasm leaving her body language, replaced by earnest concern.

“That’s really messed up, you know. To not be able to accept love? That’s not healthy, Phel. Especially when you’re a good person, and so many people love you so much–”

Am I? Aphelios signed with a small, rueful smile. Am I a good person?

“Oh my god,” Alune pantomimed theatrical shock. “Now that you mention it, I just realized! You’re not a good person! You’re so right! You’ve been an unlovable monster this whole time.”

Then, “OF COURSE YOU’RE A GOOD PERSON, YOU MORON!”

She suddenly grabbed Aphelios’ leg, shaking it violently while cursing him with her fist. “Do you think I’m a dummy that’ll fall for it every time you hate yourself? Even when you annoy the sh*t out me, I still think you’re the most incredible human to ever walk this stupid planet. Of course you’re a good person Phel! As if my twin brother would be an asshole!”

Okay, okay, ow– Aphelios tried to pull his abused leg out of his sister’s vice grip, cracking the first real smile that had graced his lips in over twenty-four hours, and likely to be a rare event.

They’d been talking for a while, and Alune had let him sleep into the afternoon (which was nice considering how pissed she was with him), but it meant that they still had many things to do before he enlisted tomorrow. He looked over at the digital numbers on the hotel clock, and saw it was already late in the day.

Inadvertently, he wondered what Heartsteel would be doing right now, taking a while to do the mental calculation that it was still just before midnight the day before, back home. His bandmates were probably knuckling through the label party, maybe even some of them having gone home already. Those events usually sucked anyway, although True Damage and K/DA would be attending this one. Maybe some familiar faces would help his bandmates get through the surreal feeling of not even having yet processed that one of them was gone…

Wait… the party…

With renewed self-loathing, Aphelios realized he’d f*cked up the timing colosally. How could he would have dropped that bomb on Sett right before a professional event, when he would already have had to put on a such brave face? For a moment, Aphelios felt so nauseous that he seriously debated unblocking Sett just to apologize to him for real, for being so f*cking incredibly selfish and cruel, before he realized with blunted agony that, if anything, this had to guarantee that Sett hated his guts now…

“When did you want to shave your head?” Alune asked before she looked at her brother, and when she did she saw his new grief written all over his face. Incorrectly she assumed it was her suggestion that had prompted it, and she hurriedly said they could try to leave it to tomorrow, provided he promised to wake up early enough.

Surprising her, he shook his head. Let’s do it now, was all he signed.

He’d been dreading this especially, this moment. His hair was so important to him, no matter how silly that sounded. He liked it a very certain way, because it looked better with his makeup or his piercings; it was important to him to be able to style it how he wanted. A shaved head felt like it robbed him of that… robbed him of an essential element of subtle self-expression precious to him.

But that meant it was all the more fitting to do it now, to repent with this punishment for his selfishness, for the pain he had inflicted. Losing his hair was a fraction of what he should have had to give up, to beg for absolution for the damage he’d done.

Silently, they both prepared, Alune arranging a chair over some spread newspapers to catch the hair, digging through her luggage for the electric clippers she’d brought. Aphelios washed his face, refusing to look at his reflection even one last time before it changed dramatically. He stripped down to some gym shorts, and sat in the chair like a prisoner readying for execution.

For a while, the only sound that filled the room was Alune mumbling to herself, figuring out how the clippers worked and which attachment to use, until she declared that the quiet was making her feel crazy, and she turned the TV on for background noise, letting it play some generic news station.

The electric buzz of the clippers started to drone, and Alune asked him if he was ready.

Aphelios nodded once, and felt his sister’s hand on his head, followed by the hard touch of metal at his nape, traveling upwards. As he felt a chunk of the turquoise hair he’d cared for so diligently fall down his bare back, Aphelios’ soul went numb.

The twins worked through this awful ritual, Alune wishing she could think of something to say to comfort her brother, whose heart she could see breaking in front of her in real time. But nothing was good enough. It was becoming real that he would leave her, and in many ways, leave himself. As his long, beautiful hair slowly fell away, Alune began to understand more of what he’d tried to express earlier; that the Aphelios that was her brother, or had been Sett’s boyfriend, would not be the Aphelios that could survive his isolated military duty. That Aphelios would have to go into stasis… a kind of spiritual hibernation as an unreliable prayer for self-preservation.

Aphelios the soldier was beginning to emerge underneath her hands.

The job was nearly done when an entertainment news update splashed across the TV screen, and the tone of the broadcast changed.

“And scandal tonight for international rockstar group Heartsteel, as its co-leader Sett was seen kissing labelmate Qiyana from True Damage, caught on video by a fan and uploaded to social media. Many netizens are already criticizing the rapper’s actions as indecorous, given that his bandmate Aphelios is scheduled to enlist imminently–”

Aphelios whipped around, stopping his sister before she could rush to turn the TV off in a stunned panic. His heartbeat was thundering in his ears, drowning out the further explanation the newscaster was delivering.

On-screen, the shaky fan video played, showing Sett in a darkened club, leaning down and kissing Qiyana, interrupted only by Ezreal hurtling into frame and bumping into the Vastayan, spilling his drink down the front of Sett’s outfit, before chaos erupted and the person filming was jostled too hard to keep the video steady. But before the clip ended, Aphelios could clearly see Ezreal dragging Sett away, and Qiyana making the universally understood gesture for call me.

“What the f*ck,” Alune spat out, her voice uneven with tears and venom, and homicidal rage. “I’ll kill him. I’ll f*cking kill him!”

Her chest heaving and her face red, she turned to her twin, ready for him to be as murderous as she felt.

He did not move, for a long while, until finally he let his eyes fall from the TV to the floor, his shoulders slowly sagging.

If Alune felt she’d just watched her brother’s spirit go into hibernation, she felt like this–this was watching him die in front of her eyes, in every sense of the word except the one where his heart stopped beating. The man in front of her was no longer a man, not even a soldier.

Aphelios had just become a ghost.

Tentatively, she lifted the remote to turn off the TV, testing whether her brother would react. He did not.

He didn’t jolt or even move when she placed her hand softly on his bare back, shocked by how icy his skin felt. He didn’t react when she kneeled to embrace him, or when she whispered over and over how sorry she was.

Eventually, she rose again, at a loss for what else to do other than finish the haircut, continuing to shave his head when he offered no resistance at the sound of the clippers turning on again.

It was only when she was done, and had tenderly brushed the bristles of hair from his skin as best she could, that she saw a tear fall from his face, landing on his shorts and dampening the fabric in a little circle.

Finally, via the dressing mirror on the wardrobe in front of them, Aphelios looked at her, and Alune saw that her brother’s usually vibrant crimson eyes were dark, and vacant.

Chapter 8: "2gether" by Mura Masa, Gretel

Chapter Text

My twitter (please say hi, if you have forgiven me for last chapter): aphelionaphelia

Megi's twitter (for more art!!): lordmegi

Here's the Homesick Soundtrack that will build as the story progresses: spotify

Chapter Eight (Sett)

2gether - Mura Masa, Gretel

Sett was in the middle of a hurricane; too much alcohol was already making everything spin, and the eruption of rage and fear in his veins made his vision dim and his hearing blank out. He couldn’t even hear what Ezreal was screaming at him, he could only feel brainless fury at how he was being pulled through the club, and out through the back doors.

They burst out into the September night air, the muggy breeze riffling through his prickling fur, swirling the magic that had already ignited on him. Finally, with no pounding music or boisterous club goers, Sett made out a few of the words Ez was hurling at him.

“...didn’t think you of all people would be some piece of sh*t cheater–”

A ferocious, inarticulate snarl was Sett’s reply, tearing from his throat when he’d meant to speak. He looked, and felt, insane. Without a coherent thought in his head, he moved via reaction only, and Ezreal had said something ugly. Sett squared up with him, making to throw a punch.

Before he could, Sett was jarred by an impact in the side of his own face, pain sparking in his jaw through the anaesthesia of the alcohol. Through his dimmed vision, Sett could see Ezreal out of his reach and looking like he couldn’t decide whether to be disgusted, scared, or sick to his stomach, and a chuckle came from his side. Kayn shook out his knuckles as he positioned himself between the irate Vastayan and his boyfriend again, hardly shying away from what he might have just started. Sett hadn’t even heard the backdoors of the club open again after them.

“Looking for a fight, beast-man?” Kayn hissed unctuously, his voice taking on a strange, deformed deepness. “Take me on, instead of picking on popstars. I’ve put down more than a few rabid animals in my time.”

The provocation was enough to snap the last tenuous thread of Sett’s sanity, and he raised his fists in a guard, eyes aglow and his tail bristling, ready to take a swipe with the full intention of disfiguring that smirk forever—

Who knew what would have happened, who would have won, if Sett hadn’t found himself yanked back by his collar, not dissimilar to the way a mother cat might bite her disobedient pup by the scruff of its neck.

“Stop it!” K’Sante shouted at him, forcing Sett around and staring into his face, making it impossible for Sett to look away or slough off his grip. “Who are you right now? What’s going on, Sett?”

“I always knew you could be an oaf,” Kayn said, relaxing his fighting stance a little ,but still smirking with disdain at Sett. “But you must really be a blockhead to forget that they still have the internet in Korea. Your little boyfriend is probably going to be checking his Twooter feed as the last thing he does before he enlists and he’s going to see your stupid ass kissing Qiyana—I mean, really? Qiyana?”

Intended to further rile Sett, what Kayn had said cleared Sett’s head, like a bolt of lightning illuminating the dark mirk of a storm. Even the suckerpunch had been completely forgotten.

“No–” was all Sett could say. “No!”

“What were you thinking?” Yone asked quietly from where he leaned against the back alley wall, taking in the display with disdain. His voice had little inflection, but somehow his disgust was sharper and more potent than Kayn’s, who’d put effort into his.

Sett realized none of them knew, none of them knew… he knew he hadn’t told them, because he couldn’t. He’d thought if he could just pretend it hadn’t happened… but still, how could they not know? How could they have not felt how everything was different now—

“He broke up with me!” Sett screamed back, hoarse, somehow both still trying to tear free of K’Sante’s grip while also leaning on him as he felt his knees buckle. “Phel broke up with me this morning, he told me it was over, he told me it was all done, he wouldn’t answer my calls, he blocked me!”

He was still beyond drunk, he’d intentionally had enough alcohol to put a smaller man in the hospital. But now that his rage had fallen away, and his horrific new reality was crashing in on him, no amount of booze could keep the sobering realizations from obliterating him, one after the other.

Around him, each member of Heartsteel froze, holding a collective breath. None of them had known, not at all. They’d all seen Sett acting a little crazy that day, enough that K’Sante had gently suggested he feign some kind of severe illness to get out of the label event. But they’d all just assumed the beast-man was struggling with the first few days of Aphelios’ enlistment.

Again, Kayn was the one who found words first. “Damn, dude…”

Slowly, they all animated, approaching Sett who had crumbled against K’Sante, and was beginning to sob.

“Shh, deep breaths, my friend,” K’Sante instructed as he pat Sett’s heaving back, his breaths beginning to hitch and accelerate into hyperventilation.

“I can’t—” Sett wailed, crumpling fistfuls of K’Sante’s suit in his hands. “I can’t! He—Phel’s gonna see—I shouldn’t have—Yone, you gotta tell Alune, you gotta—”

For a moment, no one could understand what Sett was saying, what he wanted Yone to do. All they could do was to keep gently telling him to calm down, and catch his breath. But it became clear Sett could not calm, and without better options, K’Sante half-carried him over to the wall, helping him sit on the ground, kneeling down with him, continuing to pat his back as Sett sobbed hysterically into his hands.

“I just wanted—I thought—if I did this—he would—he would have to unblock me—” Sett tried to explain. Qiyana, as usual, had come onto him. And in the worst five seconds of Sett’s life that he would spend the rest of his days regretting, he’d let her. “I just—I just wanted him—his attention—just anything—even if he was mad—anything to talk one more time—even if—even if…!”

K’Sante shhh’d him again. Everyone was beginning to understand now, finally. No one was upset with the Vastayan anymore, but each of them was beginning to comprehend that Aphelios’ enlistment would bring far greater difficulty than they’d ever predicted.

“Why the f*ck did he break up with him?” Ezreal muttered just a little too loudly to Kayn, voicing what everyone else had been wondering. There was no way Sett was in any state to fill in the blanks, and he hardly understood the decision himself. But based on the argument they’d all had where they’d talked Aphelios out of quitting Heartsteel, the more mature members could make an educated guess; the young man had cut Sett loose in an attempt to ‘not hold him back’. Anyone with working eyes could have seen that the two had been as in love as ever on the day of Aphelios’ departure… whatever the reason had been, it probably hadn’t been a very good one.

“You have to text Alune,” Sett begged, suddenly outbursting and pulling on Yone’s pantleg for emphasis, finally able to articulate his point through the deluge of his tears. “You have to tell her to keep him away from the media, I don’t know how, but please, please Yone, call her right now if you can. I never wanted to hurt him, this will—this will hurt him so bad—he’ll—he’ll think—”

Sett’s face crumpled into devastated weeping again as he realized afresh what he’d done.

“I’m sorry,” he wailed. “Tell him I’m sorry, tell him I still love him, tell him I’m sorry, please, I’m sorry—”

At a loss for what else to do to help calm the frantic Vastayan, Yone just nodded slowly, and pulled out his phone, walking away a short distance in case she answered.

Behind him, Sett only became more frenzied, batting away K’Sante’s hands, beating his own fists against his forehead and rocking back and forth, moaning and sobbing like an animal caught in a trap.

Nothing anyone could say now seemed to be able to get through to Sett, so they began to make a plan to get him home with the least amount of potential paparazzi attention, Ezreal and Kayn going back into the club to find a manager who could get the sprinter van to pull into the back alley.

Ten excruciating minutes passed, Sett now alternating between crying and throwing up violently, K’Sante helping him stand and keeping his clothes out of the way of the mess, as much as possible. At last, Yone came back over, attempting to covertly flag his husband’s attention without alerting Sett, but with sudden lucidity, the Vastayan whirled around, grabbing Yone’s wrist and reading Alune’s text reply before his friends could stop him.

Too late, was all she had written.

🎵

The entire van ride home was dead silent. No one whispered, not even out of concern, and Kayn had no sarcasm left, either. He stared out the window at the passing streets, a deep frown gouging his face. There was no sound at all, except for the soft, sick sobs of Sett crying miserably into K’Sante’s shoulder.

🎵

There was a gentle knock at the door of Aphelios’ room, and Sett stirred within the pile of blankets that no longer smelled like his ex-boyfriend, only reeking with his own stink, now.

“Sett, bro… I’m sorry, but I think there’s something wrong with one of the fish…” Ezreal spoke like he was terrified of shattering Sett’s fragile sanity, of treading too hard on the wrong eggshell.

At first Sett didn’t know what Ezreal meant, until he realized he’d completely forgotten about the fishtank Aphelios had set up, defaulting to Sett’s care. And Sett had hardly left Aphelios’ room for the last five days, much less remembered the little aquatic creatures existed.

In a gravelly, disused voice Sett thanked Ezreal, guessing that he’d probably been trying his best to keep the fish fed while Sett was non-functional… but ‘something wrong with one of the fish’ turned out to be that said fish was very much, regretfully, dead.

As Sett stood in his fetid boxers, his beard unshaven, looking at the once vibrant red fish now floating belly up and pale in the tank that was starting to get scummy around the edges, a hard knot of grief began to choke up the back of his throat.

How could Aphelios have done this to them? Something about that dead fish was too much, like a needle pushing through Sett’s heart, a physical manifestation of how something had died inside Sett too. Him and that little fish had been left behind, thrown away, discarded and allowed to languish.

Aphelios still hadn’t unblocked him. Sett knew that for a fact. He messaged him every single day, sometimes for hours. And all of the text would turn red, answered only by an error message Sett had memorized.

Sett didn’t even know how his enlistment had gone. Alune wasn’t answering his messages either, and he’d given up harassing her.

Sett’s head drooped, his shoulders sagged, and he leaned against the aquarium stand for support. He remembered picking out that fiery little fish with Aphelios. He remembered how Phel had smiled when Sett had said it reminded him of his eyes, telling the beast-man that it reminded him of his hair instead.

They hadn’t even been dating by that point, but Sett had already known he was deeply in love.

Thick, salty tears began to ooze slowly from his eyes. Sett was too dehydrated to even cry properly.

He had no idea how long he stood there, looking at the dirty tank and dead fish, before his desire to get back into bed grew greater than anything else. Out of sheer obligation, he set about the sad work of retrieving the dead fish, going through the trouble of burying it in the backyard because it deserved better than a flush down the toilet.

🎵

Sett and the fish were evidently not the only things Aphelios had left behind.

The Vastayan hadn’t necessarily formed the intention to snoop, it was almost on instinct that he started going through Aphelios’ room, pulling apart all the things in his desk, going through the drawers. There had to be something—something that could help him understand, or feel like an answer. Knowing Aphelios, there was even a high likelihood he’d left a note specifically for Sett to find.

Digging through, he’d found no such thing, however. A lot of the papers Aphelios had kept were written in Korean, and anything in English provided no real insight, although reading Aphelios’ lyrics or looking at his little drawings was the height of bittersweetness, and Sett was battered by love and grief in equal force.

But he hadn’t expected to find Aphelios’ cell phone in the back of a drawer. At first, Sett couldn’t believe what he was seeing, and he assumed it was some old, spare device. It made no sense that Phel had really left his beloved phone, his lifeline, at home. How was he going to keep in contact with anyone? But then, Sett had understood.

Aphelios had never had the intention to keep in contact. He’d shed these things of his old life completely.

The whole time Sett was plugging it in and waiting for it to charge he knew he shouldn’t be doing it. Never once had he gone through Phel’s phone while they were dating, despite having each other’s passwords for the convenience of things like picking a playlist while the other was driving. They’d trusted each other completely, then. Sett had even less grounds to do it now. Aphelios was technically his ex-boyfriend.

But he owes me, Sett had thought over and over, louder than his compunctions about invading Aphelios’ privacy, half-expecting the password to be changed or the device to just be wiped.

But it activated, and Sett saw the familiar moon lockscreen… the password he tapped out with a shaking thumb worked.

The phone opened to the homescreen wallpaper, the same as it had been when Aphelios was using it. Sett stared down at his own face, beaming with a toothy grin in a photo of Aphelios kissing his cheek.

It was out of his hand and clattering off the wall before Sett had even formed the conscious thought to throw it. The loud noise of it hitting the ground hard snapped him out of it, only a second later but already too late. He rushed over, picking the phone up off the floor, and feeling like he was going to throw up when he saw he’d shattered the screen.

It still turned on, it could still be operated. But the cracks spiderwebbed over their picture together were nearly poetic, and filling with nauseous regret, Sett turned the phone off again without prying through it further. He felt like he’d failed some kind of test, destroying one of Aphelios’ possessions like that. In an effort to brute force his way into his secrets, no less.

How would he ever explain this to Phel when he came back? He stared at the broken phone as if it was the evidence he’d ruined everything. Ruined the mere hope that their relationship could be anything other than completely destroyed.

🎵

The first thing capable of forcing Sett to clean up and get out of the house in over a week was Alune’s return from Korea, and her surprising agreement to meet him to talk. She was still technically one of Heartsteel’s managers, so total avoidance of each other would have not only been unprofessional, but also impossible. But he knew how fiercely she loved her brother and was loyal to him, and half of him had been dreading that she would suspend her duties with Heartsteel in solidarity, telling Sett to f*ck off forever while she did so.

They met at a local park, purchasing iced coffees to go at a nearby cafe beforehand, in awkward silence. The bright sun hurt Sett’s eyes, the coffee sat sourly in his empty stomach. They walked for a while without exchanging any words still; Sett’s speechlessness largely due to struggling with the feeling that if he started talking, he would start crying as well. Perhaps doing this in public had been a horrible idea.

“You don’t look well,” Alune told him finally, not looking at him and merely sipping her iced coffee instead. Sett soon found he could not look at her for long either. With the same high cheekbones and full lips, she reminded him too painfully of her brother.

“Only been the worst week of my whole f*ckin’ life,” he played at casualness, clearing his throat harshly afterward and blinking back tears. The children playing football in the grass nearby laughed loudly, unbothered and unaware of the fact that Sett’s life felt like it was over. “Social media’s been a clusterf*ck too. Everything has been sh*t. I… I feel like someone died, Lunie.”

“I miss him a lot too,” she admitted, her voice soft and regretful. They both knew that this loss felt and meant wildly different things for each of them, but there was still a nexus of grief in which they could meet, and find common ground.

“Yeah. Yeah, that’s true, it can’t have been easy, seein’ him off like that. I’m sorry you got put in the middle while tryna figure all this out, too. But he enlisted okay? He was safe ‘n everything?”

Alune considered how to answer. “As okay as he could have been, given the circ*mstances.”

A long, long silence.

Then, the dam broke.

“I’m sorry, Alune. I’m so f*ckin’ sorry. I know Yone tried to explain, but… I never meant to hurt him. I was so upset, I wasn’t even in my right mind, ‘n I just thought, for one stupid second, if I do this, he might talk to me again. Even if he just tells me to go f*ck myself, I’ll get to talk to him.

“I need to tell him I’m sorry, Alune. I need to explain to him—can’t you get him to unblock me? Please? Or give me his address? I’ll write a letter if I have to, I’ll f*cking fly there if I gotta, I just need to tell him I’m sorry—”

“No, Sett.” She said quietly, firmly. “I can’t do that. I think…”

Sett knew what was coming and no matter how he tried to prepare for it, it was still a body blow.

“I’m sorry but I think you need to figure out how to move on. I don’t agree with how he did things, at all. I’m so sorry he broke up with you like that, and blocked you. I really am. But when Aphelios makes up his mind like that, even I can’t talk him out of it. He’s made his decision. And he asked me not to give his contact info out.”

Perhaps understanding that this was far worse than Sett had been prepared to hear, Alune stopped walking, and reached out to touch the beast-man’s arm with a kind, steadying hand. “Trust me, I tried to tell him how unfair it was, not just for you, but for everyone, for me. I don’t have time to be his secretary, either. He might come around, with time… but…”

She paused and let her hand fall, looking almost embarrassed.

“But what? Not for me?”

“I know you’re sorry for what you did, and I do believe you. I mean… I can tell you’re still in love with him. But… even though he hurt you first… Sett, I really think you broke his heart. I know it’s not fair, but I… I don’t know if he’ll ever get over it.”

Sett’s face contorted, and hopelessly, he tried to prevent his tears from falling, but they spilled across his cheeks as fast as he could wipe them away.

“I get so f*ckin’ mad at him,” he confessed suddenly, his voice congested, his eyes trained stubbornly on the ground underneath knitted brows. “I get so mad that he gave up on us, that he wouldn’t even let me try, but then I think, I proved him right. It didn’t even take me a whole day ‘n I proved him right. He told me I’d move on, that I’d get over him. And I knew that he was real scared of that, ‘n half of the break-up was just him tryin’ to get out ahead of it. And look what I f*ckin’ did.”

Abruptly, Sett turned and reached to hold Alune by her upper arms, his grip tight and insistent. “But that’s why I have to explain to him, why I just need to tell him. Nothin’ changed for me, he wasn’t right about what he said. I need to tell him that nothin’s changed, that I’m gonna love him until the day I die, ‘n that if he’d just let me f*ckin’ wait for him–”

“Sett, it’s done,” Alune cut him off, pulling free and looking angry with him again. He knew she wasn’t trying to be cruel, but the truth spoken so bluntly felt like a knife through his guts.

“It can’t be,” Sett persisted, even as he could feel himself emotionally bleeding out, crying harder now and in danger of making a scene, in danger of pushing it too far with her. “It can’t be, because this was supposed to be it. He was supposed to be it for me, Alune. I wanted to marry him!”

Easily his least favourite trait the twins shared was this one: their ability to erect a metaphorical wall and do an incredible impression of being heartless. Sett knew better than to indict them for not caring, but when it felt like the rawest, most vulnerable pleas of his very soul were falling on deaf stone, it made him crazy. Worse still was that it tantalized him to keep trying, to find the right combination of words that would open the fortress like a key, or, failing that… to beat at the walls until they crumbled under his sheer brute strength. It was so unfair… so unfair that they could retreat beyond his grasp, that Sett could kill himself pursuing them pointlessly.

Even so… even so. He loved Aphelios no less, and could not bring himself to let go of his belief that, given enough time and the ability to love and heal him, he could have taught Phel that there were other ways to stay safe than to go as numb as granite.

Sett made a fool of himself in the park that day, begging Alune without dignity, pestering her without mercy, knowing he was making everything worse with every word. But a voice in the back of his mind kept screaming that she was about to abandon him too, and it would not quiet.

It was only when she finally confronted him with the very reasonable threat that if he did not stop and calm down that she really would cut all contact outside of professional with him, that he came to his senses. He felt guilty about it, because he really did like Alune as her own person, and he thought of her as a sister, but he realized that she was also one of the last threads connecting him with Aphelios. If he f*cked this up too, there was a solid chance he would never, ever see Phel again.

The only tenuous promise of Aphelios’ return after military service was that just over a week had passed, and he hadn’t tried to quit Heartsteel again. Yet.

“I’m sorry, Lunie,” he told her finally, after she’d talked some sense back into him, honing his fear and making it a tool to get ahold of himself again, at least for the time being. He only narrowly decided against getting on his knees and grovelling. “Please forgive me, ‘n please don’t talk about leavin’ or cuttin’ contact. I’ll figure my sh*t out. It’s just… I’m still a f*ckin’ mess right now ‘n I don’t know when it’ll get better…I’m sorry…”

Magnanimously, Alune accepted his apology, even giving him a little hug to seal it.

“I know, and that’s why I won’t hold it against you. I was so upset with you when I thought you’d just… flagrantly moved on. But once I knew more… I think all of this could have been avoided if Aphelios just handled it better. I don’t blame you for feeling like you’re losing your mind, because I don’t know what I would have done in your position.

“I really hope one day, you two get to meet again, and talk about things. Even just as friends. I do think he owes that to you, and I’ll try to get him to see that, too. It’ll get easier with time, though. I really do believe that. Most of us have our sad stories of first loves lost, but usually it just means there’s something else on the horizon.”

Sett knew Alune was trying to comfort him, but he could not help but feel like those were some of the worst words he’d ever heard in his life. ‘Even just as friends.’

‘Even just as friends.’

🎵

Sett was getting sick of people telling him that time healed all wounds. Sure, it had only been a couple of weeks, but even as the wound stitched over and stopped bleeding freely, he could feel how the scar tissue was changing him, taking over in a slow, atrophying spread. And the scar tissue itself was an illusion, because Sett could go into Aphelios’ room and find that little blue pouty bunny toy and the hole in his chest would tear open again, his heart would thump sickly with the strain of how physically painful his grief was, still.

🎵

He spent a few days with his mom, praying it would make him feel better. And in some ways, it did; Momma’s presence and love always soothed him, and she of all people knew how to coach her son to find his strength again after a catastrophic abandonment.

But it was hard, because in seeking her comfort, he’d told her all the details of what had happened, excruciatingly reassembling the pieces, like sewing back up a corpse after pulling it apart for an autopsy. Of course she’d been the first person he’d called when Aphelios had broken up with him, aside from trying to get through on Alune’s phone. But now Momma was mad, having seen someone else had managed to wound her son this deeply.

Seeing how upset she was at his ex-boyfriend made Sett scared. He didn’t want his mom to grow to hate Aphelios, or even resent him. Part of that was motivated by the delusion he cherished, the delusion that kept him from going fully insane most days. That, eventually, Aphelios would be willing to speak to him again, and they’d realize they were still in love, and be able to find a way forward again, together. In that outcome, Sett didn’t want Aphelios’ future mother-in-law harbouring any negative feelings towards him.

But even the more realistic part of him that was gradually coming to terms with the fact that he might really have lost Aphelios forever… even that part could not bear to hear his mom call Aphelios heartless or cruel. Sett had an abundance of anger about how the break-up had been handled, but it felt like that anger was his right alone, and still, he wanted to protect Aphelios from the criticism of people who didn’t understand him, not like he did.

Gradually, he began hiding things from her. And when he returned back to the Heartsteel house, he would sanitize their phone calls, avoiding disclosing to his mother how bad his depression got some days, focusing instead on minutia he didn’t give a sh*t about, just so they could chat in circles, around the outline of Aphelios. Soon, they no longer brought him up at all.

🎵

Equivalently, over the coming months, he learned how to talk to Alune. How to ask questions about how Aphelios was doing that would get him wisps of information, how far he could push until she shut the conversation down entirely. He learned that he could bring up her brother about once a week; more frequently than that and she would withdraw again or lecture him on letting go.

Through her, he found out that Aphelios was the star of his training camp, acing every test. That was shocking, while also somehow hardly being a surprise at all. But the biggest shock had been that he’d distinguished himself especially in sharp-shooting. Enough that he’d been assigned as some kind of sniper.

Sett had had to ask several times what that meant, it had felt so surreal. A sniper? Like, with a rifle? And it was Aphelios they were talking about? When Alune had confirmed yes, that kind of sniper, the kind that would have someone in their crosshairs—Sett could tell she felt a lot of the same way he did. The idea of the gentle-hearted, soft-spoken Aphelios being tasked with one of the most singularly violent military roles felt unaccountably perverse.

Out of the six members, Aphelios had always been the one to capture bugs in the house—gently, with his bare hands—in order to let them into the backyard, safe and sound. Sett remembered one day on tour when their van had run over a possum trying to race across the road, and he’d had to hold a sobbing Aphelios for hours, comforting him because he was so heartbroken over the little creature. The idea that he would be given duties where he might have to pull the trigger and kill a person was utterly unfathomable.

It felt like a nightmare.

When he’d first found out about Aphelios’ enlistment and spent hours researching what kind of roles military service encompassed, both of them had been sure that he’d be assigned to one of the more civilian roles; something with paperwork or logistics. Neither of them had ever even joked about this.

He knew others might be vicariously proud of such an accomplishment, and even Alune had a shine when she talked about how quickly her brother had made a name for himself. But at night, as Sett tossed and turned, staring at the little glow in the dark stars Aphelios had painted on his ceiling, the Vastayan could not feel anything less than sick to his stomach.

The day Alune told him Aphelios had graduated to sniper, after sleepless hours of worrying Aphelios would get hurt (or worse), Sett at last gave up on sleep that night and got in the car. For the first time since they’d broken up, Sett went back to the mountaintop where he’d shared so many memories with his ex-boyfriend.

The moon was full, and cold-looking. She seemed to suck up the sounds of the songs playing from the portable speaker Sett had brought, the first music he’d tried to listen to in weeks, a random shuffle of Aphelios’ favourites. He couldn’t decide if the familiar tunes made him feel better, or worse.

What if he was wrong? Sett asked himself as he stared up into the sky, trying to numb himself to the early winter chill seeping into his bones. He’d forgotten to bring a blanket… Phel had always been the one to pack the car so diligently for these mountaintop dates.

It was a nasty thought, though. What if Aphelios was enjoying himself? What if he liked being a good sniper? Sett was sitting here, thousands of miles away, mourning for him. For the very real potential of not only Aphelios being hurt, but that he would have to hurt someone else, and how Sett thought that would, in many ways, cut deeper into him than any physical wound. Sett hadn’t believed Aphelios capable of hurting anyone. But then again, he’d unequivocally proven him wrong on that one.

Cruel words were still emblazoned in Sett’s brain. Just because he’d known they’d been said as a decoy, a kind of emotional smoke bomb Aphelios could throw down in his wake as a distraction while he retreated beyond reach, didn’t mean they hadn’t grievously wounded Sett anyway.

We should break up because you don’t even know who I am.

What if that was true? Sett certainly hadn’t seen any of this coming. Not only the break up, but he hadn’t thought Aphelios capable of being an exceptional soldier, much less a f*cking sniper. He knew Aphelios wore a lot of masks in the figurative sense, but so did everyone.

That night, on the mountaintop, was the first time Sett seriously asked himself if he’d fallen in love with one of the masks instead of the man behind it.

With the thought came anger, and grief. How could Aphelios have done this to him? How could Aphelios lie so smoothly, even if just by omission? He’d told Sett over and over that he wouldn’t emerge from military service the same person, and maybe that was the truest thing he’d ever said. If it was a mask Sett loved, then that mask had been shed like a chameleon’s skin, discarded along with the Vastayan.

It wasn’t fair, for Sett to feel like someone had just removed the axis of his world, leaving him with this many questions, this much pain, this much worry… and nowhere to put it. Aphelios had owed him answers, or owed him glimpses into this new life he had to live, if only so Sett wouldn’t have to grapple with this feeling like the old one had all been a f*cking hoax.

Furious and impulsive, Sett took off the ring Aphelios had given him on this mountaintop just over a year ago, and before he could think better of it, threw the gift to the side, hearing it ping off one of the birch trees.

It wasn’t a ring, he seethed. It was a handcuff, a manacle, tethering him to a lie…

As soon as he thought that, his anger bottomed out into vivid regret.

He knew it was just not true.

That ring had been given to him with love and sincerity, and it had not escaped Sett’s notice while snooping through Aphelios’ desk that he had not found its pair, even when Phel had left his literal cell phone behind.

He should not have done that. He shouldn’t have thrown it away. And with a violent spike of nausea, he realized how good the chances were he would never find it again.

How could he have thrown it away like that, when it still meant so much to him… when he was still so in love with Aphelios… why was he like this? This kind of spur of the moment thoughtlessness was exactly what had motivated him to kiss Qiyana out of revenge, when with a clearer head he would have seen how it would hurt the both of them. He was no better than a beast when he acted out of selfish instinct like this.

Doggedly, he searched for the ring with his phone flashlight, getting down on his hands and knees, combing through the matted meadow grass at the roots of trees in the direction he’d heard it fall. He lost track of time, cursing how hard it was to see in the dark despite his slitted pupils, making a fairly concrete plan to rent a metal detector the next day and come back. But finally, just as he was beginning to contemplate giving up for now, the moonlight winked off of something half-hidden in some of the golden leaves that had fallen with the season.

Sett didn’t realize how bereft he’d felt without that little ring until it was back on his finger, safely. With regret, he noticed there was a new ding in the metal, but at least he’d found it. He knew right then and there that he would never be able to bear it if he lost it again.

Sighing, he sat down again beside the little speaker, still playing Phel’s playlists, slowly rotating the ring around his finger, curling into himself, thinking.

Unbidden, memories of the night Aphelios had given him the matching rings emerged in his mind’s eye; how they’d chased each other like school boys, laughing hysterically. Aphelios had had the hiccups for what seemed like ages, making everything even funnier. And they’d talked about the sky then, too… about black holes and multiverses.

Sett remembered how he’d told Aphelios, so confidently, that he loved him in every universe, and if past lives were a thing, he’d loved him in every one of those, too. So f*cking stupid, now. He couldn’t even keep Aphelios in this universe, in this life.

Past lives, afterlives… what a terrible thought. The idea that Sett might have lost Aphelios more than once, or would have to do this again… one lifetime like this was beyond bearing, Sett couldn’t stand the thought of having to do another. All he wanted, now, was some chance that he wouldn’t have to live forever without Aphelios.

Even just as friends, as Alune had said without varnish. If that’s how Sett could keep him near… even that was better than this.

But this was so f*cking unfair, Sett thought. Too unfair. The indignity of it began burning through his chest. He was starting to be beyond feeling angry at Aphelios, and instead, Sett was just angry at life.

This shouldn’t have been the plan for either of them. Especially when looking at Aphelios’ life, it felt like his fate had somehow gotten scrambled—like an old-timey telephone operator had suddenly plugged the cable into the wrong call, connecting him abruptly with a destiny that had been meant for someone else entirely. It made no sense that he had to be gone like this, derailed in the middle of such an excellent career, such a fulsome life… when he should have been allowed to stay with Heartsteel and Alune, making amazing music, smiling.

He wasn’t supposed to be Aphelios the soldier, Aphelios the sniper. And with a clearer head, Sett knew in his heart of hearts there was no f*cking way he would ever be capable of deriving an ounce of enjoyment from it. If he’d become a good soldier, it was because he’d had to, there had to be some reason.

Sett did know Aphelios. He felt the conviction of that returning, like steel. Aphelios the musician, Aphelios who had loved Sett and been loved by Sett, Aphelios the kind-hearted, gentle, creative soul… none of those had been the mask. He had to give both of them more credit than that—Sett may feel like a duped fool now, but he trusted his ability to sniff out bullsh*t, and Phel had been as real as they come. If the arbitrary perversity of the world had not interfered, they would still be together, Sett knew. His destiny would have been touring as a beloved rockstar, with his closest friends and sister, blooming in his happiness. He and Sett would have gotten married.

The soldier was the mask, and the lies it required had started from the moment Aphelios had received that letter. The break-up was the biggest lie of all, a charade for survival, or the attempt at it.

Because Aphelios was sensitive, and so deeply caring, so intense, and at times, too vulnerable. Sett knew that. And there was no safe place for that where he was; sometimes, even just regular old mundane life hadn’t felt safe enough. Sett also knew that part of the reason Aphelios had been able to be so happy with Heartsteel, was because the Vastayan was strong enough to protect him, to be a shield so that Phel didn’t have to spend all his energy protecting himself anymore.

Aphelios was the strongest person Sett knew aside from his own mother. It was the kind of strength borne through necessity–the kind that you either developed and survived, or you didn’t and you gave up. And now, Aphelios didn’t have Sett, he didn’t have Alune, he had no one but himself. And that meant he’d had to begin protecting himself again, in the only way he knew how.

Sett understood now, and his heart ached afresh with it. Beside him, the speaker began playing a song, and whether it was something as profound as past lives and afterlives or if it was just the beast-man’s creeping exhaustion, in that moment, he was sure he could feel Aphelios thinking of him too, reaching out.

Rest on my arm here
Talk like everything is going to work itself out

He pictured holding Aphelios, running his fingers through his hair before he remembered that hair would have been cut off. He imagined whispering in his ear it would be okay. As if in response, Sett felt a pang in his heart, the same he always felt when he saw Aphelios cry.

He closed his eyes tighter, almost as if in prayer, concentrating as hard as he could on promising Phel that no matter what happened, he would remember the person he’d been before he’d left, before he had to answer whatever duty demanded of him. Sett vowed that he would safekeep that sweet, complex, intense, emotional version of Aphelios, until he needed it again.

Words like one thing
Looks like another
But I…
I just wanted to be together
Why is it we can’t be together?
I just wanted to be together

They should have never been pulled apart. They belonged together, and had been meant to find each other. Even now, with Aphelios gone for two months and still not having unblocked him, Sett could feel Aphelios still loved him. If that sounded crazy or delusional, then f*ck it, Sett didn’t care. Because he could feel it, too real to be some kind of phantom limb syndrome of love lost.

On that mountaintop, underneath the silvery gleam of moonlight, Sett could feel the response when his heart reached out for Phel’s. You didn’t love someone that deeply and that completely without learning how it felt when they loved you back…

…But, ultimately, Sett’s arms were still empty, and he was still alone. As he began to weep, all he could think of was how badly he wished Aphelios could have just stayed with him, how he wished that somehow, through sheer strength, he could have kept him here, safe and happy, or have been allowed to fight for him, in his stead.

Whatever else might or might not have happened, they should have been allowed to have that. And that would have been more than enough. In his heart, Sett apologized to Aphelios for having failed to keep him safe.

🎵

The evidence of the trouble Sett was in began to manifest, beyond his ability to cleverly talk around it.

His hair grew longer, and he shaved irregularly. His usually fastidious grooming habits fell by the wayside, and the body hair he’d been so fixated on waxing or depilating grew back. If he could be bothered to get dressed properly at all, his clothes were usually wrinkled and covered in fur.

He’d stopped going to the gym, unless K’Sante resorted to threats to force him, until he got good at simply ignoring those too, refusing to answer the door or his phone until K’Sante left without him.

When he ate, he ate like sh*t, and slowly but surely, he thickened out, especially around his middle. Pants began to feel too tight. He stopped getting on the scale or recording his inches, because the numbers made him hate himself.

Sett's world had condensed from a vibrant, vivacious fullness to a wan, pathetic collection of three or four activities he rotated between: sleeping at odd hours, eating, playing video games, crying.

🎵

The day he rediscovered fanfiction was a major setback. He’d always thought it was funny that people would write stories about Heartsteel or other bands, but ultimately found it a little unnerving. But he’d seen rather well done fan art of him and Aphelios on Twooter, and had slid deep into a rabbit hole before he’d realized. He made alts, looking through elaborate threads theorizing he and Aphelios had been dating, a few eagle-eyed fans even correctly identifying the matching promise rings—the one Sett still had not taken off.

From there, he found every fan-written story about them that wasn’t egregiously mischaracterized or too preposterous, and read and reread them relentlessly. He knew what he was doing was insane, but it was like offering drugs to someone struggling with addiction. When he could absorb himself in the fiction of a world where he and Aphelios were still happily, madly in love with each other, the ache in his chest eased, if only temporarily, until it would leave him crying harder than before.

What snapped him out of it was when one of the fanfics he liked the best was updated with a final chapter; a note from the author explaining the story would be discontinued. After Sett’s horrific kiss with Qiyana, they’d felt no desire to keep writing, and could barely even stand to listen to Heartsteel. They’d even signed off with an emphatic f*ck YOU, SETT!!!

No, many fans still hadn’t really forgiven him for that yet, and Sett could not blame them one bit.

🎵

The fanfiction had been a low point, embarrassing enough that Sett was able to pull himself out of the deepest of his funks through sheer power of shame. He still could not summon the will or energy to set foot in the gym again or give a sh*t what he looked like or what he ate, but at least he began to leave the house. Occasionally.

Outwardly, it looked like he was beginning to do better, K’Sante even told him he was happy to see the improvement. He had no idea that where Sett was going were just the places that had once been special for him and Aphelios; the aquarium, the street with the fancy stores, the zoo, the mountaintop. Places that should have been exciting or interesting, but Sett was a lone visitor, sullen, and searching for ghosts.

🎵

Routine was a weird thing. Even when you thought you’d destroyed it beyond recognition, a new one would settle in, creeping slowly like mold.

A muted Christmas passed, the most eventful thing about it was when Sett had found out that Yone had bundled a little gift for Aphelios, and Alune had agreed to bring it to him. He’d wanted to scream and shout—why not me, why not my letters, why not gifts I could send Phel—even though he knew the answer, even though Yone had clarified it was just a care package of personal grooming products and snacks, and a short letter telling him in no uncertain terms that Aphelios was still a part of Heartsteel.

In the new year, the band began discussing their hiatus, which had never truly been intentional or well-planned, happening more through a default consequence of how horribly things had turned out than any purposeful strategic decision, and Yone and K’Sante confessed they were tired of bearing the brunt of the record exec pressure. For his part, Sett was more than happy to go on hiatus officially until Aphelios came back… if Sett was being honest, he hardly cared whether Heartsteel even stayed together anymore. Heartsteel was not special in that regard, Sett hardly about anything these days. This attitude, however, had not gone down well with his fellow bandmates.

And Aphelios had left them music, enough compositions and Basem*ntBand demos for a new album, specifically so they wouldn’t have to go on hiatus. Was it a farewell gift? Was it an effort to help preserve something he one day hoped to come home to? It was impossible to tell, and Alune could offer little insight. The way he’d broken up with Sett and effectively ceased all contact with everyone except for apparently using some sh*tty burner phone to text Alune felt like an odd way to go about keeping his spot in the band.

Ultimately, Sett had been outvoted, five to one. Even Alune had said it was important to start working toward a new release, Aphelios hadn’t spent his last weeks in the country feverishly writing music for them to sit on their hands and dick around till he came back. How each of them could be so eager to do anything when they would still be missing Phel was beyond Sett’s comprehension, but he appeared to be alone in that hang-up. Imagining releasing singles or touring without Aphelios, getting used to what Heartsteel was like without him… it felt like a betrayal.

And, maybe, that was what Aphelios was truly planning. For them to slowly acclimate to this new way of doing things, realizing that the show would indeed go on if it wasn’t the six of them, eroding the defences for when he did try to quit in the future, and they could no longer say that they couldn’t do it without him.

It almost worked too. Of all people, K’Sante had been the one to float the idea of asking Aphelios to officially resign, especially given his total lack of communication, and for what he’d done to Sett. To no one’s surprise, Kayn had agreed, but even Ezreal had been on the fence, deeply hurt that his best friend hadn’t said anything to him since leaving. Sett had found an unlikely ally in Yone, who had excoriated them (including his husband) for the mere suggestion of discluding their composer.

Perhaps professionally there was a solid argument to be made about Aphelios’ conduct, but Heartsteel wasn’t just their job. It was their family. They had no idea what Aphelios was going through in the army, what he was enduring. You didn’t cut someone out of your family for something like this, and coming from Yone, whose strife with his own brother was well-known, the admonishment had put the matter to bed, and it was never brought up again.

The Heartsteel comeback required an even more convincing impression of functioning normalcy from Sett, and he began getting very good at compartmentalizing his depression, taking it out only in private and wallowing in it, often assisted handily by copious amounts of alcohol and a new marijuana habit. But he learned how to avoid drawing remarks from his bandmates or label execs, showing up when it was needed of him, but offering little more. Instead, their management hassled him to get his appearance under control and lose the weight before the single came out, and he just ignored them.

When Yone and K’Sante first brought up moving out of the Heartsteel house and into their own condo, Sett had been horrified and heartbroken at the prospect of being left behind again. Logically, he knew it was only appropriate for the newlyweds trying to build their own life outside of the band, especially when said band’s future felt so precarious at times. But emotionally, it sent Sett into an even deeper tailspin, and when they did end up finding a condo (only a ten minute walk from the house), Sett had impulsively signed a rental agreement for his own bachelor pad, sight unseen, moving out the next day.

At least moving in had been quick. He’d taken little more than his clothes, his desk, bed, and computer, and the fish tank.

It was lonely, living by himself, almost too lonely to bear. But being left behind by his best friend and having to watch Ezreal and Kayn get to keep living their unruined lives while all Sett was left with was Phel’s abandoned bedroom felt far lonelier.

Surprisingly, Heartsteel’s activities did not suffer from the increased separation. If anything, they often spent more quality time together, working together and planning concepts, going out for dinner afterward and having fun. It helped a little, actually, and the tacit doubt about whether the band would survive began to fade. They began to feel like Sett’s friends again, not just his roommates who looked at him with pity or like they were silently wondering why he couldn’t pull himself together. And maybe by simple virtue of the fact that they were the only single people at these dinners or outings, Sett and Alune began to repair their relationship, too.

He’d long given up on pestering her to deliver his letters or beg her brother to talk to him. In exchange, Alune would tell him how Aphelios was doing every time she saw him, which was a great balm on his wounded, worried heart. Thankfully, he was safe and sound so far, and had only been sent out on endless non-combat drills.

At first, Sett had felt guilty about the renewed friendship, like he was using her just to feel some degree of closeness to Aphelios. Her nose scrunched the same way his did, she rolled her eyes like he did. They had the same cute gap in their front teeth. Her accent sounded like his. At first he couldn’t stand their similarities, but now he greeded for them, for these tiny reflections of the man he still loved.

Gradually though, he came to understand that this was okay, that they needed this from each other, that Alune ‘used’ him the same way. He was the only other one stuck back in time, paralyzed from the moment Aphelios had left them, unable to go for more than an hour or two without missing him terribly. It was okay that their friendship was a triad; they comforted each other, and they maintained a sort of unspoken, metaphorical shrine to the absent man much of their lives still revolved around.

But he also taught her how to sew, and he was the one who attended her graduation ceremony, cheering and whooping and hollering when she accepted her MBA diploma. She would cook Korean food for him, and he would cook his mother’s recipes for her, teaching her how to shape brigadeiro chocolate into little balls, decorating them with her. She watched the trashy reality TV shows with him that no one else in Heartsteel could stand, and she even visited his mom with him a few times. He drove her to the airport and picked her up when she went to visit her brother. They leaned on each other… until things got more serious between Alune and the woman she’d been seeing… and naturally, Sett was left behind once more, alone with his dumb TV, eating the brigadeiro straight out of the pan.

🎵

“Don’t take this the wrong way or anything, but have you gotten laid since he left?”

Luckily for Kayn, Sett was a little too high to take much offense, his thoughts too languid and disorganized for much of anything. Theirs was the unlikeliest friendship, if you could even call it that. Ever since health nut Sett had begun smoking pot, he’d naturally spent more time with the other rapper, who was his weed hook-up and also the one who conveniently let him hang out and smoke in the Heartsteel house living room, Pentakill usually playing in the background.

“Kayn,” Ezreal whined, “why d’you always have to take it somewhere weird? Of course Sett hasn’t gotten laid since Phel left, just leave it alone.”

“Damn, okay,” Sett raised his eyebrows at the stray shot, before conceding. “True, though.”

“I’m not trying to start anything,” Kayn protested. Whether he mellowed or became a psycho while high was a bit of a dice roll, but tonight Ezreal and Sett seemed to have lucked out, and Kayn was being genuinely decent. “It’s merely a suggestion, and just to sort of… wet your whistle. I’m not saying get back into the dating scene.”

“Ew, I’m cringe and not even I would say ‘wet your whistle,’” Ezreal made a face as Kayn laughed.

“Your birthday is coming up though, right?” Kayn pressed, trying to reason with all three of Sett’s functioning brain cells. “Why don’t we all go out, my treat, and you consider it. It’s been a while, and I think getting back into the scene might… help.”

Sett blinked a few times, digesting the suggestion and taking a robust swallow of cheap beer. “I mean… I still love him. I’m still in love with Phel. I don’t… I dunno…”

Ezreal awww’d and gave a meaningful look at own boyfriend.

“This could help with that, though. That’s exactly what I’m saying. Just… get Moon Boy out of your system a bit, and I guarantee you it’ll help you move on.”

“What if he doesn’t want to move on, Kayn,” Ezreal answered for Sett, using Kayn’s name like an insult. “I think it’s kind of romantic.”

That earned a guffaw. “That’s not romantic, that’s pathetic.”

“Damn, okay,” was all Sett said again, sunken into the couch like a moss-covered stone.

“Sorry Sett,” Kayn added hastily. “I just mean, we should be helping him get back on his feet, not enabling this. They’ve been broken up for six months–”

“Seven,” Sett corrected miserably. “...Twenty-nine weeks…”

“Jesus,” Kayn muttered under his breath, passing the blunt back to Sett and letting him take a long, deep hit.

“See,” Ezreal reached for it next, inhaling too hard and coughing profusely, making everyone wait for him to explain what it was they were supposed to see exactly. “He still loves him. You can’t tell me that isn’t romantic!”

“You can f*ck someone while you’re in love with someone else, Ezreal,” Kayn rebuffed mockingly. “In fact, I’d go so far as to say that is one of the primary motivators behind casual sex, people f*cking someone else when they can’t have who they want. I’m just trying to help Sett get out of his funk, but it’s not like I’m forcing him…”

Sett was far too high and drunk now for this, and mercifully he soon lost the train of the conversation, unable to follow the back-and-forth bickering between the two boyfriends who still often acted like archnemeses. They were still arguing even as Sett conked out on the couch, lost in an uncomfortable, hazy sleep that left him feeling like roadkill the next morning.

🎵

Sett didn’t find the idea as repugnant as he would have thought. Not to say that he found it appealing, at all. Mostly, he felt too numb to be affronted by the suggestion he go try and hook up with someone, and, this long and still not a single word from Aphelios, still not unblocked… Sett was beginning to have to admit to himself on some level, this break up was probably for real, and permanent.

Old Sett would have never even given a moment’s hesitation, rebounds were the best part of single life… but he’d changed. Aphelios had changed him. And so Sett found himself attempting to follow through with Kayn’s plan more out of compliance with some sort of How to Get Over a Bad Break-Up checklist than any real desire.

Truthfully, Sett was actually pretty horny somehow, and frequently. Sometimes egregiously so, but only for Aphelios. He knew that was sad as f*ck, that it was pathetic he could only approach a modicum of satisfaction when he jerked off to the memories of things they’d done, or the saucy half-clothed photos Aphelios had sent when they were dating. He knew that if he ever admitted that out loud, Kayn would have just laughed in his face, and Sett wouldn’t even blame him for that. He knew this was pretty tragic even as lows went.

But thanks to Kayn’s surprising generosity with the bar tab, Sett was spending the Friday night before his birthday in a swanky club, just drunk enough that he had a reasonable shot of following through, provided he found someone willing.

That turned out to be easier than predicted, Sett inadvertently staring at someone, not because he wanted to sleep with them, but because he couldn’t quite believe his eyes. He was still processing the sight in front of him when the man caught him looking, and approached.

His hair was just the wrong shade of green. His eyes sparkled like jewels, but Phel’s had sparkled differently. The makeup he wore was beautiful, but not quite how Aphelios would have worn his. His movements were graceful, like Phel’s, but with a self-awareness of that grace that Aphelios had never had. But still, for a moment Sett’s breath had caught in his throat—

“I’m Hwei,” the man held out his hand, not for Sett to shake, more like the way a woman would for a knight to kiss. Sett shook it anyway.

“Sett,” the beast-man had managed to articulate, his head and his heart a mess. How f*cked up was this, how sick would he be if the first person he tried to sleep with could have passed for Aphelios’ brother? Well, maybe his cousin…

Sett was still untangling whether the feeling overwhelming him was repulsion or interest when twenty minutes later, after cursory conversation, he accepted Hwei’s suggestion to go home with him by default, egged on by a enthusiastically supportive Kayn who’d shot him the thumbs up.

🎵

“Tea?” Hwei called from his kitchenette, “or more wine?”

“Um,” Sett fumbled, staring at the artist’s loft around him, trying to settle onto the futon couch instead of nosily oggling the clutter of painted canvases, sculptures, and charcoal sketches. “Just water, thanks.”

Some of the art reminded Sett of the lyrics Aphelios would write, but if he was being honest, there was a dark edge to most of it that the Vastayan found off-putting, though as drunk as he was, it was hard to put his finger on it.

Hwei soon joined him on the couch, offering him water in some kind of slouchy, clay mug, letting their legs touch. Sett forced himself not to recoil, reminding himself he wasn’t cheating. He had no boyfriend to cheat on. This was for his own good, he should think of it almost like an exercise. As with most things, it would probably get easier once the first threshold was crossed… though as it stood, Sett wasn’t even sure if he’d even be able to get it up if the conflicted cacophony in his head didn’t quiet down.

“You seem rather nervous,” Hwei spoke softly. The timbre of his voice was similar to Phel’s but there was none of the accent Sett liked so much. “As if you have bright orange bees, buzzing all around you.”

“Bees?” Sett asked, horribly confused, his fortitude already beginning to crumble, and he contemplated just leaving.

“And, oh my… your crimson ears,” Hwei laughed softly, gazing at them as they twitched in agitation. “May I touch them?”

“Oh, uh, y’know, they’re actually a bit sensitive, so…”

“I understand,” the man said, unphased by the minor rejection. “I cannot help but wonder, what the orchestra of life must sound like to you, how varied, how subtle… may I kiss you?”

Somehow, even though he was three sheets to the wind, Sett was nowhere near drunk enough for this.

“Oh… um, sure…” he fumbled, not wanting to be rude and say no, which would be especially weird after agreeing to coming home with Hwei. Just a kiss… it was just a kiss…

Hwei reached for Sett’s stubbled jaw, his touch a gentle pull. Sett watched as Hwei closed his eyes and leaned in, forcing himself to screw his eyes closed too, and wait. Until, with the new closeness, Sett caught the full fragrance of the other man in his senses, and the smell was just… wrong.

It wasn’t the complex fragrance that Sett missed so much; the spice of the incense Aphelios used to burn in his room, his breath that frequently smelled faintly of herbal tea he drank so often, the rich shampoo scent of his silky, turquoise hair.

Hwei smelled like oil pastels, cigarettes, and dead flowers.

No one would ever be Aphelios. And Sett didn’t want anyone else.

“I’m so f*ckin’ sorry,” Sett pulled away abruptly before the kiss could land. He’d had more than his fill of kisses he regretted with his entire being, this didn’t need to be another one. “I know this is a stale line, but, it ain’t you, it’s me.”

Hwei didn’t seem angry, just bewildered, and perhaps, a little sorrowful. “What do you mean?”

Respectfully but firmly, Sett pulled Hwei’s hands from his face and deposited them back in his own lap.

“It’s nothin’ you did, but I just can’t,” Sett explained, even though the bee comment had been a little bizarre. “This is real sad but, I came out tonight to try ‘n get over this… person. We’ve been broken up a while ‘n my friends were tellin’ me to try to move on, but I can’t, I wish I could, but I can’t. I’m real sorry, I never meant to yank your chain or be a co*cktease. And I shouldn’t be usin’ people like this anyway. Sorry.”

To Sett’s incredible surprise, complete understanding and even relief dawned on Hwei’s face, and he laughed, a few breathy, affected chuckles.

“You needn’t worry, my friend,” Hwei told him warmly. “For I, too, share your predicament, and was perusing the carnal distractions of the city nightlife for the same purpose. I search for but a facsimile of the intimacy I once shared—intimacy so intense, it was terrifying.”

Sett just stared at Hwei, at a complete loss for words. He’d expected several potential reactions, but certainly not… whatever the f*ck this was.

“Have you ever experienced such a thing, friend? Mine was fleeting, merely a summer, like the lifespan of a moth before it surrenders to the flame. But an immolation like that needn’t the vicissitudes of time for profundity, it consumes and leaves behind grey ashes that dance on the breeze, in search of the memory of the fire, as I do. The ashes seek to understand what created them.”

Insensible to the fact that Sett was undoubtedly staring at him with his mouth agape, Hwei rummaged around in his pockets, pulling out his cell phone.

“Perhaps you might do me the kindness of indulging me,” he continued, swiping through an album of photos. “The mind may know such coincidences are a foolish obscurity, but the heart utters its pleas to ask the question all the same. Do you happen to recognize him? He is the immolation I seek to comprehend, but I have… lost touch with him.”

Hwei’s phone was thrust into Sett’s face, and the Vastayan looked at the picture mainly because he had no other choice. The man in the photo was some lanky f*ck with weird, creepy dead eyes. Sett rudely thought to himself that he was the kind of guy you’d find out twenty years later had been burying bodies in his basem*nt, the kind of guy where none of his neighbours would say ‘ wow, a serial killer? I never saw it coming!’

“Erm, don’t know him, sorry,” Sett put his hands up in a gesture of surrender, and tried to be stealthy about shuffling further away on the couch. What could he say to get out of this, the subways had probably stopped running by now—

“A pity,” Hwei sighed, closing his phone and depositing it on the coffee table with defeated resignation. “But, perhaps in other ways, we are all the more liberated for the candour we’ve been able to share. I know that, while my spirit may seek the answer to the insoluble riddle once posed to it, there are necessities rooted in the corporeal medium that still beg expression. I am not opposed to collaborating on such a canvas, especially when there is gratification to be had from witnessing the creative directives of another.”

hat the goddamn f*ck had any of that meant? Sett was still puzzling when Hwei spoke again.

“Wait a moment, we can take our time—perhaps relax with a program first. And, allow me to get the wine this time.” Hwei turned on his TV before bustling back to the kitchenette, leaving Sett stunned on the couch, with half a mind to look for a hidden camera, because this had to be some kind of joke.

“Feel free to pick anything that strikes your fancy, friend,” Hwei instructed as the sound of something being uncorked came from the other room.

Sett looked at the loaded menu of Hwei’s CinéNet app, feeling his stomach drop out of his butthole.

City in Terror: Catching the Night Ripper
30: The Story of Ed Bondy and His Known Victims
Century of Murder
No One Could Hear Her Scream
Blood in the Gutter: The Unsolved L.A. Popstar Slayings

A notification came through on Hwei’s phone, illuminating it on the table and displaying his wallpaper, some fanart of two men kissing. With abject horror, Sett recognized the characters as the deranged cannibal psychiatrist and FBI profiler from a scary show he’d been far too much of a puss* to ever watch.

Sett rose so quickly he banged his knee off the coffee table loudly, assuring Hwei everything was fine when he asked what had happened. He had to get the f*ck out of there, now. Maybe that ‘summer of love’ Hwei had described with Mr. Shark Eyes would be the subject of some f*cking unsolved murder documentary soon, and for all his depression, Sett suddenly had a new and very enthusiastic lease on life—

“Hey, uh, Hwei?” Sett called out, approaching the front door and putting on his shoes as stealthily as he could. His ears were flat against his head and he tried to keep his voice from shaking. “I ain’t feelin’ so good actually. I think I overdid it at the club, one too many cosmos, probably. I’m uh, I’m just gonna call my friend to pick me up, just texted him the address,” Sett made sure to lie, as if to say, ‘don’t try anything freaky, you weirdo artist, because now if my body shows up dismembered in a dumpster, it’ll get traced back to you.’

“You’re leaving?” Hwei walked over, two glasses of wine already in his hand, that sorrowful, dismayed look back on his face. But, thankfully, he made no move to stop Sett from leaving.

“Yeah, sorry, don’t wanna puke all over your futon, or force you to hold my hair back all night. But I’ll, uh, catch you around–”

“Wait, let me give you my phone number, for when you’re feeling better,” Hwei rushed to put the glasses down, approaching Sett and expecting him to hand him his phone. “I understand the colour of your grief, and I meant what I said about finding solace with each other, it can get so awfully lonely–”

So that’s what that bullsh*t about corporeal canvases and creative directives had been about… Hwei could have just said he was still down to f*ck even if both of them were thinking of someone else. Or, at least, that’s what Sett hoped he meant, because ‘corporeal canvas’ sounded an awful lot like a euphemism that freaky ass cannibal TV psychiatrist would have said.

Instead of answering, Sett clapped his hand to his mouth, theatrically pretending like he was going to vomit imminently, waving and dashing out of Hwei’s apartment and into the street before the poor, bewildered man could even answer.

While Sett had been having his little trauma experience in the murder den, the sky had opened up and it was now pissing down rain. It was well past closing time for the subway lines, and as Sett checked his rideshare app and saw that there were no available drivers right now, thunder rumbled overhead.

He should have never gone out tonight, he should have never tried to push through what felt so wrong. He’d known deep down from the get go that this wouldn’t make him feel any better, it would only make things worse, but that little glimmer of potential relief—of the possibility that he could find a way to live life without Phel…

Tears of pure frustration began to mingle with the pouring rain on Sett’s cheeks, and he nearly smashed his phone on the sidewalk as he checked his app again and was still told there were no drivers. All he wanted was to get the f*ck out of here, to get dry and warm and cuddle one of his plushies till he fell asleep. His steps slapped wetly as he jogged through the streets, wanting to get away from that terrifying apartment, hoping to find anywhere he could escape the rain for a moment and make a plan.

He just wanted to get home, so bad—

Desperate, he called the first number in his speed dial, praying that the recipient would only want to kill him a little bit for waking him up at such an hour.

“K’Sante,” Sett could have laughed in relief when his best friend even picked up. “Dude, I’m sorry, but–”

“Sett? What time is it?” Underneath the sound of the torrential rain, the Vastayan could just catch the mumbles of K’Sante speaking to someone else, presumably explaining to Yone who’d been woken up too.

“I’m sorry, I know, it’s real late, but I need—I really need you to come pick me up, if you can. Please. Please?”

“What do you mean? Where are you?” K’Sante’s voice still had the muddle of sleep, but he sounded a little scared.

“I’m downtown, I missed all the subways ‘n there are no Super drivers right now, I was gonna stay the night with this guy but I think he was a whacko or somethin’, would made a keychain outta my tail ‘n you woulda only found little pieces of me all cut up in garbage bags–”

“Sett, calm down,” K’Sante ordered, stemming the chaotic inundation of information. “I will come get you, just stay somewhere safe, and you can explain what’s going on when I’m not half-asleep…”

The beast-man could have wept again with relief and gratitude, thanking his friend over and over and over till K’Sante reminded him he still didn’t know where to pick him up, and finally Sett found a convenience store he could wait inside till he arrived.

🎵

The moment K’Sante saw the state Sett was in, he didn’t even bother hassling him over waking him up and begging him to drive downtown. Far more than just a ride home, it was clear the Vastayan had desperately needed a friend.

“I’m sure he was not literally a serial killer,” K’Sante reassured him after Sett had finished recounting the horrors of his aborted one night stand, why he’d even been out getting sloshed in a bar and trying to hook up with a stranger in the first place.

“But I thought you knew better than to think Kayn is a good influence,” he continued jokingly, trying to cheer up his friend.

“I shouldn’t have even been out there,” Sett moped tearfully, still sopping with rain and smelling a little like a wet dog, though K’Sante graciously did not point that out. “What if he was normal? What if I went along with it?”

“You mean, what if you had actually slept with him?”

Sett nodded, his lip quivering. K’Sante took a moment, driving smoothly and safely through the rainy night time streets, before he decided to answer honestly.

“I think that, if you can find someone who makes you feel a little more comfortable, then it might not be a bad idea…”

Somehow, K’Sante encouraging him to sleep with other people felt far more offensive than any of Kayn’s vulgar suggestions, and the older man could see how his friend gaped at him.

“Your relationship with Aphelios is over, Sett. I know you don’t want it to be, and sometimes I still struggle to forgive him for how he dumped you, but I must remember it is not my fight. Another way, though, and I think it would not be as hard for you as it is now. What he did… he went too far.”

“That ain’t fair,” Sett protested, still wanting to defend his ex-boyfriend, but also struggling to hear the brutal truth from his best friend. “I don’t think there’s a way Phel coulda ended it that wouldn’t have left me like this. I still love him, K. As much as the day he left, even after what he did. When does that go away? It doesn’t. I don’t think I’ll ever stop feelin’ this way about him. Doesn’t matter what he did.”

Poignantly, K’Sante was silent, navigating how to balance his own thoughts on the matter with what he thought his friend was capable of hearing right now.

“D’you think I’m just an idiot?” Sett asked earnestly, genuinely wanting an answer. “‘Cause I know I feel like a f*ckin’ idiot. I know everyone thinks I’m bein’ immature or delusional or spineless or whatever. But I don’t see it like that. You gotta hear me, and believe me. I’m gonna be thirty in like, two days. I ain’t sayin’ I’m the pinnacle of wisdom here, but isn’t it fair that I would know what I want? What makes me happy?”

K’Sante offered no interruption, merely tilting his head by way of acknowledgement that Sett could continue making his point.

“I ain’t even sayin’ that Phel was the only thing that made me happy, but everything that was good before him was f*ckin’ perfect with him. Even when it was hard, even when he was keepin’ secrets or if we got in fights. It just felt right with him, like comin’ back after a long trip. Even if the trip is fun ‘n exciting, you still miss home.

“He was my home K, ‘n it wasn’t only the way I loved him, it was how he loved me, too. He made me more carin’, more thoughtful, he made me feel solid, ‘n like I was really worth somethin’. He made me feel so special, so cared about. Even when it was hard, it was easy. ‘Cause around him, I was the best Sett I ever been. Jesus Christ K’Sante, I was so f*ckin’ happy…”

Deliberately, K’Sante did not turn onto the highway, instead sticking to the streets that would take much longer to get home. Sett either did not notice, or appreciated the extra time to talk, for he said nothing, and started crying.

It was the first time they’d gotten into it quite this deeply, and K’Sante felt guilty for that, and he knew that between his new marriage, managing Heartsteel and their comeback, and the other myriad demands of life, he had not been as good a friend to Sett as he could have been. He’d told himself the Vastayan just needed more time, but in actuality, K’Sante realized he’d unintentionally given up on his brother, letting him languish.

“Do I even have the right to talk ‘bout this?” Sett asked in rhetorical frustration, tears still wetting his cheeks. “Sometimes, I feel like I owe it to him to get over this, ‘cause he clearly doesn’t want me. Is it selfish to be this in love with someone who doesn’t want you anymore? And he has no f*ckin’ clue, unless Alune is tellin’ him, which I doubt. He told me, when he was breakin’ up with me, that he knew I’d be able to get over it, ‘n he didn’t want to trap me. I kept tellin’ him no, I never would.

“But then what the f*ck did I go ‘n do, but kiss stupid f*ckin’ Qiyana and have it go viral. For him, he thinks he was right about me, he has no idea that I’m f*ckin’ obsessed, like a crazy person, that all I can think about is him ‘n when he’ll come back ‘n if he’ll ever even want to see me again… tryin’ to figure out if I could live with it if he asked to just be friends…”

Turning to K’Sante and wiping his nose on the back of his hand, Sett demanded, “you believe in soulmates ‘n sh*t, don’t you? D’you think if Yone asked for a divorce, that you’d ever really move on? Don’t you think it’s possible that, sometimes, we just find The One? If sh*t like that is real, then Phel is mine. How am I supposed to just get over that?”

“I don’t know Sett,” K’Sante sighed. “And I do not think it is just as simple as what happened between the two of you, or if you’re foolish for still loving him. He needs to apologize for what he put all of us through, how much damage was done. Both of you have more to worry about than if your relationship is finished.”

“Aw, K, don’t do me like that,” Sett protested, disappointed and embarrassed. For the first time, he realized just how much space had developed between them in the past seven months. “I know he ‘n I almost f*cked up Heartsteel, ‘n you ‘n Yone probably had to deal with a lot more ‘n I can even imagine ‘n I’m sorry, but it’s still everything to me, I know I can’t see past it but I dunno how else to be, especially when he’s still not here, he’s not somewhere safe—”

K’Sante gently patted Sett’s leg, calming him before he wound himself up any further.

“I do understand, and I don’t hold it against you, that’s not what I meant. And Yone has also spent many a night making sure I see too, how much my own ego has gotten in the way.”

The lack of response from the Vastayan showed K’Sante that, for better or worse, Sett was not been quite ready for this type of conversation yet. K’Sante had many strong opinions about what had gone down and what should happen; perhaps it was Yone’s influence, or just the realization that he’d never seen Sett so in need of a friend before, but K’Sante softened, retrieving the thread of their earlier conversation.

“I do think… we can have multiple loves,” K’Sante admitted, choosing his words carefully even as he saw how how the beast-man was still deflated, staring out unfocused into the rainy streets. “There was a time when I was sure Tope was my ‘One,’ but if that had been true, and I had never let go, I would not be married to Yone, happier than ever.”

It was clear, Sett had hoped K’Sante of all people would understand, but he was getting an answer he loathed instead. This late-night rescue mission would be pointless if it ended with the beast-man even further alienated.

“That being said,” K’Sante continued gently, “I do think that I would not love another, as I love Yone. I believe we may have multiple loves, because we have multiple versions of ourselves. When I was a prideful young man, full of ego, I loved Tope. That version of myself might have not loved Yone, or may not have been loved by him. But perhaps, once we discover who we are really meant to be, once we know ourselves, perhaps it can be said that the love we find in that version, might be our ‘One.’”

Sett perked a bit, clearly liking this addendum a little more, beginning to respond to what his friend was saying instead of just shutting down.

“But I will be honest with you, Sett. Both of you had—and have—much growing to do. Aphelios must learn that he cannot outrun everything he thinks he cannot deal with. And you, you may be thirty in years, but you have much to learn, too.

“I will not try to talk you out of how much you love Aphelios. And, for the record, I do believe you feel that way. But what I will tell you, as your closest friend, but also as the co-leader of Heartsteel, is that you must figure out how to use this time to focus on yourself. Wait for Aphelios, wait to see what happens, if you must. But do not waste this time.

“Look at yourself, Sett. You have not cut your hair in months, you have stopped going to the gym, and you do not look healthy. I am not here to shame you for some extra weight, but I don’t recognize you. The man I knew took pride in himself, in his health, perhaps excessively, but even so. Production told me they had to spend fourteen hours editing your photoshoot, because you looked like rotten meat. You are harming yourself, all this alcohol, hardly going outside—you are too focused on how much you love Aphelios, and sparing no love for yourself.

“And I am not talking about the light-hearted self-love they peddle. You are beyond needing to light a candle in your room or be mindful. You need to brush your teeth, you need to comb your hair. You need to put nutrition into your body. You need to go to therapy. You need tough self love, Sett. You need some pride.”

For a moment, Sett could only look at K’Sante aghast, profoundly offended and shocked, before he began pouting, even crossing his arms huffily over the chest of his ruined suit jacket.

“...Did you really have to say the rotten meat thing…” he grumbled.

K’Sante laughed, apologizing. “Maybe I could have left that out, I agree. For what it’s worth, I think the stubble suits you, and you wear the weight well. My concern is merely with the fact that you have stopped taking care of yourself, and I am sorry that I let you. What do you say… can I count on having my gym buddy back? Even just two days a week? It will help you, I promise.”

“Y’know what? f*ck it,” Sett declared, uncrossing his arms, some of his familiar passion returning, a fire lit in his eyes again, even if just small and flickering. “I’m in. I promise too. I needed to hear this, even though it made me feel like sh*t. But you’re right, you’re always right. I can’t be worried ‘bout another relationship if I can’t f*ckin’ take care of the one I got with myself, or the people I still got. And even if he came back, Phel wouldn’t even recognize me like this. I don’t even know who I am anymore… I gotta figure that out again.”

“Wise words, my friend,” K’Sante beamed at him, proudly giving Sett’s shoulder a squeeze. They were nearly home now, and, if Sett could keep his promise to at least try, then this unexpected 3 a.m. rescue drive had been well worth it.

“...Thank you bro,” Sett said, fist-bumping him. “I really mean it. Thanks. I kinda missed the gym too, might be real good to get back…”

“We shall get through it, one day at a time,” K’Sante promised him. “And that includes you. You will get through it. And at least, this way, when Aphelios comes back, you can be proud of the man you are when you meet him again. Your love is no more worthy or real, simply because you indulge the suffering it causes you.”

“That’s a bit too much of a truth bomb for me right now, K,” Sett admitted, because that precise thought had crossed his mind. Part of him felt like the misery he lived in was evidence of how much he still adored Aphelios, and was worried that any crumb of happiness would threaten the grief. And right now, it felt like the grief was all he had left of Phel. “But I’ll think about it, ‘n I will try.”

“And I will help you,” K’Sante told him as he pulled up in front of Sett’s bachelor pad. It was easy to get optimistic about changing your life in the middle of the night, but this truly did feel like some kind of turning point. “And we have our new single releasing soon, which will make it easier. Not only for things to do, but so I can keep my eye on you.”

Sett laughed at K’Sante’s good-natured wink, poking fun at him for the dad comment before thanking him again sincerely for being there for him, and for the much-needed wake up call.

🎵

“You’re sounding a lot better, sweetie,” Momma told him. Sett had called her to tell her there was a really good sale on fabric at the local craft store, but naturally they’d talked about other things going on in his life, like what he’d been up to since his birthday, and the new Heartsteel single set to drop that weekend. At least Sett could finally feel himself getting a little excited for it.

“Yeah.. been hittin’ the gym again with K’Sante, ‘n I cut down on drinkin’, by a lot. Only been a few days, but… I feel like I’m human again. Well, half, haha.”

Momma chuckled happily, and told her son she was very, very proud of him, and she was happy to hear that.

“I know it’s been quite the rough patch for you,” she said, “but I’m very pleased you seem to be turning a bit of a corner after so long.”

Sett mmhm’d, privately hoping the positive changes would stick, but giving himself some grace. Even if he only made it to the gym a few days a week, that was better than zero. Even if he still had episodes of binge drinking every so often, that was still better than every day.

“Can I ask ya somethin’ though, Ma?” He felt shy about bringing it up, even when the context was probably obvious.

“What is it?”

“I know everyone is sick of me talkin’ about it, but… when I was talkin’ with K, I asked him if he believes in stuff like soulmates, ‘n he said maybe. But Ma…

Sett pressed the phone even closer to his mouth, speaking with renewed determination.

“Even though I’m startin’ to do better… all these months have passed, ‘n I still love Phel. I don’t think I’ll ever stop. I just get this feelin’ in my gut that it’s meant to be him, ‘n I can’t get past it, and… I think he feels it too. I’m almost… I’m almost startin’ to get excited, for when he comes back. Do you think we get soulmates, Ma? D’you think he’s mine?”

There was a long pause on the other end of the phone. Sett felt his heart sink, his ears wilting and his tail stilling. He picked at the edge of a bolt of fabric with a claw, thinking glumly about how hard it would be if his mom still wasn’t on his side, either. He needed to stop bringing this up, he needed to find some other way of dealing with it.

“I used to be very upset with him, you know,” Momma started with a sigh, and Sett felt his stomach bottom out.

“I was very angry with him for what he did to you. Especially when I know him so well, and know how much you trusted him… but I spoke with Alune the other day, she messaged me from Korea. She told me about him. About how he’s doing.”

Instantly, Sett’s ears perked and his pupils slit, the edge of the fabric was clenched in his fist as he waited with bated breath for what his mother was going to say.

“She said he is doing horribly. That he’s like a ghost, and that he told her his biggest regret was letting you go–”

Sett somehow managed to almost drop his phone while also nearly crunching it in his grip. He could howled at the fluorescent craft store lights, and his heart was fluttering out of his chest, a scream building behind his ribcage, begging for release. How could this be true—had Phel really said that? Was his mom lying? Was Alune?

And Phel… Phel was suffering—

“Settrigh, listen to me,” she said firmly, knowing her child well enough that she could predict he’d already taken that information and run with it. “I thought long and hard about telling you, and Alune only told me that because she wanted to ask me if it was a good idea to let you know. And I didn’t tell you this so that you would put your life on hold again, waiting for him to decide what to do with you.”

Then, taking a page from K’Sante’s playbook she told him, “you both have a lot of growing up to do before you’re ready to talk about getting back together, or whatever crazy plans you have cooking up in your head…”

Bullseye again. Sett had already been hearing wedding bells clanging.

“I’m telling you this because I want you to keep fighting, but not just for him. I want you to keep fighting for you, too. You have so much to offer, so much that’s dimmed in the past half a year. I don’t know if I’ve done the right thing or just given you false hope, but to answer your question sweetheart, I think you should trust that feeling in your gut, and make sure that you can say you were proud of every decision you made along the way, regardless of the outcome. Are you listening?”

“Yes—”

“Don’t forget Aphelios still has his own choices to make, and you still have your own life you have to live and worry about and fight for, whether he’s in it or not. But trust yourself, Settrigh, and keep fighting hard for what you want. You’ve always been a fighter. So keep fighting, okay?”

“Yes, Momma,” Sett promised her instantly, feeling in that moment like he was the strongest man in the world, capable of anything, deserving of it all. “I will, Momma.”

“But,” she added, her voice much gentler, no traces of matriarchal scolding left, “I do hope it works out. You two used to be so good for each other, and I liked that boy quite a lot. We’ll see how things go. Talk to Alune when she gets back, and see what she has to say, alright? I just want my son to be happy again.”

“Me too Momma, and I will,” Sett said, choking up, feeling like his heart was being broken and put back together again a hundred times a second. There was hope…

Finally there was hope.

🎵

Chapter 9: "Shadow in the Sun" Joe P

Chapter Text

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Chapter Nine (Aphelios)

Shadow in the Sun - Joe P

At 4:30 a.m., Aphelios woke, dressed, washed his face.
By 5:00 a.m., he was in formation. For the next hour and a half, he did physical training.
6:30 a.m. was breakfast.
7:00 a.m. to noon was drills.
Noon was lunch.
1:00 p.m. to 6:00 p.m. was more training.
6:00 p.m., he ate dinner.

After dinner was his scheduled break. Instead of personal time, when other recruits would use their phones or play games, he would go to the gym, and train.

Then, he would clean up, change, get dressed for bed.

At 9:30 p.m., the lights were turned out, and he slept.

🎵

4:30: wake up
5:00: formations, training
6:30: breakfast
7:00: drills
12:00: lunch
13:00: training
18:00: dinner
19:00: gym
21:30: lights out

🎵

Same as above.

Over, and over, and over.

🎵

The first things they taught were the core values of the army, what it stood for. Loyalty, Duty, Fraternity, Sacrifice, Patriotism, and so on.

Then, it was basic First Aid. How to render care to someone who had been injured.

After that, weaponry.

Every day was the same. Changes were negligible, and limited to what subject matter he was learning. Time began to bleed into itself, days blurring into weeks, blurring into months.

Over, and over, and over.

🎵

Initially, it had not been like this.

The first week of basic training, Aphelios thought a lot about running away. And when his head touched his pillow, he would think about how nice it would be if he just didn’t wake up in the morning.

He learned two essential lessons that first week, too.

One was that he had been identified as a sort of weak link in the class. Whether it was that the other recruits recognized him as having a degree of fame, or as being too American, or as queer, he couldn’t tell. It was likely a mix of all three, and then some. The second night, he found some of the men going through his phone, reading his text messages to his sister and making fun of him.

He felt a rush of gratitude that he’d prepared for this. He hadn’t brought his actual phone, which would have had his real secrets on it, and the secrets of others. Instead he’d left it in his desk and bought a burner phone, and Alune had kept his laptop. The third day, when he’d come into the sleeping quarters to find his bedding pulled apart and his few personal effects either scattered or destroyed, he realized with nauseous, resigned grief that he really had made the right decision to cut all contact. His fellow recruits were looking for anything they could sell to the tabloids.

He’d offered no reaction to them, except to calmly put his bed and belongings back together. He had no idea if his lack of response made it better or worse for him. It didn’t really matter to him either way. He hadn’t brought anything of any specialness to him, so anything they ruined he just replaced via the canteen.

Thankfully, he’d also left Alune the necklace Sett had given him, with his matching ring hung on the chain for safekeeping, along with the bronze bird from Ezreal. If they’d destroyed or stolen those, then… Aphelios would likely have done something he would have regretted.

When they quickly tired of destroying his things, they turned to tormenting him, doing things like running up and slapping his back as hard as they could when he was showering, hard enough that the palm marks raised welts. They would spit in his food or steal it from him or pour their drinks in it, laughing as he rose silently, and threw it out. He lost track of the disgusting things he found in his bed, of the names they called him, of the ways they ridiculed his silence.

In the second and third weeks, once obstacle course training and team-building exercises began, they got creative with their ways they would sabotage him or hurt him or prevent his progress. The drill sergeants either did not notice, or did not care. Nothing was ever done, and Aphelios was not strong enough to defend himself. He realized he had to change that, and that was what led him to learn his second essential lesson.

If he used all of his spare time to work out, to perfect the hand-to-hand combat techniques they’d learned that day, to get stronger, then he would be left utterly, totally, and comprehensively exhausted. The exhaustion got so profound that gradually the chaotic torrent of his thoughts stilled, and instead of desire or sadness or anger or self-loathing or heartbreak, he would just feel numb.

He realized it was how he could survive.

His body got stronger, his mind became more blank. Often, no conscious thought moved his hand, and he liked it that way.

Far worse than the pain of anything the other recruits had done or said to him was the lingering agony of what he had done to Sett. Of how much he missed him, how much he missed Alune, how badly he just wanted to be back with Heartsteel.

It was such a well-known adage that the army was no place for tears that it felt like a stale cliche, but there was a brutal truth to that. Without the numbness, he would have cried himself to sleep, he might have never stopped crying, and if he thought the hazing was bad now, he’d read stories of how much worse it could get.

Even so, sometimes the tears persisted, in spite of the numbness. They would fall, disguised as he showered, or they would come when he was alone at night in the gym. They would streak across his cheeks and often he would not realize they were there until they dampened his clothing or caught on the backs of his hands.

Sometimes, he would wake with tears on his cheeks, like morning dew clinging in his eyelashes. For a moment, he would remember what he dreamt of, before he forced it down again, wiped his face, and started all over.

🎵

Each day, so similar. So much like the others. Indistinct, unremarkable, robotic.

Aphelios felt like he was sleep-walking through life. And if ever his real heart stirred too passionately, attempting to awaken from its hibernation prematurely, he would anaesthetize it once more, hoping he could outrun it long enough, before it became immune to this forced numbness and shattered within him.

🎵

The consequences of Aphelios’ regimen began to manifest. Some that he had hoped for, and some unintended.

The first day he submitted a fellow recruit in the taekwondo exercises, the tint of the bullying changed. The worst of it had long subsided, instead simmering down to a sort of incessant background noise of pointed misery that Aphelios juggled as just another daily task. But that day, its violence flared once more, and he found himself cornered in the gym that night by three of the worst sh*theads. He took two of them down before he was found with the third, each of them with a fist pulling on the other’s shirt collar and trying to get the upper hand, Aphelios’ nose bleeding profusely. They’d all been disciplined equally in terms of punishment, but the drill sergeant who’d found them had cryptically told Aphelios ‘good job,’ with a look of pride on his face.

There were a few more days of this—rinse and repeat—where the bullies would try to repay Aphelios for the humiliation of beating them one by one on the mats, ambushing him in numbers or using other even less honourable tactics. Each time, he fought back, and each time they were caught and disciplined. And still, each time, he was congratulated by the staff.

This happened until he had officially beaten every other recruit in his platoon, defeated only by their instructor, who had nonetheless announced that he’d put up an excellent fight. That day, the bullying stopped completely. Almost like the rest of them had discussed an intentional ceasefire.

From then on, Aphelios was left to himself, left to shower in peace, to eat in peace, to sleep in peace. And that was all he wanted, that would have been enough. But inadvertently, he’d managed to earn a lot of respect in the process, and now, even the most persistent of the antagonists understood they could no longer beat him, and they viewed him with a sort of peculiar integrity, because never once had he complained or ratted on them. Now he found himself being approached with subtle camaraderie, even if it was rare. Other men now asked to practice techniques with him, or they imitated him and used some of their spare time to go to the gym too, mostly allowing him to work out in silence but no longer alone.

Aphelios had no friends, but he could also no longer say he had any real enemies.

His diligence and newfound strength also began to distinguish him with his instructors and sargeants. He never volunteered for anything, but when he was asked to provide an answer or perform an example, he would do so perfectly. As a soldier, he was exemplary.

He felt no pride when praised. He felt nothing at all with regards to how he’d somehow become the standout of his cohort. All he concentrated on was the completion of tasks, pretending like he was a machine that converted them into hours spent, the end goal just to pass the time, like a prison sentence. He would often have to double- and triple-check the date to ensure that time was, indeed, passing.

This sustained him until one day, the full comprehension hit him that this bootcamp was finite, and that, very soon, they would be receiving their assignments to different departments. This filled him with a sort of low grade dread, creeping into his bones like cold crept into a room with a broken heater.

Bootcamp had fostered a sort of reliable stupor he could exist in; it had the stability of routine, and while far from being pleasant, it had few variables. Aphelios began to hear the frothing excitement with which the other trainees spoke of their impending graduation and assignments, some of them even excited on his behalf, saying he would definitely be selected for something prestigious and thrilling.

That was exactly what he was afraid of.

He deeply resented that nothing in his life seemed to come without some kind of hideous price, only appreciable when it was far too late to prevent it. Spending all his spare time in physical exertion or hardcore studying had been the only way he knew how to survive, how to not simply go insane with regret and heartsickness and homesickness. He’d prayed for so long that he would get one of the desk jobs, or something with machinery or loading, or maybe even medical. But he knew it too, with a sick feeling of vertigo he saw the writing on the wall that he’d proven himself to be far too good a soldier to be hidden away.

Imagining scenarios where he might have to hurt someone, another human being… Aphelios prayed that if it ever came down to that, him or taking the life of someone else… that he would just manage to get himself killed first.

🎵

Aphelios dreamt often, almost every night in a way that he could remember. He’d hoped his sheer exhaustion would take care of that too, but the dreams had continued to plague him. He dreamt a lot about how Sett hated him, scenarios not unlike that time all those years ago that he’d stopped at the top of the stairs, a new arrival in the Heartsteel house, overhearing the nasty things the Vastayan was saying about him.

Other times he would dream about outrageous things like Qiyana moving into the house while he was gone, about having to watch Sett with her and flaunting it in his face. He’d always wake up from those nightmares with the feeling of rage spreading through his chest like magma, until his consciousness would resurface and alongside his jealousy and he would feel tremendous guilt. He had no idea about the status of those two, and he’d deliberately avoided looking up anything about Heartsteel or any of its members. He had no right to know, no right to feel this possessive or betrayed. He’d thrown Sett away like he was trash… and, as he had to remind himself fervently, the point of the break up had been so Sett could move on.

This dream was different though. The night before Aphelios’ cadet graduation, he dreamt of him and Sett, together in his childhood room.

Everything was larger than he knew it would be, if that room even still existed. Most of it was remembered through the mind of a child, and so the bed felt huge, the darkness felt sinister, the cross hanging on the wall scared him. He’d hated that room; he and Alune used to share one, but then they’d moved, and their parents had told them they had to grow up, that Aphelios would have to get over his shameful fear of the dark and stop cuddling in his sister’s bed like a baby. The only thing he liked about that room was the glow in the dark stars his mother had helped him paint on the ceiling, a sort of compromise after months of Aphelios crying himself to sleep and waking the household with his shrieks from virulent night terrors.

Aphelios was frightened of that room, felt trapped in it. In the dream, he rushed into Sett’s open arms, feeling relief so powerful in his warm, strong embrace that he immediately began to weep. The Vastayan comforted him, whispering sweet nothings in his ear, kissing his hair, his tear-stained cheeks, his lips. Aphelios wanted to beg him to stay like that forever, but his voice would not work, it was strangled by the terror that something was about to come into that room, they would be caught and pulled apart.

As he desperately tried to think of some way out of there, he felt a firm, light weight in the palm of his hand, and looked down, to see it was a box of matches. When Sett saw them too, he smiled.

Together, they set fire to that room, catching the bed sheets, watching the flames climb up the walls, melting the paint, immolating the cross. Sett held him again as the room filled with smoke, he could feel it greasy and thick and smothering in his lungs. But he felt no fear, not anymore; the fire was liberating, exciting. Its warmth did not burn, and as the blaze ate up the darkness, they kissed again, those little glow in the dark stars winking through the smoke overhead.

Aphelios woke with the taste of smoke and Sett on his tongue, filling his senses richly. In the moment before he opened his eyes, his heart soared like a freed bird, his chest felt open and unburdened, his body bright and warm… the way he’d felt when he used to wake up in Sett’s arms.

And then, reality began its gradual insistent press into his awareness. Weight settled back into his limbs, smothering heaviness in his chest where his heart began to thud heavier with pain.

What he would have given to go back, even just for a minute, back into the dream with Sett, while the fire burned down everything they didn’t need.

🎵

Aphelios graduated, and was assigned the prestigious role of special sniper. Should conflict erupt, he would be deployed as a sharp-shooter, eliminating targets one by one. Everyone congratulated him, his sergeants telling him he was cut out to make a real career of this, his fellow cadets wishing him well… a few of them even apologizing for how they’d treated him initially.

How could they not tell? How could not even a single person see the truth? The man they were praising was a husk, anything about him that mattered had been erased, punished out of him, taken from him, or ruined by his own hands.

Sniper?

The promotion was so much worse than anything he’d ever imagined in his most awful nightmares. The only thing that could have approached being called a silver lining was that it was one of the shorter assignments, requiring only a year and a half of duty. With the time he’d spent in basic training, his enlistment would end in time for him to be out to celebrate his and Alune’s 29th birthday.

But did it really matter? What did he have to look forward to, who would even want to celebrate such an occasion with him, when he’d ruined everything? Even Alune had to have a healthy amount of resentment pent up, after all he’d put her through.

Discharged early, with nothing to go home to.

🎵

That night, another dream.

Aphelios had tossed and turned for hours, a rarity when he so pointedly ensured he was usually exhausted beyond all resistance, and also trying to pointedly ensure that he avoided thinking about Heartsteel when he could help it, too. Neither had worked that night; he knew that Alune would have told them about his assignment, and with the tenacity of a dog with a bone it wouldn't let go, his brain would not relent in its musings about what each member would be thinking about it.

Ezreal would probably make some kind of FPS video game joke to hide his visceral discomfort. Kayn would probably congratulate him for being a badass, finally. K’Sante would probably recognize the undeniable hard work that Aphelios had put in, and Yone would understand that this felt like a punishment more than any kind of achievement.

But Sett?

It was a special kind of pain to realize he had no idea how the man he had once known the best out of all of them—out of anyone, save his own sister, really—would react to the news. If they had still been dating, if Aphelios hadn’t broken his heart, then maybe Sett would have cracked jokes about his sexy boyfriend looking even sexier in his uniform, only to comfort him in private, because he would have been able to tell how badly Phel didn’t want this.

But now, it was impossible to know. Maybe Sett would give a bitter chuckle, say something like ‘good for him’ when Alune told him, if he spared the matter much thought at all.

His heart had its own conclusions though, if the dream he had was any indication. Aphelios found himself in Sett’s arms once more, burying his face against his chest as the Vastayan held him crushingly tight, the way that made him feel safest. Even as Aphelios thought how he didn’t deserve this, Sett only held him firmer, whispering in his ear that it would all be okay, his large, rough hand petting his head with tenderness.

Even if it was the delusional dreams borne from pain, the comfort Aphelios felt in the dream was so real and so potent that it was lifesaving. There was no small irony that after everything—everything he’d done to him—Sett was still such a boon to him. And all Sett seemed to ask from him in return was one simple question: why did this have to end, why couldn’t they just be together?

Even when Aphelios woke, with tears on his cheeks again and a hundred and one logical objections like how Sett had already moved on or that he’d proven he hadn’t deserved Sett’s love, deep down, Aphelios could not summon an answer that felt good enough.

🎵

“Well, I’m glad you’re mostly okay…” Alune fiddled with the straw in her iced coffee. The fact that she was drinking one in winter reminded Aphelios very much of Yone, and he felt a sharp pang in his heart as he missed his friend severely. He held off from asking how he was doing, how his Christmas had been.

“Physically okay, I mean,” she clarified in a mumble after, finally lifting her eyes from her drink and staring at him hard. “You don’t seem happy, though.”

They were an hour into Alune’s visit with him, and so far the first time he’d used his weekend breaks for something actually personal. Aphelios had been looking forward to this, he couldn’t help it. They texted regularly, mostly Aphelios giving proof of life messages to his worried twin, but seeing each other was another matter entirely. But now that Alune was here and in front of him, walking on eggshells, he mostly felt… devastated. Things were so different. He could feel how he’d changed.

He wanted to cry, to break down in her arms and listen to her assure him it would all still be okay like Sett had in the dream, reassure him that he wasn’t unrecognizable, that he still had a life he could go back to once this was over. That she wasn’t just as scared as he was that he’d just been assigned to a dangerous, high-risk unit that might see actual violence. Instead, he felt an awkward distance between them, and vacillated between the impulse to shut down, and to open up and show her the brother she missed so much, the one he had to keep entombed for his own protection.

Alune certainly seemed to be doing her best to pry the lid off his glass coffin, to wake up his true self from a sleep like death, like a prince in a fairytale. He wanted to give that to her, but the problem was that he would still have to stay here and figure out how to endure this, when his twin went back home. And he could not do that if he was anything less than numb.

“Don’t you want to talk to me, Phel?” she asked abruptly, in quiet confusion. “Don’t you want to ask how everyone is doing? You’ve barely said complete sentences to me… I want to know all about how your assignment is going, and you’re so big now, too! You like working out?”

Aphelios shrugged, not realizing how broad his shoulders were, how much he’d thickened with muscle in just a few months.

Did you have a nice Christmas? he asked her, diverting her pointed questions while attempting to hold up his end of the conversation.

“It was okay,” Alune offered lukewarmly. “I really missed you. Yone gave me a present for you, and you’re going to accept it, no matter what, okay? He said it’s not a big deal, just a care package of little stuff he didn’t think you’d have.”

Reaching into her tote bag, Alune brought out a small box wrapped in beautiful light purple paper, with a card taped to it.

Aphelios’ feelings were intensely mixed as he stared at the parcel; he’d tried so hard to stifle the sentimental feelings for his bandmates, because he couldn’t bear how much he missed each of them, his life with them. That little gift might as well have felt like Pandora’s Box. But his heart yearned for any connection to them… the fact any of them still wanted anything to do with him…

“Open it,” Alune prompted him gently. “I think you should open it.”

He needed little coaxing, and almost of their own volition, his fingers opened the envelope and pulled out the card.

Dear Aphelios, it read.

I think of you every day, and I hope you enjoy these small conveniences. I wish there was something more we could offer to ease the burdens I am sure you bear. I am honoured to still call you a member of my family, this family we call Heartsteel, and remember that the desire to protect our loved ones is a two-way street. I hope that one day soon, you decide you will let us help you and support you the same way you have tried to protect us. A family also forgives, and nothing you have done is beyond forgiveness.

As such, let me also inform you that for now and the foreseeable future, your attempts to resign from Heartsteel are automatically vetoed, and that you are stuck with us.

Much love,
Yone

The gift contained a bar of fragrant, high quality milled soap, a shower-safe container to keep it in, ear plugs, several boxes of his favourite herbal tea, lip balm, a blank notebook and pens, and various packaged snacks with a long shelf-life. None of the items alone might have felt like anything special, but each one of them had been selected with such thoughtfulness, Aphelios could no longer stem the flow of his tears.

As he began to cry quietly, Alune scooted her chair around the table, patting his back, uncaring if anyone in the cafe was looking at them. This close to a military base and with Aphelios’ shaved head, this was likely hardly a rare scene here.

“I thought they would have asked me to resign by now,” he admitted after a long time, his voice hoarse from disuse and crying.

“I know you did, and I know that’s what you were trying to do.” Alune offered him some tissues and pushed his tea back in front of him, encouraging him to take a sip to calm down. “I won’t lie to you Phel, we did talk about it. We talked about whether to go on hiatus, or–”

“But I left music for them, so they wouldn’t have to,” Aphelios protested urgently, a vague feeling of defeat beginning to weigh on him.

“I know, don’t worry. We’re not going on a hiatus, we’ve started planning a comeback too. But we did talk about whether or not you would be continuing. I know you were convinced you’d ruined things beyond fixing, but they decided… it isn’t Heartsteel without you.”

“But… Sett…” It was the first time in months that he’d said his ex-boyfriend’s name aloud, and its potency was nearly too much to handle. “He’s a co-leader, I thought he…”

“Would hate you and demand you leave?” Alune filled in the gaps mercifully, seeing her brother was struggling to articulate his intense feelings. “No, he and Yone were the ones who insisted you not be allowed to leave. Sett didn’t even want to come out of hiatus, either.”

So close—Aphelios was so close to asking his sister about the Vastayan; how he was doing, how he’d handled the break-up, if he was happy now, if he was seeing someone else yet, if he ever asked about him. But the card and package from Yone already felt like too much, Aphelios worried that if he heard something he didn’t want to hear, he might not be able to cope.

And the worst part was, even he himself wasn’t entirely sure what it was he wanted to hear or not.

“This is a good thing,” Alune soothed him. “You’re already four months into your enlistment, you’re twenty percent done! And when you’re finally finished with this bullsh*t, Heartsteel is waiting for you. You haven’t ruined it, Phel. You have something to look forward to.”

He looked at her, his brow contorted with the inundation of tears that threatened to fall. He had to get himself under control, or everything he’d sacrificed to make it through the last four months would be worthless. He didn’t know how to tell her that the last four months had been an entire lifetime, that he felt like he died every time he woke up and opened his eyes to this life, how it also felt like one brief blur, gone in the blink of an eye, because he was a ghost, insensible to who he even was anymore.

And he couldn’t explain that returning to Heartsteel was both what he wanted most and had also hoped desperately to worm his way out of… returning to Heartsteel after breaking up with Sett, when he was still…

No, Aphelios couldn’t go there. His dreams might force him to confront the fact that he was still deeply in love with the Vastayan, as much as the day he’d left, but he censored such confessions from his conscious thoughts. It was too painful.

“You silly…” she murmured at him, hugging him in his chair. At least the awkwardness had faded, and Alune seemed to be presciently aware of the parts of him spiderwebbed through with hairline fractures, the places that if she poked a little too hard, he would shatter. And above all, she did not insist on bringing up Sett.

“I can already tell this was a lot for you to deal with, baby brother. But take some time and think about it all, okay? Think about letting them in again, about re-opening some channels of communication… it’s weird that they’re preparing a comeback with music you wrote, and you haven’t said a single word to any of them.”

Aphelios thought for a moment, feeling violently ashamed of himself, but still too scared. At last, he nodded… agreeing at least to contemplate the idea of reaching out, somehow. Maybe there was a way it could be managed, so that it was still safe for everyone…

Which song? he signed, asking Alune. Which one did they choose?

“Eclipse,” she answered. “It’ll be the single. I’m not sure if anyone can deal with doing a full album right now, but Eclipse might be made into a mini EP.”

He remembered that one well, and wondered why they had chosen it, or if it had been purely a decision by their record execs. It was catchy, and sexier than what they’d released before. A song about being blinded by the thing you wanted most.

It did feel weird, to know that a song he’d written would be recorded without him, the concept discussed without him, performed without him. He’d written music for other artists before, but letting go when it came to Heartsteel was harder than he expected. It just made him a hypocrite. After all he’d done to try and show them how replaceable he was, this sour feeling in his stomach and the tugging on his heartstrings proved he didn’t actually want it to be true.

He sat for a moment, thinking. Alune let him, sipping on her iced coffee and giving him some space.

Thank you for everything, he told her at last. I’m sorry I put you in the middle, and that you have to run interference or give me updates like this. Thank you for fighting to keep me connected to them.

“I love all of them too,” she explained, her face softening with a smile, evidently happy that she’d broken through some of a permafrost insulating her brother’s heart. The way he was talking, she could tell that some of his stubbornness was receding, and things might have a chance of being repaired.

“I’m just working to keep my family together. And as much as I wish to God that you’d done things differently, I understand why you did them, and ultimately, you were still the one who had to leave, to go through this. I want to make sure that you have the opportunity to come back to the life you earned, Phel. If you were ever willing to explain to them, to ask for their forgiveness, then I want to work to make sure you have that chance, because you deserve it. And they would. They would forgive you.”

…Thank you, Lunie, Aphelios signed before accepting her happy hug. He didn’t think he deserved a second chance, he didn’t think he even deserved to have a sister as amazing and loving as Alune… but he could concede that some things were outside his control.

“You’ve had my back more times than I could count too,” she beamed. “And what’s the point of being your brave and smart older sister if I don’t use some of my wisdom and experience to help out my poor little baby brother?”

You’re only like twelve minutes older…

“And? Don’t you forget it!”

🎵

Alune visit seemed to have put things in motion; something had been rustling to life within Aphelios since seeing his sister, beginning to fret and kick its limbs when it should have been totally asleep. He tried to ignore it for the most part. His special duty assignment mercifully meant his training and drill schedule was even more demanding, though thankfully, he had yet to see a real deployment, and hopefully never would. In the haze of exhaustion and stress it was easy to pretend.

But the day he heard Eclipse on the radio for the first time, it was like the opening of a door he’d kept locked so firmly, sealed shut. Eclipse was like a wedge in it, ensuring Aphelios couldn’t properly close it again.

They’d done such a good job. Yone’s production and arrangement elevated the original composition. And as always, hearing the lyrics all the others wrote in addition to the ones Aphelios had written was his favourite part—the whole was far bigger than the varied sum of its parts, far bigger and better than what Aphelios had conceived of on his own.

But what surprised him most was that they’d added a singing verse, giving it to Sett whose voice was low and rough, in a pleasant way. It was raw too, with undisciplined natural talent and strength.

I’m not supposed to want you, but I do
I never learn, no I never learn
Don’t wanna be smart, don’t wanna be wise
Just wanna strike a match, and let it all burn

They tell me to run, they tell me to live
They tell me I should forget what you said
And yeah it hurts bad but I'd do it again
You can’t fix a broken heart with a broken head

There was so much pain in those lyrics, or perhaps more accurately, so much desire, it tipped over into agony. It fit with the theme of the song, but… Aphelios could not help but wonder what Sett’s inspiration had been, especially because the lyrics reminded him so much of the dream he’d had, where they had set fire to his bedroom. He wished so badly he could talk to Sett right then and there, to tell him what a good job he’d done, how lovely it was to hear his singing voice.

But this came hand in hand with the desire to apologize to Sett, to explain even though he knew it would make nothing better. He was overwhelmed by curiosity about what the beast-man was like now, if he’d changed at all, if he was happy… how much he still hated him.

As the days wore on, Aphelios found all his spare thoughts occupied by this line of thinking, obsessing over Sett when his attention was not demanded by duty. To his surprise, the pain did not kill him, and neither did the heartbreak stop his heart like he’d been sure it would. It took over his life to the point where the arduous team drills or shooting practice felt like the break, but enough time had passed that while it could still make him feel crazy, it didn’t make it impossible to function.

He also wished he could think of the time they’d spent together with pure, unadulterated gratitude, especially since it was now over. That wasn’t to say that he wasn’t grateful, sometimes Aphelios felt such an abundance of gratitude he’d ever met Sett and felt what it was like to be loved by him that it morphed into intense grief instead. But he also felt greedy, resentful, and even hateful.

He wished they could have had more, that they could have had lifetimes together. All he had ever asked for from his sh*tty life was this one simple thing, to be able to stay with Sett and Heartsteel, with his sister at his side. He was resentful that even this had been taken from him, and just when he’d begun to really trust that he could enjoy it, that it was his life to live, that it was okay for him to believe in this happiness and embrace it. And above all, he hated himself, so much.

He hadn’t been selfish enough to dodge the enlistment, to accept the blacklisting and criticism as the cost he had to pay to stay with the people he loved most. But he had been selfish enough to hurt them all, and hurt Sett the worst out of everyone. He’d done what he’d convinced himself was best for the Vastayan, but he knew deep down, he’d done a lot of it to protect himself.

What kind of person did that? Hurt someone else that badly, to avoid the potential of being hurt themselves?

The nastiest confession Aphelios forced himself to make was that when he’d let Sett go, he’d told him he knew he’d get over him and find happiness. But the thought of the beast-man with anyone else made him sick with jealousy. The possibility that Sett could love someone else the way he’d loved Phel was revolting, and Aphelios was horrified at his own secret hope that Sett hadn’t gotten over him, and that he spent every day thinking about how Aphelios was the best he’d ever have.

What kind of person wished for that? To hope that the heart they’d broken so cruelly stayed broken? Sometimes Aphelios felt that everything he’d done since finding out he had to enlist had been one big test, or a toddler’s tantrum. He’d behaved as badly as possible, as mean and as sneaky and as self-servingly as possible, almost like a challenge to see who would dare to love him through it, who wouldn’t be scared away.

Aphelios undertook a new kind of training, a sort of cognitive rewiring through sheer intention. Every time he felt one of these ugly feelings, one of these selfish desires, he would erase it with a bland admonishment, each of them like a concrete cinderblock that he hoped would eventually become a containment wall around his unforgivable egoism.

When he found himself thrilled by the possibility Sett might still be in love with him, he punished himself by remembering his kiss with Qiyana, followed by a recitation of I hope Sett has moved on. I hope he is happy with someone else. I hope he has forgotten about me. If he found himself heartbroken over the idea that Sett might never be able to forgive him and would hate him forever, he recited I am grateful for the time we did share. I deserve nothing more. I do not deserve forgiveness. Sett deserves to be happy.

Slowly, he managed to wrangle most of fixation under control, and the thoughts of Sett were worn so threadbare by his cyclical arguing against himself that gradually, he found his way back to numbness once more.

With one exception. One hypothetical of which he could not let go.

If only he could have done things differently…

🎵

With the arrival of spring, Alune visited again. There was far less awkwardness, and this time Aphelios was the one bearing gifts. In honour of her graduation he’d had to miss, as well as their shared birthday in February, he’d custom ordered a necklace for her with two amethysts, their birthstone. She glowed with happiness as she wore it and touched it gently throughout the fancy lunch she’d insisted on treating him to, even though she was the one who’d flown across the world to see him.

“You only pick at your food now, but somehow you’re still huge,” she teased him, splaying her fingers open wide to try and encircle his bicep, and failing. She could barely do it with both hands, and only if Aphelios wasn’t flexing.

Aphelios just shrugged noncommittally, but his sister’s bright mood, how happy he was to see her, and how proud he was of her graduation meant a little smile was tugging at his lips as she fawned over him.

“Your fans aren’t going to believe what you look like now,” she continued. “You could play some kind of hardcore love interest in a K-drama, like the guy the main character thinks is bad news, but turns out he’s the gangster with a heart of gold–”

That’s kind of rude, he signed and laughed back.

“Well, have you seen you? With your muscles and your shaved head? Don’t forget your eyebrow scar and the fact that you have resting bitch face. You look like if someone breaks my heart, I can send you after them to make them sorry.”

Hmm, I think you’re still scarier than me, he teased her. They felt like a normal brother and sister, and for the first time in months, Aphelios was happy.

Alune pretended to take another serious look at him. “Well, you’ve still got those big ears of yours. It does decrease the intimidation factor. Every time I see them, it reminds me of what a cute kid you used to be…”

You used to call me Dumbo, Aphelios rolled his eyes playfully, blushing a little under the attention.

“They still turn red when you get shy too,” she said, which, of course, just made it worse. They bantered back and forth a bit, mostly Alune continuing to rib Aphelios, before he cleverly changed the subject and took the heat off himself, by asking if there were any potential heartbreakers Alune had in mind for her scary younger brother to intimidate. It was her turn to begin blushing.

“Weeell… there is a special someone, maybe.” Alune grinned coyly, and absentmindedly played with the pendant of her new necklace. “Remember when I ordered flowers for K’Sante and Yone’s wedding, and there was a really cute girl who owned the shoppe? I finally got up the courage to ask her on a date, and… it’s honestly going really smoothly.”

So you don’t need me to throw my weight around and freak her out? The twins looked at each other for a moment before Alune burst out laughing, and Aphelios smiled again. They both knew that such a thing was wildly out of character for him, and that he’d never interfered with any of her relationships, and likely would never. Alune could accept that she’d have to fight her own battles, no matter how edgy her brother now looked.

They chatted more, a bit about how Alune was learning about flowers, a bit about how Aphelios was doing in the special duty unit. The month prior, he’d had his biggest scare so far: reports of hostile activity in the Demilitarized Zone, and he’d been part of the group deployed. Thankfully, it had been a false alarm, and no one had gotten hurt or had to hurt anyone else.

Aphelios let Alune pray for him, and she prayed aloud that such this peacetime would be the story of the rest of Aphelios’ military career. But as he waited, a familiar song began playing over the speakers of the restaurant.

They both noticed Eclipse within the first few notes, and an awkward silence fell for its full duration. He didn’t want it to, but the song slowly but surely began to peel away the bandages that stemmed the flow. He could feel himself shutting down, retreating.

“...You okay?” Alune asked tentatively, almost rhetorically, because the answer was so obvious.

Aphelios was so frustrated, mostly with himself. Their visit had been going so well, especially because they’d so adroitly danced around the topic of Heartsteel, enabling Aphelios to keep up a plausible front of stability.

“You’re not okay,” she told him.

He couldn’t even protest properly, it was too obvious. He tried anyway.

It’s still difficult sometimes, but I’m fine.

Silence, and scrutiny.

“No you aren’t.”

Yes, I am. As fine as I can be.

“You really think you can lie to me? Your twin?”

Now, he was frustrated with her. Can’t you just leave it? We don’t get to see each other often. I don’t want to spend your visit talking about this.

“I do.” Alune wouldn’t budge, and sudden aggression seeped into her voice. “I get so worried about you. You know, It’s not normal that you’ve never asked about them. You told me you’d think about reaching out to them, but it’s been months. Don’t you miss them? Don’t you want to know how Sett is doing?”

If only there was a way to scream yes and no at the same time, and mean both equally.

Of course I miss them. Aphelios pretended like Alune hadn’t even said that last thing. But talking won’t do anything to help.

The irritated sigh Alune huffed was so abrupt and vicious, Aphelios couldn’t help but recoil a little.

“Yes, it will. You can’t avoid everything that’s painful, pain doesn’t mean it’s bad. It’s okay for you to miss them a lot, and letting me tell you about them or asking all the things I know you want to know, it would help. And there’s no reason for you to have cut contact with them like you did. Don’t you think it’ll be worse, to try and go back and repair things after so long, versus how much it might hurt when you miss them, but still talk to them?”

Alune, please…

She gentled a little, but she did not relent.

“I don’t want to let this go, Phel. Not this time. It’s been seven months, I think you’re strong enough to manage both, now. I’m scared you’re sabotaging what you could return to, everyone still loves you, everyone still misses you. They’d all forgive you, but you just need to talk to them. I’m worried that you’ll let yourself be so alienated from them, that even when they welcome you back, it’ll be too hard. You’re going to have to face things, sooner or later.”

Sagging in his seat, Aphelios stared at the tabletop stubbornly, knowing everything his sister was saying was true. His plan hadn’t worked out, not the way he’d hoped. He’d been counting on being kicked out of Heartsteel by now, but it seemed as if the others simply would not give up on him. He felt his heartbeat thump heavily with how much grief and happiness the realization caused him.

“What are you really afraid of, Phel?” Alune leaned over, peering at him until it became too weird to keep avoiding her eyes. “I think there’s something holding you back. One thing you’re too scared to face. Because otherwise, I can tell you want to. You miss them and you want to reach out.”

He didn’t answer her quickly enough, he was still unable to gather his turbulent thoughts, much less able to decide what kind of answer he wanted to give her.

“Tell me, or I’m going to start making guesses, and it might go places you don’t want it to.”

He didn’t know exactly what that meant, but out of any human on the planet, Alune knew where each chink in his armour was, and she could sometimes be brutal about poking into them. He didn’t want to undergo that kind of verbal vivisection, especially not in public, and especially when he knew that she would likely arrive at the correct answer anyway, but do considerable damage on her way there.

Because she was right, there was one fear he nurtured, above all. It was so powerful, it paralyzed him. It felt like an anchor around his neck, dragging him under, foiling all his attempts to reach the surface to catch his breath, much less figure out a direction he could swim in.

For all his self-inflicted cognitive rewiring, he still hadn’t figured out how to punish it out of his heart, and neither could he concoct an argument persuasive enough to talk himself out of it.

He was still in love with Sett, and was basically certain he always would be. And that meant that he would also always have to live with the regret that breaking up with the Vastayan had been the biggest mistake of his life. He would never know what could have been, if he’d given it the chance Sett had begged him for.

“Phel?” Alune said his name like a warning.

Yes, okay, I am afraid. You’re right. I’m scared to even think about going back, even though I miss everyone, more than I can bear. In some ways it’s worse to know they’re waiting for me, because I’m scared I’ll come back and nearly everything will be like it was before, except… except for him.

Kindly, Alune did not gloat over being correct, but she did look satisfied that she’d finally gotten an answer out of him, and forced him to stop avoiding the truth, at least to a degree.

“So that means…” Whether Alune was still figuring it out or just being generous enough to let Aphelios fill in the blanks himself, he could not tell.

It means I’m still in love with him, and that I think I’ll never get over how much I regret what I did to him. How much I hurt him. But it also means that I’m too selfish to be genuinely happy for him, now that he’s moved on. It doesn’t matter what kind of effort I do or don’t put into it while I’m still here, because I ruined my part in it the moment I broke up with him.

Surprisingly, Alune’s expression was one of blatant confusion, and though she quickly mastered it, it was his turn to grill her back.

What? he demanded with no small amount of sass. It was an additional surprise that he still had the kind of pride that could be mortified at what felt like his sister’s mocking. Not what you were expecting? That I’d be this much of a pathetic hypocrite? How sad it is that I’ll never stop regretting how I let him go?

“No,” she interrupted him, reaching for one of his hands and soothing him. “No, that’s not why I made that face. I just… have you been reading anything about him? Like in the media…?”

The question seemed like a complete non-sequitur, and it did little to calm Aphelios’ frustration.

I saw them on the cover of a magazine, he quipped, answering in a roundabout way. For Eclipse promotions. They all looked… really happy. Sett looked good. He’s changed his hair, though…

Again, Alune hit him with such a dubious expression, it felt insulting.

“But you didn’t read the interview inside?”

Aphelios shook his head.

Alune seemed on the verge of saying something, but at the last second, held her tongue. What Aphelios evidently didn’t know, was that much of the article had comprised of Sett talking about how much Heartsteel was struggling in Phel’s absence, how different things felt without him. That he may have been a man of few words, but in the band, he was irreplaceable. It felt like Heartsteel was missing its heart. And it was almost laughable, how ironic it was for Aphelios to say Sett looked like he was doing well, when Alune knew that was purely attributable to the magic of photo editing.

He also didn’t evidently had no idea that Sett hadn’t moved on, not even close, but Alune could not figure out how to tell him that in a way that wouldn’t destroy her brother’s heart. As much of an advocate as she was for Aphelios to grow out of his pathological tendency of avoidance, she knew that if she told him the full extent of just how deeply Sett still loved him, and how much he had suffered due to their break-up, that Aphelios might truly not be able to handle that.

Although she could tell Phel’s curiosity had been piqued, Alune side-stepped and instead, carefully attempted a different tack.

“What if Sett really wanted to re-open communication with you? Sett specifically. Would you be willing?”

Caught off-guard by the question, Aphelios considered it carefully. He had to admit that he’d convinced himself the Vastayan, rightfully, now hated his guts, and had been terrified of contacting Heartsteel again, only for Sett’s replies to be conspicuously absent. But if Alune was asking, and so pointedly…

I’ve never thought he’d want to speak to me again, not beyond professional politeness… I guess if he did want to, then, yes. I would. I want…

Tightness constricted Aphelios’ throat, and his eyes began to burn. Alune waited attentively, patient and compassionate.

I want to tell him how sorry I am. I don’t feel like I even have the right to do that, but if he wanted to hear from me… I’ve thought a lot about the day I go back, and that he might be willing to meet me, and let me apologize. I think what I did to him was the worst thing I’ve ever done, and I just wish… I wish I could tell him I’m so sorry.

Perhaps the military had changed him, or too much of him was still in soldier mode, because somehow, Aphelios managed to keep the tears from falling.

“But what if he was willing to talk now, and you didn’t have to wait?”

Aphelios’ heart began racing at the mere thought, and a thousand hopeful, agonized fantasies rushed through his brain. But there was still one catching point, one thing he’d hidden all this time.

I… I would want to, but I can’t…

“What do you mean? You can receive letters, you get emails. You text me every night. Sett could do the same–”

No, not like that. He took a deep breath, bracing himself. He’d lied by omission heavily about his time in boot camp, what had been done to him. But Alune was clearly planning something, and he had to come clean, lest there be unintended consequences for everyone.

One of the reasons I cut contact was because I knew it wouldn’t be safe. Before I enlisted, I read about how other cadets tend to harass anyone famous, that there’s a market for stealing their phones or correspondence and selling it to the tabloids. It’s much worse for idols, but when I was in boot camp… they really tried. They read all my messages to you, that’s why I always texted you only routine updates. Nothing would have been safe, and I wanted to protect them from that. All of them, but especially Sett. His messages to me would have been on the front page of every website.

“Wait, what? What the f*ck?” Alune breathed, astonished, disgusted. “How come you never told us—how much went on, Phel? What did they do to you? How much worse did it get?”

That doesn’t matter anymore. But I still don’t know if I can trust everyone on my team now. If they noticed that I was suddenly using my phone more, or receiving letters… I just can’t put him through that, Lunie. You know how he is, the kinds of things he would say, even if I told him to be careful.

Alune seemed about to insist, and he could tell that even the allusion to the incredible harassment and bullying he’d been a victim of had infuriated her ‘big sister’ sensibilities. But she also had new energy, something like a twinkle in her eye, and a fresh persistence.

“There has to be a way… couldn’t you just delete all the messages he sends you, after you receive them? So even if someone tries to snoop…”

We’re not always out of the barracks at the same time. It would be too easy for someone to take my phone while I was on an assignment, and because of the time difference, there might be plenty on there to sell, before I even knew Sett had messaged.

Alune’s brow knitted, and she chewed her lip, thinking hard. “You’ve really thought about this… I can’t believe this whole time, you were dealing with this alone. That this is why you wouldn’t accept their letters or emails…”

One of the reasons. But yes. The main one. It’s why I couldn’t change my mind even when I knew I’d made such a big mistake.

Aphelios had given the predicament a decent amount of thought, but had always stumbled on the irrefutable obstacle that he was sure he’d torched all those bridges, but especially his connection with Sett. It didn’t feel worthwhile to put effort into finding a safe communication solution when no one wanted to talk to him. But Alune seemed so sure, and excited…

Maybe… he began thinking out loud, I could set up an email online. If I erase my browser history and don’t install the app, the average person would have no idea where to even begin looking… something other than JMail. I could delete all the messages before logging out too, just to be safe.

“I still can’t believe this happened to you, and that you didn’t tell anyone! Why are you like this?” The indictment was followed by a fond sigh, and an abrupt, bright smile. "But... you said you could make an email...?"

It was only when he saw how big Alune’s smile was that Aphelios truly realized the implications. After so long, he might really have a secure way to speak with his friends again, and if Sett was willing like Alune seemed to be hinting at, then Aphelios could apologize…

The whole notion of it was too overwhelming, and he could feel his heart thudding in his chest with anxiety and anticipation at the mere thought of it, like a long forgotten prisoner banging on their cell bars upon hearing the word freedom.

He could think of a thousand reasons not to, why he didn’t deserve this second chance, talking himself out of the optimism beginning to bloom. But the yearning cry of his heart drowned it all out, and in a fateful moment, he looked at his sister, and nodded. Maybe it was more selfishness, but if there was any way for him to unf*ck up the rest of his life the way he was terrified he had, then Aphelios would do anything for that redemption.

Okay. I’ll make an email.

🎵

It was a little surreal, to be using his personal time for anything other than more training or vigorous workouts. But Aphelios had brought his phone with him to the gym this time, still too paranoid to look like he was deviating dramatically from his routine. He knew he was probably being overly cautious for nothing, but the abundance of precaution merely forced him to admit to himself how deeply scarred he’d been by the violation of seeing the other recruits going through his belongings, scrolling through his phone in an effort to sell the intimacy of his life to the highest bidder.

Alune had arrived home safely yesterday, and Aphelios had not been able to keep himself from checking the inbox he’d set up for the address he’d given her. They’d agreed that she would give the address to Sett first, and allow him time to reach out (or not) before Aphelios attempted to make contact with the others. He knew, intellectually at least, that she’d had to get settled, and was probably exhausted and jet lagged, maybe still even sleeping, but definitely not meeting urgently with Sett to give him Aphelios’ new email, not yet. Even so, his stomach had bottomed out yesterday when he’d checked the inbox, and found it empty.

He knew he needed to give it time, to give his sister time to tell Sett, to give Sett time to acclimate to the idea of contact being reopened. It was still totally uncertain how he would react, especially since he was still technically blocked on Aphelios’ other accounts, not that he was using them anyway. Aphelios had to be patient, he had to make sure he didn’t inflate his hopes beyond his own management, setting himself up for a catastrophic crash when he was inevitably reality checked.

Breathing deeply to fortify himself, Aphelios sat on the bench press, and logged into the inbox, expecting to see nothing once more.

Instead, there was a notification: one unread message, but from an address he didn’t recognize… [emailprotected]. What on earth…? Spam, already? He was about to delete it, before the numbers in the name clicked, and he opened the message, his heart in his throat.

hi aphelios,

i dunno if u’ll get this, but i thought i would try. i’ve been dyin to talk 2 u, im ur biggest fan, ever. i know celebrities dont usually respond 2 fans, but thats ok, i got excited just at the thought that u might be readin this.
if u do decide 2 write me back, it would mean a lot.sincerely,
sun wolf
the #1 aphelios fan and secret admirer

…What?

Aphelios’ confidence faltered for a brief moment, unsure of whether this new email had somehow already been discovered by some stalker fan after all, until he read it again, properly this time, and realized how it had been signed off.

He clapped his hand over his mouth to keep a sob from escaping.

No one else knew their little inside joke: moon bunny loves sun wolf, 🌙🐇💘☀️🐺

It was Sett… and he clearly didn’t hate him… he was asking him to write back, and signing off with the use of their private pet name. What did the pet name mean? Did Sett still care for him…?

But then, why the weird fan roleplay? Why the email that looked like spam…? Was he just being delusional? Was this a joke?

After wracking his brains for a moment, a broad smile widened on Aphelios’ face, and his eyes swam with tears. Alune had probably told everyone that he’d been so worried about their messages being intercepted or stolen, and, given that this was the first contact made to a new address after months of nothing, maybe this was Sett’s way of not only ensuring that if the email was received by an unintended party it would expose nothing, but also to ease the both of them back into regular communication.

Somehow, it was perfectly Sett, to come up with an innocuous little game, to take the pressure off of Aphelios, even after what he’d done. He could have easily sent a diatribe, a litany of indictments, demands for apologies, or some icy dismissal—throwing them both into the deep end and putting the burden on Aphelios to answer the inundation. While Aphelios thought that was exactly what he deserved, he was deeply moved by the subtle thoughtfulness and sensitivity of the Vastayan…

How he’d ever been capable of so cruelly hurting such a sweet, kind soul, Aphelios might never understand about himself. But he could also see the full implication of the message and its tone, and it was that there was still—in spite of everything—hope.

For the first time since he’d found out he had to enlist, Aphelios felt hope that he may not have irrevocably ruined the rest of his life after all.

Chapter 10: "A Bird" Isaac Hong, Chin Sooyoung

Chapter Text

Megi's twitter (you should go follow her RIGHT NOW): lordmegi

My twitter where you should come say hi to me hehe: aphelionaphelia

And here's the Homesick Soundtrack: spotify

Chapter Ten (Sett)

A Bird - Isaac Hong, Chin Sooyoung

Sett stared at the line of letters written on the piece of paper Alune had just handed him. That in itself would have been enough to bring him to tears, because he would recognize that handwriting anywhere. Looking at this thing Aphelios had touched and written on was a small cataclysm in the beast-man’s chest, the first tangible proof that he still existed. But the fact that it was for him … after all this time, Aphelios wanted to talk…

“This ain’t a trick or nothin’, right?” Sett asked, eyes welling, he was already grimacing from trying to hold them back. Never in a million years had he really allowed himself to hope for this, and with how tightly he’d wound himself up in anticipation of Alune’s return after what his momma had said, Sett felt fit to explode.

“Of course not,” Alune smiled at him gently, reaching to pat one of his huge arms and soothe him, before she turned her attention back to the duck pond and threw in a handful of peas. “He really wants to talk to you, Sett. I know you guys have a lot of things to say to each other, so I won’t interfere, but I’m really hoping you both can find some peace now.”

So many thoughts and emotions were tearing through Sett’s head, it was impossible to think clearly through the cyclone, and he had so many questions that all needed answers now, it was a struggle to voice any of them. For a moment, the Vastayan watched the waterfowl swim eagerly towards their park bench, quacking softly as they ate the peas, until one question emerged from the seething mess, boiling to the top above all the others.

“Did you tell him I’m still in love with him?”

Alune side-eyed him, her expression unreadable, frustratingly so. “No, I never did. You can, if you want to. But he has no idea, about almost anything. He didn’t ask for updates very often, about anyone. He doesn’t check the internet. The only thing he seemed to have seen was your JQ cover, and he’d convinced himself you’ve been doing great… I did not correct him.”

Somehow, the more information Alune provided him, the more overwhelming and confusing this all was. Aphelios really hadn’t been obsessively Guugling him? Or Heartsteel? That would have been the first thing Sett would have done, especially after that stupid kiss debacle. If he’d seen his ex-boyfriend of less than a day kissing someone on international social media, Sett probably would have given himself carpal tunnel syndrome with how many times he looked for any crumb of news, any updates whatsoever.

And the fact that he had no idea how Sett had suffered this whole time? Hardly a minute of the last eight months had passed without the beast-man pining for his lover, he even yearned for him in his sleep, in painful dreams.

“I wasn’t sure if he could handle knowing,” she continued, picking her words carefully. “I know I need to stop sheltering him, but there was a stretch there where I was really worried about him. Like really worried. That he’d do something stupid.”

She turned to him on the bench, looking at him hard. They hadn’t planned it this way, but this was the same park they’d walked through all those months ago, when Sett had begged Alune to let him contact her brother. It felt surreal to have Aphelios’ email address in his hands here, now.

“I know I literally just said I wouldn’t interfere, but I need to, just a little. Your mom and I talked a lot about what to tell you, if we should really get involved, ‘cause you guys had a hard enough time communicating properly directly half the time… I’m worried that if we make it a game of broken telephone, all of this just gets even more tangled up.

“But both of us agreed that you’d been doing a lot better, and of course we’d never keep the fact that Phel asked to talk to you a secret. But I have to meddle, just a bit, ‘cause he’s my little baby brother. What he did was so wrong, Sett. I’ll never try to diminish that. But I need you to know he has spent every single day absolutely hating himself over it. Hating himself.”

“Lunie…” A new fissure of grief opened up in Sett’s heart, radiating shockwaves of pain. A few tears fell across Sett’s cheeks, and he tried to blink them away.

“I know Sett, I know. I will never ever tell you how you should feel about what happened, but I’m so grateful he found someone as crazy as you, who loves him like you do, who has forgiven how stupid he can be. If you guys get into it, I think he’s strong enough to handle it now.” She paused, chewing on her lip hard. Sett could see just as much emotion in her eyes as he was feeling. “But I didn’t tell him how bad it was for you, because I was really worried it might have actually killed him. He already hates himself that much over it, and that’s now, while he thinks you got over it quickly.”

Desperately, Sett wished he could erase all of it, much less for his sake, but for Phel’s. The last eight months had easily been the worst of Sett’s life, but he’d had friends around him, his freedom, his music, his mom. It sounded like the last eight months had easily been the worst for Aphelios too, and he’d had no one.

“I’m not asking you to make your feelings smaller,” she told him, fishing out individual peas from the bag and lobbing them into different areas of the pond, trying to make sure each duck got at least one. “In fact, if you want my opinion, I think you need to be really honest about what happened, how you felt. The good and the bad. Phel has to learn he can’t just run away or self-sabotage. He has too many people that love him that get hurt too.”

The last handful of peas, thrown specifically for a momma duck and her babies.

“All I’m asking… no, all I’m suggesting , is that you guys ease into it. Lots of people would fire off an email, being like ‘you know what you made me go through these past months?’ and you would be totally justified. But I just wanted to explain… that he thought you were happy, that he had no idea how bad it was for you, and that I think he would have reached out if he had. Actually, I think he wanted to reach out anyway, he regretted it so much. You can blame me for blocking that, but I was worried about what it would do to him mentally, to tell him how bad it was.”

“But I woulda been there for him too,” Sett protested vehemently, as if the past could be changed now. “If I coulda just talked to him, things wouldn’t have been nearly so bad for me, ‘n I coulda helped him through his stuff too. Why not just let us talk?”

"Because neither of you were ready,” she replied tartly. There was a lot of truth in that, but Sett was still affronted. At least his tears had receded. “And you may have been able to handle it, but he said he didn’t want any communications, and he looked like he couldn’t deal with any, either. He made a lot of this mess, but he wouldn’t have been able to help fix it with you, in those early days. It probably would have just pushed him over the edge, especially since he didn’t think it was safe to talk to you guys.”

That took Sett aback, as offensive as a punch. “Huh? Not safe? Now that really ain’t fair, I know we can be a bit crazy, but I woulda never done anything to hurt him–”

“Not you guys,” Alune interrupted, trying to be patient with her brother’s ex, and falling just short. It wasn’t Sett’s fault, she had just never been the type to enjoy being in the middle, it had been demanded of her too often. “I didn’t know this until I just saw him, but there’s a reason he gave you that email. He said when he first got into basic training, the other recruits stole all his stuff, and went through his phone multiple times. There’s a real market for selling things to the tabloids, apparently it happens all the time to idols in the military. But I had no idea. I had to pick at him and pick at him until he told me. ‘Cause I could tell he wanted to write home so much, and he wouldn’t say why he just didn’t.”

The full spate of Sett’s fury was redirected towards the other cadets, now that he understood. His ears flattened against his head, and his tail bristled.

“People were stealin’ his sh*t? Tryin’ to sell his secrets? Those f*ckin’ sh*tstains! I woulda killed ‘em! They woulda outed him! For what? $5000? If that? To ruin his life? To take away all his privacy?”

Beside him, Alune warmed with fondness for him, a little smile tugging at her lips, baffling given the subject matter. Sett was too wound up to notice, angrily snarling and looking out into the park, maybe for a tree he could punch. He had no idea this was one of Alune’s favourite qualities of his—that even after what had transpired, Sett’s first instinct, always, was to protect the ones he loved… and that still very much included Aphelios.

“Your secrets too,” she pointed out.

“I don’t give a f*ck about that, what’s one more pap story about me? People been talkin’ sh*t about me my whole life, I don’t even listen. But Phel, Phel doesn’t deserve that sh*t, he’s so private, he deserves—”

“Sett, I know, it’s okay. Calm down.” Alune chuckled as she patted his arm again, trying to keep him from spiralling over something that hadn’t happened. “I hope everyone finds a little more forgiveness though, for what he did, for how he hasn’t written. I think there were lots of other solutions, but he convinced himself that he was a liability, and he wanted to protect you all from what was being done.”

Sett did calm, but his fury only transmuted into more heavy, stifling sadness. “Yeah, but… who was protecting him?”

Looking at him, her red eyes shining in a way so similar to her brother’s, Alune smiled. “I know. I wish we both could have been there for him. But he got strong enough to protect himself. I think he needed to… as much as I wanted to spare him from that, he had to learn to fight for his own sake, in a place where he couldn’t just run or give up on himself.”

There was a moment’s contemplative pause before Alune added, much more matter of fact, “of course I mean metaphorical battles, but he can also fight like, actual fights now, too. He’s massive . It was so weird. I couldn’t get my hands around his bicep, not quite as big as yours were but it was weird! My teeny little baby bro with his dumbo ears looks like he lifts tree trunks for fun.”

Apparently, Sett was going to experience the entire breadth of human emotion in one morning: elation, adoration, rage, sorrow… and this new one, one he could feel low in his gut.

“That’s really hot,” he said without thinking. “Did you take a photo of him?”

“Watch it,” Alune playfully scowled, as if Sett was getting fresh about a man he hadn’t already spent two years dating. “Sadly, no. He wouldn’t let me. I think he hates that about himself too, how he looks. Mostly it’s the shaved head. That was really hard on him.”

His electric lust dimmed abruptly, and once again, Sett just felt filled with intense, yearning sadness. “God… poor Phel. He used to take such good care of his hair, his makeup, all that stuff. Guess that all got taken away from him, too.”

“I think the whole thing has been fairly close to his idea of hell,” Alune agreed. “But one more thing, before you email him. And you have to promise me you’re really paying attention, okay?”

Scolded, Sett shrunk a little, nodding his head and promising like an obedient pup.

“I know I’m a jerk for doing this, but I’m going to reality check you. Him wanting to email doesn’t mean you guys are back together, or that you ever will be. He still has a year of duty ahead of him, I don’t know what he wants. I’m saying this for both your sakes… just take it slow. Your mom said she could tell the second she told you about Phel regretting the break up that you were already getting way ahead of yourself.”

“Aw, c’mon,” Sett groaned, genuinely embarrassed and bristling at the condescension. “I’m a grown man, I can figure my own sh*t out, ‘n for as excited as I am, I know this doesn’t just fix it all. I know this is just an opening to talk, nothin’ more right now. I once promised your brother that I’d always listen to him, ‘n give him room to talk without jumpin’ to conclusions, ‘n I’m a man of my word. That doesn’t change just ‘cause he’s my ex, now.”

“Alright, fair enough,” Alune raised her hands like she was content to let the matter go, having done her due diligence and made sure Sett accepted the terms and conditions. “I do see that twinkle in your eyes, though.”

“Lunie, quit bustin’ my balls, will ya? No sh*t there’s a twinkle in my eye, I get to go home ‘n email him, after all this time of missin’ him so f*ckin’ bad! Even if all he sends back is ‘hi,’ I’m gonna be on top of the world…”

Alune muttered something that sounded an awful lot like ‘well, I tried.’ Sett was well beyond prudence, he was on Cloud Nine. Reasonable concerns or rationality were like funny little specks below his feet, as insignificant as ants as he ascended higher and higher into his personal heaven.

Alune and Momma could say what they wanted, and it wasn’t like it hadn’t occurred to Sett that he might be able to repair the relationship with Aphelios one day, only to find out that it would be a friendship only. Of course that would break his heart, but he would respect Aphelios’ wishes, and cross that bridge when he came to it. Maybe he was getting way too ahead of himself, but he also didn’t think he was that crazy for hoping for more.

If Aphelios thought that breaking up with Sett was the biggest mistake he’d ever made, that meant something, that sounded like there was a real possibility Aphelios would take a second chance if given one. And Sett’s heart was screaming for its own second chance—to be allowed to love his soulmate and the only person he was sure he’d ever want like this, for the rest of his life.

Sett was a fighter too, and he could easily see the future he wanted to fight for.

🎵

“You could disguise it as fanmail,” Ezreal suggested, handing Sett another sopping wet pan, the Vastayan drying it without thinking. He no longer lived in the Heartsteel house, but helping Ez with the chores seemed like a fair exchange for being able to pick his brain about the right way to email Aphelios. For all his purported immaturity, Ezreal sometimes had surprisingly good advice, and had often felt like the only other person actively rooting for Sett and Aphelios to get back together.

“That way, if it somehow gets intercepted or you send it to the wrong address, then no harm, no foul.”

“But how would he know it’s me?” Sett pondered, depositing the clean pan with the numerous others. Evidently, neither Ezreal nor Kayn were diligent housekeepers, and when Sett had dropped in, there’d been quite the dirty pile in the sink.

“You guys must have had some kind of inside joke or code or something, right? Just use that.” Ezreal’s hair had been dyed lavender for their Eclipse comeback, and he threw purple locks back over his shoulder and began humming as he scrubbed. The beast-man looked at him, considering.

“Yeah, that ain’t half-bad, actually. I mean, there were lotsa romantic little things, ‘n I don’t wanna come on too strong outta the gate, but I can think of somethin’. And Alune said Phel has absolutely no idea, she never told him I ain’t moved on, ‘n I did myself no favours with that Qiyana stunt. So maybe somethin’ that lets him know I haven’t forgotten the tender stuff…”

“I still can’t believe that,” Ezreal said, genuine. “Just thinking, all this time, he had no idea about anything. I can’t believe Alune didn’t tell him either… he thought you were just dating Qiyana or something? Are you gonna tell him?”

Sett paused, feeling a powerful influx of shame, though he knew Ezreal hadn’t intentionally been admonishing him. He didn’t need it, the beast-man felt mortified every time he thought about that drunken, retaliatory mistake. But it was different to actually consider addressing it directly with Phel, now that such a thing was very much possible.

“I dunno,” he replied at last, accepting the sudsy pot Ez had been holding out. Sett noticed it was still crusted in spots with boiled-on macaroni, but he didn’t hand it back. “I mean, at some point, yeah. But what Lunie said, ‘bout Phel having such a hard time, that gutted me. I dunno when it’ll be right to dig into that stuff. First, I just wanna make sure he’s okay.”

Ezreal gave a very fond sigh. “That’s sooo cute… for what it’s worth, I think he’ll be really happy to hear from you. You always treated him really well. I’m still shocked though, that the reason he never wrote to us was so awful. He was just protecting us this whole time…”

The smile faded, and the mirth went out of Ezreal’s voice. His hands stilled in the soapy water, and he stared out the kitchen window. “I feel really guilty. You knew, you had his back even after everything that happened, when you should have been the most upset. But I didn’t even stand up for him at that band meeting… I knew Kayn wanted him out, and it really hurt my feelings when he said he didn’t want to talk to any of us… but I should have known him better than that. We all should have known there was some reason.”

Both of them stood in silence for a moment, before Ezreal reluctantly resumed washing, trying to break down the scum on a particularly crunchy bowl that looked like it had once held cheese dip… weeks and weeks ago.

“He did really f*ck up though,” Sett finally admitted, after gathering a bit of courage to speak it aloud. “It was okay that we were mad at him. He was trying to protect us, sure, but that doesn’t mean he didn’t also hurt us in the process. Ya shouldn’t feel guilty, Ez.”

Some of that was nearly verbatim from his psychologist; Sett had taken K’Sante’s advice seriously and had signed up for therapy, and had spent the last few sessions working through the fact that his desire to forgive Aphelios and get him back was so powerful, that he was often tempted to just sweep everything under the rug. But he’d been learning that true forgiveness—which was indeed what he wanted to give Phel—still required honest acknowledgement of the wrongs that had been done. It was still a process for the beast-man, but he felt a small sense of accomplishment that he could acknowledge Aphelios wasn’t perfect, and know it didn’t mean he loved him any less.

“Yeah…I guess. I just really miss him,” Ezreal confessed, looking forlorn for a second, before attacking the ancient cheese crust afresh.

“Me too, little buddy,” Sett agreed with a sympathetic hand on the singer’s shoulder. “But, uh… Ez… I think you guys are better off just buyin’ a new bowl. I think ya left that one a few months too long.”

“It hasn’t been months!”—Another concerted effort to break up the permanent scabs of dip—“Okay, to be fair, I think this bowl was one Kayn found under the bed, and neither of us could remember how it got there, or when, but I bet if I went over to your apartment right now, I’d find stuff like this too!”

“Worse, probably,” Sett conceded, taking the irredeemable dish from Ezreal with a chuckle and throwing it out. “But I’ll have you know, I recently tossed every single takeout container, ‘n that’s saying somethin’. My collection was growin’ for months, I think. But it was high time I got my sh*t together.”

“Proud of you, big buddy,” Ezreal mocked charmingly, ensuring his hand was wet and soapy when he reached to put it on Sett’s huge shoulder. “Are you gonna stay for dinner? Kayn’ll be back by then. He’s been complaining about losing his smoking buddy too.”

That got a hearty laugh from Sett, who missed the casual hangouts too if he was being honest with himself, but he was still struggling to get back on track, and now he had more motivation than ever. “Nah, I bet he’s gonna be pissed when you tell him I stopped by ‘n didn’t even wait for him. You can tell him he should be thankin’ me for helpin’ take care of his nasty ass dishes. But… I really wanna go home ‘n try to write to him… thanks for the advice, Ez. ‘Preciate it.”

Ezreal winked and cracked a joke about how rare it was for people to come to him for advice even though he had so much wisdom to offer, before sheepishly asking Sett to tell Aphelios ‘hi’ for him, if they did manage to make contact.

Everyone had been understanding when Alune had later explained in their group chat that Aphelios wanted to re-open communication but was hoping to connect with Sett first, given all that had happened. But it was clear: they all missed their friend dearly, and were eager for updates.

“I will, don’t you worry.”

“I’m really happy for you guys, though,” Ezreal said as he handed the last dish to Sett for drying. “You know how there are just people that make sense when they’re together? Like Yone and K’Sante. And the idea of them not being able to make it kinda makes you doubt that love exists? You and Phelio were like that, and hearing that he wanted to talk to you first, well… I have a feeling you guys are gonna work things out.”

Ezreal’s unbridled optimism was a little shocking to hear, especially after being lectured all morning by Alune on prudence and circ*mspection. It may not have been the picture of responsibility, but it was music to Sett’s ears, and he could not stop the grin that widened on his face upon hearing it.

🎵

Had the fanmail idea been goofy? Had he gotten the email wrong (despite checking it perhaps thirty times)? Or maybe… Sett had misunderstood, taken things too far… or Aphelios had simply changed his mind.

Or maybe, Sett just needed to be patient, and learn how to talk himself through these waits for an email reply. It hadn’t even been twenty-four hours, and for the beast-man to be freaking out this hard when he knew that between the time difference and Aphelios’ stringent schedule, there could be a thousand benign reasons why Phel hadn’t written back yet.

He was just too excited, and too stressed. Just like tonight as he tossed and turned, he hadn’t slept well yesterday after sending the email either, and had even re-opened his email to see if he could recall the message. Signing off as Sun Wolf was definitely taking it too far. He shouldn’t have done that.

He heaved a huge sigh, the sound seeming louder than it was in the bare room; his bachelor pad was devoid of decorations other than the fish tank, although now it was at least pretty clean. He just wanted Phel to know. Things hadn’t changed for him. In spite of everything that had been done to him and that he’d done back, this ardour in his heart hadn’t dimmed. Sett could understand why Alune hadn’t told her brother either, but that in itself made it sadder. Wouldn’t it have helped Aphelios to know that, to Sett at least, he was totally, utterly irreplaceable? That the loyalty Sett has promised him had been genuine?

The feeling—the resonance—that Sett had sensed on the mountaintop hadn’t dimmed either, some kind of intuition that felt his love being reciprocated, even if there wasn’t a shred of concrete fact to back that up. He could only imagine how much it would have meant to him to get some sign from Aphelios that confirmed it. If Aphelios had signed off with Moon Bunny, Sett would have probably howled at the stars with joy.

Sighing again and tossing and turning more, Sett reversed himself. No, Sun Wolf had been crazy. He needed to recall the message and replace it with something less… delusional. And pray that Aphelios had not already seen it.

He blinked as his pupils slit painfully in the bright light from his cell phone, the wallpaper was the sunny vista of morning on the mountaintop, a beautiful picture but it nearly blinded him in the dark. Blearily, he navigated to his email app, fully intending to figure out how to unsend his message from yesterday, when he felt his heart stop in his chest.

There, at the top of his inbox, having arrived just fifteen minutes ago, was an email from the address Aphelios had given him. It was nearly 4 a.m., but instantly Sett was wide awake, barely able to hear over the sound of his own pulse now thundering in his ears. Fifteen minutes ago. Phel had been thinking about him at the same time, writing back to him as, half a world away, Sett had been missing him. For the brief moment before he opened the message, the beast-man felt so incredibly close to his old lover, it could have brought him to his knees.

Dear ‘Sun Wolf,’

It is so wonderful to hear from you. Of course I would reply; I’m so grateful for the chance to speak to any fan again, as I spent a long time being sure that, because of my own actions, I had none left. More than anything—anything in my whole life—I have wished for the chance to apologize, and tell my fans how sorry I am.

I am so sorry for the things that I did and said, for my own weakness that led me to reveal I am so selfish. The fact that I have even been given the mercy of being able to apologize is more than I deserve, and I cannot get over the worry that it is more selfishness, because finally being able to say this has lifted such a weight from my heart.

I can only hope that some of my sincere words lift the same weight for you, that they can be redemption for the Heartsteel Aphelios that was once loved so well by his fans. Not for his sake, but so that they may be as a soft rain that falls on the smouldering ashes of what he so foolishly set ablaze. But perhaps, as he also hoped, this is already obsolete, and the current situation is much like how from some fires, the most beautiful new growth can be nourished.

Regardless; empty apologies are just the indulgence of selfish people, and I would like to promise, with my whole, deeply imperfect heart, that I will do whatever I need to, to make this right. Not to recover what he lost, but to do what I can to heal the wounds I left, and as much as I am able, never inflict them again.

If there is anything I can do, even if it is to finally let you close this door and live in peace, I promise I will do it.

Please be well.

Very truly,
Aphelios

Sett didn’t realize how tightly his throat was choked with a sob until it escaped, followed by a torrent. Gripping his phone with Aphelios’ words to him glowing like a beacon, the beast-man wept hard against Choncc’s fur. How much he would have liked to reply quickly, in case Aphelios was still online, but he could not stop weeping, and he wept until he was hoarse.

He hadn’t known how badly he’d wanted Aphelios to say sorry, until he’d read it and it felt like the most comforting, adoring hug, when he’d spent months touch-starved. Of course he’d already forgiven him, he’d already worked through his anger and seen what had laid underneath the tangled obfuscations that Phel had left behind before blocking him. He’d known that Aphelios hadn’t hurt him for the sake of it, or through any carelessness, but still, it surprised Sett how much he’d needed this apology. How much of a weight it had lifted just like Aphelios had prayed it would.

But a new heaviness was settling in; and Sett was grateful Alune had given him a sort of forewarning. He could tell, easily, from this letter and the way it had been written, that Aphelios still absolutely hated himself. When they’d dated, Sett had become intimately familiar with how Aphelios wrote his correspondence, things like texts or DM’s, and this was far more formal than he was used to.

Someone who knew Aphelios less well might have been thrown off-step by the difference, mistaking what seemed like sudden formality for distance. And, of course, there was distance there, still between them and as painful as an open wound. But the way Aphelios had replied reminded Sett a lot of the lyrics Phel would write for his own music, different from the more casual, accessible verses he wrote for Heartsteel. Aphelios had never kept a diary per se, but he’d had notebooks with pages dedicated to some of his deeper thoughts, things he was trying to process or puzzle through on his own. If anything, this email felt more like one of those pages than some kind of polite apology, standing on ceremony.

And when Sett re-read it again, and then a third time, he was struck by how Aphelios seemed to vacillate between first- and third-person, as if he was struggling with which version of himself he was now, which one Sett would see.

But Sett could only see the same man he loved, vivid, sublime; in incredible pain. And in his re-reads, it did not escape his attention that much of the hesitation he did feel from the letter seemed to come from Aphelios’ wariness of uprooting some new, beautiful life without him. He’d been here, agonizing over whether using their old, intimate nicknames would be too presumptuous, too forward—while Aphelios was imprisoned by so much doubt, he would suggest that what Sett might want was an apology and a goodbye.

That dumb idiot, Sett thought with a bitter smile, profuse tears falling again and blurring his vision as he clenched a fist over his chest, his heart was in such pain. With long distance correspondence like this where Sett could keep the letters and read them over and over, it was so easy to see it, but Vastayan was still at a loss for what he could and should do to get through to his sweetheart. Aphelios’ belief that he was unlovable was stark in those words, when it should have been so laughably obvious that his beast-man was still madly in love with him.

Was it wrong for Sett to still want to help Aphelios untangle that? To find out when this egregious lie masquerading as immutable truth had burrowed into Phel’s heart, and whispered its own sinister falsehoods like a distorted echo every time Sett had promised him he loved him with his whole heart. He knew he couldn’t do it for Aphelios, the young man would have to want to dig into the rotten earth of that secret grave, and willingly give whatever had left its poison there a proper burial.

But there was something new in this letter too, though it was entirely possible Sett was reading into it far too deeply. He sensed a willingness, in the heartbreaking sincerity of Phel’s promise to do whatever it took to make it right. He knew that the way he had been hurt in the past had cycled back around, and impelled him to self-sabotage, to hurt himself and others. If Aphelios was finally willing to confront that, then was it so bad for Sett to cheer him on, encouraging him and replacing those old whispered lies with the simple truths that Aphelios was loved? That he deserved to be loved?

…Sett would have to ask his therapist about that one, whether he was just being too eager to seize onto any vestige of the love he still craved so dearly.

If he was going to do this, he wanted to do it right. He’d almost never denied his impulses like this before and he certainly didn’t want Phel to think he’d left him hanging, but he committed to waiting till his next appointment with his psychologist, the day after tomorrow. Waiting might kill him. But he had to, he had to talk through the letter and his feelings, and make sure that what he wrote back gave them both the best possible chance at the happiness he knew was within reach.

🎵

dear phel,

of course i accept ur apology. it meant a lot for you to say sorry. but i need u to really hear this too, so read it as many times as u need. i forgive u.
i forgive u, phel.

i want u to know i mean that, that i been thinkin about this for months. i know u might be sayin to urself that i forgive too easily, that u dont deserve it, but ive really been thinkin over what happened. ive even been going to therapy, talkin about this stuff. and i still, i forgive u.

but i hear u too. i hear that u wanna fix this, n i wanna help u, if u want me to. i think u need to finally figure out why u think u dont deserve to be forgiven, why u think ur so selfish. especially when i know the truth (well, some of it) about what u took on to protect us.

so, not only as ur ‘fan,’ but as someone who can hopefully consider himself ur friend too, i wanna ask. it’s ok if u need time to give me an answer. but i wanna know, why? why do u think of urself like this? where does it come from, when ur fans cant see it at all?

maybe u’ll decide u cant give me an answer, or u dont want to. i’ll leave it up to u, phel.

i am well, im makin sure im takin care of myself.

sincerely,
a big confused sun wolf

No letter would ever feel perfect, but Sett reminded himself that it wasn’t up to him to find the perfect combination of words to solve this for Aphelios. That was also something he’d been working on. Aphelios had to be willing and able to do the messy work, too.

Still, he agonized over every little letter, wondering if he should keep up the ‘fan and rockstar’ schtick, if it was cheesy already. It felt like it provided them the perfect set of brakes though—instead of having to use labels like ex-boyfriend, they could fall back on this code, a little pressure release to help prevent things from getting too intense too fast. They still had a year to dissect everything, and ultimately Sett decided there was no harm in taking things out piece by piece instead of dumping it out all at once.

And, as much as Sett had wanted to fill the reply with encouragements and promises that he would be there to support Aphelios though such a hard time, (and boy, did he ever want to scream it in all caps that he was still desperately in love), he had to give himself permission to make his own demands as well.

This was a test for both of them, to see what kind of future they had the courage to build together.

🎵

Sett lasted a whole day before he began to be plagued by worries that he’d pushed too far, too fast. It would take a long time to deprogram himself from that fear, he had to make peace with the fact that it was entirely possible for Aphelios to go radio silent again, and if that happened, Sett owed it to himself to continue forging onward… whatever that meant.

Day two of waiting and he was sure this was a retreat, all too familiar from the days he’d dated Aphelios. Waves of frustration crested over him, that even after everything, it was still so hard for them to be different. He weathered them, reminding himself that Aphelios might not even have had the free time to check yet, or might need his time to write something back, as Sett had.

It took formidable willpower, but Sett kept his commitment to himself, and waited.

It took several days, but Sett soon found his maturity rewarded ten-fold. He began to receive lengthy letters from Aphelios regularly, the thoughtful missives waiting in his inbox as frequently as the new soldier was able to send them.

As the beast-man read each one diligently and replied to them even more carefully, comprehension began to settle in, and his forgiveness of Aphelios’ trespasses or ‘short-comings’ only deepened.

Sett would have called it a miracle that Aphelios was the gentle, kind, mischievous, creative, vulnerable man he was after what he’d been through, except Sett knew it was no miracle. It was only through Phel’s sheer strength and fundamental goodness that he’d still fought for his own life instead of becoming a mirror for the monstrosities he’d been nurtured in.

The man had survived hell.

🎵

Dear Big Confused Sun Wolf,

I had to take several attempts at drafting this reply to you, because so many of my early tries were me, wondering how it’s possible for you to forgive me. And then I realized, it speaks more to the kind of person you are than anything it says about me, but I also came to a new understanding. I have so many regrets and so much shame for the person I was, and if I want to grow out of him and fix his shortcomings like I promised I would, then I need to not respond as he would have.

So, I would like to thank you, with my whole heart, with my soul. Thank you for forgiving me. Thank you for offering to help me. I’m going to try my best to accept it. There may be times where I struggle to feel like I have any right to it, but I owe it to you to try.

I also want to try my very best to answer your questions. I owe you that, too. It might take me some time. I don’t know the answers yet myself.

I wish I’d had the courage to tell you these things back then, to be able to look into your eyes and show you how much I trusted you, to reward your patience and support. I feel guilty that this will likely turn into some kind of pathetic diary entry that I dump on you… telling you these things in an email when you deserved so much better.

Before that, though, I wanted to say I am so happy to hear you are taking care of yourself. If these emails or if talking to me ever interferes with that, please tell me, and I will respect the boundary. I will work on myself no matter what, please don’t feel like you have to do anything that hurts you or depletes you for my sake. Above all, I wish for your happiness.

I don’t know where to start when it comes to me, though. It all seems so hopelessly knotted. And I don’t believe that it’s as simple as finding the right piece of trauma that decodes it all. I often wonder if I was just born like this. I have been different since I can remember. Maybe sometimes it was even more obvious because my sister is so normal. So I’m not sure the answer to everything—about why I’m like this, or why I can only run away—isn’t just that this is how I was made.

But I’ve been thinking about that a lot too, especially when I was able to… be closer to my fans. I think telling myself that I was born this way is another way to run, or to be a coward. Because that absolves me of the responsibility to change it, and I cannot bear the idea that I spend the rest of my life being the kind of man who does these things, or feels this way.

You already know some of it, more than you think. You know that Alune is religious, and you know I’m not. The truth is that our parents are part of a very intense church, and we were raised in that from birth. I look at that church with a lot of shame. The rest of the world calls it a cult, and I would agree. Don’t worry, Alune isn’t in it anymore either, but she has more… tolerance for the ‘good’ parts, maybe it’s why she still gets along with our parents. There were no good parts for me.

Man… I really don’t know where to start. I don’t want to use too much time explaining the cult itself. Is that just me running away again? I’m sorry, I’m going to sleep on this, and trying to organize my thoughts. But I wish I didn’t have to keep you waiting.

…

I thought about it and it makes the most sense to start at the beginning, right?

The first thing I can remember is my hand hurting really bad and bleeding from the violin, when I was 4. I was never good at talking, but when my parents found out I was okay at music, they made me practice for hours. A four-year-old isn’t even going to get much value from trying to learn the violin, my hand was too small and I couldn’t hold the strings properly so it wouldn’t hurt. I don’t know why they had to start me on an instrument like that when I was so young. And when I asked them, they would always just say something like ‘look how good you are now, though!’ My life was just practicing music, because it was the only thing I could do right, and when I played for the church, everyone would say things like I was blessed by God. I know that made my parents very proud.

And I won’t lie that it made me really happy. Or, I guess you could say, when they were proud of me, I felt so relieved that I thought it was happiness. So I practiced a lot, I learned many instruments and learned how to sing. I was usually lead in the choir, and people would call me an angel. I know my parents loved that too. It also made it okay that I didn’t really speak, because everyone would just assume I was saving my voice for singing.

Music was the only thing I was better than Alune at, not that that was my intention. We were always very close, but there were also times when I was so jealous of her, or when our parents would compare us, or force her to try and make me more like her. I was most jealous that she seemed to have real faith, that she understood what everyone was talking about when they talked about God, or that she felt like there was a point to praying. I never felt anything. We no longer speak about it, but still to this day I don’t think either of us really understand how that worked out.

She was a really good sister though. I don’t think I would have survived without her, she took so much pressure off me, and it must have been so tiring having her dumb little brother who couldn’t speak incessantly follow her around. When we got old enough, they would send us out to hand out pamphlets and try to get strangers to come to the church. I hated that so much. And no matter how I tried, I couldn’t get the courage to speak to them, the few times I did I f*cked it up so badly I started crying, but Alune just got good enough at it for the both of us.

I guess I haven’t really gone into much detail, but maybe this can be a start. I don’t want to keep you waiting much longer, so I’ll think of how else I can explain things next time.

Please be well.
Aphelios

🎵

Dear Pissed-Off Sun Wolf,

I didn’t expect you to be quite this mad over what I told you, but it’s kind of refreshing. I’ve always had such a hard time getting angry over any of it, even when I think I should be. Sometimes I worry that if I started letting myself get angry, I would just be so full of rage it wouldn’t ever stop, I would just become a hateful person, and that scares me. But having someone get angry for me… that is something I was always so grateful for, when you would act like you were ready to fight the world on my behalf.

Don’t worry though, it’s not like I hate the violin, or can’t stand to play it. But maybe why I didn’t really enjoy it makes more sense, now.

Yes, it is that church. I’m honestly glad you Guugled it because I really didn’t want to have to explain them in depth, I have so little time to write these emails and read yours, and to be honest, so much of it was so f*cking dumb that I tried to delete it from my brain. But you’re right. It started causing me a lot of problems when they began to tell there was something ‘off’ about me. I know it’s humiliating for them that I’m gay. There was a lot they did to try and ‘correct’ that, they even blamed Alune for it, because they thought it was that I had been spending too much time with her that I wanted to do stuff like wear make-up or dresses, or cried a lot. That was probably the worst part of it, because they started pitting us against each other, and I know how hard it was on Alune that they suddenly withdrew their pride and approval of her.

There’s so much I wish I could apologize to her for, and we’ve both tried. She feels really guilty too, even though none of it was her fault.

And yes, I agree. I wondered a lot whether everyone was just pretending to believe in God, to hear His voice or receive visions and stuff from Him. The True Father guy thinking he was literally Jesus Christ was always so stupid to me, but no one else seemed to think that way. I also stopped asking questions about it… about anything. I remember one time, I asked my mom how she knew she’d had a dream from God, rather than just a normal dream. I remember how she looked at me and I knew I’d done something Different, something Wrong. So I stopped asking anything.

To answer your other question though, I don’t think there was ever a time I really had faith. But it wasn’t something I was happy about, or proud of, if that makes sense? I didn’t feel smart. I thought there was something broken in me. I was really scared that, because I was the only one who couldn’t feel it, that God was real and that I was going to go to Hell because of that brokenness.

This reminds me of an example of what I mean. When my grandma was really sick and dying, my dad told me I had to pray for her, and that if I prayed hard enough, she would get better. I did pray, I prayed for hours and hours as hard as I could. When she died, I thought it was because God had been able to tell that there was still that grain of insincerity in my prayers. That it was my fault Halmoni hadn’t been saved.

…Writing that out, maybe that’s where a lot of this guilt comes from, the fear of not being perfect enough…

It’s really hard to think about.

She hated me though, my grandmother. When my dad and mom’s marriage was arranged, no one could really say anything because that would have been contradicting the True Father, but I know that my granmother thought my mom was shameful, and that her family had a lot of sin in its bloodline because of Aunt Diana. So she wasn’t happy when they got matched together. Then, can you imagine? My mom gives birth to twins, and one of them is me? I grow up and I can’t talk, I can’t hear God, I start acting ‘off’... My grandmother used to say that the same evil that was in Diana was in me. Sometimes it makes me feel bad for my mom.

But, here’s my ultimate confession. Don’t tell anyone, okay? Not even Alune knows.

When my grandmother died, I was really scared. I was scared God would tell my dad it was because I didn’t pray well enough, but… I wasn’t sad. I wasn’t sad at all when my grandmother died. I don’t think she was a very good person.

Alune loved her though, and I know she still misses her sometimes. I only felt bad when I saw Alune crying for her, but that was because I love my sister.

I still can’t bring myself to feel truly guilty over not grieving her. I felt worse for myself. This is the ugliest part of me. I’m going to send this email before I can second-guess myself and take it out. You’ve already seen what an ugly person I’m capable of being, anyway.

I’m sorry.

Please be well,
Aphelios.

🎵

Dear Irate Sun Wolf,

I wonder if you’re going to have to break out the thesaurus to start finding other synonyms for angry. Irate is a pretty good one, I’m not sure how you’re going to top it.

I don’t want you to feel bad for me, though. I know everyone always says that, but I mean it. I can’t put it into words. Especially after everything that’s happened, just please… don’t feel this bad for me. None of what ever happened to me was a good enough reason for what I did.

I feel like I’ve been talking about myself for weeks. Can we take a break? I would love to hear about how you’ve been doing, what kind of things you’ve been up to. IF you feel like telling me. I’ve also been thinking that I should really reach out to everyone else. I owe them so many apologies, too. Even though I’m still in the middle of what I would consider my apology to you.

But yes, it is pretty funny how similar Aunt Diana and I ended up being. I can’t really say that my grandmother was entirely wrong about there being something sinful in our bloodline. 🤭

Please be well, Big, Confused, Pissed-Off, Irate Sun Wolf.
Aphelios

🎵

Dear Just Vibin’ Sun Wolf,

I’m so glad to hear that you’re doing well, and that your mother is doing well, too. Please tell her I say ‘hello’ back.

That’s incredible news about Yone and K’Sante! Yone already got back to me, Ezreal too. But Yone told me about it as well, he said they’re hoping they’ll be matched with a kid within a year. That’s quite the big change, but I guess it makes sense… if they moved out of the Heartsteel house, maybe they grew to miss the feeling of having children to take care of, so now they want to adopt one of their own 😜 How are you feeling about being Uncle Sett? For what it’s worth, I think you will be amazing at it.

Also, I don’t want to assume you would, but please don’t say anything to Kayn or K’Sante. If they need time before they want to talk, or if they decide not to answer, that’s okay. I understand. I’m already more lucky than I deserve, that Ez and Yone replied so quickly, and that you were willing to talk to me at all.

How about you though, speaking about living alone? I was a little surprised to hear that, but in fairness, Kayn and Ezreal could certainly be annoying. It might have been necessary for some peace and quiet. But I hope you don’t get too lonely.

And glad to hear about the fish. It’s okay Flamey died. Sometimes fish just die, all of a sudden. I’m sure it wasn’t your fault, there could have been a hundred different reasons for it, please don’t blame yourself. The fact that the other six are still alive is proof you are a great fish dad. If you ever need any advice, I’d be happy to help, but you could also text Aunt Diana. Trust me, she would not think it was weird at all, and she is probably the closest thing on the planet to being a fish wizard. She’d love to be able to give you her expertise.

I’ve also been meaning to tell you how good of a job you guys did on Eclipse. Your singing was wonderful, it made the song. (Don’t tell the others I said that.) I really liked your lyrics. You really did great work on it. Congratulations 🤗

I’m really sorry this email is shorter than it should be. I wanted to let you know I won’t be online for a few weeks, we’re doing some drills in a remote location. Nothing dangerous, but I won’t be able to bring my phone. I’ll let you know when I’m back, once I can. I really enjoy reading your emails, Sun Wolf.

Please be well,
Aphelios

🎵

Dear Patient Sun Wolf,

I’m back, safe and sound. Just tired. Thankfully, a lot of it was quiet because we were in nature, but on the way there, this one guy wouldn’t shut up. I don’t even remember what he was talking about, it was crap like about how bad he wanted to get laid or how much he missed his girlfriend. Understandable, but for two hours the dude barely took a breath. I guess that would be my answer now, that not being able to control when I can go somewhere quiet and not being able to really react when it gets too much for me has been the hardest part of this. All in all, I’m still lucky. If this is the worst of my problems during enlistment then maybe I’ll start believing in God and thank Him, because I was so f*cking scared when they assigned me to this unit as a sniper. If I never have to aim at another human being, then I will consider myself the luckiest man on the planet.

It means a lot to me that you’re worried about me, though. But please don’t be, I’m alright. I don’t know if I want to send you pictures though, haha. I look… so different now. Alune probably told you. She makes a HUGE deal out of it every time she sees me. I honestly don’t think you would recognize me. I don’t recognize myself. I don’t really like the changes.

I read what you wrote several times, and I think you’re probably right. You are definitely right about Diana. I’m sorry I never explained all of that; explaining how we came to live with her would have required explaining the rest of it and it just felt like too much.

I guess one relevant thing to know is that the True Father guy died in 2012, and it was a huge deal, the church split and a lot of people just left. So things were in a lot of upheaval right around the time I was going through puberty, and it was just a LOT. I don’t really know the details but my parents were in tons of debt because of tithing, and they were talking about having to sell the house and move into an apartment, or even about moving into one of the compounds the church owned.

I know this sounds stupid, but the fact that I had my own room in that house meant a lot to me (although, here’s another secret. I used to be SO scared of the dark, and for the first year or so we lived in that new house and I had my own room, I cried and screamed a lot at night because I was so afraid. Isn’t that sad?) Anyway, when my parents started talking about having to downsize, I felt something in me start shutting down. Maybe it made me an entitled brat, but I just couldn’t stand the thought of even less privacy, when so much of my life was devoted to the church already, to singing songs and playing music I felt no connection to, and I already felt like my parents and God were spying in my head all the time.

Around then is when Aunt Diana visited, I don’t know if it was just a coincidence or my mom had told her about the troubles. Diana wouldn’t have cared about the strife within the church, but it’s possible she would have tried to support my mom if there were bad money issues. I’m not sure. Diana doesn’t really talk about that stuff either, another way we are a lot alike, so I’m not sure why she visited then, but I’d only met her once before, that I remembered. But when she came, it was like she could see through me too, but in a good way. Pretty soon after she arrived, she took me aside and said, point blank, ‘you hate this, don’t you? You’re miserable.’

At first, I said nothing because I thought it might be a trap my dad had somehow put her up to, to get me to confess or something. But when I watched how she talked with my parents and how boldly she told them both to get out of that stupid church and take care of their kids properly, I began feeling really safe with her. We honestly never talked much, but I could just tell we were similar, that she got me on a level my parents had mostly refused to acknowledge. The day before she left, she told me that if I ever needed a safe place to stay away from all of that, I could come live with her.

Obviously, at first I was too shocked to even understand what she was offering. I didn’t think she was allowed to even say something like that. But after she left, I thought about her offer every single day, I fantasized about it. There was a lot more that went on, but eventually I screwed up the courage to tell Alune, and ask her if she would ever come with me. She said no, and she was disgusted with me for suggesting it.

I guess I should explain a little more about my relationship with her when we were in the church, because it was very different from the one we have now. Like I said, Alune and I were always close, we’ve always loved each other. But it can be complicated when you’re that different, and when adults get involved. We were around 10 when my family realized I was gay, and Alune started getting blamed for doing things like sharing her dresses with me or borrowing my mother’s make-up and putting it on with me.

It caused her so much pain, for my parents to suddenly place such blame on her, when previously they’d only praised her, and held her up as an example of what a good child should be like. Also, for the record, she was a good child, she deserved that praise. Of course we both had times where we got in trouble, but I mean in the bigger picture, where it had always been her brother that was the sinful, weird, deficient one, I think it really confused her when they suddenly turned on her.

So I think that’s why we had this period of time where she… hmm, I don’t know how to phrase this nicely, and I don’t want to embarrass her. But it’s important context…

I guess you could say she had this period of time where she was really trying to emulate our mother, who never stopped trying to gain the approval of my dad’s mom, so it was just one big messed-up cycle. Alune would lecture me a lot, and before when she would just let me do my own thing, even when it meant more work for her to compensate, at this time, she was getting mad at me often, saying the things my parents or my grandma said and telling me I had to be better.

Anyway, eventually that phase passed, and I was so thankful to have my sister back that I just didn’t want to do anything to rock the boat; either something that would get her in that much trouble again, or, if I’m being honest, might put that kind of wedge between us again. But I was about 15 at the time Diana visited, and something in me just started knowing that I wouldn’t survive if I stayed. Also, it’s worth noting that my parents were fully intending for us to have arranged marriages like they’d had, so I guess in a very practical sense beyond the notion of survival, I knew I had to get out before that could happen.

That’s why I was devastated when Alune said she would never leave, and that Aunt Diana was Satan, whispering those things to me and plotting. I was terrified she was going to tell our parents, but for some reason, she didn’t. But you have to understand, it wasn’t bad for Alune in the same way it was bad for me. She still enjoys visiting with them, she keeps in contact with them. I didn’t blame her for not wanting to leave then, and I don’t now.

But I did leave, as you know. One day I just couldn’t take it anymore, and I emailed Diana and asked her if I could still come. She said yes, she booked the ticket for me, she told me what documents I would need to fly, and I went about getting everything I needed and… I just ran away.

I left a big letter for Alune, explaining where I’d gone, but I can only imagine what that must have felt like for her, and I still feel guilty over doing that to her. I don’t know if that’s any consolation, though. That I was capable of abandoning her, too.

We went for about two months without talking at all to each other, my parents would call Diana on a daily basis and scream at her for helping me humiliate them, they threatened that they would charge her with kidnapping, but they never did. But the worst part was that even they couldn’t force Alune on the phone to talk to me, she was that upset with me. That was the period of time when I questioned myself the most, if I had done something I could live with, or if I should just go back and be part of the church I hated, if it meant having my sister back.

Eventually we did start talking a little, she spent a long time trying to convince me to come back, but I just couldn’t. Life with Aunt Diana wasn’t magically splendid by any stretch, I think I yearned a lot for some kind of support after such a big change, and… as you know, she’s not a big talker like that. But she literally saved my life.

She gave me a safe, reliable place to stay, and left me to my own devices, and didn’t force me to do much of anything, except eventually go to school. It was really hard, and she probably let me play a little too many computer games for it to be healthy, but I was so happy to be out of that f*cking church and away from my parents, that most of the time it might as well have been paradise. She’s also the one who took me to get my assessment. It was kind of nice to be told by a medical professional my bloodline didn’t harbour evil, just autism.

But finally, I think it was about six months, Alune ran away too. It was a huge surprise, Diana only told me the day before she was flying. I really cannot overstate how embarrassing it was for our parents that we left like that, and I’ll be honest that for a while I dreaded that they would come in person to take us back, or make good on their threats to involve the authorities, and I was always a little shocked they never did. Maybe it was that Alune was checking in with them regularly, and saying stuff like we were both still praying and spreading the faith there in the U.S. More likely, I think they were just dealing with so much, and suddenly not having to financially support two children might have been a pretty big relief for them. I don’t know.

One thing I’ve always thought was weird is how grateful I am that they did give up on me so quickly, so easily, while also being pretty hurt by it. It makes no sense to me.

But, truly, I was so much happier, I didn’t care what the reason was. All I could think about was how I’d finally gotten to see Alune again, how much it meant that she loved me more than she loved the church. She’s such an amazing sister, I’ll never forget what she’s done for me.

Wow, this is a novel. I’m so sorry. But, in summary, and to answer your observation; yes, Aunt Diana and I really are cut from the same cloth. Even if we’re not close emotionally, I think we fundamentally understand each other in the ways that count. And I think it’s that similarity that is the reason she stuck her neck out so far for me, and let me live the life I had in America, for a while.

I’ve talked your proverbial ear off. I hope things at least make a little more sense now, I know that Alune once told you I’d come over to the U.S. alone, and that you felt lied to by me. It wasn’t an intentional, malicious lie. Just another thing I didn’t know how to explain properly, without getting into all of it.

I am still sorry for that.

Please be well,
Aphelios

🎵

“God, he’s still such a doofus,” Alune sighed, tossing some peas in the pond for the ducks. Sitting on this bench and discussing Aphelios was becoming somewhat routine for her and Sett, and the Vastayan had come to really look forward to these park outings, with the peas, the ducks, and the sunshine. “He’s still trying to protect me.”

“What do you mean?” Sett had updated her on the most recent email he’d received from Aphelios, just as he’d shared the other emails over the couple past months with Alune. It was her life too, but it was only just occurring to Sett that his ex-boyfriend might still be skirting truths, omitting.

…That was okay, Sett realized, surprised at himself. Because it was clear that Aphelios was really trying, and really opening up as best he could. It was okay that it was a work in progress.

“He left out the worst part, because I did it. He probably didn’t want you to think badly of me.”

“I’m not followin’,” Sett said honestly, wondering just how much worse it could be, considering the religious and emotional abuse Aphelios had described was already pretty f*cking bad.

“You never asked how he got that deep scar in his eyebrow?”

Birds chirped around them, and dappled summer sunlight was scattered across the pond, the beautiful day also enjoyed by several couples picnicking by the pond.

“I mean… I did ask,” Sett confirmed hesitantly, wondering where this could be going.

One thing that had been conspicuous in its absence from Aphelios’ descriptions was physical abuse, and given how the twins’ parents had been huge pieces of sh*t, Sett hated to frame it this way, but it was a little surprising. His own mom had occasionally smacked him with her slipper, though if anything, a smack had been what he needed to smarten up.

“What did he say?” Alune’s tone wasn’t especially sombre, even given the subject matter, so Sett assumed she, too, had made some sort of peace with whatever had happened to them in their childhood.

“He just said it was an accident, and didn’t really elaborate.”

“I did it to him,” Alune corrected matter-of-factly. “I know he has long forgiven me, but it makes me want to yank his big ears that he’s still trying to protect me too. Especially with you, now that you understand a lot more.”

“What do you mean?” For the life of him, Sett couldn’t figure out what Alune could possibly be referring to. She’d had a part in this? Even if that was true, she’d been a kid, groomed and brain-washed as badly as Aphelios, just in a different way.

“I remember that time pretty well, what he was describing about me getting in trouble for making him ‘too girly.’ It was the first time Halmoni got really upset with me, and it scared me. I think we were 11? Halmoni was over all the time, and was always fighting with Omma, and I could usually make them calm down… you know, by asking them to listen to me practicing singing, or making some other distraction. But there was this one day where Halmoni was really ripping into Omma, telling her she was raising an evil child, that she needed to be doing more with Aphelios so he wouldn’t have Satan’s influence, bullsh*t like that. And Omma was trying to defend herself and Phel… I just wanted them to stop fighting but that day the distractions didn’t work, and Halmoni scolded me really meanly out of nowhere, and pinched me.

“I got so scared and so upset I went to go find Aphelios, to try and fix him or something, I don’t know. He was sitting near his desk, practicing a little on the violin. He was minding his own business but I was so mad at him, mad at him for getting me in trouble, and so I walked up to him screeching at him over this, that, and the other, and as I was yelling, I pushed him. He was on one of those rolling desk chairs, and he lost his balance and the chair slid out from under him really fast, and he smacked his face off the edge of his desk.”

For a moment Alune was silent, staring out into the sunlit pond with a distant, bitter expression, before she rocketed a handful of peas into a gaggle of ducks that quacked softly in protest.

“That’s where that scar comes from. He bled everywhere, he needed stitches too. Ten, if memory serves. He has that scar because I pushed him and screamed at him, and blamed him for how much trouble I was in and for how everyone was always fighting.

“And you want to know the most insane part?” Alune turned to Sett, looking him dead in the eyes. “He comforted me. I started crying, because I felt so bad for what I’d just done, and because I knew we’d be in even more trouble. But I couldn’t believe I’d hurt my little baby brother like that, and so I was wailing. He was the one with blood gushing from his head, and he comforted me.”

Immediately, Sett felt his throat tighten and his nose itch. In an instant, his heart broke all over again, for those two poor kids who had ever had to go through this. And for Phel’s exceeding gentleness, in the face of it all.

“That really wasn’t your fault though, Lunie.” Sett cleared his throat, and laid a huge hand softly on her shoulder. “Kids shove each other all the time, I got this scar on my nose from another kid 'n we were only thirteen. And Phel knew why you were upset, ‘n he wouldn't have held it against ya. It’s your sh*t ass parents and halmoni that were the f*ckin’ problem.”

“True,” Alune agreed somewhat readily, also surprising. Overall, though, Sett could not help but notice that she seemed to have a better perspective on it all, or had possibly come out on the other side with less… damage.

Whether that was due to how differently they’d been treated, the fact that Aphelios was far more sensitive, the strength of her faith, or all of the above, it was impossible to say.

“There’s something else he didn’t put in, but it’s because he doesn’t know though,” she continued. “Is it okay if I confess it to you?”

Taken aback, Sett nodded nonetheless. His tail twitched restlessly on the bench beside him, revealing his agitation, and his excitement.

No, excitement was a really bad word for this— excited about learning some of the worst emotional abuse and neglect he’d ever heard of? Not excited for that… but he had to admit he was excited to finally be let in like this. So much of what he’d had to guess at was finally coming into focus, and the immense, unprecedented trust both twins had in him was evident.

“I didn’t come to America of my own free will,” Alune admitted. “I’m so glad he thinks I came because I missed him too much. That’s not a lie, either. I hated being without him, but I was too furious at him to have been able to say I missed him. I was so mad at him for leaving me like that, when it was always supposed to be us together.

“After I accidentally gave him that scar, we got so much closer. I suddenly saw my role so clearly, that he needed a big sister who stood up for him. So what if we got in trouble? We got in trouble together. I knew he wasn’t evil, and from that day on, I grew a pair and fought back any time someone said something bad about him. I still shared my dresses with him, and if someone gave me something nice like hair clips or candies or perfume, I’d always give him half. So we became thick as thieves, like us against everyone else. And I thought it was enough, that’s why when he actually left me like that, it hurt me so badly.

“But it was Omma and Appa who sent me to America. They told me to convince him and bring him back to Korea and to the church, and so I agreed to go as a sort of like… holy mission. Of course, he’s the most stubborn person I’ve ever met when it really comes down to something he’s committed to, and so it was pointless. He ended up softening me, helping me realize just how messed up things had been. But more importantly, I realized he had the chance to be happy here, and I wanted to be a part of that. He told me he would rather die than go back, and I knew it was true.

“The kicker is that I think Omma especially knew I would end up staying here, too. Phel is probably right that some of it had to do with how bad things were financially at the time, but I really think they also wanted me to stay with him, and keep him safe. They knew he needed me.”

“That’s…” Sett was at a loss for words. “That’s messed up,” he finished inadequately.

“Yeah it is, isn’t it,” Alune said, again, her tone again not especially grave. It was more like she was agreeing with a statement of fact, naturally. “I know it’s really different for me. I actually had a pretty good childhood at times, there’s lots I’m nostalgic for. Our parents were often really kind to me, and Halmoni spoiled me really bad. So I know I don’t know all the ways they hurt him, I can’t fathom the scars they left. But it’s messed up because I also know for a fact that they love him in spite of that, and always have, even when that’s what they did to him. It would feel so much… cleaner? If we could both just call them evil. It probably would have been easier in some ways if they beat him, but they never hit us. They just hurt with their words or by withdrawing their love, and I think for Phel, that was far more conflicting.

“But they were really worried about him here, nearly by himself, in a new country. Because, let’s be real, I love Auntie, but she was gone a lot, and when she was home, she wasn’t our parent. She was more like… an adult we lived with. If we’d been more prone to trouble, we could have gotten into some serious, serious sh*t. Basically no curfew, cooking for ourselves, getting ourselves to school a lot of the time. Phel probably would have perished of malnourishment because I think that boy made himself instant ramyeon four out of every five meals until I came along and cooked proper food for him.”

There was a moment where Sett just looked at Alune, saying nothing, watching her as she gazed at some of the greedier ducks approaching. Finally, he gathered his thoughts, and spoke.

“I think you’re a really great big sister, Alune. And I know Phel absolutely adores you. Sounds like you still feel a little guilty over some of the sh*t that happened, but you were goin’ through it too. I think you should be proud of how ya stepped up for him, ‘n you’ve been there for him ever since. Both of you are pretty incredible for what you’ve been able to overcome.I had no idea any of it was this bad.”

“Hmm,” she co*cked her head to the side, looking like she might protest, reminding the Vastayan intensely of her twin in that moment, until she brightened suddenly, and smiled at him. “You know what, you’re right, Sett. And don’t worry, I do feel bad sometimes, but overall, I am proud of both of us too, and most importantly, I’m so happy I get to be his sister. And even the scar isn’t a big deal anymore, he’s made jokes about it and stuff. But I guess these emails are bringing me back to those memories, too.”

Sett shifted a little, turning to face her more. “How are ya doin’ with all this, by the way? I mean, you must miss him real bad, ‘n if he’s revisitin’ a lotta unhappy times for the both of you, this must be tough.”

Alune smiled at him again, gentler this time. “It is a little. But you really help, and I’ve been telling Soraka a lot more about it too, and she’s been helping as well. Honestly though, I’m alright. It really isn’t as hard for me as it is for Phel, it just never has been. I’m glad he’s finally able to confront some of this, and work through it.”

Sett grunted in agreement and returned the smile, but his heart ached. Sometimes—often, really—he was overwhelmed by how bad he wanted to hold Aphelios and comfort him. He couldn’t really wrap his mind around what it would be like to be effectively trapped back in the country you’d escaped from, in the army as a sniper when you were almost pathologically gentle, revisiting your severe childhood trauma on top of it all, alone.

The only indication that this was still a good idea was that Aphelios himself seemed to be getting a lot out of their email exchanges; maybe ultimately, it was easier for him to be able to write this all out instead of having to find the words to say aloud. Sett was okay with that, he’d always been okay with that. But he couldn’t help but worry, for both of the twins.

“Oh, you looove him,” Alune teased suddenly beside him, a mischievous music in her voice. “You just got the fondest look on your little face. Good lord, like… I love my brother a lot, but he’s just a guy. You’ve been acting for years like he hung the moon.”

“Quit it!” Sett griped, playfully pushing Alune away from peering into his lovesick face. “You really are a ball buster, goddamn. Shouldn’t you be happy your bro has someone who cares about him like this?”

“I never said I wasn’t happy.” The grin widened. “In fact, I think you’re pretty great. I think you’re perfect for him.”

Sett’s heart had long been pierced through by Cupid’s arrow, but that remark from Alune after almost a year of all of the other things that had been said, felt like it pierced it afresh.

“Lunie…”

“I know. I don’t want to get ahead of myself, either. Neither of you have said anything about how you feel about each other yet, right?”

Sett shook his head. Pretty much every email he sent back he struggled with the impulse to include ‘by the way, I’m still madly in love with you,’ but he’d firmly decided, if he was ever going to say those words to Aphelios again, they would be in person.

“Well, I’m glad you guys are taking it slow. I know I really lectured you when I first gave you his email, but I’m just so happy for him. This has been so good for him. You’re good for him. This has been good for you too, I think. I’m really rooting for you guys now.”

Sett could not have agreed more, and abruptly, he seized her into a rough bear hug, crushing her tightly to him even as she made squeaks of protest. “Thank you, Lunie. Been waitin’ to hear somethin’ like that from you for a while. I’m glad you don’t think this is all a mistake—”

Interrupted by a loud quack, Sett looked down and saw that his sudden embrace had caused the bag of peas to tip over, and the little rivulet of treats had immediately incited a feeding frenzy.

“Oh god, they would eat us alive if they thought there was the smallest chance we were a pea,” Alune laughed, straightening herself out and dumping the few straggler peas out of the bag before looking for a way to escape. “Wanna grab some sodas and head back?”

The grinning beast-man helped Alune on her feet, assisting her as she gingerly tip-toed around the waterfowl in maniac mode around her ankles. Even in the moment, Sett had awareness of how special these memories would be.

“Sounds great. And shall we say, same time next week? Even if Phel hasn’t been able to write back. Don’t wanna risk the duckies starvin’ to death or maybe developing a taste for human flesh.”

“I’m down,” Alune beamed back at him. “I’d really like that.”

🎵

Dear Pondering Sun Wolf,

I can’t believe it’s winter already. It’s gotten a lot colder here too, they have us running these drills and I am nearly certain their purpose is to make us forget what it feels like to be warm. I don’t have many strong feelings about what exercises we do, because I’ll take exercises over combat any day, but even I’m getting pretty tired of these. Thanks for bringing up that trip to Iceland 🙄 the way I would sell my soul for five minutes in one of those hot springs again right now…

You should just crash Kayn and Ez’s trip to Aspen, actually. Kayn was telling me they’ve booked a nice cabin all to themselves, and he’s going to practice his snowboarding. I’m sure there would be a really nice spa and some hot tubs to dispel the winter chill… wouldn’t it be a shame if someone invited themselves on a private trip, after all the private trips those two have included themselves on…

I loved hearing about you helping K’Sante pick out cribs, the lion themed one you guys went with was perfect. K’Sante has been sending me photos of the nursery progress almost every day, he’s in such full Dad Mode already. Whichever kid they end up matching with is going to be spoiled rotten. If the adoption goes through before I can come back, may I ask for a photo of Uncle Sett and the baby? I know between Yone and K’Sante I will probably hit the email storage maximum for photos, but I would really like to see that.

Speaking of photos, Sun Wolf, I was also wondering. Did you see the latest photoshoot Heartsteel Sett did for Guuci? Doesn’t he look great? I’m sure as a #1 Heartsteel fan, you will agree. Someone should really tell him that the long hair suits him very well.

I don’t mind at all that you’re going through my old MeTV videos. I’m kind of glad that they’re not just totally forgotten. Of course some of it is cringe, but some of those old songs meant a lot to me. It’s kind of like… I left a snapshot of such a pivotal moment in my identity. Maybe it’s funny, considering how excessively private I can be, that I was basically working through my toxic relationship with music on such a popular channel, in the public eye.

I’m not surprised you caught onto that. 💙 I wish I’d had more patience and I hadn’t been so desperate to rush it. I would still be able to sing if I hadn’t tried so hard to reclaim my voice. I didn’t know how to safely sing the new styles I wanted to learn, and I just spent hours pushing through. The views made me feel good too, cause it was like finally, I could be free from that “Blessed by God” “Voice of an Angel” choirboy identity that felt so… fraudulent. I just wanted to finally sing for myself. I haven’t watched a lot of them in years because they make me feel so much regret, but I remember A Bird really well. Of course I do.

You’re right that A Bird was the last song I ever really sang before surgery. After that I think I started uploading instrumentals with no explanation. But my throat was on fire in that video and I was so frustrated with myself, because I could hear how different my voice sounded, I could feel how hard it was to get to certain registers, and I just felt so betrayed. A part of me really wondered if I had been given a beautiful voice only so I could sing hymns in a choir, and as soon as God saw me using it for my own selfish purposes, He took it away. A lot of the lyrics were me begging Him to heal me, with the bitterness of knowing He wouldn’t.

I just couldn’t get over growing up and being taught my whole life that there was this deity that could perform miracles, that Jesus’s blood could heal me and that as a good Christian, that was supposed to be my reward. Not even a reward, but just… a sort of covenant. I felt like I had given up everything, and I had worked so hard to hide the evil parts of me. So I wanted to be cleansed and healed too. I lived purely for fifteen years, but I always knew… I always had this dread that because God is all-seeing, He could see that I was a fake, that my thoughts were filled with doubt, and sadness, and hopelessness, and that nothing I did would ever be good enough for true salvation.

“Love me, or hate me, teach me how to feel you.” I wrote that lyric because that was what I wanted, more than anything. Even if I was born with “Satan’s evil” in me, even if God thought I was a sinner, I thought that if He could just show me He existed in some way that I could feel… I would have worked so hard for redemption. I would have given everything I had. But I never felt anything. Just judgement.

That song has a duality. It’s written by the child I once was, praying on bruised knees to be accepted into the flock, to learn how to be good enough, how to be faithful. It was also written by the man I became, the man who realized I could beg for my voice to be healed and offer anything and everything as sacrifice, and it would not be, because the God I was beseeching did not exist.

I think there might be something, though. Something More, I mean. I’m not sure. But I really feel it when I think of the people around me, in my life. I feel it with animals too, and often with music. But my sister... Kayn, Ezreal, K’Sante, Yone… you. The love I got to share with the six of you is the closest I’ve come to experiencing faith.

I’ve been really thinking about that. After all these months of writing back and forth, I think I can finally put it into words, and I am so appreciative that you have helped guide me to this understanding.

I knew you all loved me. At first, of course, I doubted that, but I think by the time we released Paranoia, I knew that all of you really loved me. That was never the issue. The issue was that I didn’t know how to receive that kind of love, not only what I had to do to deserve it, but also how to accept it and not feel so overwhelmed by it, almost destroyed by it. I didn’t know how to receive love that was contingent on perfection. And so when I was clearly not perfect, especially when I had f*cked up so badly by lying about my enlistment, I just truly did not know what to do.

It felt like all I could do was throw a bomb into it, and I did.

And somehow, even after that, still all six of you are telling me you accept me.

I’m trying to figure out what that means, too.

Let me explain something from a while back, because it’s what helped me understand my own fear.

Do you remember when we were on tour for the first time, and we got into a huge fight over seeing my parents? I’m sure now that I’ve explained, you might be saying ‘of course I understand why he wouldn’t have wanted to visit them.’ But I realized that there was a much deeper fear, beyond just not wanting to see the people who had hurt me, or might try to rope me back into their cult again.

I wasn’t entirely sure of who I was yet. I think I know now how many masks I had to wear, and why I had to wear them, sometimes purely to survive. The choirboy mask, the faithful son mask, the obedient student mask, the “normal person” mask. So many factors made it essential I learn how to blend in, but Heartsteel brought something out of me that I thought might be the real me.

It was so hard to figure out; as the saying goes, when you wear masks long enough, they can fuse to you, you can no longer take them off. But the person I was, especially around you when we were alone, I didn’t have to think about how to be him. I could lose myself in the moment, and be happy.

But I was so filled with self-doubt that I wondered if even that was yet another mask, albeit, the one I liked the best. I realized that this version of myself still felt so tenuous, like a naked baby bird that had fallen out of the nest, but still capable of flight i given time. I was so scared that if I saw my parents at that fledgling stage, I would regress, the mask I needed around them would snap back in place, and my wings would be broken.

Most importantly, I was terrified that you and everyone else would see how fake I was capable of being, and you would reject me.

I think this is what ultimately led to me doing what I did, to you, to everyone. I didn’t even have control over it; the moment I got that enlistment letter, I felt an old mask take over, and I knew it would only get worse once I had to leave. Not only was I sure that you would find that offensive, but that you and I would both realize that the person you had fallen in love with once was another one of these disposable masks, designed to appeal to you because I needed you so badly. And I convinced myself it was only a mask because I ‘knew’ that the “real me” was imperfect, difficult, and repulsive. There was no way that anyone could truly love someone like that.

I’m sorry for bringing this up again, but I promised that I would stop keeping secrets, and I think ultimately, you deserve to have me explain. But that’s why I broke up with you.

I meant what I said, about not wanting to hold you back, about wanting you to be happy, but that’s only half of it. The full reality would be, I didn’t want to hold you back, because I was sure I had tricked you, and made you fall in love with another mask, and you were about to see it fall. I didn’t want you to be trapped. And, most essentially of all, I was sure that you would be disgusted by the glimpses of the “real me” you saw, and I was not brave enough to endure you realizing that I was unlovable after all.

So I made myself impossible to love, intentionally. I put on another mask, and if you hated me, then I could bear it because it was just another disguise that you despised.

It’s kind of funny, because I can remember a conversation I had with Alune, years back. I don’t know if you’ll remember, but it was that day I was sick in bed, and you brought me fruit that you’d peeled, to try and help me feel better. Earlier that afternoon, I’d told Alune that my worst fear was that I would give into the feelings I had, only to sabotage it all and take Heartsteel down with me. I was very nearly right. But there’s been something sort of liberating about confronting one of my worst fears, I set a fire that nearly burned it all down, only to discover that, despite my best efforts, I couldn’t burn it all.

You all saw me at my ugliest, my most selfish, my most vulnerable—a hideous, naked baby bird incapable of flight or song, just a dead weight liability—and still, each of you decided in your own ways that I was not impossible to love.

I still struggle with believing I deserve forgiveness, a second chance, love. Sometimes, I think I don’t deserve to be happy, or that I simply can’t be. But these letters have helped me see for the first time that that might not be the truth… that might be simply an old mask I’m looking at, distorting my field of vision… a mask that fooled me more than it fooled anyone else.

I would really like to explore that feeling of faith, the one that comes from being with the people I care about the most. Because I don’t think I can argue my way out of this mindset with pure logic or rationality. I need to take a leap of faith and accept that even if I don’t understand why anyone still speaks to me, they do, and that six of the most amazing people I’ve ever met can’t all be delusional or stupid. I think you all saw the real me, you and Alune most of all, and you decided he was worthwhile.

I wanted to let you know that I’m following your excellent example, and looking for therapists. I want to figure out how to let go of all these masks, especially the ones that blind me. I’ve narrowed it down to a few, but there’s one psychologist in particular who has a lot of experience with cult and high control organization recovery, and I signed up to be on her waitlist. Her offices aren’t here, they’re back home… she said that by the time I’m back, she’ll likely have an opening for me.

…This is possibly the worst segue ever, but I don’t know how else to say something this big. I asked Alune to keep it a secret, so I could tell each of you myself. Aside from her, you’re the first to know.

I have my discharge date. I’ll be coming home in about three and a half months… February 20th.

Is there any chance that the enigmatic, cheerful, pondering Sun Wolf would be interested in meeting in person for a fansign? There’s nothing that would mean more to me.

Faithfully,
Phel

🎵

Chapter 11: "Aquarium" #GUN

Chapter Text

My twitter where you should absolutely come tell me what you think about homesick: aphelionaphelia

Megi's twitter (go look at her amazing art, her setts will change your life): lordmegi

Here's the Homesick Soundtrack link: spotify

Chapter Eleven (Aphelios)

Aquarium - #GUN

“I think you may be making a mistake, Ahn. With the recommendation you got from your Sergeant, you could go very far, very fast. Maybe even leader of your own squad, within a year. You would be set up for the rest of your life, a good enough salary to support a family.”

Aphelios bowed with rigid respect at his Captain, a sturdy man sitting behind a desk kept in meticulous order. “Thank you, Sir. It is a very generous offer. I regret I cannot accept it.”

The stoic Captain with his nearly permanently knitted brows knitted them even harder. “Your Sergeant said you’re in some kind of band. Are you an idol? I thought idols had to be able to sing. You know, there’s no longevity in that. Those fans will probably have forgotten about you by now, anyway.”

Before Aphelios could correct the assumption, the Captain did something surprising; speaking more and softening himself. It was clear he had a great deal of respect for Aphelios too, which was somewhat incomprehensible, given his station. “I’m not trying to be cruel. I’m not surprised you know how to work as hard as you do if you were an idol. But this is a real chance to serve your country, to secure your own future.”

Aphelios bowed deeper this time, his face blank. “Thank you, Sir. I am not deserving of your kind words, or the concern over my future. I apologize I cannot honour such generosity by accepting.”

Instead of making his superior relent or get frustrated, Aphelios’ polite declinings seemed to pique his curiosity. When he’d declined his Lieutenant, the man had given up immediately, but his Sergeant had been good-naturedly badgering him for weeks about accepting the job offer, and Aphelios was getting used to having to affect gratitude and patience. The reaction from his Captain was new though.

“Where is ‘home’?” the man asked.

“America, Sir.”

“You want to go back to America that badly?” The question was voiced with genuine interest, Aphelios could not read any secret hint of challenge in it. And so he decided to answer equally sincerely.

“...My family is there, Sir.”

A slight smile, with what Aphelios sensed was acceptance. The Captain’s knitted eyebrows eased. “Very well, then. I’ll tell Kim I tried. He doesn’t want to let you go, says you’re the best recruit assigned to his squad in five years. With your assessments, I’m not surprised. But you never saw combat, did you?”

“Only false alarms or de-escalations, Sir.”

A moment of looking at Aphelios. The young man suddenly felt see-through, but not in an especially unpleasant way. “You preferred it that way. Am I wrong?”

It could have easily been a trap, but with just a week left before his discharge date, it didn’t really matter. But Aphelios did not feel any duplicity in the question, though he still carefully thought of how to answer.

“...I was very grateful for peace, Sir.”

The two stared at each other for a moment, before the Captain nodded once firmly, his smile still present.

“Thank you for your service, Ahn. Have a safe trip home.”

Aphelios rose, and bowed deeply again, with perfect soldier etiquette he would soon no longer need. His voice had been soft throughout the meeting, but clear, and firm.

“Thank you very much, Sir.”

🎵

Aphelios stared at the ceiling, his hands behind his head, the fabric of his pajama shirt feeling snug around his biceps with the stretch. In the half-hour since lights out, his eyes had adjusted to the darkness. He thought of the glow-in-the-dark stars he’d painted on the ceilings of his rooms, and decided that, wherever he landed, he would do it again. Even though Ezreal had offered (and to Aphelios’ incredible surprise, Kayn had echoed it) for Aphelios to move back into the Heartsteel house, it didn’t feel right. Some days, he could barely comprehend that his place in Heartsteel had been saved; going back would be an adjustment to say the least, and jumping back into being housemates just seemed… ill-advised, on top of it all.

That he’d been texting with Alune right before lights out surely didn’t help with his sleeplessness, especially since she’d been informing him that there were plans for everyone to pick him up from the airport, and then take him for an extravagant dinner afterward, so he would just have to figure out how to cope with the jetlag. Aphelios would be surprised if he was be anything less than incandescent with excitement and emotion at the long-awaited reunion, jetlag would not be a problem. He missed everyone terribly, and the regular correspondence he’d built up with each of them over the past months had proven that he really would be welcomed back. He was overwhelmed with the anticipation.

Mostly.

He still couldn’t quite wrap his mind around seeing Sett again, what that would mean. What it would feel like.

Actually, he had really gotten himself into trouble. Because while the emails he had exchanged with Sett were the most intimate communications he’d ever had with someone other than his twin, (and, to a degree, they were even more exceptional for the fact that they were deliberate in a way Aphelios and Alune had never needed to be), Aphelios had been an idiot. Again. He had skirted around asking a set of very specific questions. And so now, he was more in love with Sett than ever, his heart feeling wrung out at the prospect of seeing the Vastayan again, but with absolutely no idea of whether he was even single, or how Sett had been faring on the romantic front since their break-up.

Of course, there were reasonable extrapolations he could make. Sett’s replies had been eager, consistent, vulnerable, and passionate. Even a dummy like Aphelios could tell that the beast-man still cared for him deeply. But every time Aphelios would seek to reassure himself of the likelihood that Sett still had feelings too, he would just as quickly talk himself out of it. Referencing shared memories, special trips together, or a pet name like Sun Wolf could come from familiarity, an endeavour to bridge the gap of months spent as strangers. Those didn’t have to mean anything more.

That being said… wouldn’t it be weird, if Sett did have a new partner, for him to be emailing an ex like this? Sett had only ever been fiercely loyal as a boyfriend, and would never do something like that. But then, Aphelios would tell himself it was hardly proof of anything, maybe Sett’s new partner was less jealous than he was, maybe Aphelios had broken Sett’s heart so thoroughly that nothing would ever blossom between them again, and he was simply not a threat.

Moreover, on some level, Aphelios still struggled with the admonition that he did not deserve to ask about Sett’s life in that way, at all. He’d worked through a lot, he’d let go of a lot of self-loathing and guilt once he’d been able to find the deep roots that fed those emotions and begin the messy work of ripping them out. But this remained one of the most persistent nuts, too tough to crack on his own. He’d spent countless hours ruminating over what to do, and still, he could only say he felt comfortable leaving it up to the Vastayan to indicate what kind of access he wanted Aphelios to have.

The only problem with that was that even Aphelios could tell that Sett was holding back too—not in any sinister way, but in the same way he was. Both men were waiting for cues from the other one, to follow the other’s lead, both hoping the ball was in the other’s court. And so even though in many ways Aphelios felt closer to Sett than when they’d been dating, their current relationship was much akin to a pair, ready to dance, but forever waiting for that first note of music to play. Not altogether unpleasant, but it could be torture on Aphelios’ heart, filled with yearning for the beast-man once it had been allowed to feel again.

Aphelios heaved a sigh, rolling over onto his side and staring out into the dark bunk room with unfocused eyes, mind and soul 5500 miles away.

Let’s say Sett did still have feelings, Aphelios conjectured, his heart skipping beats at the mere notion. Let’s say he accepted Aphelios’ confession that he was still in love, reciprocating it, only for things to go back to the way they were, or for it to be painfully awkward… for them to come to the ultimate realization that Aphelios had done the right thing by ending it. What then?

Aphelios could practically hear Sett’s voice in his brain as a response. He would say something like, you gotta stop findin’ ways to sabotage stuff that ain’t even had a chance to properly begin, mooncake.

The imaginary Sett was right. Those were possibilities, those could be outcomes. But Aphelios could feel the fear of them paralyzing him; tangling up his mind and obscuring his vision… distorting his emotions and perceptions in a way that the old Aphelios would have felt comforted by, but they now felt like old clothes that were far too small.

If he’d outgrown these thinking patterns, did that mean he was the New Aphelios? He didn’t feel like it. But, he realized, underneath that realization, was the fact that he felt more and more like himself. It was peculiar, to return to feeling like someone you had never entirely been, but Aphelios felt like the ground underneath him was solid. He no longer felt impelled to outrun the quicksand that had so often felt like it was swallowing him whole.

With the silence of an assassin, Aphelios retrieved his phone from the small shelf that served as a bedside table, risking punishment and opening it under his covers that would still be glowing conspicuously in the dark room. He didn’t need long though, he sent only one line to his sister, firing it off before he could let doubt stay his hand.

lunie, can u tell me… is sett single?

Quickly, he turned his phone off and put it back where it should be, managing to go undetected, although it would have been pretty funny to receive his first true discipline for breaking rules this close to his discharge date. He knew there was no point in waiting for Alune to reply since it was still early in America, but while he managed to combat the impulse to check again (and again, and again), it still took him more than an hour to finally fall asleep, his head full of fretful, giddy musings.

Aphelios committed his second deliberate rule break the next morning, when he managed to stealthily check his phone upon wake up call the next morning. His heart flipped into his throat, fluttering maniacally as he read her simple response, before he regretfully had to delete it out of prudence.

Why yes, my dear little baby bro. He is. 👁️👁️

🎵

“You say I didn’t need to come but would you have even been able to survive without me?” Alune looked back at Aphelios from the poor disgusted flight attendant who’d had to take the used air sickness bag from her. It was the flight attendant’s second trip to their seats for such a purpose. There was a wry smile in her voice, and she stared obnoxiously into his pale, sweaty face. The only response Aphelios gave was short, raspy breaths as he tried to settle his stomach. Finally, after pushing his cup of ginger ale into his hand, she relented a little on the mother hen act.

Alune deserved to gloat a little, and the truth of the matter was, Aphelios was too grateful she had essentially flown out halfway across the world to be able to fly back with him. She’d visited their parents again and attended his discharge ceremony, but still she’d hardly been in Korea for a week, and yet not once had she complained about the incredible hassle. If anything, she seemed happier that her brother was coming home than Aphelios was… so much for incandescent excitement. He had so many competing emotions about it all and all of them were surging with an electric current of potent anxiety. Seeing Alune’s joyful abandon, how wide she smiled at him whenever they caught each other’s eyes, or how hard she’d hugged him when he was officially a civilian again… it made it a little easier for Aphelios to get in touch with his own intense, pervasive happiness.

He was finally going home.

That reality had also felt a little too surreal to be within reach, until at their hotel room the night before their flight, he’d had a breakdown and wept for what felt like hours in Alune’s arms. Even while mystified she’d comforted him, until he was able to disjointedly explain that he was mostly crying from relief. He would never have to serve in the military again. He’d done it, he’d made it through, it could no longer hang over his head like an executioner’s sword suspended by a thread.

But he was also scared. The military had become the underpinning of his entire life for a year and a half. He would no longer be beholden to schedule, he’d have to go back to making decisions for himself day by day, and with that came the responsibility to make the right ones. He also felt a surprising amount of grief at leaving. Even though the version of himself he’d had to become in order to survive had been rudimentary and crude, his soldier persona had still been a way to protect himself. While he knew he would keep the inner strength he’d developed, leaving that persona behind as deliberately as he’d constructed it still felt like a death of sorts. And while eulogizing it, he’d discovered that he was proud of himself. He was proud of what he’d been able to get through.

Not just with the military, but in this life he’d be born into, and found the courage to try and truly make it his own.

Thank you, Aphelios signed at his sister.

“No problem. Feeling better now? Want some more ginger ale? I can stir it flat for you again.”

No, he gently stopped her from calling the long-suffering flight attendant over for a third time. It’s okay. It’s just the anxiety. I meant thank you for everything. I really don’t think I would have been able to survive without you. Any of it. Thank you for being the best big sister ever.

Aphelios could see the progression of emotions across his twin’s face; how her grin softened and teasing words were left unsaid, her brow contorting as she bit her lip to hold back affectionate tears. He let her pull him into a fierce hug, as tight as the narrow airplane seats would allow.

“I’m so happy you’re finally coming home, Phel,” she murmured with a tremulous voice as she held him close and pet his head. “I’m so proud of you. And I’m so happy that out of the entire universe, I got to be your twin.”

The torrent of tears in the hotel room notwithstanding, Aphelios had lost much of his crybaby tendency while enlisted. But he could feel his eyes burning as his sister held him, a moment like this feeling so full of all the moments and all the history that had come before it, it was impossible not to be overwhelmed.

Alune sniffled, and pulled away.

“...Are you really going to wear that beanie the whole time until your hair grows out?”

Tender moment ruined, Aphelios affected being offended, but there was a little smile tugging at the corner of his lips.

Yes.

“Even inside? Isn’t your little brain going to overheat? You look cute with your shaved head and your ears. I don’t know why you want to hide it so bad…”

Eventually Alune tired of nagging him over his hat, and they both settled back in for the rest of a long flight. Aphelios’ stomach was like a barely tame animal, agonizing him and incessantly threatening to heave, though he didn’t really have anything in it to be sick with anymore. Still, it clenched the worst every time he checked the clock and found another hour had passed.

He still couldn’t quite wrap his mind around it, but he was about to see everyone again. It felt as impossible as resurrecting from death to be able to resume the life you’d left behind. He tried to distract himself by listening to music and even attempting to write some for the first time since he’d enlisted, and when that failed he tried to make lists of things he would need to shop for, things he would want to pick up from the old house beyond the few essentials he’d asked Ezreal to bring from his room.

Somehow, even though his concentration was non-existent and each task he gave himself felt excruciating, time slipped away from Aphelios like sand through his fingers and, far sooner than he was ready for, the PA system crackled to life with an announcement to prepare for landing.

🎵

A jubilant shriek pierced Aphelios’ fugue state, loud enough to be heard through the pounding of his own heart in his ears. A tiny purple blur was sprinting towards him—Ezreal had seen them way before the newly arrived twins could find their friends in the crowd.

“PHELIO!!!” The hug was a collision, and Aphelios barely had time to process before the wind was knocked out of him, Ezreal’s frenetic, incoherent greeting was like tearing off the band-aid, or getting pushed into the deep end. All in one instant, Aphelios was suddenly, unequivocally home.

“What the hell did they feed you in the army? You could lift K’Sante now? You’re f*cking huge! You look great, though! So happy to have you back, dude! How was your flight? Did you miss us lots and lots? We missed you, we gotta have a watch party of the MV for Eclipse, now that you’re back. Man, it really is great to have you back.” Ezreal’s mouth was like a machine gun, firing off a million words a minute.

“I like your new hair,” was the only sentence Aphelios could manage to string together, an idiotic thing to say after so long apart, but Ezreal didn’t seem to care at all. As the popstar flipped his lilac locks over his shoulder and preened, behind him the rest of Heartsteel had finally caught up to their hamster that had sprinted off rogue.

“LOOK HOW HUGE HE GOT!” Ezreal shouted, stepping aside and showing off Aphelios as if he was a beautiful houseplant Ez had grown with his own two hands. “ISN’T THIS NUTS!?”

“Ezreal. Inside voice,” Yone scolded dryly, before breaking out into one of the widest smiles Aphelios had ever seen from him. Aphelios could not help but smile back. “You look well, Aphelios. Glad to have you back safely.”

Still overwhelmed, Aphelios looked from member to member, K’Sante beaming and waving at him from beside his husband, Kayn sauntering up in the imitation of casualness but the contented glint in his eye was unmistakable… and behind everyone was—

“What kinda polite business meeting bullsh*t is this ‘hello’?” Kayn jibed before, without warning, he shoved everyone into one big huddle. “If there was ever a time for a group hug, this is it!”

In the middle of the sudden press of six bodies, Aphelios felt small, and overflowing. He was surrounded by such intense love and joy that it brimmed over… not into tears, but into laughter. Aphelios could not stop laughing, as he felt himself patted on the back and embraced, even when his hat was snatched off and his shaved head was rubbed. Soon, all seven of them were laughing together in the middle of airport arrivals, feeling like all was finally right again with their world after so long of something missing.

Aphelios couldn’t even understand what all was being said to him, it was all so overwhelming, but his whole heart was in each individual hug that he returned; first with Ezreal again, then Yone, then K’Sante, and finally, Kayn. Until there was only one person he hadn’t yet spoken to directly.

“I gotta say, Phel. I really missed that smile o’ yours.” The familiarity of Sett’s voice felt like it pierced Aphelios clean through, ignoring any defences and burrowing directly into his heart, as divine as Cupid’s arrow.

Aphelios’ smile got so wide, his teeth showed. A flower, blooming in sunshine. A hundred million things were running through Phel’s mind in that moment as he looked at Sett, who’d changed both so much and so little, his bushy tail shivering with delight behind him. But the only thought he was able to silently articulate out of them all was one he could not speak aloud. I still love you so much.

“I missed…” Aphelios’ quiet voice trailed off, failing to find the words in the maelstrom.

Sett seemed to understand anyway, and reached out to take Aphelios into a long, heartfelt hug.

The embrace was full of paradoxes. Aphelios was inundated with how deeply he was in love, and he wasn’t sure what they had could even be called a friendship. Sett’s body against his was profoundly familiar, and yet the way they fit together now was so different. For the first time since he’d found out he’d had to leave, he felt reprieve in the tightly tangled knot constricting heart, and yet, in spite of that comfort, things were undeniably awkward with Sett. Aphelios found it hard to meet his eyes, he worried his eyes were lingering too long. And he could tell Sett felt the tension too.

In spite of all that, and because of it all, the hug was perfect.

“I really do gotta ask though,” Sett’s voice was low and torturously intimate in Phel’s ear. “What did they feed ya in bootcamp? I’m kinda jealous of your gains.”

Aphelios laughed as they reluctantly separated, though the laugh came out stunted. All he could feel were the hot places on his back where Sett’s hands had been, and how hot his cheeks burned now. Ashamed of his shyness, Aphelios could still not prevent how his eyes fell to the floor.

Already he could feel the tiny hairline fracture of fear crack open. Would it be weird to compliment Sett back? He looked so handsome, with his long, red hair, his fresh shave, and some thickness in his flesh. The moment had already passed, and now Phel was just kind of standing there, short-circuiting and plagued by doubts, and definitely making the awkwardness worse. Should he try and fix it now? Should he address thing head-on, maybe say something like ‘I want to talk with you when we both have the time,’ or perhaps—

“I am SO hungry,” Alune declared, after receiving all of her own hugs and greetings. “We have a reservation at that steakhouse tonight, right? God, I can’t wait!”

“Yes, I ensured we booked one of the private back rooms,” Yone confirmed. He looked even younger than before Aphelios had left. It could have been how his long hair was up in a bun, or it could have been that not having to incessantly wrangle three and half brats all the time suited him well. “Soraka said she might be able to close her shop early and come join us, too.”

“Excellent,” K’Sante began herding everyone to where the band’s van was parked… just like old times. “We all have lots to catch up on, so it’ll be good to talk freely. Have you met Soraka yet, Aphelios?”

As the guest of honour, Aphelios was allowed to sit in the front seat as K’Sante drove, the two of them making cordial conversation; Aphelios explaining he had heard much about the flower shop owner that had claimed his sister’s heart, but had yet to meet her, despite the fact that he would be crashing on her (and Alune’s) couch for the next few days. K’Sante filled him in about what had changed locally in Phel’s absence… a strip mall that had closed down, a new restaurant that had opened, the farmer’s market they went to sometimes had moved locations. Little minutiae of daily life that Aphelios was grateful to be initiated back into now that this would be his home again.

But his mind still buzzed with that thick tension… wondering if he was the only one who could feel it. Wondering if the sensation of eyes on him was just his imagination.

🎵

Aphelios was doing a surprisingly decent job of cutting himself some slack. For the rest of the van ride and as they waited to be ushered to their reserved room at the restaurant, he held it together, not getting too into his own head. He needed to eat, now that his stomach was mostly just filled with butterflies and no longer that precarious, queasy feeling, he needed to have a long, hot shower, and he needed to have a good sleep. He hadn’t rested well for days, mostly from excitement, often from being unable to turn off his brain. But until he took care of those things, he reminded himself that he shouldn’t take any of his own emotions too seriously, and he definitely should not torture himself over whether he was already backsliding into old, bad habits.

He did a good job until it was time to take their seats, and in the picture of gentlemanliness, Sett pulled one out for him.

They’d both looked at each other for a moment before furiously turning red, Aphelios mumbling his thanks and sitting in the proffered chair, feeling sweaty especially under his stupid hat when Sett silently sat next to him, Alune on his other side. The Vastayan had looked like he’d done it without thinking, like he was still so used to being Aphelios’ boyfriend, in spite of everything.

It was almost funny. Here was Aphelios, now a trained soldier and sharpshooter who could have seen armed conflict at any time… reduced to a schoolboy panic because of the proximity of the handsome man beside him.

They had to talk this out, and hopefully… Sett would be willing to do it soon.

Thankfully, Soraka’s arrival was providential in its timing, and soon Aphelios had to direct his attention to the tall, gorgeous, full-figured woman introducing herself to him. As Alune hovered, beaming, Soraka would not let Aphelios stand on ceremony, and ignored his polite handshake in favour of a warm, welcoming hug. He was enveloped by the scent of lilies; the delicate fragrance of doilies and fine china. Like an old woman, but in a way that made Aphelios’ heart ache with nostalgia and the comfort of a grandmotherly adoration he had never personally known. No words yet spoken between them, and Aphelios already decided he liked her a lot.

“It’s so wonderful to meet you, Aphelios,” Soraka’s voice was like warm honey, and the golden loops in her blonde passion twists glinted when she smiled. In her very presence, Aphelios could feel how his little family had already grown.

“Please call me ‘Phel,’” Aphelios said at the exact same time Alune chirped that she should just call him ‘Phel,’ still hovering and eagerly watching both her twin’s and girlfriend’s faces. Satisfied they liked each other, she enthusiastically instructed everyone to sit down again and not waste any more time—if she didn’t get some food in the next three seconds she might start eating the menus.

As Soraka pulled some sugar cookies out of her purse and gave them to a famished Alune who crowed with delight over how her death from hypoglycemia had been prevented, everyone took their seats again, and once more, Aphelios tried to focus on anything other than his huge ex-boyfriend…

So huge in fact, that frequently throughout the dinner, Sett’s arm would nudge his, or his knee would brush against his leg for a split second. Several times, Aphelios felt a soft rhythmic whapping against his chair back, realizing it must be Sett’s wagging tail. He said nothing, lest he draw attention to it and Sett stop it from happening again.

“The paperwork is all filed,” K’Sante explained over their entrees, everyone a bit more settled with food in front of them. “It is only a matter of waiting for a child to be matched with us.”

“That kid is going to be spoiled rotten,” Ezreal laughed, speaking the thought that was likely on everyone’s mind. “I think you should name the child after someone truly great. Someone they can look up to, and feel proud. Like me!”

“Get real, dweeb,” Kayn chuckled, surprising Aphelios by putting his arm around Ezreal’s waist and jostling him affectionately, something he never would have done in front of others so casually before. “If they were going for greatness, then obviously the baby should be named ‘Kayn.’”

“We will love this baby far too much to ever do that to her,” Yone cut in flatly, expertly masking his amusem*nt. “But if we suddenly decide to name her after known trouble-makers and delinquents, we will be sure to let you know.”

Everyone shared a hearty laugh, even the two knuckleheads who had just been put on blast.

“What are you thinking of naming her?” Aphelios cleared his throat to ask. Normally, he would have been happy to quietly observe the banter, but he felt so blessed to be included in these moments again, he wanted to show his gratitude, even in a small way like pushing the use of his voice. “It’s going to be a baby girl?”

“Not official yet,” proud uncle-to-be Sett supplied instantly, grinning as he explained to Phel. “But Papa K here says he’s ‘got a feelin’.’”

“It’s true,” K’Sante sat back triumphantly, pride glowing in his features, too. “Even though we did not specify, I just have an intuition.”

“We’re still deciding on names,” Yone joined in, making sure Aphelios knew he had been heard. “We were considering a couple, maybe Rin, or Kari, but there’s one both K’Sante and I like very much.”

“Aido,” K’Sante announced, as if it was the most beautiful, magical word.

“Her kanji would be ‘to love’ and ‘child.’ There would be no doubt about how wanted she was.” Yone reached for K’Sante’s hand, and Aphelios was overwhelmed with happiness for them both, and with relief, too. He knew his stupidity had strained their marriage quite heavily, and he’d talked through it with both of them and apologized via emails. It lifted no small weight off his heart to see his two dear friends with such an abundance of love.

“And it’s also one of the names of the Rainbow Serpent some of the older members of my family still worship,” K’Sante added on. “She is a kind and benevolent spirit, who is said to teach her followers about love, among other things. Still rather perfect, if I may say so myself.”

“I think Aido is a beautiful name,” Soraka agreed, raising her glass of wine in an informal toast that was imitated by everyone else. Soon, everyone also seemed to be having a competition over who would be the funnest aunt or uncle, who would give Aido her first favourite toy, and so on.

Spontaneously, a little melody emerged into Aphelios’ head, much easier than when he’d tried to force it on the plane, the first song that had written itself in his mind in months and months. Hastily, he asked Alune for a pen, unintentionally tuning everyone else out and scrawling the bars on a napkin so he wouldn’t forget them, titling it Aido’s Song . He could feel Sett’s eyes watching him closely, and the Vastayan seemed about to speak as Aphelios stood up a little in his chair so he could safely put the napkin in his pocket for later.

Whatever Sett may or may not have been about to say was interrupted by Kayn, and when Aphelios caught Kayn’s eyes from across the table he knew in an instant with old familiarity that the rapper was about to start some sh*t.

“So tell us about the special Korean Army workout routine,” he teased, “‘cause these two meatheads have been at it for years, and you’ve gotten more than half their bulk in 18 months.”

The two meatheads in question were obviously Sett and K’Sante, whose interest was immediately piqued even as Aphelios tried bashfully to laugh off the attention. Seeing he wasn’t going to be able to wriggle out of this one with just a laugh, Aphelios tried to answer in a way that wouldn’t incite more questions, even though he knew it was natural for everyone to care, and to want to know more about what his enlistment had been like. It was just… not when he was so exhausted and his thoughts were still racing…

“It was nothing special. I just lifted a lot, because there was nothing better to do.”

“You gonna keep it up?”

“...I don’t think so.”

“Really? When you already look that good?”

“I…” Aphelios hedged, wondering what on earth Kayn was angling at, especially with his arm still around Ezreal. “I mostly just did it to kill time.”

“Well then, we gotta get on it,” Kayn pressed on, and Aphelios sensed that he was about to find out exactly what Kayn’s angle was. “Sett, you gotta contact the record execs and get them to start planning the next comeback while Aphelios here still has all his muscles.”

“He hasn’t even been home one day, you dingbat,” Alune shot back, though she was still clearly finding it humorous, as most people at the table seemed to be.

“Yeah but, imagine! We make Aphelios the main character of the next comeback, he does his first thirst trap photos looking like that , everyone raves about his army sex appeal glow up, and we make bank. Phel is way too f*cking hot to let this go to waste.” Then, added snidely, “speaking from a business standpoint, of course.”

Trying to resist the overwhelming desire to melt into his seat and disappear, Aphelios missed the pointed look Kayn fired in the direction of a certain Vastayan. Instead, Aphelios attempted to reply, only to abandon that, too. “It’s not… with my hair, it’s not going to look good…”

Raucous protests erupted from around the table, essentially people arguing with Aphelios that he was, in fact, a certified babe, until he mostly just relented and kept saying thank you. He didn’t want to explain that he couldn’t stand his own reflection; he didn’t necessarily hate his new build, but it represented a very dark time for him as much as it represented his hard work. He had felt comfortable in his own skin before, until his weakness had meant he was targeted and he’d had no choice but to get strong. He just wanted to fit back into his old clothes, his favourite skirts. He wanted his long hair again.

One person’s voice had been conspicuously silent in the discussion over Aphelios’ purported sex appeal, and the semi-regular whapping against the back of his seat had stopped.

Aphelios could easily sense how upset Sett was, that much had not changed. Some automatic impulse propelled him to reach for the beast-man’s hand to comfort him, only stopping his hand in mid-air when he realized why it was moving. Chagrined, he balled his fist firmly on his thigh instead, the awkwardness intensifying. Was Sett mad at him? At his responses…?

He cast his eyes down to where Sett’s own left hand was resting in his lap, the urge to reach for it still overwhelming. What Aphelios was not ready for was to see the ring he had bought Sett, still on the Vastayan’s ring finger, looking like he had never taken it off.

A sob was instantly perched at the back Aphelios’ throat, and it was only through sheer force of will that he forced it down,. He tried not to look shell-shocked as he stared at his plate, mechanically eating the rest of his food for something to do, and feeling grateful the subject of conversation had already changed.

Aphelios was happy. He could feel it, he wasn’t just telling himself that. He could feel it through his stress, his tiredness. He was so glad to be back home, and excited to re-establish himself, to find old comfort in the familiar, to find excitement for the new things he could explore.

But there was also something that he was grappling with; the sensation that, even after he’d been so much more open with everyone, there was still a distance there, sometimes so slight, but as firm as the glass wall of an aquarium. Something that kept Aphelios on the outside looking in, and the intense realization that everyone’s lives had progressed without him in ways he would never know exacerbated the feeling. There had always been times he’d felt it, even before enlisting, and definitely not just with Heartsteel. Sett had been the one person beyond Alune who seemed to not only be able to sense that wall, but to meet Phel on his side of it. And now, the thickest wall of all seemed to be between him and the Vastayan.

With sudden clarity, Aphelios realized this was probably the exact type of thing that people talked about in therapy… at least he would have plenty of material for his first session in two days. He’d deliberately booked it so soon after his arrival precisely because he didn’t want to settle back into the illusive comfort of old habits and patterns. But he was also left wondering… when would he be able to sort things out with Sett?

The rest of the dinner was a bit of a blur, severe jetlag beginning to set in, along with the toll of having been awake for over a day and being sick repeatedly on the plane. Aphelios began to get quiet purely from feeling ragged and wrung out, though he promised the others numerous times that he would be ready to party in about a week’s time for his and Alune’s birthday.

Even though Aphelios internally chided himself for being obsessed, he could not help but fixate on two things until the gathering finally disbanded, and everyone piled in the car so they could get dropped back home. The normally gregarious, loud-mouthedd Sett had been notably quiet for the latter half of the evening, and… that ring. Sett was still wearing his ring.

🎵

Aphelios cuddled the blue bunny toy Ezreal had included in the box of stuff from his old room, mostly just some sweatpants and sweaters until Aphelios could figure out what still fit, along with some other conveniences. The bunny toy had been a welcome, but unexpected guest. Ezreal had apologized though, explaining he could not find Phel’s old phone anywhere, much less in the desk drawer he’d described. It was a little weird, but he probably needed a new one by now anyway…

At the restaurant he’d felt so wiped, ready to fall asleep in the next instant. But now, even though Alune and Soraka’s couch was comfy and his blankets were plush, sleep was elusive.

It might have to do with the fact that he was staring a hole through the screen of his laptop that Alune had kept safe for him, staring at the disgusting, pathetic last message he’d sent Sett. He’d unblocked the Vastayan first thing upon opening Discard, but he had yet to work up the courage to DM him.

He should probably give Sett his space, especially given how weirdly the other had behaved at dinner. Wasn’t it the right thing to do, to take his cues from Sett? The problem was… if the Vastayan had given him any cues that night, poor Aphelios could make neither heads nor tails of them.

The hug, how tightly Sett had held him, the affection resonating in his voice so clearly… the ring… but then… Sett hadn’t asked Aphelios anything personal all night, and he’d bristled noticeably when Kayn had tried to push the photoshoot idea. He also hadn’t said anything beyond a friendly ‘goodnight’ when Aphelios, Alune, and Soraka had been dropped off in front of their apartment… though that could just as easily be due to how many pairs of ears would have been eagerly listening in.

And, to be fair, Sett would have no reason to know Aphelios unblocked him, unless he messaged first. He should definitely message first, in this case. He would not be crossing a boundary. Right?

But… what the f*ck should he even say…

As Aphelios chewed his lip and evaluated thousands of possible overtures he could send, an impossible, nearly miraculous message popped up on his screen, in the chat window he had open for Sett.

The Boss
helloooo, does this work yet?
oh!
f*ck, it went thru
r u there phel?

Just as Sett sent im gonna delete this crap n write somethin cooler now that i know it works, Aphelios replied.

A.
im here
hi sett

The Boss
hi phel!!! 😸
cant believe u finally got 2 come home 2day
so f*ckn glad u are home safe n sound
n i wanted 2 say im sorry if i got weird 2nite
it wasnt u but

Aphelios waited, watching the typing bubble appear and disappear over and over, before he guessed at what Sett was trying to phrase diplomatically, and put him out of his misery.

A.
we still need to have a talk

The Boss
god
thank u
i was tryin to figure out how to type that where it didnt sound scary af

Aphelios lips spread into a smile where they were pressed closely into the blue bunny’s fur.

A.
dont worry, i want to talk too
its not scary

The Boss
at the risk of lookin like a goon……
wat r u doin 2morrow?

A soft exhale of laughter, so fond.

A.
oh i have some absolutely thrilling plans
first i have to get a new phone
then i have to go to the govt service offices to get some paperwork sorted out
with my green card and crap like that
unfortunately i think itll take all day

The Boss
damn im jealous 😝
wat about the day after…?

A.
i have my 1st appt with dr alvarez, its downtown at 1pm
but other than that, im free

The Boss
wow phel
ur gettin right into therapy, thats pretty awesome
maybe we can go 4 a walk in a park nearby, but u can always text me from ur new phone n we can take it from there

Happy, Aphelios sent the address of the office he had his appointment, and together they figured out a nice park closeby, with plenty of cafes around if they got hungry. There was still a hesitancy in Sett that mirrored Aphelios’ own; both seemed scared to push anything too far, too fast. But the sweet enthusiasm of Sett’s DMs had gone a long way to put Phel’s mind at ease, and after wishing each other a goodnight again, Aphelios finally felt sleep begin to take him.

With the blue bunny pressed tightly against his heart, Aphelios relaxed into a deep, contented slumber.

🎵

Aphelios’ mind was so occupied with all that had happened during his first therapy session that he didn’t realize it was even raining until he stepped out onto the sidewalk and the shock of a fat, cold raindrop plopping onto his cheek caused him to look skyward. He didn’t know it was even supposed to rain that day, but with the weather so uncooperative, it looked like the walk in the park would have to wait.

He pulled out his new phone and entered Sett’s number in from memory, and was halfway through a text message about how disappointed he was about the rain, when a car pulled to the curb and gave a little honk. Behind the wheel of a very familiar Joop was a very familiar, grinning Sett, beckoning for Aphelios to get in.

“Once I saw it was rainin’ I thought I’d just come here ‘n get ya,” Sett explained, his thick, forest green sweater very flattering on his body, his long hair tied back casually. Aphelios wondered if his blush was obvious.

“Is that okay? Or… uh…” Suddenly hesitant again, Sett seemed to wonder aloud if he’d already taken things too far.

“It’s totally fine,” he reassured him. “I really appreciate it. I would have gotten soaked before I could get anywhere.”

Was Sett’s hearing still sensitive enough to pick up the sound of Aphelios’ pounding heart, even through the noise of the rain hitting the roof? To pick him up so he could stay dry… it was so thoughtful…

With a wide grin, Sett nodded cheerfully, clearly relieved. The awkward tension crackled between them, so palpable when they were close like this.

But it wasn’t a bad tension… perhaps Aphelios was delusional with wishful thinking, but it reminded him a lot of how things had once been so awkward between them when they’d both had feelings, but had not yet confessed.

Sett was the first to speak again.

“Listen, um…” Aphelios waited as Sett screwed up his courage. “This may sound crazy, but whaddaya think about just goin’ to the mountaintop? I can open up the back of the Joop, I got blankets in the trunk, ‘n we could just sit in there, ‘n talk. But only if you’re comfortable. I’m also okay to take a rain check… literally, I guess.”

Aphelios gave it genuine thought, making sure he still felt up to it all, especially after his appointment.

“I really like that idea. Maybe we could pick up something warm to drink on the way?”

That toothy, wide grin again, filled with delight. “You got it, Phel.”

The drive to the mountaintop was still awkward, but Aphelios acclimated to it slowly, and more importantly… he simply felt happy to be in Sett’s company again. He knew the talk they were about to have would be hard, but he was filled with optimism for it, the way that the act of cleaning out an old, cluttered room might not be particularly pleasant, but you did it because the reward of the cleansed, refreshed space was so vital.

They made small talk for a little while after procuring some extra large hot chocolates, Sett asking polite questions about how Aphelios’ first session had gone, but otherwise, they spent the rest of the trip with their private thoughts and the radio playing faintly in the background.

“Wow. I missed this view so much,” Aphelios said as they crested the mountain ridge, Sett pulling off and carefully reversing onto the flat, grassy overlook as far as it was safe.

For a long moment, while Sett fussed with the blankets in the trunk, Aphelios just stood in the light rain, taking deep, greedy breaths.

There were so many memories here, most of them the best Aphelios had, memories he cherished. There had been a time he was convinced he would never be back here, or at least… definitely not with Sett.

He was so unspeakably, incredibly grateful to have been wrong.

Generously, Sett waited in silence, already hunkered in the makeshift seat, watching Aphelios take it all in. When Aphelios looked back at him, they could not help but smile at each other. As he climbed into the open trunk, Aphelios noticed that Sett had left him what looked to be the far comfier blanket, and even though there was plenty of space in the back of the truck, Sett was still a large man, and there was no way to avoid their legs touching when they sat side by side. It was pathetic, but it set Aphelios’ heart racing again.

For a few awkward moments, they sipped their hot chocolates, both of them in a mental frenzy, trying to figure out where, and how, to start.

“I broke your old phone,” Sett blurted abruptly, so out of nowhere that for a second, Aphelios had no idea what he was talking about, until Sett dug something out of his pocket and showed it to him. His old phone, with a spiderweb of cracks through the entire screen.

“I’m so f*ckin’ sorry, Phel. I overheard Ez tellin’ you he couldn’t find it, it’s cause I took it so I could get it repaired… but then… I thought about it, ‘n I felt like that would be lyin’ to ya. Maybe that’s weird, ‘cause you woulda never known, but it ain’t ever sat right with me that I f*ckin’ did that to your stuff, ‘n I wanna own up to it. Even if I gotta admit some ugly things.”

Bewildered, Aphelios took the broken phone from Sett’s clawed fingers, wondering how the Vastayan had even found it in the first place.

“I was snoopin’ through your sh*t. Ain’t no nice way to put it. It was real early after, uh—”

Aphelios looked into Sett’s teal eyes, and saw an incredible amount of confused, conflicted pain there. It was like a fist in his stomach.

“...After I broke up with you?” Aphelios confirmed, feeling sick. The ‘fan’ and ‘idol’ talk had served its purpose in their emails, but now, they were two men who needed to speak to each other like adults, abandoning the euphemisms and denials, no matter how painful.

“Yeah,” Sett exhaled a huge sigh, as if he’d been holding his breath, maybe bracing for a wound. “I don’t even remember when exactly, ‘cause there were a few weeks there that are just… a blur. But I was so confused, I was so angry with ya too, I just wanted some answers. So I was rootin’ through your sh*t, thinkin’ maybe somethin’ you’d left behind could help me. I didn’t realize you’d left your phone here. But I was totally gonna look through it, I admit that, but I saw your… I saw the wallpaper of us, ‘n I just had this—this moment of hurtin’ so bad, I threw it without thinkin’. It still turns on, though. So I’m happy to pay for the screen to be replaced, I’m happy to pay for the new phone you had to get too, I’m sorry I was too chickensh*t to f*ckin’ say somethin’ before ya had to go ‘n buy a new one—”

“Sett, it’s okay,” Aphelios stemmed the flow, reaching out and touching his leg in a gesture of comfort, before he realized what he was doing, and snatched his hand away as if from a hot stove. Which, of course, made everything only feel worse.

“I also didn’t end up lookin’ through it, not that it changes anythin’, Sett added glumly. “But I just wanted to be clear, I never actually went through it.”

“It’s really alright,” Aphelios assured him. “I don’t feel like my privacy was invaded. You were looking for something that would help it all make sense, because I didn’t give that to you, and I owed it to you. I really don’t blame you.”

Poor Sett still looked miserable, even though his heart had been unburdened of this sin.

“For what it’s worth, you know all my secrets now anyway. Nothing you would have found on that phone would have been a bigger deal than what I willingly told you in the emails.”

Aphelios could tell Sett was listening, digesting those words, but still his expression did not lighten. A pang of doubt pierced through his previous optimism for the first time. His intuition told him Sett wanted to repair things as badly as he did but… what if they still couldn’t? What if they just… weren’t capable of truly moving forward?

The thought chilled Aphelios’ blood, and he fell silent against his burning desire to speak. The quiet that ensued was heavy, muffling. It lasted for what felt like the longest two minutes of Aphelios’ life.

“I slept in your bed a lot too, after you left.” Sett’s voice was roughened with emotion, and heartbroken afresh, Aphelios looked at him.

Sett turned his gaze away from the cityline and grit his jaw as he locked eyes with Aphelios. Something intangible ignited between them, too amorphous to be decidedly positive or negative. It was simply powerful.

“I missed you so f*ckin’ bad, it felt like someone took all my guts out, ‘n I was just walkin’ around empty all the time. It hurt so much, ‘n I mean physically. I ain’t ever hurt that bad for so long, but I also kept holdin’ onto it, ‘cause a part of me felt like if I gave up that pain, I was really givin’ you up for good.

“Alune said you had no idea what was goin’ on, ‘n I believe that, so don’t worry, you don’t need to explain. We all did a lotta what we thought was protectin’ each other, ‘n it’s hard to say if it worked. Actually, once you ‘n her told me what you’d been going through in your stupid f*ckin’ bootcamp with all those assholes, I’m glad she protected you, ‘n you protected yourself. I had my supports around me, ‘n you had no one. So, please know, I ain’t tellin’ ya this so you feel guilty, okay? I don’t want you to feel guilty. I just want you to hear me.”

Aphelios was hardly breathing, doing anything but listening to Sett felt impossible when it was as if he was bolted to the spot, transfixed. But he nodded, giving his promise.

“sh*t got real bad for me when you broke up with me,” Sett reiterated. “I really lost myself, ‘cause I think a huge part of it was that I was so happy with you. And I was happy with who I was when I was with you, too. Like I thought that guy was in top form, rich as f*ck, sexy as f*ck, funny, caring, loyal, all that good stuff. So when you still left me, it made me feel like, if that guy wasn’t good enough to not be abandoned, then I’d never be good enough. So what was the point?

“I ate like sh*t, drank so much—actually, would you believe that I became smokin’ buddies with Kayn? Like that’s how low I went. I think I gained about fourty pounds, still ain’t lost it all which is why I look like sh*t now. Part of me really wanted to get back to how I looked when you left so you wouldn’t see me at the airport ‘n be like, who the f*ck is this loser? But for one thing, I know you ain’t really like that, ‘n for another thing, I ain’t gonna lie. Sometimes it’s still really hard for me, I get into funks, I eat a lot more take out than I used to ‘cause I just don’t have the energy.

“I been workin’ through all of this too with my therapist, ‘specially once you ‘n I started talkin’ again, because I had all these crazy f*ckin’ thoughts, like if I got hot enough, or moved into some nutty penthouse, you’d want me again, ‘n regret leavin’ me. ‘Cause I was scared, I was scared that givin’ you my heart had never been enough, but then my therapist pulled some Freudian ass sh*t ‘n asked me if that’s really how you were, or if this whole thing I had in my head had more to do with my Pa leavin’, and how he’d taught me how to feel.

“‘Cause I talked about you a lot to my therapist, ‘n I think she really likes you,” Sett laughed suddenly, heartily. “She kept askin’ me why I’d love you so much if I really thought you were into sh*t as shallow as penthouses or if I have seven percent body fat. So I explained about you, ‘n when you started writin’ me those emails I told her what you said—ah f*ck, I hope that’s okay with you. I really needed to do it to help me make sense of it all, ‘n it’s confidential…”

It’s okay, Aphelios signed, his voice lost in the inundation of all these revelations. I told my therapist about you, too. It’s fine, I promise.

“Well, good… ‘cause it really did start helpin’ me figure my own sh*t out. And then I realized, you abandonin’ me probably had very little to do with me, or anything I did, ‘n had way more to do with you, ‘n what you were about to go into. It was still real f*ckin’ hard, but it kinda made it manageable? Like finally, I could go through the stages of grief over it, ‘cause it wasn’t about whether I was enough or not. And by that point, I had long stopped bein’ angry with you, stopped bargainin’, all of that good stuff. ‘Specially when you apologized, ‘n I can see it written all over your pretty face how f*ckin’ sorry you still are. I was truly able to let it go, ‘n forgive you, ‘n try to start forgivin’ myself, too.

“You’re doin’ such a great job listenin’ Phel, but I can tell you wanna say that I have nothin’ I should need to forgive myself for, ‘n you’re just wrong on that count, doll. What you went through, that sh*t your parents ‘n your halmoni did to ya, I don’t blame you for bein’ so f*ckin’ scared all the time. Hell, I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if that doc o’ yours tells you that you have PTSD or somethin’ from all that. And I gotta forgive myself, ‘cause especially with hindsight, I feel like I shoulda fought harder. There were so many times I backed off or I let you lie to me or hide sh*t when I knew what was up, because I was too scared of makin’ you leave me to actually be a good f*ckin’ friend to ya. And you really needed one.

“But I ain’t perfect, ‘n that’s why I’m sayin’ I’m workin’ on forgivin’ myself, ‘cause I think we were doin’ the best with what we had, ‘n then it’s not our fault that the stupid f*ckin Korean government came outta nowhere ‘n suddenly gave us a hard deadline on all this sh*t. But there’s one thing I really can’t forgive myself for, ‘n part of that is ‘cause I ain’t even asked for your forgiveness yet.

“Aphelios, I am so f*ckin’ sorry, from the bottom of my heart, for how bad I hurt you back by kissin’ Qiyana. I ain’t makin’ excuses for myself, but I hope it’s okay I explain why I did it. Is it okay? Are you okay with that…?”

Aphelios swayed slightly, overcome by a sensation not dissimilar to vertigo. He’d just taken in so much information, he was barely able to process it all. But then, to talk about Qiyana… he’d shoved the memory of seeing Sett kissing Qiyana into a dark corner of his mind, one he hoped to forget, but now Sett had suddenly seized it all into the daylight, impossible to hide from.

It was testament to his newfound bravery, but Aphelios did not run, even though he could feel the old hurt rising within him, like a stagnant poison. He nodded, giving his permission.

“First off,” Sett spoke slowly, and far more gently than he had with his stream of consciousness. He seemed to be fully aware of how painful this still was for his ex-boyfriend. “I let myself get absolutely f*ckin’ wasted that night, on purpose. Like, to an irresponsible level. And when she came onto me, all I could think was, if I did somethin’ like that, you’d have to unblock me. I wanted to get you so mad that you’d message me again to tell me to go f*ck myself, or tell me you’d been right all along about me, that I was a pig, a f*ckboy, anything. In that moment, I was willin’ to pay any price for you to just talk me again, but I wasn’t thinkin’ about the price I mighta been makin’ you pay along with me.

“I hurt you, I humiliated you. And I let you go into that hell of a bootcamp thinkin’ that you were no better than trash to me. And even if our romantic relationship was still over, as your friend, which I will always be, it wasn’t okay for me to hurt you so bad when you were already gettin’ f*cked over so hard by life. I’m really, really sorry for that, Phel. That was one of the most childish things I ever done.”

Aphelios could not think of how to reply, he was still too stunned. He long ago thought he’d forgiven Sett, especially given how inappropriate it would be to hold such a grudge against an ex whose heart he’d just broken. But Sett’s words had stirred something in his heart, something he’d sought to intentionally desiccate so it wouldn’t hurt anymore… only it did. It still hurt.

Feeling helpless, he stared out at the city below, mostly obscured by the clouds and rain. In an effort to calm himself down, he pulled his sleeves over his hands, and stroked the soft fleece on the inside of his sweater.

To his great credit, Sett let him have a moment to gather his thoughts.

“...You okay, Phel?” He checked after a few minutes, his voice full of caring and regret. “I really hurt ya, didn’t I?”

It was surprisingly hard to get the words to rise on his tongue, but if only for the sake of how hard he was trying to change, he forced himself to speak them.

“You did,” Aphelios said, so quietly they were almost a whisper. After Sett’s sensitive ears heard those words, they drooped.

Gathering his courage, Aphelios rubbed his face with his hands, staving off the tears he’d felt threatening. He turned to Sett, facing him once more.

“You did, but I forgive you too. Thank you for apologizing, especially when… I think most people in your position would not.”

“You know it meant nothing though, right?” Sett was near pleading, and Aphelios suddenly wondered where this conversation was going to go, and a cataclysmic sensation began burgeoning in his chest. It was like his heart was breaking and being remade at the same time—one thing Aphelios was absolutely sure of was that, by the end of this conversation, he needed to tell Sett how he still felt about him, no matter how much courage it took.

“I know that’s a line people say,” Sett continued, beginning to go rapidfire again, “but whatever difference it does or doesn’t make, I been dyin’ to tell ya that this whole time. Qiyana never did ‘n never will mean anything to me. I was so scared you’d think I was just f*ckin’ lyin’ to ya, after that fight we had in Seoul, so I just need you to know.

“Maybe it’s selfish of me but I gotta get this off my f*ckin’ chest or I think I’ll actually go insane. From the moment I met ya, no one else meant anything, not like that. And I mean that literally, Phel. From the moment I met ya, ‘n onward. People told me to go out ‘n play the field, that you ‘n I were done, that I needed to come to grips with that. And I tried, about eight months in, when I finally picked my filthy carcass outta bed, I tried to go on a date, but it was just… I couldn’t get over it.

“That’s what I been workin’ on with my therapist the last few sessions, the fact that I can’t get over it all. She says I don’t want to get over it, ‘n I gotta agree with her, ‘cause I don’t, at least, not until you ‘n I had a chance to hash it out like this, so I could get some of those answers I been waitin’ on this whole time.”

His head was swirling, and that feeling of vertigo was back. Between that and how quickly Sett was talking, Aphelios wasn’t sure he understood, but what he thought he did, scared him terribly.

I did something you can’t get over? he signed.

Aphelios would understand that, and that was precisely why he was so terrified. It was totally possible to forgive someone for something, but not be able to move on from it… for things to never be the same afterward. If that was the case, Aphelios had no choice, he would learn how to accept it. But he felt the willpower to confess the truth of his feelings to Sett shrivelling up by the second.

“Huh?” Sett’s visible confusion wasn’t something Aphelios had anticipated.

Do you mean, even after talking, there’s still something I did, that you can’t move on from? May I ask what? Is it that I broke your heart…?

As Aphelios signed, clarity dawned in the beast-man’s eyes, and without thinking, he turned as much as the trunk would allow and reached for Aphelios’ hands, holding them.

“No, Phel. That’s not what I meant at all. I meant, I couldn’t get over our breakup in the sense of like… aw f*ck… I dunno if I should be tellin’ you this, if this is the right time, but I think if I don’t just spit it out, it’s gonna be worse later on.”

Aphelios was staring into Sett’s face, hanging on his every word, doing nothing to pull his hands away.

“I couldn’t get over you . I been working for weeks in therapy on how to cope if you came back, ‘n it turned out you just wanted to be friends, ‘n nothin’ more ever again. ‘Cause I could and would respect that, but I think I need to hear it from you, straight up. I know I’m sorta puttin’ you in the position where you might feel like you gotta break my heart all over again, but I promise you, I’m strong enough for it, ‘n I’ll figure out a way to move on for real, once I have my answer.

“But, Phel, I’m gonna tell it to ya loud ‘n clear, ‘cause I gotta. I wanna make sure you understand. I never stopped bein’ in love with you.”

Inexplicably, before he could even fully process the meaning of those words, tears began to fall from Aphelios’ eyes.

Understandably, Sett panicked.

“Phel, sweetheart,” Sett said without thinking, releasing Aphelios’ hands only so he could wipe his cheeks, his touch so tender. “Why’re you cryin’? Bunny, hey, why are you cryin’, did I say somethin’ wrong…”

In vain, he tried to open his mouth to speak, but the tears only came harder, enough to run down his chin and soak the collar of his shirt. Weeping too much to be coherent, not even sure of what he wanted to say in response to the most beautiful gift he’d ever been given, he could only let Sett guide him to his shoulder, holding him there as he cried.

Still, in between sobs, Aphelios tried to give his answer, his voice failing several times until finally, he calmed down. He voice broke, it was so hoarse, but he managed to choke out:

“I’m crying because… I still love you too.”

“Oh mooncake,” Sett’s gravelly voice was filled with emotion and audible passion, and in one swift motion, Aphelios found himself pulled into Sett’s lap, the Vastayan’s strength had not waned. Aphelios was now only inches away from his face, and Sett beckoned him to look him in the eyes. This close he felt so self-conscious of how his face had changed over the past months, how his eyes must be so swollen already, while Sett… Sett was more handsome than ever—

“I felt like a f*ckin’ idiot, all those months, the whole time you were emailin’ me,” Sett confessed in a murmur as he held Aphelios like the most precious treasure in the world, continuing to wipe his tears. “‘Cause even though I think I read our break-up convo about eight hundred times, it never really sunk in. I never really stopped feelin’ like your boyfriend. I never even took off the ring you gave me, which I know is real unfair—”

With a gentle finger pressed to Sett’s lips Aphelios silenced him, only long enough to reach underneath his sweater and pull a necklace free; the locket Sett had given him at the airport, with Aphelios’ matching couple ring kept safe on the chain beside it.

“Oh,” Sett whispered, his ears bent back, his cheeks a vivid pink. They were so close.

"There's just one thing you said that I really had a problem with," Aphelios said, adjusting in Sett's lap to straddle the Vastayan that was looking at him like he'd hung the moon. Aphelios tried to keep the smile off his face. "You said that you think you look like sh*t now. You are absolutely factually incorrect."

"Oh," Sett whispered again, and Aphelios swore he could hear a rumbling sound, not dissimilar to purring. Their cheeks were a matching rosy shade.

Smitten, Sett pulled Aphelios in closer, enough that he was sure they were about to kiss. But Sett hesitated, gazing at Phel's full lips with heavy-lidded eyes.

“These uh… with stuff like this… are we supposed to not rush anything…? What would be smart?”

“I don’t know, I’ve never broken up and gotten back together with someone before.”

“Yeah, I ain’t ever been broken up with ‘n then not been able to stop lovin’ the guy before, either. Definitely don’t wanna rush… not even somethin’ teeny-tiny, like a kiss… unless…?”

Aphelios held up a singular finger as his other hand navigated the familiar planes of Sett’s neck, wrapping in his thick, luxuriant hair. He knew what he wanted.

“Great point, mooncake… just one little kiss can’t hurt…”

Such a small moment, but it meant everything. Slowly, Sett leaned in, and kissed Aphelios.

A small moment, capable of making everything in the world feel right again.

🎶

Chapter 12: "Sweet Time" Porter Robinson

Chapter Text

My twitter, where you should definitely come say hi and see all the homesick extras I've got posted there: aphelionaphelia

Megi's twitter (who you should follow if you like feeling your eyes blessed): lordmegi

Here's the Homesick Soundtrack which NOW COMPLETE I CANT BELIEVE IT: spotify

HOMESICK

Chapter Twelve (Sett)

Sett couldn’t help it. He pressed his lips to Phel’s again, maybe just to make sure that this was really happening, that this wasn’t merely a wonderful dream. Even if he felt too good to be true, the Aphelios in his lap and in his hands and against his mouth was warm, and real.

He could have kept stealing little kisses forever, but Sett pulled back to bury his face in the crook of Phel’s neck, practically purring as he felt long, strong fingers thread through his hair and begin petting his ears.

“You smell the same, Mooncake.”

Aphelios laughed softly.

“A little different up front, like I can tell you’re usin’ a different shampoo. But underneath, it’s still you. I got a confession, but only if you don’t laugh at me.”

In between pets that Sett thought might actually kill him, he’d missed them so much, his ears picked up a gentle sound of assent. God, he’d missed Phel’s voice so much too, even these little sounds of his… especially these little sounds.

“In the airport when you hugged me, I took a big sniff,” Sett laughed. “Maybe it’s a Vastayan thing to do, but I wanted to see how much you’d changed. Dunno how I managed not to start f*ckin’ bawlin’ my eyes out when I could still smell that smell I got so used to.”

Aphelios gently lifted Sett’s face from his neck, suggesting ‘just one more kiss’ which Sett was only too happy to bestow upon him. “And what exactly do I smell like?”

“Hmm,” Sett pretended to think. “You got a warm, kinda creamy smell. Real natural though, like that sandalwood incense you used to use.”

Butterflies stirred deep in his gut as he realized that there was a high likelihood Sett would soon be able to experience sleeping in a bed where the sheets and pillows carried Phel’s fragrance. It was funny, these small domesticities of intimacy, that suddenly felt like they were what truly made life worth living. Sett had missed them so bad, it defied words.

Aphelios bent his head low, smelling Sett back, a little smile on his face. I don’t have a good enough nose to say something like sandalwood. But your hair smells great.

Sett suppressed the urge to take Aphelios hands in his and kiss every knuckle and fingertip. He’d missed how they looked when Aphelios signed.

“Another confession,” Sett co*cked a half-smile, not quite as embarrassed as he sounded. “I was totally gonna cut it until you said it looked good in one of your emails.”

Aphelios laughed. “I averted a tragedy and I didn’t even know it. But, you know, I liked it shorter, too. Either way, you’re very handsome.”

Sett had never gotten used to this trait of Phel’s, that sometimes he could bluntly state something that would set the beast-man’s heart thrumming and his cheeks burning.

“Speak for yourself,” he returned immediately, his hands running up and down Aphelios’ rock hard torso, the musculature pronounced even underneath the fleece sweater. “I may have wanted to slam Kayn’s stupid face against the restaurant table when he wouldn’t shut the f*ck up about how hot you are, but he was f*ckin’ right. You’re a total smokeshow, you were before too, but somehow ya pull off both like you were just born that way.”

I feel like I look like an asshole, Aphelios signed with a little quirk of his lip. Especially with my resting bitch face. I look like I beat up kids for their lunch money for fun.

“You should beat me up for fun,” Sett said without thinking before they both started laughing. “Sorry, doll. I’m gonna try to keep a lid on it, but I might be a little deranged for the next few days. Lotta unhelpful, pent-up thoughts, what with you bein’ such a babe ‘n the fact that you been feelin’ the same things I been feelin’ this whole time…”

Aphelios opened his mouth to speak, but second-guessed himself. The silence was still eloquent. It wasn’t hard to guess what they were both thinking of. Sett stirred in his pants, and before Aphelios could feel it, the beast-man gently guided him out of his lap, sitting him back beside him in the trunk of the Joop. The rain had mostly stopped, and twilight was dimming the clouds. For a moment, Sett could think of nothing other than making love with Phel right then and there, and need consumed him.

But he wanted to give Aphelios his space. They’d only just made up, and Sett would rather have punched himself in the nuts than give even the brief impression he was just interested in f*cking Phel again. He wanted to kiss him more, he wanted to fall asleep with him in his arms, he wanted to hear him laugh. He wanted to be his boyfriend again.

But what was the right timeline? Was it too soon?

“...Can I have one more kiss?” Sett allowed himself instead, as a treat for being able to control all of his other urges and desires. “Ya know, for the road.”

“You want to go home?” Aphelios asked, meeting Sett’s eyes only for an instant before he looked away. The tension seeped back in between them, both scary and exhilarating.

“...You wanna stay longer?” Sett checked, wondering if he was accurately reading between the lines, or just egregiously down bad.

“We can go if you want to.” Deliberately, Aphelios leaned in, cupping Sett’s jaw and pulling him into a lingering, but chaste kiss.

Unhelpfully, Sett’s body screamed with ardour, and he wanted to literally scream No! Let’s stay forever! He wanted to open his mouth and taste Aphelios again, fill his senses with him completely. But they’d already confessed they were still in love with each other, and kissed four times. Making out was probably at least a ‘day two’ activity of a reunion.

“I…” Sett was at a loss for words, a rare event. “I just… I wanna make sure we ain’t rushin’, you just got back home, lots of adjustments to make… I don’t want you to feel like we’re takin’ things too fast.”

Aphelios was silent for a little longer than a natural pause in a conversation, and he looked thoughtful.

“That sounds smart I guess,” he said at last, sounding unsure. Was that because he already felt rushed? Or because he was currently being tortured by the same incendiary feelings Sett could feel beginning to blaze?

Awkward silence fell again, though Aphelios gave him a sweet smile when they made eye contact. Without knowing what else to do, Sett scooted out of the open trunk of the Joop, helping Phel down safely, and collecting their empty hot chocolate cups. Both apparently tongue-tied, they buckled up, settled in, and began their drive back home.

All considered, Sett was still over the moon with how this little trip had gone. He glanced at the locket and ring resting on Aphelios’ sweater, and smiled. All of the months where his faith might have wavered but was never broken, all of it felt worth it and vindication was delicious. Even if Sett was ready for everything again right now, he could be patient. He was excited to see where this renewed relationship with Phel would go.

But he could also see that thoughtful little pout on Aphelios’ lips, and knew something was up. It only made sense; Sett might be fully ready, because he’d been waiting in their old life, ready for things to return back to the way they were always meant to be once Phel came home. But Aphelios was the one who had just had to relocate his whole life, and would be adjusting back out of a soldier’s highly regimented routine. To add romance back into the equation might just feel like too much…

With sudden clarity that was even more impressive for the battle raging inside him, Sett realized this was the exact kind of thing that they should communicate about openly, if they wanted to make sure they didn’t repeat the mistakes of the past, and to make sure they were both feeling comfortable. Instead of guessing at what had Phel’s mind so wrapped up, what harm would it cause to just address it?

“Can I level with ya, Phel?” Sett’s voice was full of affection and unsurety in equal parts as he adroitly navigated the mountain road curves.

Aphelios nodded, and turned down the radio. For some reason, that made Sett feel exponentially more nervous, and he started sweating as he felt ruby eyes watching him.

“I, uh… I dunno what to do, now. ‘Cause that talk we had just now on the mountain, bein’ able to kiss ya again, those are already kinda beyond my wildest dreams, ‘n I didn’t really have an actual plan after this… for me, I just wanna keep rebuildin’ what we had, I feel like we already been doin’ that since we started emailin’, but I dunno how you really feel about all this. I wanna make my intentions clear, ‘n I don’t wanna make you feel like it’s all on you, ‘n I definitely don’t wanna rush you into somethin’ you ain’t quite ready for. Like, we’re probably supposed to wait before we take things to the next level, right? …Like… figurin’ out if we’re gonna date again… do you… do you wanna date again?”

For a long moment, there was only silence as an answer. Maybe it was only a handful of seconds, but for Sett it felt like an eternity. His ears began to wilt.

Aphelios took a deep breath, and Sett braced. “There’s an old logging road up here, on the right. Can you turn onto it?”

Sett gulped, the irrational fear rearing its head that Aphelios was going to get him to park so he could deliver some kind of body blow, like he may love him still, but he didn’t think dating again was a good idea. He could feel his heart in his throat, perspiration slick on his palms. Still, he agreed, and soon, the specified road emerged on their side, and Sett turned into the overgrown darkness.

Trees and tall grasses were thick here, and plentiful weeds grew up through the gravel. Sett had never paid attention to this road before, but it was clear it was thoroughly isolated and abandoned. To be honest, it felt a little creepy, with the Joop’s headlights as the only illumination. Probably fifty metres off the main road, Aphelios said this was fine, and Sett parked, wondering if these random eucalyptus trees would bear witness to the breaking of his heart.

It was still very quiet in the car. The rain had stopped, but raindrops would shake loose from the narrow leaves above them, and plunk in staccato taps against the roof cover. Steeling himself, Sett turned to Aphelios, and met his gaze.

“I already know what I want,” Aphelios told him, quiet confidence in his voice, and even in the nighttime darkness, his eyes shone. “I want everything with you. I’m ready for everything with you.”

It was impossible to tell who moved first, whose idea the kiss really was, but it hardly mattered, Sett's mouth was soon full of Phel’s tongue, their hands at each other’s jaw, pulling even closer in an effort to appease the deep, coursing hunger resonating between them both. A moment later, Phel had unbuckled his seatbelt and turned to get even closer, and the beast-man could not help the melted, undignified moan that escaped from his throat. He could feel how Phel’s lips sharpened into a smile against his.

Despite the awkwardness of making out in a car, Sett was thanking his lucky stars for how roomy the vehicle was, improved even further by the unobtrusive centre compartment. Aphelios was very talented, finding ways to wriggle ever nearer, and though it couldn’t be especially comfortable, both were far beyond caring. The strength Sett could feel just in Phel’s hands, the way they gently but firmly pulled fistfuls of his hair, guided him closer, or tipped his face so Aphelios could kiss him deeper felt like it was liquifying Sett’s brain—

Until those hands abruptly roamed lower, underneath Sett’s jacket. Without meaning to and cursing himself immediately for the involuntary reaction, Sett’s whole body hitched, and he pulled away from the kiss. It was just for a split second, but Aphelios had always been perceptive, and he was not going to let it slide. The Vastayan’s heart sank as his lover disengaged completely, panting slightly.

“I’m sorry,” Aphelios said immediately. “Is this too fast? Please tell me if it feels too fast.”

Before Sett could protest, Aphelios’s brow darkened with emotion, and he averted his eyes. “I just... Please stop me if I’m doing anything that hurts you, in any way. I never want to hurt you ever again, Sett.”

Aphelios might have said more, but he shut his swollen lips tightly, and steadfastly stared at the centre console, looking like he was burning up with shame.

“No, babe, listen to me,” Sett rushed to clarify, reaching for one of Phel’s hands, unwinding it from a tightly balled fist to hold it. “You didn’t do anything wrong. You’re not hurting me. I don’t feel rushed, or pressured, I want this so bad, I’m probably feelin’ even crazier than you right now. It’s just… ah, f*ck…”

At least Aphelios was looking at him with curiosity now, and that awful shade of self-loathing in his beautiful face had dimmed. Still, this felt humiliating.

“I’m just… real self-conscious, still. You were going for my shirt, ‘n I… I just don’t want you to feel my flab. And I forgot to book a waxing appointment in time…. Especially when you’re that f*ckin’ beautiful, I feel like a hairy hog. I got a gut, now.”

It was Sett’s turn to look away, mortified. He’d ruined the moment twice over, but honesty was far better than letting Aphelios think he’d somehow crossed a boundary already.

All of a sudden, an in a single, fluid motion that was astonishingly graceful, Aphelios used the crossbar of the Joop roof the maneuver himself across the car, and sit himself squarely in Sett’s lap, straddling him in the driver’s seat, staring down at him, as uncompromising as a god.

Sett’s dick throbbed so hard, he nearly cried out. Aphelios had to have felt it, and if the wicked glint in his eyes and millimetre of a smile was enough evidence to go by, he surely did. As for the rest of Sett’s bones, they were no match for Phel’s power, turning into jello, useless.

Underneath the man he adored, sunken deep into the front seat, Sett was in heaven.

Aphelios bent forward, and pressed a bossy kiss to his beast-man’s mouth, the kisses slowly travelling across Sett’s cheek, down his neck. As Phel’s tongue and teeth worked at tender skin, his hands slowly, tentatively tried for the hem of his shirt again, ready to be stopped at any moment, but Sett braced himself, and permitted those fingers under the fabric, tensing as he felt them navigate the parts he felt so ashamed of.

…The tension didn’t last long. It couldn’t, not when Phel began grinding his hips like that, leaving a bold love bite in a place where everyone would see it as he fondled the ample flesh of Sett’s chest, drawing forth another guttural moan as he pinched his nipples. Soon, there wasn’t an inch of the Vastayan’s torso that those hands hadn’t explored, groping, caressing—full of hunger and unrepentant.

“I think you’re the sexiest person I’ve ever seen,” Aphelios whispered to him, and when Sett heard those words, he believed them. Fiercely, he kissed Aphelios, clamping his hands over his hips, making Phel grind against his pained erection even harder. Aphelios’ voice sparked to life, and a breathless, visceral grunt fell from his lips. Sett nearly came in his pants.

Impulsively, and partially because he might pass out if he got hotter, Sett begged for a pause, pulling roughly at his jacket and shirt, letting Aphelios help him out of it and urgently fumbling with the window button, fresh air rushing in, smelling of rain. Even in just the slight glow from the car console, with the benefit of his slitted pupils he saw just how Aphelios’ face transformed with lust as he looked at him, eyes roving his naked torso with a ravenous glitter. Sett had never felt so desired, and now, the notion he had ever felt self-conscious seemed the be the silliest thing conceivable.

God, Sett had missed this the most—what it felt like to have Aphelios’ eyes on him, and feel love radiating, subtle and sublime. Sett had missed being loved by Aphelios so much that he marvelled he’d been able to survive without feeling it. He’d ached for him, had been so homesick for him.

“...I wanna make love to you so bad, Mooncake,” Sett blurted, his rationality dimmed by the flood of serotonin. Then, caution catching up to him, he added hastily, “later, I mean, when you’re ready, of course—”

“Sett,” Aphelios replied, his tone blunt enough that, for a moment, it was as prickling as the cold breeze. “We can make love later. Right now, f*ck me.”

“Oh,” Sett said dumbly, a wet spurt of pre-cum dampening his briefs, his pupils blowing wide. “Um…”

Aphelios’ bossiness softened, and he laughed affectionately when he saw how he’d short-circuited the poor beast-man. Still, decisively, he opened the car door, stripped his pants and underwear, and happily climbed atop Sett once more.

Evidently, he didn’t even want to wait to relocate to the much wider trunk or even the backseat, Aphelios wanted to ride Sett right then and there. With his last functional brain cells, Sett wondered if he’d live through it.

“I don’t… oh f*ck—” Sett began to pant as Aphelios undid the front of his jeans, the small blessing of finally freeing his tortured, swollen co*ck was counteracted by the new test of feeling it rubbing against Phel’s own. “Babe, I’m sorry, but—oh, Jesus Christ, if you do that again I’ll blow. I didn’t think we’d—I don’t got anything with me, no condoms or lube or nothin’... wait! Hang on…”

Normally, it would have been impressive for Sett to remember something with such sudden clarity when his nervous system was so embattled, but this burst of insight could mainly be attributed to how direly he wanted to obey Aphelios, and f*ck him right then and there.

“My wallet, in my jacket… I think I got those little lube packets in there, might be expired though ‘cause they been in there since before you left—”

“I was ready to use your spit if we had to.” Aphelios was back to being blunt as he pressed against Sett, rummaging through the jacket that had somehow ended up discarded halfway into the backseat.

“Good f*ckin’ god, Phel, you can’t just say sh*t like that,” Sett babbled, thick, sticky fluid dribbling from his tip and smearing everywhere. “I mean, I rubbed one out before I picked you up—wait, I mean, for clarity, so I wouldn’t be thinkin’ with my dick, at least, not as much, but—I ain’t gotten any since you, you gotta show me some mercy here or else I’m just gonna make a mess!”

Aphelios chuckled, sitting back, the providential lube packets between his fingertips.

“Sorry, Sun Wolf,” he murmured, slowing down and kissing Sett with adoration. “I’m just excited. You drive me crazy too. I missed you.”

“Oh Phel,” Sett obediently held out his hand as Aphelios poured the contents of one of the packets into it. “This can’t be real, can it?”

“I’m still not sure myself,” Phel whispered, relaxing heavily against Sett’s body, cuddling into his neck as the Vastaya reached behind him. “I’m greedy, though. I don’t know if I deserve it, but I want it.”

For a moment, they focused on the task at hand, Sett warning that he was about to push his fingers inside. Phel’s hole was tight— so tight—but still, their bodies remembered each other too well, and Sett had soon slipped his middle finger inside, down to the knuckle.

“...You think you don’t deserve this?” Sett asked, a second finger inside, curling deviously, pulling breathy moans from Aphelios already.

“...Any of this,” Aphelios clarified, before accepting doting kisses, sighing and gritting his teeth in turns as Sett worked inside of him.

“You do,” Sett promised him. “You deserve the world… maybe I’m pathetic for pinin’ like this for you this whole time, people said I was an idiot for waitin’, but I just wanted a second chance. I wanted to give you a second chance.”

“That’s not pathetic,” Aphelios said, clutching a fistful of Sett’s hair, writhing as he was opened wider, probed deeper. “This… this second chance is one of the kindest things anyone’s ever done for me.”

Smiling and nuzzling against Phel, Sett’s nose was full of the warm, creamy smell of Phel’s skin, intensifying with the heat between their bodies. Who knew how Aphelios wasn’t boiling to death in that sweater, but it felt like a small crime that Sett couldn’t easily peel it off and lick every inch of Phel’s sweat-slicked skin.

“Well, you trustin’ me with what you said in those emails was one of the most special things anyone’s ever done for me,” Sett punctuated his meaning with a hard press of his fingers that left Phel gasping in his ear. “That’s why even when it was hard, it was easy, once we were talkin’ again. I wanted this second chance just as bad as you.”

“But promise… promise you’ll tell me, okay?” Aphelios was getting breathless. “I promise I won’t let you down. I want to be different. But please tell me—ah!—tell me, if I hurt you, if you see me slip back… to old habits… because I’m going to change. I swear it…”

“I’ll tell ya, bunny. I’m a braver man now too, ‘n I’ll be changin’ with ya… we get to start fresh, I promise…” Half of this commitment was spoken against Phel’s lips, between devouring, sloppy kisses. If it was weird to be talking about stuff like this while prepping for sex, with the taste of each other filling their mouths like this, neither of them could be bothered to care.

Just as he could feel Aphelios nod against the crook of his neck, a couple hot tears damp on Sett’s shoulder from when Sett’s fingers had squeezed them out, Sett wickedly flexed his fingers again, pressing and rubbing the bundle of nerves he could feel engorging at his touch. Aphelios gasped again and swore, muscles going rigid, and Sett could feel his lover’s arousal get slippery where it was sliding against his stomach.

“You ready, sweetheart?” Sett’s brain was goo; conflicted between the astonishing miracle that he was about to be inside Aphelios again, and how, against all odds, intimacy still felt so natural and familiar between them. They looked into each others’ faces, eyes unfocused; a delirious, blissful folie à deux.

When Phel nodded Sett helped him up, Aphelios reaching for the roof crossbar for support. The second lube packet was slicked up and down Sett’s co*ck, so rock hard that it might have passed for a medical emergency, if he could have felt worry in that moment.

Sett’s heart began to thunder as he pressed against Phel’s swollen, fever-hot hole. Here, he finally had his moment of internal crisis, hesitating in the face of his personal heaven because how could he cope? But Aphelios did not hesitate, and he sunk down hard, taking the entirety of Sett’s length in one motion, too fast.

“f*ck!” Sett cried out, the syllable slurred and raw. In an instant, all of the blood in his body seemed to rush to his groin, magma hot, leaving him woozy; even so he still felt dim, but coherent worry that Phel was going to hurt himself. “Slow, bunny, please—go slower…”

But Phel was already rolling his hips, looking drunk and gripping the crossbar for dear life, his chest heaving.

“Holy motherf*cking sh*t,” Sett whined through gritted teeth, also holding on for dear life, “you’re so f*ckin’ tight Phel, you’re suckin’ me up inside ya ‘n if you don’t slow down I’m gonna f*ckin’ bust!”

I can’t help it,” Aphelios apologized, his voice beginning to go hoarse. “It feels too good, oh god—”

“f*ckkkk,” Sett’s capacity for language was beginning to get monosyllabic. “I f*ckin’ love you Phel, you feel so f*ckin’ good, I missed you so much, I love you…”

I love you too, Aphelios signed, presumably because his voice was about to stop working, but a long, protracted moan tore from his guts when Sett punched a spot deep inside, and despite the beast-man’s warning, Aphelios began to pick up the pace, addicted.

“Phel, one more thing, I gotta ask one more thing...” There was no rational reason for why Sett had to ask this now, but his impulse control was non-existent, and aside from the dire necessity to cum and make Aphelios cum, this was the only thing Sett still needed. “Will you be my boyfriend again? Please?”

A tattered laugh. Yes, Aphelios signed. Of course. Yes.

Much to his embarrassment, Sett’s dick reacted for him, pulsing powerfully against Phel’s walls. It was purely by the grace of god, or more likely, due to wisely taking care of his needs earlier that day, that Sett didn’t explode in that same instant, when they’d hardly even started.

“Don’t you dare cum yet,” Aphelios croaked out, a glint in his eye and an imperious smile tugging at his lips. If he wanted Sett to have a chance of obeying, it was very foolish and counterproductive for Aphelios to lift his sweater, holding it up and out of the way with his teeth, revealing his masterpiece of a body as he began to f*ck Sett in earnest.

Heroically, Sett tried his best, even as the truck started rocking, even as Phel’s ragged voice began to fill the small space again; Sett, Sett, Sett —over and over Aphelios called out his lover’s name, in fact, the Vastayan could hardly remember a time when Aphelios had been this vocal. Sett, by contrast, felt like a beast, incapable of little more than inarticulate growling and pawing and scratching and biting.

But even this rudimentary multitasking became too demanding as Aphelios truly hit his stride, riding Sett like his life f*cking depended on it, muscles rippling, the crossbar clenched in one hand, a fistful of Sett’s hair gripped in the other. Sett was melted into the seat, unable to make a decision to do something as simple as move his hands from where they were bruising Phel’s waist, hardly competent enough to remember to breathe. He had never been f*cked like this.

It was a sort of erotic solipsism, except instead of being the centre of his own universe, he could only be sure that the centre was actually Aphelios, and that in that moment, he existed solely for, and because of, the ecstasy he was giving his boyfriend. The sum total of his consciousness as Phel bounced up and crashed down and called his name was an absolutely brainless awareness that this felt, in a word, incredible.

Perhaps it was only thanks to the fact that Phel had essentially f*cked him into a trance that Sett lasted as long as he did.

“I’m so close,” Phel said, breaking the spell abruptly, and the critical, overwhelming need to org*sm exploded in his body, as vicious as a collision.

“Hold on,” Aphelios begged, roiling against Sett’s co*ck, Sett was so deep inside him, churning him until—

“Sett!” Aphelios’ voice rang out, breaking half-way through, a wail that echoed out the window and into the trees. There was no holding on through that, and Sett came so violently that for a split second, his entire body went numb, from his toes to the tips of his ears, a lethal electric current paralyzing him, his heart, his lungs, his tongue—the only movement was the exchange of seemingly everything emptying from his body and into Phel.

When Phel slammed down a couple extra times even while Sett was pouring into him, Sett really felt like he might be dying, and desperately, he gasped for air, his heart threatening to pop with every frenetic beat, but finally, Aphelios found his own cataclysmic release, and spilled torrentially onto Sett’s stomach and higher, forceful enough to paint his tit*.

Eighteen months of celibacy was, apparently, one hell of a drug.

Utterly, thoroughly satisfied, Aphelios collapsed onto Sett, unable to care about the mess, though he’d cum so much, his sweater had been doomed no matter what he did. For a long time, they were only capable of doing two things: Aphelios finally took off his hat, his hair glistening with sweat, and Sett somehow found the energy to hold him tight.

With the soft, intermittent plunking of stray raindrops and rustling wind through the trees to fill the silence, they caught their breath in each other’s arms.

“...Don’t your legs hurt, mooncake?” Aphelios was still straddling him, and though the Joop was a large car with spacious seats, Phel’s legs were long, and had been folded awkwardly on either side for a while.

“Yeah,” Aphelios replied in a gravely voice that cut out halfway through. “Just a bit longer, though.”

By way of agreement, Sett kissed his head, stroking Phel’s spiky hair, wondering if he minded, but the other made no move to stop him.

“God, I really missed doin’ that with you,” Sett confessed. “You feel so different now, too. In a good way,” he rushed to clarify, realizing how that might sound. “I love both. Either way, you feel incredible.”

The compliment was met with a long silence, so long, that worry began to peek through the blissed out fuzz in Sett’s skull, before Aphelios finally spoke.

“I was scared,” he admitted, his abused voice breaking again. “I was scared you wouldn’t recognize me. I mean, do you?”

Aphelios sat up, looking him, agonized. “How can you be sure you love me still, when I’ve changed so much?”

The question was merely that, not an accusation, and Sett could easily hear the deep melancholy underneath. It made him sad that Aphelios needed to ask, but it made him happy that he would… that he would give Sett the chance to respond. There was a time when it would have been just as likely Aphelios would have pretended there was nothing on his mind. It made no difference that they were still in such an intimate position, talking about this; if anything, Sett himself was feeling intensely emotional after sex like that, too.

“Well,” he began, speaking slowly and sweetly, “I do think we’re gonna need to take our time and get to know each other again a little… stuff like, are you a morning person now, after all those crack o’ dawn wake ups? And you gotta see my apartment, ‘cause it’s pretty different from my old room. Some things have definitely changed.

“But,” he smiled, reaching to caress Phel’s jaw, “the man I’m holdin’ right now is still very much the same Aphelios I fell in love with. There’re little differences here and there for sure, like you’ve got this new presence to ya, a real strength, ‘n not just physical. But you’re familiar to me. The moment I saw ya, I recognized you in there, there ain’t been a single moment I felt like a stranger had come home. Every single instinct I got is tellin’ me that I know you as well as I think I do, ‘n that it’s safe to trust you. And actually, when you think about it, my track record of bein’ right about you is pretty damn good.”

Surprisingly, none of this seemed to reassure Aphelios, and instead, Sett could see tears begin to glisten in his eyes, startling him.

“How can you say that, when I left you?” Again, there was no accusation in Phel’s tone, just heartbreak… just the desire to understand something he was struggling with so deeply.

“Sweetheart, you already apologized for that, I already forgave you, ‘n that’s months ‘n months in the past, ‘n you’ve spent just as long provin’ to me that you’re changin’, that you wanna grow, and you wanna grow with me. It’s been a real long time that I’ve known you didn’t leave me for a lack of love.”

I never stopped loving you, Aphelios assured him, though he still looked miserable.

"I know, I could feel it, ‘n that’s why I refused to give up or force myself to stop lovin’ you, too. But you’re gonna have to promise me one thing if we’re gonna make this work. ‘Kay?” Asked with a tender kiss, and caressing, comforting hands.

Anything.

“You gotta work on acceptin’ that you, just like everyone else, just like me… you deserve to be loved back. You deserve to be happy, ‘n that’s all I want for ya. I’m not beggin’ you to be my boyfriend again so you can spend the rest of your life apologizin’ ‘n beatin’ yourself up ’n grovelin’ to me, I wanna be with you because I adore you, ‘n all I want in return is for you to love me back, ‘n to let me love you. Simple as that.”

Aphelios looked at him, listening, before he nodded solemnly, and with the motion, a tear fell.

I will, I promise. I’m sorry, I think I’m just feeling overwhelmed, I feel too lucky, I feel so happy to be back home, to find out that I didn’t f*ck up my life forever… that I didn’t ruin the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I already told my therapist that I wanted to work on this doubt, this part of me that sabotages something good. I feel like that’s what I’m doing now, sabotaging this moment… but… thank you for being patient with me.

Sett grinned, smitten, before he kissed the tear track on Phel’s pretty face. “Do you not realize that this is like my dream come true? This ain’t sabotage, this is the opposite. You’re lettin’ me in, you’re talkin’ me through what’s in your head, you’re lettin’ me reassure you. I’ll always be happy to reassure you. You’ve already grown so much, ‘n I saw it in your emails, ‘n I’m seeing it in every moment now. That’s why I feel safe lovin’ you.”

Sett watched the expressions progress across Aphelios’ face, so readable and open for him. He saw his words get heard, he saw them settle, and he saw how they were accepted… believed. He felt incredibly proud of Phel, and more in love than ever.

“Thank you,” Aphelios strained his voice to say, cupping Sett’s face in his hands and kissing him deeply, before he had to break away to sign again. I want you to know something though. I had already made that promise to myself. I promised myself before I came here, because even if you had moved on, even if all we could have been was colleagues, I still wanted to do this, for me. I want to be better. I don’t want to be the type of person capable of hurting someone like you. And, honestly, I want to be happy. I want to stop running from everything.

“That’s amazin’ mooncake,” Sett purred, hugging him tight around the middle. “You’re amazin’. And remember, I had to do the same, I had to make the same peace with myself for hurtin’ you, ‘n it’s a work in progress. So don’t forget that we both got stuff, ‘cause you tend to take it all on those shoulder of yours, ‘n while they’re pretty f*ckin’ big ‘n strong now, this isn’t just on you. This isn’t a question of you alone needin’ to figure sh*t out, ‘cause that too easily becomes you feelin’ like this is some kinda shortcoming on your part, somethin’ I gotta put up with, instead of work on with ya, ‘n enjoy the process.”

Stunned silence, and a few blinks of wide, ruby eyes.

“Hit ya with a bit of a truth bomb, huh? Was I right on the money?”

Phel’s cheeks went red, and he broke into a cheeky, relaxed smile. Well, your therapist is certainly earning their hourly fee. I might just be persuaded that you do know me a little, after all.

“A little!?” Sett pretended to be outraged. “‘A little,’ he says. I’m gonna squish you!”

Don’t do that, Aphelios teased, I think you came in me so much that if you squish me, it’ll ruin the upholstery… more than it’s already ruined. How are we even going to clean this up?

Sett laughed heartily, caught totally off guard, and, unhelpfully, feeling his co*ck twitch with fresh arousal at the mention of how he’d filled Phel.

“You know, maybe we should try havin’ this conversation again when I’m not inside ya. But don’t worry about clean up, I always keep wet wipes stocked in the glove box.”

Aphelios looked at him dubiously. Wet wipes?

“Is that so weird? They come in handy after the gym.” Aphelios wasn’t buying it. “Okay, fine. I keep ‘em in the car ‘cause I got a real nasty habit of eating drive thru food, real foul, greasy sh*t, ‘n I was gettin’ oily paw prints all over the interior. But it works out now, ‘cause we don’t have to wait till we get back to the city to get all this sh*t off us. So, no judgin’ the wet wipes. Alright, up you get…”

With his own easy strength, Sett opened the door and carefully got both himself and Aphelios out of the car, pulling out and feeling no small amount of pride and ardour when he heard heavy drips of his own spend plop onto the road from his boyfriend that was still spread.

Some primal, animal impulse inside of him was deeply satiated; Aphelios was his again, inside and out.

The package of wet wipes was significantly depleted as they cleaned each other up, there was a large damp patch in the front of Sett’s jeans were fluids had already leaked or smeared while they were f*cking, and perhaps a little too pleased with himself, Sett announced that he’d really made a mess of Phel’s hole.

“I ain’t gonna lie, though,” Sett said once they were finally redressed and the worst of the damage had been wiped up in the car, “I don’t think in a million years, if you asked me to guess how our first time again would be, that I woulda thought it would be like this. You ridin’ me like that in a f*ckin’ car, like damn …”

Sett had had plenty of car sex in his lifetime though it was almost exclusively in assorted backseats, and he’d never been a big fan. And yet—

“I think that was one of the hottest things that’s ever happened to me.”

They grinned at each other as Aphelios explained he simply couldn’t have waited any longer, Sett cuddling him as they leaned against the side of the truck, the clouds beginning to break apart. Through them, the full moon shone, and for a while, Sett fancied it was all for their benefit alone—the moon was their own private mirrorball. In such a magical moment, the chill in the air was only just beginning to affect him, but in his arms, he felt Aphelios shiver. Sett leaned down, whispering in a low rumble into Phel’s ear:

“...Hey, bunny… wanna come over to my place ‘n do it again?”

Sett watched Aphelios wet his lips before he raised on his tiptoes, whispering back, “only once?”

“Get in the f*ckin' car, mooncake,” Sett ordered jokingly, his tail beginning to thunk against the car with a dull metallic sound as it wagged. “We’re gonna get the f*ck outta here ‘n pray I don’t get pulled over for speedin’ on the way home.”

Not too fast , Sett watched Aphelios sign as they got back into the Joop, Sett sparking the engine to life, feeling like he was on top of the f*cking world. I don’t want to die before I can even f*ck my new boyfriend a second time.

Sett’s ears flattened, and he felt an abruptly growing ache in his crotch.

“Well some things sure don’t change,” he growled affectionately as he did a three-point turn to (safely) get back on the main road, “‘cause apparently I still ain’t ever quite prepared for what comes outta your mouth. Not sure I’m ever gonna be able to handle you, Phel.”

You love it, Aphelios signed before Sett stepped on the gas, and they were off on their way home.

“I most certainly do, Phel. I most certainly f*ckin’ do.”

🎶

Sett whistled cheerfully, waiting with the car windows rolled down, watching pedestrians and traffic pass by, ignoring the paparazzi he could see waiting with him, watching him back. It was downright balmy for an October day, something transplanted from summer, and Sett was in a fantastic mood.

It got even better when he spotted Aphelios coming out of his therapist’s office, looking around for where his boyfriend had parked, lighting up when he saw Sett waving at him. He was in his favourite skirt, wearing it for the first time after months of accompanying Sett and K’Sante to the gym, learning new exercises that kept his muscle lean and flexible, smaller than the hulking mass he’d returned as from the military. His makeup was perfect too, but his best accessory was the beaming smile he had for Sett, that adorable little gap in his teeth only made moreso for the new pair of dolphin bite piercings below it, finally healed after an excruciating six weeks of not being able to kiss properly.

“Hi darlin’,” Sett beamed as Aphelios got in the passenger seat. “Good appointment today?”

“Mmhm, thank you for picking me up,” Aphelios said as he set his bag between his feet, before leaning over, and pulling Sett into a long, sweet kiss. Beyond the windshield, camera flashes went insane.

Sett was more than content to let Aphelios kiss him as long as he wished, and when Phel finally pulled away, Sett was still smiling. Aphelios always looked beautiful, but he was glowing today.

“Want me to get out and punch a few of ‘em?” Sett jerked his head in the direction of the paps, joking around as he waited for Aphelios to buckle up.

“They’ll get tired of it eventually,” Aphelios sighed dramatically, probably even less enthused about all the attention than he was letting on, but still looking cheerful. “It’s only been a month since we went public, so it’s still exciting for them. Soon, it’ll be some other couple.”

“Just know I’m always ready to throw down if you change your mind, hehe.” Sett pulled out of his parking spot, merging into traffic and beginning to navigate back to their penthouse, thinking off-handedly, of all things, of those fanfiction writers he’d read ages ago. He hoped, wherever they were, at least a few of them had popped some bottles once they’d seen their favourite mute musician come out and confirm he was, indeed, dating his bandmate.

“Not bad,” Sett said in response to Aphelios asking him how his day had been so far. “Kinda productive, actually. I booked the dog-sitter for Donut for the whole time we’re on tour, ‘n Mrs. Brown said she’s happy to reduce her regular cleanin’ schedule, but she’ll drop in every mornin’ to keep an eye on the place instead. She’ll make sure the fish are fed, ‘n she’ll keep the plants watered.”

“Thank you for doing all that,” Aphelios reached out and rested his hand on the beast-man’s thigh, squeezing affectionately. “That’s a huge worry taken care of.”

“No problem. It was kinda excitin’ to be able to do that, maybe it’ll get old some day, but for now it’s still pretty fun to take care of my little family in our fancy new penthouse. Did you get your virtual sessions sorted?”

Aphelios nodded. “Dr. Alvarez said I could make video call appointments if I needed to, but she thinks I’ll be fine. But she even said that for the week we’re in Korea, she’d take a call after her regular hours, in case I need some extra support…”

Finally, like clouds covering the moon, Aphelios dimmed a little, looking unhappy and staring out the window. His fingers that had been drawing slow, small designs on Sett’s leg went still.

“You okay?” Sett checked. “What’s eatin’ at ya, doll?

Need a minute, Aphelios signed in Sett’s view, before sitting back in his chair, beginning to pick at the cuffs of his sweater and wring his hands in his lap. Wordlessly, Sett reached out and patted them gently before returning both hands to the wheel, waiting patiently for Aphelios to collect his thoughts.

“I talked a lot about it today with her,” Aphelios began finally. “I told Dr. Alvarez that I just don’t feel ready to see my parents yet, and I thought she might push me, like some kind of exposure therapy, but she actually said it’s okay if I decide I never want to see them again. I thought I might be ready by now… but that email they sent Alune when I went on Twooter and said you’re my boyfriend…

“It made me feel so much shame. They can still make me feel scared. Small, I guess. And I don’t feel ashamed of us, or who I am, so I just… I feel like it’s not safe to be around them yet, if they can…” Aphelios paused, searching for the words, “if they can still trigger that feeling of failure, when I know that being your boyfriend is one of the best things that’s ever happened to me, then it’s not safe.”

“Aw, sweetheart…” Sett reached, gently disentangling one of Phel’s hands from the other, pulling it back onto his leg so he could hold it. “That email was a nasty piece o’ work, you shouldn’t feel a shred of shame or failure, not over you ‘n me, not over nothin’, but especially not over feelin’ like you don’t wanna see ‘em. I don’t f*ckin’ blame ya one little bit, ‘n I’m glad to hear your doc ain’t pushin’ you into it.”

“Yeah, she’s helping me give myself permission to cut them out forever, if I need to. I’ve always felt so guilty over it, but she said, especially since they’re still in the cult, that I have the right to protect myself. It’s just…”

“What, bunny?” Sett coaxed gently, compassionate, and yet glowing with pride at all his boyfriend had just trusted him with.

"I’m worried you’ll feel like I don’t want to introduce you to them, that I’m too scared and so I just want to avoid it or something… I know it doesn’t make sense… if I ever wanted to see my parents again, I promise that I would not hide you, for any reason.”

The Vastayan chuckled out of sheer fondness, squeezing Aphelios’ hand again, the one that wore their matching ring. “You ain’t got a thing to worry about. You declared that I’m your boyfriend to the whole wide world, I know you ain’t ashamed of me, or some kinda coward. You just kissed me back there in front of all those paps, bold as brass! The way I see it, you don’t owe your parents a goddamn thing, ‘n whatever you decide, I’m here for ya.”

Aphelios hummed thoughtfully, brightening again. “Thank you. I’m here for you too. Though, life is pretty good, isn’t it?”

Grinning toothily, Sett agreed emphatically that it ‘most certainly f*ckin’ was.’

As if divinely timed, Heartsteel’s latest single started playing on the radio, a song called Lose My Breath that had been appointed as the song of the summer, though it was still topping the charts and they were now well into Fall.

“It’s especially good when your boyfriend writes the biggest song of the year,” Sett declared, cranking up the volume and singing along without embarrassment as Aphelios watched him, giggling.

Perhaps the best part of Lose My Breath was that Aphelios had written the song years ago, and, somewhat unintentionally at the time, had written it about Sett. It had languished as a draft, overlooked in favour of Paranoia which was more suitable as a debut, since they hadn’t wanted to come out of the gates with some kind of loverboy concept they couldn’t shake, but thankfully it had not been deleted after Ezreal had convinced Aphelios to keep it.

While working on their latest album, Aphelios had found it again, and with some tweaking like changing the gravely electric guitar to a more acoustic sound, they’d all agreed that now was the perfect time for it. Even Yone had sung a verse for this one, and Aphelios had put in a little easter egg; including a singular line of his vocals, singing I’m out of breath as an echo and with distortion. Even so, perceptive Heartbeats had started good-natured conspiracy theories over who exactly it was singing at 1:11. Lose my Breath was shaping up to be one Heartsteel’s biggest hits ever.

Aphelios had to know it was coming, he was already laughing and pretending to shy away as the verse approached, but Sett rapped his favourite part at his boyfriend with unfettered enthusiasm and as much gusto as was safe while still operating a motor vehicle nonetheless:

Honestly, how could it be like this?
It feels like I'm thirsty even if I taste your lips
Oh, God, I cannot breathe, how could you do this to me?
I'm out of breath, no oxygen, but you're burning me—

“Sheesh!” They both yelled in sync, laughing, singing, and doing little wiggling dances in their seats, hamming it up for no one but themselves, until the song was over and they were nearly breathless with mirth.

Eventually they settled back into easy, relaxed silence, faces in permanent grins. Sett turned the radio back down because, unfortunately for them, none of the other songs had the advantage of being bangers written by Aphelios Ahn.

They were almost home when Aphelios turned to Sett, looking at him with a very adorable, expectant energy.

“When we go to Korea though… would you want to see the town Alune and I were born in?” he asked, as if the answer wouldn’t be abundantly obvious. “There’s a forest we used to play in before we moved that I’d really like to see again, and Alune looked it up, and the old tea shop we used to get snacks at is still open. Can I take you there?”

“Phel,” Sett said, effervescent with joy, “I would love to go there with you.”

Looking back on their first tour that had taken them to Korea together, compared to now, it felt like they’d both lived through several lifetimes in between; the men they’d been then so different to who they were now in so many ways, and yet in others, they were exactly the same.

As Sett pulled into their private parking spot, he paused, looking over at his boyfriend, who was wearing a little smile.

“You look radiant, mooncake. I think you’re happier than I’ve ever seen you, ‘n it’s comin’ from inside ya now. It’s great.”

Aphelios leaned into Sett’s caress on his cheek, blushing a little.

“I don’t think I’ve ever been happy like this,” he agreed. “Even when things are hard, I just feel like… I’m strong enough to deal with it now. I don’t use up all my energy running… and I guess it feels like there’s a lot less I would even need to run from. I never thought I could be so happy.”

In that moment, Sett could have cried. His heart was far too full.

“Of course, it helps to have the most amazing, loving man in the entire universe as my best friend and my boyfriend. That might be a pretty big factor. He’s someone crazy enough to put up with every version of me.”

Yep, Sett was going to cry if this kept going. “I love every version of you, Phel.”

Aphelios’ blush deepened, and he pulled his beast-man in for another kiss.

“What about you?” he asked softly. “Are you happy?”

Sett half-laughed, half cleared his tightening throat. “When I got a guy like you tellin’ me things like I’m amazin’ and loving—”

“And devastatingly handsome—”

“And devastatingly handsome?” Sett echoed, “yeah, I’m happy, mooncake. Beyond my wildest dreams.”

🎶

Epilogue

It was a gorgeous, warm spring day, and cherry blossom petals were dancing on the breeze, as if Sett had paid the trees to be props for his big day. Honestly, it felt like everything was a piece on a movie set, curated to perfection, that’s how good it had been. The botanical gardens were the perfect setting, the weather had been perfect, the ceremony had been perfect, the reception was wrapping up perfectly.

But there was one part of it that was more perfect than the rest.

Sett turned to Aphelios, watching him chat with Alune who had been seated at his other side at the wedding table.

Whatever they were talking about didn’t even register, Sett’s hearing dimming and his field of vision narrowing till Aphelios’ smile was the centre of the universe, as it always had been.

Who knew how long he was just sitting there, staring at him, but eventually Alune got up to go dance again, a second slice of wedding cake half-eaten still on her plate which she assured her brother she would be coming back for later, and Aphelios turned back to his Vastayan.

“Hi husband,” Sett smiled at him, tucking some of this long, turquoise hair behind his ear.

“Hello, husband,” Aphelios grinned back, letting Sett pull him close, leaning against his shoulder as the two of them spent a moment looking out at the party, their closest friends and family all boisterously celebrating, some of them dancing, some of them standing and talking with drinks, others sitting outside under the cherry trees and watching the sunset. There was still much more party to be had, but for now, the two newlyweds took a beat to rest, in their own private world.

His arm around Aphelios, Sett began humming notes from the song they’d had as their first dance, hardly realizing he was doing it.

So take a long time
Oh, the world is lucky to be your home, I know
I need a next life
Not satisfied to know you just once

“...Kiss me,” Aphelios murmured when Sett was done, and they turned to each other like sunflowers turn to the sun.

The sweet, removed quiet of their private little moment was interrupted by a gleeful shriek, followed by the sound of tiny footsteps pounding up to them, followed closely by the urgent stride of an adult.

“Aido, let them be, let’s go back to the dancefloor,” K’Sante said as he scooped up his daughter, managing to intercept her just before she dove under the tablecloth of the wedding table, turning to his friends and laughing. “Sorry about that. She is fast!”

Unbothered, the couple grinned at at her, Sett ignoring the hairy eyeball from his best man when he conspired with Aido in a stage whisper that he would help her sneak another piece of cake later, and that he’d meet her on the dancefloor soon.

As K’Sante led his daughter back into the party, Aphelios chuckled fondly.

“Oh she really loves you, ‘Unca Sett.’”

They’d all been unsure of whether the two-year-old would be a bit too young to be their ringbearer, and it had started out a little rough—Aido trying to hide behind Yone’s legs when she saw all the people seated and staring at her. Her dad had been about to pick her up so they could deliver their precious cargo to the waiting grooms, but Aido had caught sight of a familiar redhead waiting at the altar, and screamed ‘UNCA SETT!’ before running down the aisle to him and throwing her arms around his legs, everyone very glad that they’d thought to tie the rings down double securely when they saw how she whipped her little ringbearer basket back and forth. It had been the highlight of the ceremony, and Aido seemed extremely pleased when she was allowed to stay on the podium with her dads and favourite uncle, ecstatic to join in when everyone started cheering as Sett and Aphelios kissed even though she didn’t really know what was going on and was just excited for the chance to clap.

“You know what, I bet she’d love a playmate closer to her own age, though,” Sett said meaningfully, a little gleam in his eye as he turned to look at his new husband.

“Well, Alune is due in four months, so very soon she’ll have a new little cousin.”

Still grinning, Sett pulled Aphelios’s chair with him in it right beside him, trapping him there in a hug. “I bet she’d love a second new little cousin even more.”

“You want to adopt already?” Aphelios smiled back, his ruby eyes glittering beautifully in the candlelight. “We got married four hours ago and you’re ready to file the paperwork tonight. Boy, do you ever move fast.”

They giggled together, half-joking about becoming fathers, both knowing that Sett was well and truly in his feelings now that they were finally married and he was just spouting romantic stuff. They’d agreed for years that they eventually both wanted a child, but Aphelios had always affectionately quipped that Sett would have to marry him first.

“But we can have a real talk about it later though,” Aphelios told him, so sincere that for a moment, Sett thought he might start crying agin. “On the honeymoon?”

“Okay, mooncake, you bet,” Sett murmured, his voice thick with emotion as he pressed a lovesick kiss into teal hair, thinking about how no one in any lifetime had been luckier than he was now; not only blessed enough to find his soulmate, but to be married to him, and talking about expanding their already perfect family beyond their perfect dog Donut and their perfect fishtank.

You big softie, Aphelios told him when he saw how his eyes had begun shining. I think we traded roles as the resident crybaby .

“Hey, I only cried once today, ‘n it’s like, the best day of my life! I just wasn’t prepared for you to play violin like that for me, so actually, it’s your fault. You gotta cut me a break, Phel,” Sett teased, completely unserious.

“Twice,” Aphelios corrected. “I saw how you started crying when I walked down the aisle.”

“Oh, I didn’t even realize,” Sett said truthfully. “All I could think of was how you’re the most beautiful thing I ever seen, that’s all that was on my mind, I wasn’t thinkin’ about what my face was doin’.”

“Well, it was busy looking awfully cute and handsome and absolutely smitten and crying some very sweet beast-man tears.”

As Aphelios stroked his cheek, Sett wondered if there had ever been any two people more in love than they were in that moment, and he would have happily called it there and taken Aphelios back to the honeymoon suite if not for another interruption, in the form of a familiar, acerbic rapper, unusually contrite tonight.

“Ez and the others are all on the dancefloor,” Kayn in a low voice, his usual bravado nowhere in sight as he leaned on the table, almost as if to steady himself. “I was thinking now would be a good time… only if it’s still okay with you guys, though.”

Very kindly, Aphelios made no remark about Kayn’s humble consideration, so out of character, as he stood and grabbed his bouquet from the table.

“Sure, we can do it now,” was all he said with a smile, taking Sett by the hand and leading him out into the party, Kayn trailing behind.

Nearly everyone they met on the dancefloor was in on it too, and without even needing a signal they knew it was time, and Soraka and Momma organized everyone into a little group as Yasuo, who had generously volunteered to DJ again, transitioned the music into a neutral background song. There was only one person who was blithely smiling like an idiot, completely unaware of what was about to happen and looking like he was having the time of his life.

“Bouquet toss time, everyone!” Yone announced, and beside Aphelios, Alune could not stifle her giggles and Sett overheard her whispering in her twin’s ear that Kayn looked like he was about to sh*t a brick.

But all according to plan, Aphelios turned around, making a great show of winding up to throw the bundle of flowers over his shoulder as the small crowd counted down: three, two, one…

As had happened one special night a handful of years ago, Aphelios did not loose the bouquet when the countdown finished, and instead, turned back around, walking straight to Ezreal in the centre of the dancefloor, handing his best friend the bouquet directly, and hugging him.

Poor Ezreal’s eyes went so wide, he looked even more like a startled hamster.

“Real funny, Phelio,” Ezreal affected casualness even as he whirling around to find where his boyfriend was lurking, expecting to see Kayn sneering, or making some kind of sarcastic remark about what this meant. “This is a joke, right?”

Instead, Kayn’s face only softened into a shy, stressed smile, and he chuckled uncomfortably, unused to this much attention on him for something so genuine. His bashfulness was charming.

"It was his idea,” Aphelios reassured Ezreal, who looked like he might be able to burst into tears at any second.

He did.

“But, Phel…! No way, no way!” Ezreal threw himself against his friend, crying all over Aphelios’ silk wedding suit that had been so painstakingly matched to Sett’s, a mirror image. Aphelios got in a mere two comforting pats on the back before Ezreal slurred through something that sounded like you’regonnabemybestmanokay and blinked, and Kayn found himself toppled to the floor, his besotted, sobbing boyfriend (soon to be fiancé) clambering on him and kissing him and hugging him so hard, Kayn soon had to tap out like it was an MMA fight he was about to lose by submission.

As their friends were helped to their feet, Yasuo cranked the dance music back up, and Sett hands were filled, Aphelios holding one, and Aido’s tiny little hand in his other and shimmied and shook, because this was one of her dad’s favourite songs, which meant it was hers, too. But, with too much energy to stay in one spot if it was with her favourite uncle, Aido was soon skipping and twirling elsewhere, followed by fond adult laughter. There was no doubt she was the true star of the day in her adorable fancy dress.

With his hands now left free to hold his husband, Sett pulled Aphelios close, their bodies fitting together perfectly, easily finding a matching rhythm and even using some of the moves they’d been learning in their samba classes. Aphelios burst into musical laughter when Sett guided him into a dip so low he would have fallen if not for the Vastayan’s strength, the very picture of a debonair gentleman.

He’d said it a few times before, and each time it was always true, but Sett could not help but think that he had never seen Aphelios happier than he was in that moment, and as he intertwined their fingers, he knew incontrovertibly, he’d never been happier either. And they still had their whole lives together ahead of them, to find even more moments in which their happiness surpassed this.

“Love you, my little moon bunny,” was all Sett said, speaking low for Phel’s hearing only as he smiled and swayed with his husband.

“I love you forever, my big sun wolf,” Aphelios said back.

🎶